A/N: Howdy! I have some unbelievably talented people to thank. My incredibly lovely beta, LifeInkognito, who got this chapter back to me ridiculously fast, even though she was on vacation. And my wonderfully fabulous pre-readers gjficfan and Lfcpam. And I just have to say that if it weren't for my friend and pre-reader gjficfan's constant encouragement, cheers, and threats, this chapter would not be here. She's a saint for putting up with my incessant moaning and whining. Love you, girl!

SM owns Twilight.



Diablo darted off my lap and started barking like a deranged, rabies-infested mangy mongrel. Fangs fiercely flaring, scary little eyeballs bulging, tongue hanging sideways out of his mouth; I might have even seen a little foam on his doggy upper lip. My face held quite the hostile expression as I lugged my rear up from the couch to answer the door. I knew who it was. And I was not pleased about it at all.

Instead of snatching up the devil incarnate, I smiled at his practically convulsing little self. "Bite her," I whispered as a command before nodding and winking at him in an encouraging manner. Happily, I snatched open the door and let the hound from hell loose.

"Jesus! Bella!" Alice shrieked as she almost fell into the bushes trying to dodge Diablo's assault. I was highly disappointed when I didn't see any clothes flying or blood spewing. He merely launched a verbal attack. I needed to work on his dog training, specifically the 'attack', 'kill', and 'maim' commands.

I rolled my eyes in a dramatic fashion, stepping back and opening the door wider so she could come in. I knew I was acting like a bratty five-year-old with my snippety attitude, but I just couldn't help myself. It had been twenty plus years since I'd flung myself to the floor in a full-on temper tantrum. And I felt I was due one.

Alice barreled past me at top speed, like a female Speedy Gonzales, as she screamed and Diablo chased hot on her heels. The faster she ran, the more worked-up Diablo got. I couldn't help but snicker as she ran around the couch several times with him barking and drooling and chasing her in hot pursuit. Finally, she jumped on the couch and held her big giant purse in front of her like some kind of flimsy shield.

I knew my little devil could shred that leather in a nanosecond if he wanted to.

"Alice, good grief, get off my couch with your filthy shoes!" I had to yell extra loud to be heard over the ear-piercing bark snarling thing Diablo had going on and her screams of sheer horror.

"Get him away from me!" she managed to yell before she started wailing and shrieking again, pushing her bag towards him defensively. Diablo lunged, grabbed the strap in his mouth and started tugging as hard as he could, backing up and shaking his little head back and forth while he growled. Alice tried yanking it away from him, but it seemed he had developed lockjaw.

"Diablo! No!" I shouted as I grabbed him and yanked him up into my arms. He still had a death grip on the strap to her bag. "Let go!" I shouted again as I shook him a little bit. Kind of like how you'd shake a piggy bank to get out that last dime. Finally, the strap dropped from his mouth.

I immediately took off towards the kitchen to put him in his crate. I heard her yell out from behind me, "I hate that dog!" causing me to break out into a fit of giggles.

"Good boy," I whispered as I kissed Diablo on the head once I was safely in the kitchen. My level of evil knew no bounds.

I went back into the living room to find Alice still standing on my couch inspecting the damage to her bag. "You owe me a new one," she shouted angrily as she held up the strap to my face, shaking it. It had little teeth marks all over it as well as a lot of slobber.

"Fine, I'll write you a check." I'd probably be spending about as much as Triple N's pants almost cost me when Diablo ripped them. Maybe I needed to rethink the whole letting Diablo attack people thing. It wasn't like I was made of money.

"Now before I start doing your hair for your hot date tonight," Alice said, as she put her hands on her hips, "we're going to finish our conversation about Rose whether you like it or not."

I flopped on my bed with a huff. No way did I want to talk about Rose with her. When I had called her the other day all frantic about the impending doom of our friend with the announcement of her upcoming nuptials to the Hulkster, Alice had sweetly told me to mind my own business and to stay the hell out of it. We ended up in a shouting match, me accusing her of not loving Rose and her accusing me of being a pushy bitch and butting into a situation that was none of my concern. I ended up hanging up on her followed up by a lot of pouting.

We eventually made up later that night, both of us agreeing to disagree. And when she managed to pry the news out of me about my date with Edward tonight, she'd insisted on coming over to help get me all sexy.

At that point, Alice had been in the dark about the whole story involving Triple N and the live porn show because I'd only spilled my guts to Rose. So, against my better judgment, my mouth opened and began flapping its ugly wings and now Alice knew all my sordid secrets.

