Author's Notes: Written for fun/crack/WTF potential XD

Contains slight spoilers for Dark of the Moon. I saw the film, actually. Pretty awesome :D

Anyway, if spoilers are your bane, avoid this fic till you watch DOTM or something. If you don't mind them, then, hey, you'll find out if you read on XD

Enjoy :D

Certainly, there were positives to this mission of his. Well, more of a single positive to be exact, but a positive nevertheless.

Soundwave, still and patient as always, parked next to the massive centre that belonged to his convenient little minion, patiently awaited the return of the human female, designated Carly Brooks-Spencer. His alternate form was flawless to his mission; a silver Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG, a renowned vehicle among the insects. The Decepticon was posing as the female's 'gift' from her boss. Soundwave never really did bother himself with human customs and emotions, but he imagined the female was very pleased of the handsome vehicle in her possession.

And he himself was certainly not objecting to this new mission, courtesy of Lord Megatron. Not only was it convenient to their cause, it was convenient for him.

At last, the female saw fit to leave the insect hive, strolling out of the front doors towards her new ride, confident yet collected, wearing a simple white dress of sorts. Soundwave's scanners focused on her, observing the human as she strolled towards him, scanning every last strand of DNA and hair follicle. Her importance to Operation: Pillar was her relationship with none other then Megatron's murderer; Sam Witwicky. With her, the Decepticons could ultimately bring the boy into being their puppet against the Autobots. But for now, patience and timing was required.

The female removed his vehicle mode's key from the purse draped around her left shoulder and clicked the unlock button; maintaining his disguise, he unlocked his doors in response with an appropriate click for confirmation, and allowed the girl to open the right door, swinging it upwards before promptly entering the vehicle with a small sigh, settling herself on the leather seat, then pulling it back down, dumping her purse on the other seat.

As the girl readied herself by pulling the seatbelt across her frame, Soundwave allowed himself to indulge in the reason his new mission was a positive one; he allowed himself to feel.

The leather padding of his seats came alive in a net of advanced sensors, measuring every ounce of pressure and weight distribution and he could feel the soft mass of the femme upon him, a soft warmth emanating from her mammalian structure that soothed the temperature sensors of his network, the rounded curves of her behind settling so comfortably into him; he could trace every contour of her, could feel her back, soft, straight, the length of her spine, could feel the golden locks of her hair tickling against his frame, like a breeze of wind. Even his seat-belt held low-grade scanning systems, and they traced across the female's firm torso and lap. He could feel her, really feel her, and she felt wonderful. Certainly, she was a human insect, but Soundwave could appreciate her. Indeed, he could...

A turn of the key and his engine rumbled to life with a pleased whine, steadying out into the low purr of idle animation as his systems switched to a manual code, allowing her the honour of 'driving', but ready for him to influence should he need to, of course.

Her belt safely in place, the girl placed one hand on his steering wheel, and his sensors instantly worshipped the soft warm touch of her flesh skin on their sensitive network, while the other hand gripped his gear stick (The Decepticon restrained himself from purring with eons of patience) and, firmly, shifted it into first gear, before joining the other appendage in holding his steering wheel as her shoe-clad feet pressed on his pedals. With a rumble, he shifted away from the pavement and onto the road, and Carly sighed softly as she drove him, naturally content in the wonderfully comfortable leather that supported her so nicely, curved as if it had been designed for her specifically to sit in it.

Admittedly, she loved this car. It wasn't the magnificent Camaro that was her Sam's Bumblebee, of course, but still good. Awesome, really.

Soundwave's systems scanned constantly, in case of foolish drivers or other obstacles and threats, while his communications systems, fire-walled and encrypted against any Autobots, was ready in case Megatron contacted him, while his physical sensors focused all attention on the female within him; Allspark, she had such a wonderful frame, curves and feminine delicacy, with toned thighs and a sleek torso. Had fate been kind enough that she had been born a Cybertronian rather then a primitive human, he imagined she'd be one to cause even Shockwave to overheat in awe.

Considering the emotionless attitude and logical nature of the cyclops, that was saying something.

As it was, Soundwave revelled in the girl's feel, and he could definitely say that, once Operation: Pillar succeeded and Earth was theirs, she would be his. He was enjoying her too much, admittedly, to let her rejoin her kind as the mass of slaves for the Decepticons.

Carly shifted in her seat slightly, the friction causing a spike of pleasurable warmth that surged from his sensors to his core processor, in a soothing rub of gentleness. Allspark, it felt good. Soundwave hadn't felt this pleased since he downloaded every piece of interesting information from the corpse of a deceased Dreadwing. Information was always a bonus, a joy, for him, but it was not at all comparing with the bonus of allowing this female to indulge herself in him, so to speak. The simple knowledge that she knew of the Autobots and Decepticons, yet did not know him, only made this masquerade more fun for him.

His internal motion tracker then detected her hand delicately shifting over to the small button that controlled an important and specialised function of his. If he were in robot form, Soundwave would have grinned (Well, if he could grin with his faceplate). That little button happened to activate the vehicle's... massage feature, typically placed in the more elaborate and upper-class vehicles of human society to relax the driver. Evidently, the female had undergone a hard day.

Well, all the better to help her unravel.

Button was pressed, and the disguised Decepticon went into action.

Carly let out an appreciative cross of a sigh and a moan as her seat slowly vibrated, rumbling ever so slightly to produce a constant flurry of movement, the leather seat's inner mechanics working swiftly and competently, as always of him. The girl's body shuddered under the rapid movements, designed to stimulate and relax, and Soundwave was enjoying her reactions, feeling her warm softness shuddering under his effect. Knowing that she was softly sighing under his manipulations sent thrills of joy through him. His seat continued to vibrate, drawing out the sense of pleasure in the girl's mind, allowing her muscles to loosen in relaxation, and Soundwave lapped up every little reaction of hers, storing all the feelings and sensations of his in a special file in his personal hard-drive, for future reminiscence.

