~firefly~

i wish you could see
i wish you could see
i'm in pain tonight
and i want to fight
the demons that have come in
to posess my soul
like a firefly
i flicker
like a candle
i burn
and still you cannot see
you cannot see me
i wish you could
i wish you would
i need you tonight


The rain pelts the hotel window with a ferocious velocity I've never seen before. I sigh, and sip my tea, as the persistant pounding knocks on the glass, like a demon fighting to cross the boundary of my battered soul.

I came to Chicago two days ago. And I have yet to leave my room. Everything changed so quickly. Everything ended so abruptly. Her decision was final, and her eyes revealed nothing. I hurt, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. She changed her mind, and walked away, and left me with nothing.

And so here I am. Watching the rain fall, wondering when it will stop, secretly hoping it never would.

The rain hides my pain, better than any liquor, better than any sharp, steely knife.

I am going to fight the darkness, because I believe that she is better off without me. That she will be happier, and that she did what was best for her. I cannot give her what she needs. And she knows that, so she let me go.

But I know too, that I am not better off without her. It will haunt me, for the rest of my life, the images of her happy with him. I love her, I need her, and still I sit, alone, and hurting, wondering how I got here, and why, on this stormy night in Chicago, I think of only her, and the light that is fading, flickering away, inside my heart.


***

The stars shine bright over the city, but inside, I am dying. My eyes do not see the sparkle of the diamonds that blanket the black night, they see only darkness.

I told him that I didn't love him, that I was choosing another. It's not true. I love him, more than anything in the world. I'd die for him, I really would. That's why I did what I did. I had no idea how bad it could get, until it had spun out of control. He never knew, none of them did. But my problems escalated, and soon, grown out of control. His life is in danger, if he stays with me. I knew that the truth would make him stay, and fight for me. So I told a lie, and drove him away.

Because I love him.