"What's there to talk about?" I retorted. "I can't just sit around and do nothing when I think my best friend is making a rash decision that could impact the rest of her life. She'd known the guy for two days, Alice. Two days before agreeing to marry him! How can she make one of the biggest decisions of her life – who she's going to spend the rest of her life with – after only knowing the man for two fucking days? She's being completely irrational and only thinking with her pussy."

"But you said yourself that she only told him yes, and that she wasn't planning on getting married like tomorrow or anything like that. So that'll give her more time to get to know him and to make sure she's making the right decision."

"But what if he suddenly says, 'Hey, baby, let's run off to Vegas tonight in my Cooter Intruder?' And don't act like that couldn't happen because you've not met Emmett yet. The guy is certifiably insane."

"Then she'll be married. And they'll honeymoon together in the Cooter Intruder," she said with a giggle. "And she'll have to live with her decision. But it's her life and her choice. She's an adult, and we know she's one smart cookie, so she is very capable of making her own decisions."

"So you'd just stand by and let her make a bad choice and not say a fucking word about it?"

"Yes. Because how do you know it's a bad choice or not?"

"Because it is!" I shouted. "Two days, Alice, and the man is nutszoid!" I yelled as I gave her the 'duh' look.

"It's still her decision and not yours. And you know she's going to do whatever the hell she wants to do anyway whether you say anything to her about it or not."

The woman was really starting to piss me off, again.

"Well, I absolutely could not disagree with you more. I have to say something to her. I would be a shit of a friend if I felt this passionately about something and hid my feelings from her and didn't speak up. And I'm just warning you now, if you ever decide to marry some guy after knowing him for only two days, you will be getting an earful from me. Got it?"

She smiled and nodded, but it was a sad little smile that didn't reach her eyes. "That won't ever happen," she said quietly before she quickly looked down at her hands in her lap.


She had picked up the marionette strings to my heart and had started tugging. She looked so tiny and small and just damn sad. I sighed and sat up and hugged her little body close to me. Alice needed to meet someone. Someone that would knock her off her feet onto her little ass and help her get over this obsession she had with my brother. She was in love with a man that was completely unobtainable. He was married – to a slimy skankho bitch that he somehow saintly tolerated without a single complaint – and had two kids that he would die for. Alice had her life on hold, waiting, hoping, and longing for someone she could never have. And he had absolutely no idea of her feelings for him. It broke my heart.

"Maybe Edward has another embarrassing brother hidden somewhere that I can set you up with."

We giggled and hugged each other, and I gave her a big, sloppy kiss on her cheek. Then she began the torture of working on my hair.

"I can't wear this," I said to my reflection as I stood in front of the mirror half an hour later. "I can't do it."

"Yes you can and you will. He told you to wear something sexy and this is sex-y," Alice said.

It was a beautiful wrap dress in a shimmery black color. It was incredibly tight, hugging and outlining - to my dismay - every small curve I owned. And the front plunged low, showing off way too much cleavage. Not that I had a lot to show, but what I did own was up front and on display. Alice let me borrow a chunky silver necklace to go with it, and I had on some incredibly sexy silver peep-toe platform heels.

"He's going to be walking around with wood in his pants as soon as he takes one look at you," she said, smiling.

"You mean a plank?" I corrected her as we both busted out giggling.

Edward most certainly didn't seem to have any problem with producing planks in his pants, but that was exactly why I didn't want to dress like this because I didn't want the whole 'sex' thing to be an issue between us tonight. But how could it not be? Every time I was around the man, 'sex' was constantly an issue and constantly on my mind. "But I don't want him-"

"Just shut up. You look dynamite."

I frowned at her. "Dynamite? Who says dynamite? Are you having a flashback to the 70's or something?"

She started humming a BeeGee's song and showing off some of her 70's dance moves. I held up my hands. "Please stop. I'm sorry I opened my big, fat mouth," I said as I giggled at her. "You have my permission to say dynamite anytime you damn well please."

My phone chirped with a text. And I swear my stomach flopped out of my body and slithered its way down into my sexy shoes. I got texts all the time... from Rose, Jazz, other friends, co-workers. But my stupid pounding heart knew exactly who it was. I just knew it. I sounded like I needed oxygen by the time I grabbed it off of my dresser, which was only two feet away from me.

Do you look sexy? –E

My first Edward text…


I felt like celebrating the occasion by maybe popping some champagne or hiring one of those airplanes that drag those big ass signs behind them, but Alice was standing right next to me, so I merely grinned. Like a moron. And got all giddy when I saw the word 'sex' in his text because of course I immediately thought of sex… with him. And I wasn't supposed to be thinking about that… at all.