Every single minute rumble of his seat made her feel good, and her own movements made him feel good. It was a mutual benefit, and she didn't even know it. Amusing.

The Mercedes admired the female's concentration; despite his massage in place, she maintained focus on the road, never drifting off, always wary and not missing the human traffic lights. And now, believe it or not, Soundwave's scanners picked up none other then the Autobot hunter, Barricade.

The police car was idly parked on a nearby pavement near a larger building, watching the cars go pass, maintaining his illusion as an officer of human law. He'd been stationed here by Starscream to keep an eye on the hidden NEST facility in the area, following Autobots and such, to find out any decent information. He promptly detected Soundwave and gave a subtle flash of his headlight in greeting, which Soundwave returned. However, spotting his fellow Decepticon lead to the Communications Officer developing a naughty idea.

Quickly, he accessed the file that detailed all of the pleasured reactions of his human, the feeling of her on his seat, the sensors measuring every part of her, detecting her warmth, her softness. Encrypting the file within a communications signal, Soundwave extended a link to Barricade (As well as Starscream, for the sake of it), detailing file passage, which the police cruiser (And the jet) accepted and opened.

With an air of unfathomable smugness, Soundwave posted the file.

As Carly drove further away from the police car, the Mercedes awaited the reaction of his fellow Decepticons. And it came.

The Saleen's engine came to life with an angry and jealous roar, sirens activating in a high-pitched scream, but by this time, the Mercedes had already vanished behind a building, out of the police car's range, just as the Decepticon's second-in-command, also quite angered, contacted Soundwave with:

"What the slag, Soundwave! Why are you sending me this? What the f-"

"Jealous?"

"Frag no, you disgusting flesh-lover! You make me sick! I'm telling Megatron!"

"Confirmation; received. Starscream; jealous."

"Damn you, you piece of-"

Soundwave, with half of his mission done, feeling pretty pleased with himself, promptly severed and blocked the communications with Starscream, and now turned his attention to the internal communications being sent to him that truly depicted how Barricade felt right now.

"You cocky pile of slag! You think you're good, flaunting your little pet around?"

"Soundwave does not think he is good; Soundwave KNOWS."

"Frag you. You're just her dumb gift-car, you pathetic suck-up. If she knew the truth, she'd have the Autobots rip you apart. You're not good; you're just dumb-lucky."

"Barricade; jealous."

"I AM NOT JEALOUS OF SOME COMPUTER ON LEGS CARTING AROUND A FLESH-BAG!"

"Confirmation; received. Barricade; jealous."

"I'm not jealous of YOU, Soundwave. Don't make me get Shockwave in here to prove you wrong!"

"Shockwave is currently performing his assignment. Interruption over petty jealousy; inadvisable."

"You smug little scrap. I'll take your sonic cannons and shove them up your exhaust pipes!"

"Judging by reactions, Soundwave has a conclusion; Barricade is jealous. Soundwave knows what the femme likes. Barricade does not."

"You know what, Soundwave? FRAG YOU!"

"Vulgarity; defence of the weak mind."

"ARGH-"

Soundwave promptly severed communications with the angered hunter, chuckling inwardly, even more smug now. If there was one thing better then carrying around this wonderfully soft female, it was carrying her AND taunting his fellow Decepticons over their lack of comfy drivers. Settling back down into idle contemplation, he continued monitoring the environment and his driver- Mostly his driver.

She had good grip, he had to admit. His steering wheel appreciated the firm pressure of her hands, and every tilt of his gear stick earned a soft purr from his engine. It was definitely without doubt that Barricade was jealous of the fact that Soundwave had the pleasure of transporting the fine specimen as part of the larger plan.

The boy, Sam Witwicky, was a lucky man, admittedly.

The girl gave a soft sigh, that his audio sensors absorbed eagerly, his massage feature still in play. Allspark, he could do this for hours and hours on end; just relaxing the girl, feeling her soft little reactions under his unknown touch, providing her with his convenient assistance. This was far better then gathering information in space, definitely.

Settling back into the routine of simply feeling her, Soundwave relaxed for a few minutes, before his com link buzzed. He was not surprised that it was Megatron who contacted him, undoubtedly Starscream's tattle at work. Soundwave opened the channel for the third time today:

"Soundwave."

"Soundwave acknowledges."

"Starscream says you sent him distasteful information for no reason at all. Is that true?"

"Starscream; childish. Information; good."

"Humph. Let's see the file then, Soundwave. What worked up the little sycophant so much?"

"File; prepared. Link established."

"File accepted. Let's see what we have here..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Ha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Soundwave, I never knew you had it in you! Ha ha, no wonder Starscream is bitching like a youngling on high-grade!"

"Soundwave; superior, Starscream; inferior."

"True, true. Good work, Soundwave. Keep to the plan and don't get too distracted."

"Affirmative. And the file?"

"Yes, the file, um... pretty good, Soundwave. I'll, er, talk to you later. Megatron out."

Communications were severed, and Soundwave restrained a chuckle. Indeed, his Master always knew that Soundwave was the best at yielding any information required. Smugly, the Mercedes closed down all communication channels for a little privacy, his mission in showing up the other two Decepticons complete.

And now, the girl parked outside her home, gave a small sigh and laid back in her chair, content to just sit here for a while and relax. Soundwave liked that.

Oh yes, this mission was a very positive one.

Author's Notes: ROFLMAO XD

Silly and perverted, sure, but fun as hell :D Oh, Soundwave, you sly son of a glitch.

Now you know why Megs listened to Carly XD