AND NOW FOR PART 2...
MY DEVIL PART 2
"I'm going to kill you," I hissed.
"I could be with Edward right now," I hissed again.
Still no answer.
"I've never been away from him before. I'm having withdrawal and we haven't even boarded the stupid plane yet," I hissed again.
More silence so I gave the big-boobed bimbo sitting next to me a hard elbow punch.
"Bella, shut the hell up," Rose barked not even bothering to look up from her phone. "Edward practically fucked you against my car earlier so get over it. I swear you left an ass print on my door."
I touched my still flaming lips and smiled a little at the memory of his attack before I regained my senses and flopped my head back in agony.
"All right," she said still on that phone of hers. "I just confirmed the appointment with Vera Wang."
"Why me?" I moaned.
"I'm only getting married once," she snapped.
I rolled my head towards her and cocked a brow. "Really?"
She looked like she wanted to slap me.
"The dress has to be perfect."
"You're getting married in Vegas. In a wedding chapel. It'll be over in ten minutes. And how many guests are attending? Five?"
"You're really getting on my last nerve."
"You've already postponed the wedding once. You really think you're going to just march in there and Vera's going to make you a custom gown like pronto?"
"Yes, when money is no object. Emmett told me to buy what I want and I'm going to do it damn it so get off my ass."
I needed some Tylenol, and maybe a bottle of whiskey.
It had all started out so innocently. She excitedly - well, let me rephrase that because Rose never did anything "excitedly" - she "walked with determination" into one of the local bridal stores in Seattle and tried on every dress in the damn store, nitpicking every little thing. She then dragged me to every other store in the Seattle area repeating the process over and over again. Do you know how long it takes to try on every single dress? I know, god help me.
Then she started this quest. She studied every celebrity's gown, every billionaire-to-be's gowns wanting to one-up them. I was in gown hell.
My phone dinged with a text.
Come back. Don't you dare get on that plane. I need you. -E
I grinned because it had only been an hour or so.
I need you more. Come rescue me. -B
I'm sending a helicopter. Be ready to grab the rope. -E
I laughed, quite loudly and quite longingly because I wanted that helicopter to come, but I knew it never would because Edward, Emmett, and the guys were going on a golfing trip.
I'd never been away from Edward before other than work. We literally spent every moment with each other, along with Diablo, even though it had only been a little over a month. We were in that "honeymoon phase" just without the engagement, wedding, and everything else. Oh, and he moved in with me, did I mention that? I kept my promise that I'd get attached, so attached, and he loved my attachment issues and became an enabler so instead of trying to help me with my problem, he encouraged it. So two weeks after, or one week after, or four days after, eh, I don't remember, anyway, after our first time together, well, and that second time against his slate wall, and oh yeah, that all day the next day in almost every room in my house, well, after all of that, his things mingled with mine.
He put his house up for sale and let me gleefully shove the sign into the ground. I promised him a dirty celebration party once it sold and it miraculously sold three days later and boy, oh boy, did we celebrate. Toasting, with the finest champagne and totally buck naked, we wore pointy kid's birthday hats that had balloons all over them and blew into noisy party horns. We even lit sparklers but because we were a little buzzed, we almost burned my house down instead of his.
I thought it was odd that it sold so fast with all of that construction going on in his backyard for the pool, but he'd been so jubilant, picking me up and swinging me around that I believed him.
No one had moved in yet so a few days before our trip, I demanded an answer while he was getting ready for work.
"Why don't we have new neighbors yet? It's been a while," I asked as I helped him button up his blue-striped, sexy-as-hell tailored shirt. I tickled his skin with my fingers and occasionally licked it before moving up to the next button.
He peered down at me, trying to hide a smile.
"What? I smell something fishy here."
"I sold it to Emmett."
"Well, I actually paid cash for it originally so I just signed the deed over to him."
"You lied to me?"
"No, I did not."
"Yes, you did," I argued, smacking his arm but he laughed and grabbed my wrist. I tried to pull away but he tightened his fingers.
"Why did you lie? We even had that party. I was so excited for you to be done with that place and now it's going to stay in the family. I am so mad at you right now."
Chuckling, he pulled me into his arms but I tried to wrestle away.
"Like I said, I didn't lie. I cheated. Do you know why I cheated?"
"You mean why you lied?"
He grinned. "I didn't lie because I no longer owned the house."