Alice nosily shoved her face in front of my phone and started giggling like a loon. "Text him back and tell him you're sex on a stick."

I stared at her with a straight face. "On a stick? You're so lame tonight."

"I know. What can I say? I'm going to go," she said. "Knock him dead tonight."

We hugged, and I thanked her profusely for dolling me up, promising that I would take her out for drinks soon to pay her back for everything she'd done. But I still held a grudge against her since she wouldn't let me lure her over to my dark side regarding the Rose fiasco.

I quickly typed back a text to him as I followed her downstairs.

Jeans and a T… is that sexy? –B

And I did notice that 'sex' word again. I found that I could not quit smiling, which was horribly ridiculous. It made me ill to the point that I wanted to gag… and vomit all over my sickening smiley self.

Waving goodbye to Alice, I snuck a look over at Edward's house. There were lights on, but I didn't see him anywhere. I closed the door and leaned back against it as I eagerly looked at my phone for his response.

On you? Definitely. Especially if no bra or panties are involved. –E

My mouth dropped open. And I giggled. And felt a little warm, and a little moist. Somewhere down below.

You are completely dishonorable, you perv. –B

Flirt, flirt, flirty flirt. I stood there smiling and flirting my panties down my legs and off my body.

LOL. You have no idea how truly dishonorable I can be. Want me to show you sometime? –E

Yes. No. Now. Let's skip dinner. Please?

And the smile lingered continuously… making my face ache. I needed to go take some Tylenol for it.

Oh, I've seen how dishonorable you can be, Mr. Cullen. –B

My stomach bounced around in my gut like a rubber ball on pavement. My face ached and my text was completely inappropriate since I was referring to watching him have SEX with someone else. And why the hell did I constantly keep bringing that up to him? I needed to stop immediately with the innuendos. But I couldn't… because where he openly flaunted his pervertedness proudly for everyone to see? I kept mine locked up and hidden away… in my drawer upstairs.

Which reminded me, I hadn't had a chance to use Duncan the Second yet. I might have to take him for a test drive down Pussy Alley tonight…

You may have seen it, but would you like to experience it? Hands on? -E

Ugh, his hands… Did he have to mention the word 'hands'? Death by digits…

My heart started skipping rope in my chest as I quickly typed out a response… Just come over naked with your brat hard…

Closing my eyes, I leaned my head back against the door and banged it, repeatedly. Until the back of my head hurt the same amount as the front of it did from smiling. Then I erased everything I'd just typed.

My thumbs brushed over the keyboard as I debated about what to type instead. Should I keep flirting? No. Be a good girl and stop? No. Because like he'd already told me, I was so giving the poor man mixed signals. Crossed, crazy haywire signals with frayed edges.

I sighed as I reluctantly decided to do the right thing.

We shouldn't be talking like this –B

Why? It's just some harmless verbal sparring –E

Sparring? I was thinking it was more like verbal foreplay –B

And yep, my ugly little stumpy thumb hit send before I could stop it. I bit it hard as punishment for its rebellious behavior as I waited with bated breath, staring down at my stupid phone. And waiting…

"You shouldn't have typed that, you idiot!" I yelled at myself in frustration. I began gnawing on my thumb again as I stared at my phone and… still there was nothing.

Stepping towards the window with my heart racing a mile a minute, I pulled the curtain back. I could see him standing silhouetted in the window of his family room, the light behind him outlining his perfect tall frame dressed impeccably in a suit and tie. I began panting just from the sight of him. What the hell was I going to do when I stood next to him? Or touched him? No way was I going to touch him, right? And why was he standing there staring and not responding to my text? Why were we texting in the first place? Why wasn't he over here picking me up for our date?

I glanced at the clock. We still had twenty minutes to go before he was supposed to actually 'pick me up'.

Looking back at him, I watched as he lifted his phone and typed something and then lowered his hand. He just stood there, not moving, continuing to stare at it with a seriously hot serious expression on his face.

My phone dinged and I swear my heart dinged. I continued staring at his tall, gorgeous self for a few more seconds about ready to pass out from the jitters before I finally lifted my phone.

