Disclaimer: I don't own the DBZ gang, a rich Japanese man does. I don't own the character Barney either and after suffering through several episodes just to get this plot bunny I hate the sight of purple dinosaurs!

Rating: PG. 13

Warnings: Humor, innuendo, torture of dinosaurs and ridiculing of children's icons.

Summary: This is yet another in the Pre-schooler arc. This time it's Barney's turn to suffer at the hands of my sick and twisted imagination.

Archive: Dragonball-diaries.

Anyone else just ask, I'm happy to share.

Author's notes: This one is dedicated to Matty who commented that he would like to see Barney destroyed in one of the Pre schooler arc fic's, given that it was either the purple dinosaur or the Teletubbies... I opted for the easy way out. *grin*

Status: In progress.

"Barney's Castle"

Sept 2003 Debs-dragon

Chapter 1

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this again, Kakarott!"

"Awww! C'mon Vegeta. You can't tell me you didn't enjoy yourself the last few times we filled in for the kids shows?" Goku stopped and opened the door to the studio.

Vegeta stepped inside. "That reminds me, you promised me payment in the shape of bananas for one of the other ones we did and I'm still waiting."

"Ummm..." Goku didn't think now was the best time to let his fellow Saiya-jin know he had eaten them all himself. "Oh look, there's the producer. What say we find out what show we're doing this time."

Goku proceeded to walk across the studio towards the set where a rather bald man was doing his best to squeeze into oblivion between a camera and some prop's that were around.

"Goku and Vegeta reporting for duty, Mr. Producer."

"Damn! Sprung!" The producer had no choice but to relinquish his hiding spot and face the pair that were rapidly becoming the bane of his existence. Not that he didn't appreciate the fact that they were so willing to help out and fill in when the normal actors got sick, he could just do without all the theatrical dramatics and special effects; not to mention the bickering that went with it. He was into his last two months of parole after the Noddy incident and he really didn't want a repeat of *that* little episode thank you very much!

"So, what is it you want us to do this time, Mr. Producer?" Goku smiled that goofy grin while Vegeta just scowled.

"Err... If you want to go through to wardrobe they will get you both ready and give you the scripts. I'll see that the set is ready. " The producer beat a hasty retreat.

"You heard the boss, Vegeta, let's go find wardrobe and get ready." Goku headed off towards some side doors, Vegeta mumbling curses under his breath at his heels.

"I am NOT wearing that!"

"Awww... Vegeta, it's for the children," Goku wheedled.

"I don't care if it's for the Pope. I refuse."

"You promised to help."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"You tricked me, Kakarott!"

"Ahh, but it was a fair game."

"I swear you had cards shoved up your sleeve."

"That wasn't proven and you know it. Just because you're a bad poker player doesn't mean you can go back on your word."

"Why don't you wear it?"

"I thought you would like to, that way no one has to know it's you in there."

Vegeta thought about that. Kakarott did have a point, at least his face wouldn't be visible so no one would know who was inside the goofy suit. With a long suffering sigh he nodded his head; after all, he'd been stuck in a banana suit, been a blue dog and had his masculinity questioned by a bell-ringing freak, what harm could possibly come to him in a purple dinosaur suit?

Goku neglected to add that the previous 'dinosaur' had quit owing to certain tricks being repeatedly played upon him by vicious little tots. He had last been seen high tailing it from the studio screaming something about no longer being used as a pincushion, that everyone could stuff the 'I love you' song where the sun didn't shine and that he hated anything and everything under four feet of height and ten years old!

"Great!" enthused Goku and pushed Vegeta to the change rooms while he himself allowed the wardrobe and make up artists to do their work and transform him into the character he was to play.

"You can come out now, Vegeta." Goku waited patiently.


"Come on Vegeta, they're waiting to get started."


"Why not?"

"Are you sure this is a children's show?"

"Yes. Why do you ask?"

Vegeta finally stepped out of the change rooms, well you wouldn't have known it was him except for the annoyed voice that came from somewhere in the overly large, purple head. "I think they need to change the rating."


"If this is a G rated show then I'm a pink fairy. Take a look at this outfit."

Goku looked the purple dinosaur up and down and scratched his head. He couldn't find anything wrong with it. "What's the problem with the outfit? It looks just fine to me."

"I don't have any clothes."


"Even Fat Cat [1] got to wear pants and they still banned him, what makes you think they aren't going to go after a purple dinosaur? I mean, this animal is running around wearing nothing but a few green spots down his back with a bunch of brats. They're gonna be calling me the purple pedophile!"