I pressed my lips together, supremely irritated but he just kept smiling, irritating me even more.
"I cheated because I wanted that party," he said before lowering his voice. "Really badly."
I tried to give him the stink-eye but I felt myself softening a little.
"Remember how hot it was fucking in those hats? Especially when you came on my dick and blew that horny thing at the same time?"
I started laughing, so mad at myself that I couldn't stay mad at him and I tried to get out of his arms but he kept me trapped.
"All right, all right," I said, grinning against my will. "I might forgive you."
He kissed me hotly on the mouth and yes, I forgave him.
"Hey," I mumbled against his lips. "Those hats are in the closet. Are you free tonight?"
Chuckling, he growled into my neck and I had to push him out the door to make sure he didn't get marked tardy at work.
I was still peeved over the house thing and he offered to drive a bulldozer over it. He really meant it too because he pulled out his phone and started to call the construction guys to bring one the next day, but I finally calmed down. He promised me that as soon as the pool was done, Emmett would get rid of it.
I'd never cohabitated with anyone before. I'd always been on my own other than the dorm room at college so I was kind of set in my ways, but we just fit. I loved seeing his Italian leather shoes sitting next to my worn-out flip flops, and he wasn't lying about having a lot of Gucci suits. His clothing took up three quarters of my closet space. I had to go through my things and make a run to the Goodwill drop off.
The man had "perfect" written all over him from his hunky hair to his pale white toes, but he did have some issues domestically. He kicked. At night. Like a mule. We'd been together such a short time and we'd played "hide the weiner" so often that whenever we'd actually slept together – I mean "fallen asleep" together – I'd just crashed with him completely exhausted, typically on the couch, and hadn't noticed.
It started one night with a spoon. With his face in my hair, peppering little kisses on my neck, and whispering how much he loved me, I snuggled into him, my arms on top of his, our hands intertwined and fell asleep with the most contented look on my face. Then "Bam!" his leg fired off a Pele soccer kick and I shot up out of bed muttering, "What the fuck?" half scared out of my mind.
I immediately complained about it the next day and he told me I was nuts, but it continued again the following night. So the night after that, I waited until I heard his cute little wheezing in my ear and I reluctantly, and a little tearfully, left the spoon, scooting away from him because I needed to get some sleep. I had just closed my eyes when out of nowhere, he kicked me in the ass. I threatened to hog tie him the next day.
He kept denying his ass kicking me so I told him I was going to set up a camera to prove it, but that didn't work because he got all pervy and excited and told me to go for it.
"Bella, snap out of it. The plane is boarding."
"Oh." I stood and stretched a little. "Can I still make a run for it?"
I laughed, but Rose did not.
"Why the hell didn't you check your bag?"
"Because," I said as I wrangled my carry-on, "my luggage got lost once and my favorite holey pajamas were in it."
She muttered something hateful and I ignored her.
"Oh wow," I said when I sat down in my first-class seat. "I'm surprised Emmett didn't arrange a private jet."
"Oh, he's doing that for the wedding party."
"Of course he is."
Leaning my head against the window, I stared out at the puffy white clouds trying to enjoy the marvelous views but all I could think about was how many miles this stupid trip was separating me from Edward. I Googled it. A total of 2,857 of them.
I tried to watch a movie about a hot vampire but he reminded me of Edward so I had to turn it off.
We finally touched down after what felt like twelve hours and I immediately texted him.
I'm here. Where's that helicopter? -B
Ditch her and catch a flight back. I'll tell her you got lost somewhere. -E
I miss you, baby. -E
Me too. Wish me luck. I'm going to try to stay away from sharp objects, you know, to kill her with. -B
Kill away. You have my permission. -E
I glanced up as my victim and her Jimmy Choo's choo-chooed towards me.
Gotta go. Bitch incoming. -B
We exited the terminal looking for our ride and up pulled a pink hummer limo. You should have seen Rose's face. I laughed until my gut hurt. Only Emmett would do something like that and she immediately called him and chewed his ass out and called for another one.
We ended up at The Plaza Hotel in some ridiculous suite that could have slept thirty people but it had the most spectacular views of New York City. I kept mumbling, "Thank you, Emmett, thank you," over and over again.