*groan* mmmm… foreplay. I think you and I could do foreplay… really well –E

I needed to make a pit stop and run upstairs real quick-like and change my sopping wet panties and stuff a couple more spares in my purse as back-up because I was never going to survive tonight with that man. I closed the curtain quickly and sat my phone down. "I said verbal foreplay," I muttered to the empty room. "Not foreplay, foreplay… verbal. I meant verbal." Ah, who was I trying to kid? I knew I was being a dirty girl.

Slipping my heels off because my feet were already in pain, I nervously started pacing back and forth in my living room as I let my brain wig out.

Should I respond or ignore him?

My phone rang, scaring the hell out of me. It was Jazz's ring tone.

"Hey, half-breed, what's up?"

"Hey, B, not much… how's it going?"

"Good. How're my babies doing? I miss them."

"They're good." He cleared his throat. "Are you home?"

"Yeah…" I hedged. Good things never came after that question.

"Oh good… I really hate to do this to you, but-"

"No way, Jazz, I'm going out tonight. I have a date. You can't do this to me."

I looked up when I heard a light knocking on the door. My heart left my body and sprinted up the stairs as I quickly scrambled to get my heels back on.

"B, I need you. Tanya has a dinner work thing tonight, and I got called in at the last minute to cover the shift tonight…"

Opening the door, there stood Triple N looking delectably sinful as the devil himself in a tailored navy suit, crisp white shirt and pinstripe tie. Every centimeter of the man oozed sexuality. I even found his expensive leather shoes to be sexy. I knew that if I got a peek at the soles of those shoes, I'm sure I would have found those to be sexy as well… sole sexy.

A smirk touched his kissable, pouty lips as his eyes made their way lazily down my body, slipping and gliding over every curve. My face felt like I'd shoved it inside a Panini grill and pressed down hard. I could feel the warmth of my blush spreading down between my breasts.

"Jazz, I can't-"

"B, I don't have anyone else to call. You're all I have." He pulled out the big guns and started firing. He knew when he un-holstered that firearm, I'd surrender every time. I knew he depended on me; we depended on each other.

"Hang on," I said as I held up my imaginary white flag.

Edward closed the door behind him. He raised his eyebrows at me questioningly.

"I can't believe this. I know you're probably going to think I'm trying to get out of our date, but I'm not because as you can see, I'm all dressed up and ready to walk out this door with you right now and it took a lot of effort to get me to look like this, I mean Alice worked her ass off and-" The words just kept vurping out of my mouth.

He smirked again. "You look stunning, absolutely bewitching."

Fuck. My. Brother.

"Thank you," I breathed, smiling and feeling shy and wonderful. I didn't have a shy bone in my body, but he made me feel shy and oh so beautiful.

"This is so rude of me, but my brother has to go into work, and he needs a sitter for the kids, and I feel so badly about this, but is there any way that we could re-schedule our date? I can go tomorrow morning or tomorrow for lunch or dinner or the next day for breakfast or-"

He smiled big and glorious. I admired his teeth. He even had sexy teeth. "Calm down. It's okay."


He continued smiling and nodded again and the look on his face told me that he really was okay with it.

"Thank you," I mouthed to him. And he winked at me. Triple N winked at me.

I put the phone back up to my ear. "Jazz?"


"You can drop them off. But you owe me," I added in a low, you-are-a-dead-man voice. I would most definitely make him pay dearly for ruining my hot night out with my Nasty Naughty Neighbor.

"Thanks, B. I love you."

I did not love Jazz at that moment so I stayed silent.

"B? Tanya's on her way there. She should be there in about five minutes."

"What?" I shouted. My blood pressure had to have just shot up to astronomical proportions because I felt like my head was going to explode.

"I'm sorry but I'm actually in the car right now headed for work and-"

"You… you," I sputtered. I was so livid at him that I couldn't even form a coherent word. He'd just sent that tart to my house before even talking to me assuming I had no life and that I'd be at home anxiously waiting to be his little babysitter.

"B, I love you, you know that right? The kids depend on you so much. I don't know what they'd do without you. I'm sorry for doing this to you on such short notice, but I promise I'll make it up to you. I'm just pulling into the parking lot. Can I pick the kids up in the morning?"

"You… I…" I still had no ability to speak the English language.

"Great. See you in the morning, Sissy," he said before hanging up.

I just stood there, my mouth hanging open very unattractively, staring at my phone. Karma was an ugly, ugly bitch. I knew why this was happening. I was getting paid back for my little tantrum over the Rose thing and for the way I'd treated Alice.

Damn you, you powers that be!

I looked up at Triple N and just studied his handsome face as my brain tried to catch up and process what had just happened in the last five minutes.

"Everything okay?" he asked gently.

