Silas stands there, just stands there. Shane rambles on about similes and heart attacks, but all Silas can really do is stand there and stare at his little brother like a complete idiot. He opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. He's speechless and it's the first time he's every really not known what to say to his little brother.
"You killed someone?" It comes out as a question, but he already knows the answer. And all he can do is stare. Stare at his little brother.
Who somehow had become a killer. Who had put it upon himself to protect the family. Shane had always been a bit odd, but he was never cold not like this person in front of him. How had he become so lost? How had he drifted so far out of Silas's reach?
"But I'm family." That one short phrase sticks out among everything else.
And later that night as Silas sits in the back seat of the van with Shane and Stevie, driving off to god knows where, that's all he can think about. He looks over to his brother, dark hair covering closed eyelids, he wonders how he could have failed any worse as an older brother. He had seen the signs. They were more visible after the shooting. He would never say this but when he heard Shane got shot his heart stopped for a second and relief flooded through him as he heard that Shane was alright. Only that relief was soon replaced by anger. Anger at Estaban for putting his brother in danger. Anger at his mom for letting their lives spin so out of control like this and anger at himself for not being there to protect his little brother.
"I like the pain." Shane had said it so casually that at first Silas was sure he heard him wrong. But then Shane started explaining how it felt and Silas was just sitting there absorbing the curve ball just tossed his way.
So he stayed. He stayed at that house instead of going off to Europe and trying to be normal. Instead of going to Amsterdam he stayed there to watch over Shane. To keep him out of trouble and what a great fucking job he did.
Why couldn't he have just stayed little and harmless. Stayed innocent and pure. Hell Silas would even take back the Pittsburg obsession over this. If he could go back in time and stop all of this he would in an instant. He would trade places with Shane that day and watch his father die and maybe save him that bit of trauma in his life. He would stop Shane from sneaking out of the party and grab the croquet stick himself if it would change anything.
Silas doesn't believe in God anymore. If there was a God would he let their father die. If there was a God would he let his innocent little brother fall so far. So no, Silas does not believe in God. Not since there father died and definitely not now. Now that Shane had blood on his hands, now that they were running from the law.
"I protected the family." God he was the older brother. He was supposed to be the one to protect them, but he was never good at living up to expectations. Not his father's and definitely not Shane's.
Guess all he's good for is growing and nothing else. And the thing that bothers him the most is that Shane is so unremorseful. Doesn't even care that he smashed in Pilar's head with a croquet stick. The fact that he made a joke about it less than ten minutes after the fact is even more disturbing. But Silas's isn't scared of Shane; he could never fear his own brother. No matter what he did. Because Shane was still his little brother.
Silas remembered the day his parents brought Shane home. His mom had gently put Shane into his arms and hovered as Silas held the tiny baby. Shane wriggled a little at first, not appreciating being moved, but stopped as soon as Silas steadied his arms. He remembered being terrified of dropping him, scared to death that he'd break the tiny thing. And then Shane opened his eyes and his deep dark eyes peered up wonderingly at his older brother and a tiny hand reached up and grabbed at a lock of Silas's golden hair, tugging lightly. Silas's stared in awe at the tiny hand and wondered briefly how such a tiny creature would grow up.
What happened to Shane? What happened to the innocent, annoying kid that his brother used to be? When had he turned cold and distant? And when had he stopped seeing the value in every life? Maybe it was because mom was never around anymore. Maybe it was because he watched their father die. Or maybe it was because the one person he was supposed to always be able to count on, to stick up for him, and protect him never stepped. And that is what Silas was really upset about. That when everything was going down and his brother needed him the most he turned his back on him, on their family, and forced Shane to become what his brother couldn't. Forced Shane to take on the burden of protector, instead of child. Pushed him to do what he thought was necessary to keep their family intact.
So Shane grabbed that mallet and made his choice. He bloodied his hands so Silas wouldn't have to, because he had always been the strong one. The one who could live through anything and not lose faith. Shane in his own twisted way did something for their family Silas was never able to, he protected them. Shane did what needed to be done when Silas wouldn't.
Silas had never been good with expectations. He always ran when things got too serious for him. So in way he got his wish because now no one expected anything from him. Not Shane, not mom, not Andy, and not even himself.
Family protects family. So way hadn't he protected Shane?