I spent most of the late evening communicating with my badly missed boyfriend. We Skyped for a while then we sexted dirty, disgusting things to each other. All of these were new experiences for me. I had never done anything like that with Jared and he traveled the country. He had tried to Skype with me a couple of times but I told him the image was blurry and left it at that.
Also, my relationship with him had been so different. He was very serious all the time and had no sense of humor so I never had anyone to banter with and our love life? Well, it consisted of five minute or less intervals, if you get my drift. Now that I had Edward, I couldn't believe what I'd been missing out on.
The next day Rose and I went to the dreaded Vera Wang appointment. Shockingly, I actually liked it, but only because they had champagne, strawberries dipped in chocolate, little cakes, and fancy snacky things. I got slightly tipsy while Rose designed the dress of the century.
I needed an Edward fix so I pulled out my phone.
I misssssss you. -B
Smiling, I waited for his text, but I got no response.
I knew he was on the golf course but couldn't he pull his phone out of his pocket for one second?
I'm having an attachment attack. I need help. -B
Frowning, I set my phone down and ate some more goodies but my eyes stayed glued to that silent rectangle.
After twenty minutes, I snatched it up and sent another text.
Even though you're far, far away, I loved last night. I'm adding that to one of my favorite nights. -B
My phone did not ding back.
A small knot started forming where those goodies went so I finally called but it went straight to voicemail. I called a second time but once again, he didn't pick up.
Two hours went by.
Pushing my champagne flute to the side, I told myself to calm down because maybe they were having lunch, or maybe his phone died, or maybe he got struck by lightning. But even the thought that he may be lying dead on the golf course somewhere didn't bother me as much as the thought that maybe my attachment issues had really become an issue. Maybe last night was too much. I thought he enjoyed it but maybe I was wrong. Then I regretted my needy texts I just sent and wished I could remove my screen and pull them back out.
"Bella, what do you think?" Rose asked, dragging me from my funk. Her lips quirked a bit which actually shocked me because for her, that equaled a glowing grin.
"Oh, um, let me see," I mumbled as I walked over to where she sat with her "gown crew." It didn't matter if she showed me a sketch of Superman's cape, I planned on fawning over it and giving her my stamp of approval, but when I took a look at it? I had to confess that it truly was a piece of art.
"Rose, it's beautiful," I said genuinely.
The quirk quirked some more. "It is, isn't it?"
"It's stunning. You're going to knock Emmett on his ass."
That's when I finally saw it. A big, gorgeous smile followed up with a laugh. She was truly the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, at least on the outside. The inside? Not so much.
She finished all of the details while I went back to staring at my dumb communicator. I turned it off and back on to make sure my texting was working properly and I told myself I shouldn't have drank all of that champagne because it was messing with my ability to think straight.
I finally just shoved the stinking thing in my back pocket wanting to kick my own ass for blowing such a tiny thing totally out of proportion but I just could not help myself. I had turned clingy. I knew it. Needy, clingy, like I had warned him. I wasn't kidding around when I made that declaration but maybe he thought I was and had now finally come to his senses.
We left Vera's with Rose on a high. We went to dinner and she talked about that dress constant non-stop. The cost? Fifty grand. Yep, you read that right. I tried to stay in the conversation to begin with but I just couldn't because I could not stop worrying that I'd scared Edward off. Then Emmett started calling and texting Rose every five seconds and I eavesdropped like a motherhuffer and tried to read her texts but I didn't hear a word about Edward. I desperately wanted to tell her to ask Emmett about him but I knew that was a desperate girlfriend, disgustingly clingy move so I stayed quiet. My anxiety had hit Defcon 5 levels.
My feet dragged sluggishly into the hotel. When I got up to our suite, I debated about calling him again, or texting, or sending out an S.O.S. but instead, I hid my phone under the mattress and pulled a chair up to those big windows and stared out at the city. I missed him so badly and literally ached for him and I wondered where he was. Was he thinking about me too?
Annoyed at myself, I had just wiped a tear from my eye when I heard a voice. "I've come for you, my love, and I plan on cumming for you later."
I shot up out of my chair and turned towards him and there he stood in a black collared golf shirt and black pants holding a huge bouquet of red roses. I busted out crying like that desperate girlfriend that I did not want to be and a few seconds later, I was in his arms.
"Baby, what's wrong?" he asked and I shoved my face in his chest and started crying harder. Pulling me close, he ran his fingers through my hair and let me blubber on him.