"No." I took in a deep breath. "Look, I'm so sorry…" I started to say but Edward held his hand up, cutting me off.

He took a step closer. "We can reschedule our date, but only on one condition." His eyes, which were on mine, dropped, zoning in on my lips. I decided to mimic him and zoned in on his lips as well. His tongue snuck out and in slow motion slowly licked, wetting his plump lips before his eyes met mine again. I. Could. Not. Breathe. I wanted that tongue. I wanted to taste it, suck it, shove it on my nipples and between my legs.

"What?" The word came out sort of like a gasp and strangled-like. I wasn't sure if it was because of the crude thoughts I'd just had about the poor man's tongue or because of the way he was looking at my lips like he was having some crude thoughts of his own going on.

He took another step closer until we were inches from each other. I tried not to pant because panting is embarrassing. Panting is only good in childbirth. And for helping dogs breathe. I didn't want to pant. But I panted… through my open lips. "I'll stay here tonight and help you babysit. But by the end of the night," he paused, his eyes dropping to my panting lips, "I want a kiss, one kiss. It's all I've been able to think about."

My brain flat-lined…

My panties combusted, disappearing into thin air...

And he hadn't even touched me.

I panted and drooled from places seen and not seen. But do you know what made me drool the most? The fact that this perfect specimen of a man standing in front of me in his Gucci suit told me he wanted to babysit with me.

So. Fucking. Hot.

So fuckably fuckable.

"Deal?" he asked.

I stared at his lips. Like eyes glued to them. And my God, did his lips look tasty. I wanted to put a little ketchup on them and eat them. Just gobble them right up. I was borderline considering cannibalism.

Then my eyes lifted to his. And I nodded.

I'd just made a deal with the devil.

Every stupid fantasy that I had about first kisses floated down the hallway, into the kitchen and down the garbage disposal. My weird hang-ups about kissing at the perfect moment were based on a bunch of stupid shit. My very first kiss back in high school consisted of the middle seat of an SUV with some guy shoving his tongue down my throat when I wasn't expecting it while the girls in the front seat and the couple behind us cheered the asshole on. His breath stunk like garlic, and I almost gagged on his tongue. It was a horrifying experience.

And then there was my first boyfriend in college whom I lost my virginity to. That experience was so bad that I've kind of blocked that time whole time period from my memory banks.

After all that, I would read stories about fairy tale magical first kisses in books, and I would dream about it happening to me. But it never did. So when I got with Jared, I made him wait for a kiss until our third date. It was a beautiful evening and the stars were out. He dropped me off and walked me up to my front porch. I had everything built up in my head about how magical it would be, how my skin would tingle and my toes would curl. Just like what I'd read about. And when he touched my lips with his? I felt… nothing, just a set of wet lips against mine. So I worried that I hadn't waited for the right moment. That I'd somehow rushed it.

But maybe it was time to just let go of all of my hang-ups and just let whatever was supposed to happen between Edward and me happen. Just let go.

"Good," Edward said as he smiled and licked his lips again. Did he know what that was doing to me? "I can't wait," he whispered. "I promise to make it memorable."


My eyes got real big because…

Where the hell did that word come from?

I jumped and let out a little squeal when I heard a loud banging on the door. Edward grinned and snickered a bit before he stepped aside so I could open it. I took in a couple of deep breaths in preparation because I hadn't seen Tanya in a while, and was really sad that I couldn't keep that trend going, and going, and going.

Opening the door, Jack was a small blur as he took off like a bullet, straight for the toy closet.

"Bella, I-" Tanya's ultra-nasally voice began to say before she abruptly stopped, her eyes transfixed on something behind me.

Smug… oh, I did smug good.

That's right, bitchorella! Triple N is alllllll mine.

I stood there all proud and gloating over the fuckhawt piece of man-ness that was standing behind me when…

I noticed that her face didn't look quite right.

Her mouth dropped open – which she'd had a lot of practice perfecting – and her eyes widened. But instead of it being a look of lust, appreciation, or jealousy, it was… fear? And… recognition?


No! No! No! No! No! Some weird little voice inside my head screamed.

My heart leaped up and started knocking on my tonsils when I turned, desperate to see Edward's face. And his face told me what I didn't want to know.

Tanya had seen the bratwurst.

Tanya had touched the bratwurst.

Tanya had bunned the behemoth brat.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to move to Tijuana. I wanted to kill Tanya and hide her whoring body in that big hole that was soon to be a swimming pool behind Edward's house. And then have a whole truck load of concrete poured on top of her dead cheating ass.