"You have a valid point there, Vegeta." Goku thought for a moment, then the invariable light bulb clicked on over his head. "I got it!"

"I hope it isn't contagious."

"Follow me," Goku said, ignoring the last comment.

Moments later they were back, Barney was now sporting an over sized t-shirt. "There you are. Now you're a bit more decent."

A string of mumbled curses emitted from within the purple head; which kind of clashed with the wide toothy grin the head was sporting.

"Let's get going, the set's awaiting and we should have started filming ten minutes ago." Goku grabbed the poor dinosaur by the arm and dragged him back through the studio to the set.

"Okay, places everyone... and... action..."

The cameras began to roll and the scene opened up in a backyard sand pit. Camera pans in and Goku is busily building a castle. Two other children come into the shot carrying buckets of sand, and dump them over Goku.

"CUT!" The director screamed. "What did you go and do that for?"

Both Tina and Derek give the director innocent smiles. "Ooops... sorry."

"Okay, let's try it again."

Tina and Derek gave each other a conspiratory grin. They didn't want to be here with these pair of no hopers any more than the purple ponce did, but alas their starry eyed parents had forced them into show business and so if they were going to be stuck here they may at least have some fun with it.


Goku once again started to build his sand castle, Tina and Derek approached carrying buckets of sand.

"Why are you building a sand castle, Goku?" Tina asked in a sickly sweet voice.

Goku looked up and sat back on his haunches. "I like castles. Once it's built I can play with my toy soldiers and plan attacks and things on the castle."

"Isn't that a bit juvenile?" Derek said as he sat his bucket down.

"It can be fun," replied Goku.

"I don't see how."

"Hey, kid, don't knock it till you've tried it," Goku growled out softly. He stood and observed the rather lop sided castle.

"Isn't it a bit... Ummm... you know... off?" Tina asked.

"It's just a sand castle, you don't need an architect's degree to build one you know," Goku huffed.

"Just some plain common sense would go a long way though," Derek muttered under his breath. "Have you got your soldiers?"

Goku grinned. "Yep. You want to play?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Here, you take these ones and you and Tina try to storm the castle. I'll be the other army and defend the castle." Goku passed over a motley looking collection of toy soldiers.

"Thanks." Derek rolled his eyes. Surely he could get into something better than this, even baked beans commercials were looking pretty good lately.

Tina moved to sit with Derek but found her way blocked by a stuffed purple dinosaur. "Shall I put Barney over there so he doesn't get hurt in the battle?" Tina picked up the toy and placed it on the edge of the sand pit.


A cloud of smoke erupted and then cleared revealing...


The director motioned for the camera to keep rolling and the effects crew to try again.


The smoke cleared.



*Cough, cough, choke, choke.* "Hey, go a little easier on the smoke will you?" Goku complained.


The director looked around. Where the hell was the dinosaur?

"Hey, Vegeta, I think that was your cue to appear."

Vegeta stood to the side of the set and turned his rather large silly looking eyes to Goku. "I refuse."


"I am no *poof*."

The director fell off his chair, Goku rolled his eyes, Derek and Tina grinned at each other. Maybe this episode wouldn't be so dull and boring after all.

"It's a sound effect, Vegeta."


"It just means that there is an explosion of smoke that clears to reveal that Barney, the stuffed toy, is now a real creature."

"I resent being called stuffed."

"You're not stuffed, you're playing the real thing."

"So that's why you call me a poof?"

"Give me strength!" Goku took a couple of steps towards Vegeta. "Listen, the sound effect goes off, the smoke explodes and then as it clears so the toy Barney is gone and the big, real life Barney is standing there in his place."

"I still don't like the word 'poof'."

"Okay! Okay! We can change the word. Then will you cooperate?"

The dinosaur cocked its head. "I guess so. As long as you don't call me stuffed again."

The director shook his head. "Ready to try again?"

Everyone nodded and took up their positions.



One special effects person went screaming from the set with his pants on fire. One purple dinosaur looked very smug.



The smoke cleared and a life-sized Barney stood in the center of the sand pit.

"Ummm... Barney?"

"Yes, Kakarott... errr Mike?"

"You weren't supposed to flatten the sand castle."


[1] Fat Cat: Here in Australia where I live one of our television channels has a childrens show on daily which features a large, orange 'cat' known as Fat cat. He does wear pants but doesn't speak. Our TV censor panel, in their wisdom decided not to ban him from tv as he did wear pants; Unfortunately, Humphrey B Bear (a rival station's character) was banned as he only wore a shirt and no pants. Go figure .