"Tell me, sweetheart," he whispered, pushing me back and looking into my teary eyes with his beautiful worried ones. Cradling my face in his hands, he used his thumbs to wipe my tears.
"I just, I thought..."
"You thought what?"
"I didn't hear from you..."
"I wanted to surprise you."
"But I was scared..."
"What were you scared of?"
"That the clingy thing..."
"I want you to cling to me, Bella, and I want to cling to you."
"But mine is scary clinging."
"Mine is too."
"No, it's not."
"Yes, it is. Why do you think I flew out here?"
"I don't know."
"It's because we have to be together. Our love is intense."
"You really feel clingy?"
"Yes, I feel clingy. If I could, I'd take you to work with me everyday."
I smiled and sniffled. "You would?"
"Yes, I would. I'd take you to court, sit you in the front row and let you watch me lawyer. And you'd lust after my super-hot self because I'd wow you with my ability to speak eloquently and command the room. Of course the Gucci you love would be an added bonus."
I let out a gross sob snort. "I'd keep you locked in my toy closet if I could."
"With Woody and Buzz?"
"I'd play with them until you unlocked the door and let me come out to play with you."
I grabbed him so tightly, holding him to me, and rubbed my face on his wet shirt that contained my tears. He squeezed back and rested his chin on the top of my head and we stood there for awhile just basking in our love.
Pulling back a smidgen, I stared up into his face that I adored. "If anything ever happened to you, my cone would shrivel up."
He stared at me for a heartbeat before a pop of laughter bounced out of him like he just got hit in the gut with a shovel. "What the hell is a cone?"
"You've never seen Coneheads?"
"Really? You're missing out. Beldar – he's an alien and has this humongous, pointy head – anyway he loved his wife so much that he told her that if she ever died, his cone would shrivel up and basically he'd died too."
"So my head is pointy?"
"No, your head is perfect. I'm just saying that if we did have cones and you died, or left me, or got struck by lightning on the golf course, mine would shrink to the size of a raisin."
He laughed and laughed and laughed. "So this whole thing is a metaphor for how much you love me?"
"Then my cone would shrivel as well."
My smile could have been seen from the space station orbiting the earth.
Then my smile turned a little sexy. "Why are you hard?" I asked feeling a thick bulge in his golf pants.
"I became hard as soon as I stepped into this room and saw you. Well, to be truthful, I think it started out in the hallway."
I squeezed his thick bulge in my hand and he groaned. "I liked your words, those "came, cum" words."
He grabbed my ass and squeezed my buns. "I knew you'd like it," he said in a low voice.
"I think we're both sex addicts."
"We need to get into therapy."
"You can go but I'm not," he said with mischievous eyes and I started laughing.
"I think we need to get naked," I said.
"I think so too."
"Let's race to see who can strip the fastest."
He practically ripped his golf shirt off and I started laughing at his conehead-like hair. Mine went flying somewhere and I had just started on my zipper when he already had his belt unbuckled and in one fell swoop, he shoved his pants and boxers down together and left them at his ankles as he stood proud and grinning at me with his dick hard as a hammer handle.
I giggled like a lunatic when he started shuffling towards me with his pants twisted around his ankles and his dick bobbing.
I had just gotten mine to my ankles when he shouted, "I won!" and grabbed me and kissed me like crazy. We finally got our clothes off and fell into bed, laughing. He rolled on top of me, pressing me into the duvet.
"You know those dirty things we texted last night?"
"I plan on doing a few of them."
"Like all of them..."
And we did. For hours.
The next day I rearranged my flight so Edward and I could fly home together. I also talked to Rose about when we could plan her bachelorette party. She gave me some dates and I knew it would be a pain in the ass to get everyone's schedules to line up, plus Emmett planned on having his bachelor party the same night so we had some planning to do.
When we got home, I started calling all of the girls and Edward started calling the guys. It took us forever to get a date that worked for everyone but we didn't want to leave anyone out so we made the extra effort. I was in charge of the party for the gals and Edward? He was supposed to be in charge of the guys but it ended up that the only planning he did was deciding which club they were going to go to because Rose threatened to chop off Emmett's balls and wear them as earrings if he even looked at another woman, let alone a stripper. I stepped into the stands with her on that one because the thought of Edward looking at another woman made me feel a little violent.
