"Barney's Castle"

Sept 2003 Debs-dragon

Chapter 7

One elf, one king, one kid, one Saiya-jin and a purple dinosaur all whirled around in shock and stared at Derek. "What did you say?" the king repeated.

Derek grinned sheepishly. "Barney and Baby Bop hit it off really well so the next step is wedding bells," Derek stated and then ducked behind Tina.

The growl that came from within the purple suit would have put the Lion King to shame.

"Does Bulma know about this?" Goku inquired.

For a brief moment Barney's attention was taken from the 'soon to be fried' boy to Goku. Somehow Vegeta managed to make the dinosaur's eyes narrow, which was no mean feat given those eyes.

Baby Bop stuck her head around the door at the mention of her name. "What's going on?" she asked.

"Oh, Baby Bop, congratulations. Can I be a bridesmaid?" Tina simpered.

"If she's going to be a bridesmaid then can I be your matron of honor?" Twinkle tinkled.

Baby Bop wore an expression of bewilderment. "Huh?" was the only intelligent word to pass through her suit mouth.

"Well that's great news," Old King Cole stammered as he recovered from his shock. "I hope you will let me host the wedding for you, Baby Bop."

"Can someone please tell me what is going on here?" Baby Bop asked.

"Derek said you and Barney are going to get married," Twinkle replied.

"We are?"

"No we're not!"

"Oh, Barney..." The green dinosaur literally shot across the room and jumped into Barney's arms.

Barney missed the catch.

Baby Bop ended up on the floor.

"Good one, Vegeta, get her trained now to be worshiping you at your feet," Goku whispered as he nudged Vegeta in the suit ribs.

Barney turned his now blazing eyes towards Goku. "For the benefit of those of you in this room that are too thick to understand, let me repeat myself. I. Am. Not. Marrying. That. Green. Reptile."

"I wonder what color the babies will be?" Twinkle said to Tina, completely ignoring the purple one.

"I don't know," Tina mused as she thought about it. "Green and purple... Hmmm... probably a dirty brown color."

"Maybe they will be green with purple spots," Twinkle returned.

"Or purple with green spots," Tina answered.

"They won't be any color because I'm NOT GETTING MARRIED!"

The silence in the room was deafening. One dinosaur was rapidly going from a nauseating purple to a positively horrendous shade of deep crimson.

"You don't mean that?" Baby Bop sniffled.

"Yes I do!"

Baby Bop burst into tears, Barney resisted the urge to bash his head against the brick wall.

"It's okay Baby Bop, he's married anyway, so believe me when I say you wouldn't want him. Besides, the thought of lots of little green, purple, yellow reptiles with spikes, ruffles and funny eyes running around isn't exactly my idea of perfection..." Goku tried to soothe the distressed green lizard.

Baby Bop thought on that and turned her eyes to Goku. "You do have a point there," she said and then picked herself up off the floor. She turned to the watching audience and spoke again in her grating voice. "I've decided that I don't want to marry Barney after all so there won't be any wedding. It was a hard decision and took me a long time agonizing over, but I think it will be for the best."


Barney fainted.

~ Later ~

Goku leaned back in his chair and burped loudly. "Umm.. Pardon me," he said sheepishly as Barney glared at him. He rubbed his full stomach and turned his attention to the king. "That fish was delicious your kingship."

"I agree," Derek added, peering at the king through one open eye, the other one having turned a fetching shade of black and swollen to the point where he couldn't see out of it, courtesy of a right hook from Barney's short forearm when the dino had come out of his faint.

"Yes, very nice," Twinkle and Tina chorused as they wiped their mouths and placed their napkins on the table.

"I think it's time we were heading back," Barney said in a low growl. His stomach was complaining loudly; it was a real trial to try and get anything through that tiny gap that served as a mouth, not to mention the fact that the heat rash had taken over with a vengeance. Putting it bluntly Vegeta was feeling pretty much pissed off. He was hungry, his thighs were sore, he stank from the sweating the suit caused and to cap it all off he desperately needed the bathroom.

"I think you're right," Goku responded. "Better give the king back his crown then and we can be on our way."

Barney's head jerked up. The crown? "No."


"I said, no."

"But it's not your crown, Barney, it's Old King Cole's."

"Not any more. Finally I have claimed my rightful place as king of the Saiya-jin race, just as I was born to do. You will all bow down before me and show me the respect I so rightfully deserve."

"All you've claimed is a dented scrap of tin that passes for a crown because this kingdom is so low in its economy that we can't afford a proper one," Old King Cole snickered.

Barney turned his silly eyes and even sillier grin towards the king. "I beg your pardon?"

The king sighed and placed his napkin on the table before looking Barney square in the eye. "This kingdom is at its lowest point, the trade has pretty much dried up to a trickle, the neighboring kingdoms don't want to trade with us as we only come to life every now and then, the politicians that oversee the running of the economy saw what was happening and couldn't find an alternative; so rather than hang around just to come to life when someone's imagination decided it wanted to visit us, they packed up shop and shifted. The last I heard they were living it up on Sesame Street." The king paused for a moment. "So, without a steady economic growth, trade and money exchange I'm afraid the kingdom has ground to a halt. Without the trade our people can't work, they can't work so things grind to a halt, the unemployment rate is sky-high, not to mention that crime is beginning to escalate; trying to feed all these people is a mammoth task in itself."

"What?" Barney looked a little confused.

"If you think I'm repeating all that then you have another thing coming, I can't even remember what I said," the king answered.