I did the only thing I could do. Without looking at Tanya's vomit-inducing face, I reached for Raine and buried my face in her sweet little full-of-fat-rolls neck as I kicked off those stupid shoes and walked towards the toy closet. I bent down and helped Jack pull out his toys.

"Truh? Truh?" he repeated over and over excitedly as he started pulling all of the toys out and throwing them on the floor behind him. Jack was noisy, and I focused on him. But I thought I heard Edward talking to the sausage slut. But it didn't matter. I figured they were plotting a date and time to play hide the sausage again.

I played with Jack for a few minutes until I heard the door close. Maybe they left together. I took a quick peek behind me, and Edward remained, standing there with a strange expression on his face. I stood up, keeping my back to him. I had to hold it together until he left. Then I could let the floods of Watergate loose. "Okay. Well, I guess I'll see you later," I said before I took off towards the kitchen, ready to bury my face in something cold from the freezer… vodka, ice cream? It didn't matter, it all sounded good.

"Wait," he called out. "What are you talking about?"

With Raine on my hip, I ignored him and barefooted it to the kitchen where I opened the dishwasher and started putting away dishes. I had problems with scrubbing and cleaning things when I got upset or anxious. I decided that after I emptied the dishwasher, I could start scouring the oven.

"Bella, what's going on here? I thought you agreed to our deal. I don't understand."

I pivoted around. "Deal? Oh, the deal disappeared once I realized she was one of your six." I spat that six out like it was some nasty chewing tobacco.

"Six?" he repeated, looking at me like I was a total quack as he stepped closer and closer.

"That's right. I'm not stupid. I know Tanya is one of the elite six. Now just go. I can't handle this right now."

He grabbed my arm. "Look at me," he commanded.

"No." My eyes stayed glued to the clean coffee mug I was holding.

"Fine, then listen. I'm going to say this really slow so that you can comprehend it. I. Have. No. Idea. What. You. Are. Talking. About."

My fire-breathing eyes met his. My nostrils flared with fury. "The six women you've sexed. Did Tanya bun your brat?"

His bushy brows scrunched up like a couple of caterpillars trying to copulate. But then he got this weird look that happens when you're pissed and amused simultaneously and fighting desperately to hide the amusement. "I have never had sex with that woman. Why would you even think that?"

"I saw how you two were looking at each other. She knew you, Edward. The only men that Tanya knows are men that Tanya knows…" I dramatized that word so big and so hard that I should have gotten a standing ovation for my Oscar-worthy over-performing performance.

"I didn't even know her name until you mentioned it."

"Oh!" I shouted in a shrill high-octave, high-octane voice as I ripped my arm away from his grasp and tossed the mug up in the air for emphasis. "That makes it even better!"

"Stop it! I don't even know that woman. I've never slept with her, and I'd never even met her until she showed up on your doorstep. But I've seen her before, all right?"

My eyes narrowed as I shifted Raine on my hip. "What do you mean?"

He looked off to the side, his face torn. He rubbed the back of his neck and loosened his tie. "I don't think I should-"

"Spill it, now."

"Well, it's probably nothing, but… I went to visit my dad a while back, and I saw – her – leaving my dad's house."

My mouth tried to catch flies. "Tanya's having an affair with your dad?" I shouted.

"I don't know. I'm just telling you that I saw her-"

"Is your dad a whore?"

"No! He's married to my mom! My mom was out of town that week at a conference."

I couldn't have been more stunned if Edward had slapped me across the face and shoved his brat in my mouth. "Oh my god, that slimy, despicable, home-wrecking, pond-scum-sucking whore." I dropped the mug on the counter and sank into a chair. I knew it wouldn't take long for that ho to cheat again on my precious baby brother. With Triple N's very married dad. I was living right smack dab in the center of Soap Opera Station.

Closing my eyes, my lips found Raine's sweet, soft cheek. "I'm so sorry I'm talking bad about your momma," I murmured.

"Maybe it was innocent," Edward offered.

"Tanya is never innocent."

I sat up straight and leaned toward Edward who had sat down across from me. "I need you to be very clear with me on this. You've never done anything with Tanya? Never touched her, never seen her-"

"Never, I swear to you."

I slumped back into my chair in relief and hugged Raine to me. She had a hold of Alice's necklace and was trying to eat it. "Oh, thank God, thank God, thank God," I chanted before I looked up at the ceiling of my kitchen. "Thank you, God!" I shouted with a huge smile on my face.