"You look gorgeous, baby," Edward said, looking lustfully at me as I slipped on my these-might-kill-me heels.
"You think?" I asked as I stood up and tugged on my gold sequined top.
He smiled sexily. "I'm going to fuck you in those heels later."
"You're going to be drunk off your ass later."
"I can fuck even drunk," he said wiggling his brows and I laughed.
"How do I look?" he asked with a smirk.
I scowled at his gray slacks, white tailored shirt with the top few buttons open and cufflinks. Yes, he even wore cufflinks, but my scowl scowled even more when I stared at his Adonis face and wicked hair.
"Tell me, baby," he said all coy-like as he pulled me into his arms.
"I am not telling you anything. I know women throw themselves at you and that really pisses me off."
"They sometimes throw their panties too, and an occasional bra. Even you threw your bra at me remember?" he said all smiley.
He tried to kiss me but I pushed his face away.
"I'm serious," I stormed. "Everyone is going to be looking at you and wanting you and lusting after you and if any panties or bras are involved, I'm going to go nuclear."
He laughed and tried to kiss my neck but I didn't want it.
"I love it when you're jealous," he mumbled into my hair.
"I hate feeling this way and this really seems to be one-sided."
"It's not. Believe me, I hate the thought of anyone looking at you too but you're going to come home to me tonight and I trust you so it doesn't matter."
I trusted him but I did not want to share him with anyone even if it only involved eyeballs.
"Can I make a sign with the word "taken" on it in bold letters so you can wear it around your neck?"
He laughed and nuzzled my neck but I was dead serious.
A horn honked signaling the arrival of one of the limos and my phone dinged with a text so I knew the limo was for me.
"Give me a kiss, baby," Edward said as he pursed his lips ridiculously big and made kissy noises as he approached his target. His warm lips hit mine but I did not kiss back because I wanted to run into my office and make up that sign. He pulled away and smiled. "You better kiss me or I won't let you leave."
"Is that how I can keep you home? Do the "no kisses for you" thing?"
He stuck out his lower lip. "But Edward needs your lips," he said all pouty, pleading, and cute so I reluctantly gave in. I could feel his smile against my mouth as he slowly kissed mine, slipping a little tongue in when he could.
I pulled away and grabbed his face in my hands. "If anyone flirts with you or pinches you or whatever, you tell them you're married okay? Yes, I used the M word and I don't care. Married, not a girlfriend. Married."
"This possessive streak of yours has my dick so hard right now," he said in a low voice before the limo driver laid on the horn again. "Get your cute little ass out of here before I start playing the bongos on it."
I laughed. But very unwillingly.
I tottled out to the limo - wishing I had a cane for support - and joined the group of sluts, well except for Alice. You should have seen them. It was the tits galore limo. Rose had on a champagne-colored shorts jumpsuit of a thing that left a little ass hanging out and had a plunging neckline that almost hit her waist. I could not even look at her because every time, my eyes went to her monster jugs. I knew there was no way in hell Emmett saw her before she left because he would have gone caveman and carried her off to a hovel somewhere.
We arrived at the club and I had arranged a private room already set up for us. I went all out and bought a ton of disgusting penisy crap that I ordered online because I refused to step inside that ornery, embarrassing store I went to in order to replace Duncan. The girls did the most despicable things you can imagine with all of it and I laughed. A lot.
I wanted the room to be only for us but Lauren and Victoria started dragging men into it. It all turned into this huge party and you should have seen the men panting over Rose. She had no interest in any of them but she loved the attention and she got a ton of it.
Edward and I had texted a few times and as the evening wore on, I could tell he'd been knocking back the shots because his texts got really gushy, and well, weird. He told me his love would last forever and ever and ever and he typed "ever" like twenty times. Then he told me he wanted to kiss my elbows and he even asked if I would wear a polka dot bow tie for him "buffed." I had to stare at it for a moment until I finally realized he meant "in the buff."
Oh, and he told me he loved me more than ravioli. I told you it got weird. AutoCorrect had to be involved because no one can spell "ravioli" when they're three sheets to the wind.
Hours passed and the girls got drunker and hornier and some debauchery began to happen in our private room so I stepped out for a break. I kept my drinking to a minimum because I knew I'd have my hands full afterwards.
I made my way to the bar and had just refilled my glass when I bumped into someone and spilled their drink. "Oh, I'm sorry," I shouted over the music, "I didn't meant to bump you."
