AN: Takes place Season 2, after Innocence. Don't own the characters, ideas, or story, just this specific bit of emotional angst.
Wow. So that was it. That's how my big love story ended. Instead of kissing a frog and it turning into a prince, I kiss a frog and it turns into an evil serial killing demon. I should have known this is where my life would have gone. All the signs were right there and I just blew right past 'em. I believed in Angel. I believed in something safe, and good. I believed I deserved something good, something better than the hand I'd been dealt.
It was so perfect. I had never felt more ready, more beautiful, more desired. He was so gentle. I felt bad that I didn't look into his eyes the first time, but I was so overwhelmed with him inside me, above me, his arms wrapping around me and pulling me up towards him. I couldn't keep my eyes open. But after he finished, and to be honest, I wasn't entirely sure when that was, or I didn't exactly notice, he carefully rolled off me and then lay on his side, looking at me. And then I looked into his eyes, and they had never been darker, deeper, more mysterious and more unfathomable, and yet never more loving. I could see myself, how I looked right then, in his eyes. And I was a goddess in his eyes and for a second, I saw myself that way. He lazily ran his fingers up and down my sides, down my sternum, over my belly. It was amazing how natural, how comfortable that felt, to be completely naked lying beside him. It felt as if it were the hundredth time we'd lain like this, rather than the first.
I'm forcing myself to remember these things because these things were, ARE, real. Angel still exists somehow, somewhere. I have to believe that Angel died, and his soul, like the souls of the dead, is lost right now, but that I will see it, and know it, again. I have to believe that Angelus is not in any way my Angel. That I did not sleep with a monster. That I didn't lose my virginity and go to sleep with a monster, even though I woke up next to one (metaphorically speaking, since technically Angel-I mean Angelus, God I have to get that through my head!-was gone when I woke up).
It's funny how I'd always imagined all kinds of things about the first time I'd have sex. I don't mean I sat around thinking or wondering about it, but every so often, you wonder, the who, the where, the why, the how, THE WHEN. And again THE WHO. And of course, vampire, vampire's apartment, because we're probably going to die tomorrow, out of total love, January 19, 1998 was not exactly what I'd imagined.
But for all this imagining about the night, I'd never thought about the morning. I'd never thought about waking up next to him, whether it would be my place or his, whether I'd spend the night, would it be fast and quick somewhere like a car where we'd just go our separate ways, whether we'd get mochas in the morning, etc. Everything about my 17th birthday with Angel was everything I'd ever imagined plus so much more (the vampire part being especially in the 'more' category). And while I'd never imagined the morning or the next day, this morning, and today, and now tonight, have been the worst of my life.
If you haven't lived it I don't think you can imagine the kind of horror when the realization sets in. That someone you loved so profoundly is so completely not what you had thought. When something so perfect, so real, becomes so incredibly wrong. You feel poisoned inside. Hearing Angel say those words, and touch me like that, and seeing his eyes, his all-wrong eyes, you feel sick knowing that he was inside you, his flesh, his fluid, his SOUL. You want to run but you can't run because the sickness, the wrongness is inside of you, you yourself are poisoned. You feel dirty on the inside and no running will fix that because you can't run from your own body, and the wrong, the evil, is inside of you now, not just him.
Things will never be the same again. Not just because Angel, my Angel, is gone. But because a part of me is gone too. In English class we were talking about coming of age novels, and the progression of innocence to experience. I don't think I will ever understand what has happened to me. I don't think I will ever recover from this loss, from this betrayal, from this abandonment. I have never felt so alone. Because the one person I want to run to, my Angel, is the one I have to run from.