I looked back at Edward who was sporting a small smirk. "I'm so happy that you were never with Tanya. So, so, so happy," I said, grinning. "You have no idea."

His smirk widened. "Is it because you want me all to yourself?"

My relief over the situation loosened my lips. "Yes," I stated with proud conviction, which made him grin even more.

Jack flew into the kitchen and plopped a truck right in Edward's lap, very close to his onions. Luckily, he reacted fast by shielding them with his hand. His green eyes were huge when they found mine. "That was a close one," he muttered as he picked up the truck.

"Truh?" Jack asked as he tried to climb Edward's lap like a tree, grabbing little fistfuls of his Gucci suit and wallering all over him.

I knew that suit cost more than I made in a month… or two. "Oh, no, Jack," I said as I tried to reach for him. "Don't mess Edward's suit up."

I had a hard time trying to reach Jack because Raine was gurgling and gnawing on Alice's necklace, and I could feel some of her slobber slipping down into my cleavage.

Jack ignored me and continued trying to summit Mount Edward. I had to think fast. "Jack? You want a Band-Aid?"

He turned quick, the blond curls on his head bouncing adorably around his chubby face. "Bob-bob?" he asked as he ran towards the cabinet where I kept them. "Bob-bob?"

I followed him and pulled out the box. "Do you want to go change and come back?" I asked Edward as I handed Jack a Band-Aid.

Edward stood up. "Do we still have a deal?" he asked with a wicked hopeful glint in his eyes.

I smiled. "Yeah, but you don't have to come back right away. They'll be going to sleep in about an hour. I could call you when I get them down for bed…"

His eyes fell into my cleavage, my wet cleavage. "I don't want to leave," he murmured in a low voice to my tits.

All he had to do was walk a few feet to his house. But I didn't want him to go that far either. "But you can't stay here in that suit. You've never been around kids before. Trust me, in five minutes you'll have to throw it away. Or burn it."

I looked down at my dress. "As a matter of fact, I need to run upstairs and get out of this dress before something terrible happens to it."



"You're not taking that dress off…" his voice was low and rumbly as he continued the conversation with my tits, "…yet. Keep it on. I'll buy you a new one later."

Yet? Yet?!

"Why? We'd be more comfortable in jeans-"

"No. The way you look…" He shook his head as his eyes fucked every inch of my body and by the time they got back up to my face, I was ready for a cigarette. And a high-velocity fan aimed at my overheated coocharacha.

"I'm not buying you a new suit. Or making any deals with you if it gets ruined." I bit back a smile and cocked an eyebrow.

"But I like making deals with you…" the devil in the Gucci suit whined.

An hour later, I sat on the couch emotionally and physically exhausted with my bare feet up on the coffee table. I still had on my fancy wrap dress that Edward demanded stay on, and Raine was asleep on my chest. It had been an eventful hour to say the least. Edward managed to get smacked in the temple with a school bus, poked in the eye with a plastic sword and hit in the onions by Buzz Lightyear – and I did not want those onions bruised or damaged in any way because I wanted them served with my bratwurst later.

But the moment to beat all moments happened when Jack sat in Edward's lap right after he'd gotten hit by the bus. Jack sneezed, and two giant streams of snot shot out of his little nostrils and just kind of hung there like dangling gummy worms from his little nose. It honest to God looked like he had just snorted his brains out through his nose. And Edward screamed. Very loudly. And looked like he wanted to curl up in the fetal position and suck his thumb. But I had fast reflexes and was able to snatch the snot up with a Kleenex before a drop ended up on that suit of his.

Once he recovered from the trauma, we laughed and laughed until we both cried, and I almost produced as much snot as Jack.

With my head resting against the back of the couch, I turned towards Edward. His jacket and tie had been removed. He'd unbuttoned the top few buttons of his shirt and untucked it. The expensive shoes were gone and his dark socked feet were propped up on the coffee table like mine. Jack lay on his chest sleeping with Woody cuddled up under his arm.

He turned his head towards me and grinned. I grinned back and tried to ignore the three SpongeBob Band-Aids that Jack had put on his face: one on his cheek, one in the middle of his forehead and one on his chin. I had a matching set on my face, just in differing locales.

We sat there for the longest time, not saying a word, just staring at each other and grinning.

"I'm going to go put her in bed," I finally whispered.

"Okay," he whispered back, still smiling.

I carried Raine upstairs and tucked her in her crib. When I got back downstairs, my breath got stuck in my throat when I saw Edward brushing Jack's curls away from his face. His sex appeal quadrupled for me in an instant.