The guy slowly eyed me from head to toe before a salacious grin spread across his face. "You can bump into me anytime with that ass. I'm James, by the way."
I wanted to pummel him and tell him to get lost but instead I announced, "I'm married," and I have to admit that I smiled proudly because those two words felt fabulous on my lips.
"I don't see a ring," he said cocking an eyebrow.
"It's at home. Sorry, but I need to go find my husband," I said as I tried to brush past him and my lips felt even more fabulous when I spoke those two words and I wanted to say them more often, like forever.
He stepped in my path and wouldn't let me pass. "You can come party with me later, if you want."
"That's nice but no thank you," I said way too nicely because I was still a little high on my statements of matrimony. I made my way around him, stumbling in those dumb heels, and found Alice and linked my arm with hers.
"What's wrong?" she asked because she saw the smile and knew that my situation in that club at that particular moment would have never generated one in a million years.
"Some creeper came onto me and I told him I was married," I said giggling a little. "One of these days, Alice, I'm going to be walking down the aisle towards my hunky neighbor. I'm gonna put a ring on it, let me tell you."
She laughed and shook her head as I pictured my gorgeous boyfriend in a black tux with feisty hair and smiley, greeny eyes waiting on me at the end of some churchy aisle, beachy sandy path, or rocky terrain, who cares, and that smile of mine tagged along with me for quite some time.
My smile dimmed, however, when I had to change my middle name to "sex police" to keep Lauren and Victoria in check. I think they each told three different guys that they'd go home with them and they had dry humped at least half a dozen.
It hit four a.m. and Alice and I corralled the bachelorette drunks and pushed them towards the door. Alice seemed to have them under control and I was about to pee my pants so I made a quick beeline to the toiletry. I was almost to my destination when someone grabbed my arm from behind. "I've been watching you all night. You're so uptight. I bet you have one hot little pussy under those jeans," James breathed lewdly in my ear.
My matrimony high was over and done with and I had to pee like the dickens so I instantly reacted, thanks to my beloved dad. Grabbing his hand, I stomped on his foot as hard as I could with my close-to-a-stiletto heel and he released his grip just enough so that I could turn and knee him hard in the balls.
Grunting, he bent over and I yelled, "Take that, bozo," before I took off like a bullet towards the bathroom. I honestly didn't care if he caught me and turned me into roadkill, all I cared about was emptying my bladder. My bullet speed only lasted halfway to the toilet in those stupid damn heels before I twisted my ankle and let out a pained screech as I fell flat on my face. I mean my arms were there to catch me but it was definitely a near face plant.
Glancing behind me at the creeper, I began the military crawl, like one of those muddy, badass Navy Seal crawls. I had no idea that I could even do such a thing but my god, my skinny arms went to town dragging my body across that disgusting floor and I knew that if my career didn't pan out, I could definitely join the army.
James' ugly mug contorted with pain from me destroying his balls and he slowly came towards me. My pee almost left my body because I was trapped slithering down the dead-end hallway towards the john. I wanted to shout, "Please just let me go relieve myself before you kill me," but I didn't get a chance to because the men's bathroom door opened and out came a guy.
"Are you okay?" he asked as he leaned down and stared at me inquisitively.
"Oh god, I'm not. Can you help me to the toilet? I twisted my ankle and I have to go so bad."
"Sure," he said, chuckling as he helped me stand. I wrapped my arm tightly around him and glanced behind me at the creeper. James kept his slanted eyes on mine before he disappeared into the small crowd exiting the club.
"Asshole," I mumbled hateful-like but then I remembered the guy. "Oh no, not you, I meant that creep. You're awesome," I said to him with a grin. "Can you help me to the stall and then wait outside to help me back out? I'll pay you. Any sum. Do you take credit cards?"
The guy laughed again and I was so thankful that he had a sense of humor. He helped me wobble into the bathroom and there were a handful of drunks in there who probably thought the guy was just a really ugly woman because they didn't seem phased by it one bit. He helped me into the stall and I didn't give a flying fart how embarrassing it was.
"Can you come back in five minutes?"
Smiling, he nodded and left and I did the pee-pee dance on one hooker heel as I mumbled, "I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go." I started sweating and had the cold chills while I juggled my pained foot and tried to strip those dumb painted-on jeans down just enough to take a whizz, but instead, I fell over and embraced the giant toilet paper circle and mumbled, "Dear god help me," as I hung onto it for dear life. I just knew if I fell on that floor I would catch Ebola and die.