"What he means is that the kingdom is fu- stuffed," Derek supplied helpfully.

"Yes, that's precisely what I mean, so by all means, Barney, have the crown and take over the running of the kingdom."

Vegeta removed the crown from his head and tossed it at the king. "Being a prince to one loser is bad enough," he began with a pointed look in Goku's direction, "But having a kingdom full of them... no thanks."

Old King Cole's face fell. "Damn! I thought I had finally managed to off load this mill stone. Oh well." He shrugged his shoulders, "Looks like I'm stuck with it."

"Let's get going," Barney muttered and stood up. "How the heck do we get back?"

"I thought you would know that Barney, seeing as how you seem to know everything," Derek snipped.

Barney opened his mouth but instead of a retort coming out a small jet of fire did.

"Nice tan, Derek," Twinkle said.

"Hey, I thought only dragons breathed fire?" Tina stated as she looked at the dino, hands on her hips as she challenged him.

"This is my imagination so I can do what I want," Barney snickered.

Tina backed off a little.

"If you go through one of these doors here it should take you back to the sand pit," the king supplied as he pointed to three doors set in the wall.

"Thanks, Kingy, it was nice to see you again," Goku said as he shook hands with the king. Releasing the hand, Goku stepped up to the door marked 1, opened it and disappeared through. Moments later he was back. "Errr... wrong door. That one leads to Cuddles lane."

"I am not going there," Barney growled. Memories of yellow heads, stripey pajamas and fluffy bears invaded his head.

"I'll try door number 2," Goku disappeared again. This time it was a little longer before he returned and when he did his eyes were unfocused and glassy, the smell of smoke rolled off him and he tottered a bit.

"What the?" Twinkle frowned.

"Hey man, it's not door number 2. That one leads to Bill and Ben," Goku slurred.

"Bill and Ben?" Tina questioned.

"Yeah, Bill and Ben, the Flowerpot men. You know the ones who live at the bottom of the garden?"

"The ones that have the weed, Kakarott?" Barney shook his head.

"Oh yeah." Goku slipped to the floor. "Man, what a trip."

Derek snickered. "I guess it must be door number 3 then." He strolled over to said door and opened it, the sand pit appeared on the other side. "Come on everyone, this is the right door."

"Bye everyone," Tina said and hugged Twinkle and the king.

"Bye. Make sure to drop by again soon," Twinkle replied and hugged Tina back.

"Ditto," said Old King Cole.

Twinkle went to hug Barney, but then thought better of it. "See you again soon, Barney."

"Not likely." Barney stepped up to the prone form of Goku and nudged him with his foot. "Get up weed killer, it's time to go back to the real world."

Goku grunted and dragged himself upright. "It's been great seeing you all again. Man that was some strong stuff." He rubbed his head, "Didn't know I had that much of a vivd imagination."

Barney gave him a quizzical look. "Just what was going on inside that empty space of a head of yours?" Goku went to open his mouth when Vegeta interrupted him. "On second thoughts, I don't want to know." He shoved Goku towards the door.

The two children, Barney and a staggering Goku stepped through the door and into the sand pit.

"Well, that was certainly an interesting trip," Tina said as she flopped onto the grass.

"You can say that again," replied Goku as he swayed a little, eyes still glassy.

"Looks like it's time for you to return to your usual state, Barney," Derek snickered. "Stuffed."

Barney whirled around, sending Goku flying with his tail. "One more wise crack out of you and this dino won't be the only one who's stuffed."

Goku picked himself up off the grass. "Now, now children, why don't we just sing the song and finish this little fiasco?"

"Good idea," Tina responded. "I'm tired and they don't pay me enough for this."

"I don't sing."

"I know you don't sing all that well, but just this once, Vegeta, then we can all go home," Goku whined.

"Oh all right, let's get on with the stupid song so I can get out of this suit, I've got a rash from rear end to breakfast," Barney grumbled.

The music struck up and the four looked at each other before Barney started to sing... well what passed as singing, it was more like a monologue of sorts.

"I love you," The dino blanched. "That's wrong for a start, I don't love any of you."

Goku rolled his eyes. "Just sing the damn song, Barney!"

"Fine!" Barney tried to fold his arms and huff. It didn't work. Giving up and wanting nothing more than to end this torture he relented and sang the song... "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family..." Barney grimaced which looked pretty comical given the silly grin still affixed firmly to the purple head of the costume.

"With a great big hug and kiss from me to you... Oh give me strength, yuk! Won't you say you love me too?"

"No way am I saying I love that hunk of poncy purple," Derek growled.

"Feeling's mutual, snot boy."

"You're nothing but an over sized goanna."

"Come here and say that, pea brain."


"Mummy's boy."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Baby Bop lover."

"Arrrgggghhhhh!" Barney launched himself at Derek and the pair shot out of the garden, Vegeta's speed hampered by the uncooperative legs of the suit and the heat rash.

Tina and Goku looked blankly at each other before Goku shrugged his shoulders and took Tina's hand. "Guess we may as well finish the song, Tina."

They struck up a harmony... "I love you, you love me, we're friends as friends should be..."

"Come back here wimp!"



"With a great big hug and kiss from me to you..."

"I dare you to say that to my face you reject from toddlerhood!"

"Won't you say you love me too?"


Goku and Tina stared at the sprawled purple dino, Derek was nowhere to be seen.

"I guess asking you to join me in doing the TeleTubbies is out of the question then Vegeta?"

A howl of anger was Goku's reply.

~ Fin ~