"I'll take him," I whispered as I leaned down and forgot about my plunging neckline until I saw his eyes plunging down my neckline. We were so close. I could smell him. He smelled like a man, kind of aftershaveyish, with an unidentifiable concoction of pussy-prepping pheromones, and a dash of warm man skin… just pure unadulterated hot sexy man.

My eyes got stuck on his lips, and I began that damn panting thing again. Our bodies grazed each other as I picked Jack up from his chest. I didn't go upstairs. Instead, I gently laid Jack on the couch and tucked a pillow beside him so he couldn't fall off. And before Edward could even move a muscle, I was on him, my legs straddling him, my hands on his face, touching him, touching SpongeBob. His extra-large hands slid up my silky dress-covered thighs until they were on my ass, pulling me closer to him. His fingertips must have possessed fire-starting abilities because everywhere he touched, sparks flew and wildfires erupted and spread on my skin.

My overly greedy hands dove into that glorious hair of his as I studied his eyes. They were so dark, raging uncontrollably with pure animal lust. We were silent except for our breathing. And I noticed he was panting. Like me. And that made me really happy because we could pant together like dogs in heat with no embarrassment whatsoever.

The man wanted me. His eyes whispered it, groaned it, demanded it… and, God, how I wanted him. I wet my lips and moved closer until our lips were just a breath away. So close, but not touching. We panted hot warmth against each other's lips, tasting each other's breath. And his breath tasted so damn good, it made my pussy leak. And I hoped not all over his Gucci pants.

And then my eyes closed and my lips were on his. His mouth was hot, wet and moving hard against mine. I was on fucking fire. I couldn't get enough of him. My tongue was in his mouth against his, the two of them battling each other as he matched my aggression. I literally sucked on his tongue, like tried to suck it down inside me. And I know that sounds a little nasty but it was Triple N's tongue so it was super fucking hot. And oh my God, did he like it. It seemed to make him go a little crazy because his hands got tighter on my hips as he pressed me down against his hard brat, sliding it right against my clit. Then he stood up in a flash, holding me as my legs wrapped around his waist and the next thing I knew, we were on the floor between the couch and the coffee table with him on top of me, his mouth never leaving mine for an instant.

He chewed on my bottom lip quite aggressively before he sucked the whole thing in his mouth. And I wondered if he felt as desperate as I did, like he couldn't get enough. Because that's the way it felt. It was like he wanted to eat my lip. Consume it.

He began thrusting his brat hard against me, rubbing with just the right amount of friction. And I knew that in about three seconds flat, I was going to come hard... like having the most violent orgasm of my entire life. And Jack was right beside us on the couch asleep. And we were going at it like a couple of sex-starved forty-year-old virgins on the floor next to the coffee table.

But it didn't matter when Edward's hand slipped up under my dress and slid up my bare thigh. With his tongue relentlessly fucking my mouth, his hand moving up my dress, his brat sliding against my bun button, I tipped over the edge of the cliff and fell and fell and fell. I kept falling and couldn't find the bottom. It was bottomless, the bottomless orgasm.

My hands hung onto chunks of his hair like they were reins on a startled stallion. The moment my orgasm erupted, big bursts of puffy, silent screams ruptured from my mouth. And Edward smothered them, swallowed them, ate them up with his lips and mouth.

And then it happened.

Yanking his mouth from mine, he reared his head back as he thrust rougher against me. And Triple N came.


In his Gucci pants.

And when I looked up into his smiley, panting flushed face covered in SpongeBob Band-Aids, I had a revelation.

I'd just experienced the most astounding first kiss ever.

One that could never be replicated in a book.

One that far exceeded some stupid ridiculous fairy tale.

Because this first kiss brought with it something unexpected. As I stared up into the eyes of the fuck hot man who was hovering above me, I realized I'd fallen hard. It wasn't just my body that fell off that cliff. It was also my heart. I was fucking head over heels punch drunk in love with Triple N… Edward… my Nasty Naughty Neighbor.

A/N: Yowza! Well? :0) *smiles* What did you think of their first date and kiss? Did it meet your expectations? You knew these two wouldn't be doing dinner and a movie, right? Hehehe.

What did you think about Jack's sneeze? LMAO. I remember the first time my kid did that. It scared the hell out of me. Do you have any funny/gross moments with kids to share? If so, please tell me about it so I can have a giggle.

And don't forget to go check out my new story A Street With No End and let me know what you think.

See you soon! ;)