"Holy shit, I'm going to piss my pants," I mumbled totally panicked and considered just giving up and letting it rip but my bladder was so full that I knew I'd be soaked to my ankles and those ho's in the limo would never let me live it down.
I hopped around like a chicken with its head cut off and finally got my jeans down just enough. I have no idea where my g-string went. It could have been wrapped around my neck and I wouldn't have even noticed. I braced my hands on the sides of the stall so I could hunch over the toilet because I did not want my ass touching that nasty thing and I lost my balance and almost fell in ass first. I did that "ahhhhhhhhh" thing you do when you pee and it feels like you've entered pee-pee paradise.
Straightening, I lost my balance again since my jeans were around my knees and grabbed the hook on the back of the door and kind of swung on it like a monkey. Holding tight to that hook, I stretched and tried to reach the toilet paper thingy and couldn't so I hopped over there and hung tight to the circle again as I reached underneath and my hand moved back and forth and back and forth and I felt that panicked feeling you get when you just took a shit and there's no more butt wipes left because yeah, there were no more butt wipes left.
I heard a knock on the stall door. "Are you ready yet?" the guy asked.
"Oh my god," I mumbled and almost asked him to help me get my stupid jeans pulled back up because I had absolutely no modesty left.
Somehow, I got those damn things up and opened the door. He smiled again as I kind of lunged towards him. "My hands are really gross, is that okay?"
He chuckled. "Not a problem," he said and I used him as a crutch as he helped me down the hallway to a stool.
"Let me take a look at your ankle," he said as he gently helped me get those death stilts off. "It looks pretty bad. It might be broken."
"It feels broken," I mumbled as I pulled out my phone and texted Alice that I needed help and immediately called Edward.
"Baby?" he slur-answered drunk off his ass. "I love you, baby, I love you love you. Do you still have those heels on?"
I had only seen Edward drunk once and close-to-drunk on a few occasions and each time, he got really marshmallow mushy which usually made me happy happy but not at that moment.
"Edward, I need help. There was this guy hitting on me and I twisted my ankle and it might be broken and I - "
"Huh? What guy?"
"Just some loser. I took care of him trust me, I - "
"What guy?" he drunk repeated.
"Some guy named James, I - "
"He hit on you? You're mine, baby, mine. Did he touch you?"
"Yes, but I busted his balls. Are you home yet?"
"He touched you?" he still-drunk shouted.
Alice showed up and frowned as her eyes darted from my shoes, to the guy, to my bare feet, to my phone, back to my shoes and she kept it on repeat for a few seconds.
"Edward? Did you hear my question? Are you home? Who's with you?"
"Nobody touches you," he slur-growled. "I'm going to murder him."
"Edward, you can murder him later, but please answer the question. Are you home?"
"Yup. Where'd he touch you? Nobody touches my babydoll 'cuz I love my babydoll and I'll kill him. Kill him, baby, kill him."
"Okay. Let me think," I said, thinking. "Okay. I'll have the limo driver drop me off and we can get a taxi to the hospital that way if you pass out at least you'll be in the right spot for medical attention."
"Who touched you?" he shouted. "I'm the only one that touches my baby. You're my baby, only mine."
I won't lie, his words gave me little tingles and it wasn't the stabbing tingles in my ankle. I pictured him all glassy-crazy-eyed with his hair sticking up like a sexy Troll wanting to Kung Fu James' ass and those tingles in my body intensified. I wanted to be rescued, swept away by my crazed, obsessed boyfriend who wanted to own me and possess me and for some reason, I had started sounding like a Harlequin romance novel.
"Where'd you go?" he shouted, pulling me away from my delightful thoughts.
"Baby, I'm coming for you so you can go insanely possessive on me," I said to my man, grinning and giggling.
"You are my baby, baby," he mumbled sexy-like before he shouted, "Who touched you?"
I laughed and laughed and told him goodbye three or four times but he kept yelling about me being his one and only baby - hot damn, oh yeah - so I just left him on speaker phone and listened to his glorious ranting as Alice and the nice guy helped me out to the limo…
My ride to my drunk knight in shining armor.
A/N: Drunk Edward is on his way, ladies... ;)