This is a story/script/thingy in honour and celebration of all Merlin fics.

I do not own the characters :D and believe me they wouldn't want me to.

I promised to post this after reading Jim the magnificent, 4 months ago, sorry for the long wait.

I only uploaded it now because I had difficulty linking some parts together and I included a shiny new epilogue.

Good news: this fic seems to have become even more appropriate.

Please review :)


Frik strode across the room. Carefully observing the chatterish women on the screen in front of him.

He slowly took his pipe from his mouth and frowned.

"You might be wondering why I called all of you here tonight."

He turned towards the audience. His Sherlock Holmes hat balancing wobbly on his head.

"Free ale and biscuits?" a Saxon warrior suggested.

The brave gnome carried on as if no one had answered. "By now everyone will have noticed: these young ladies" He paused briefly from pacing as he made a sweeping gesture with his arm towards to the screen. "do not seem to agree with our actions taken in the film."

Soft murmurs arose from the public.

"As I pointed out to master Merlin, he choose to modify certain parts of the story.

Now these ladies, humans so called fans, seem to make it their goal in life to construct and explore every single possible and impossible scenario of what might have or not have happened..." Frik's voice trailed off. He had gotten tangled in his own words.

Morgan's frown deepened.

Mordred sighed. "Yes, it is very confusing mother." He ferociously bit an unsuspecting apple and gave a quick wink to Queen Mab, whose cheeks glittered in amusement.

"This has gone on for many years now. The film itself has been around for over a decade.

Still fan fiction will not leave us alone. Some of us have become rather fed up with it."

"I do not see a problem." Mab stated.

Merlin: "Of course you wouldn't! These misguided modern girls are keeping you alive."

The noise of angry voices increased.

"My lords!" Merlin cried in a voice of authority, silencing the others when he hit his cane to the floor.

There were some high pinches coughs to be heard. "Ladies" he said, respectfully inclining his head "and other most honoured beings."

He looked more friendly now that he had everyone's attention.

"Master Frik, please continue."

"Yes, well…yes " Frik stammered, wiping his sweaty hands on his robes. "Thank you, master Merlin." He had become very nervous having seen that some of the warriors had already unsheathed their weapons.

"As I was saying… what was I saying?" he mumbled.

Mordred: "That all of us here would not be discussed half as much if it wasn't for Queen Mab."

Frik: "Yes, that was right."

Mordred turned to Merlin. "Face it impressive wizard, you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her."

Morgan rolled her eyes. "Of course not, she's his mother"

"Mother." Mordred grunted.


"Keep out of this.

The true reason you get as much attention in fanfiction is because of Mab's popularity and need of an opponent."

"Mordred," Mab hissed. "you're not helping, sweetie."

Pointing out that their appearance in fan fiction, of which they wanted to get rid, only existed because of queen Mab might indeed not have been the best idea.

Mab taking a new turn on things: "Merlin as a storyteller, tell me, who does not like people inventing thrilling stories about them? Why did you tell stories about your noble king Arthur if not to express a fondness of the characters."

Merlin: "I have told our story a million times. I know every finesse of telling and reliving all that I remember."

Mab: "Tsk tsk look here dear Merlin, if there is anyone who fails to understand me it's you.

Imagination is a powerful weapon. It is a pity you have so little."

Frik: "We won't have any of that here. You had plenty of time to quarrel in the film."

Mab glared: "I will not be told what to do by a gnome.

If the humans chose to make their own versions of our story, let them. Surely stories can not hurt us." A sly smile appeared on her face, indicating that she herself believed the exact opposite of what she had just said.

Nimue driven by shame and disgrace could not keep silent any longer: "I mind! Either they hate me or they don't get me and paint me as someone I am not. "

"That is because you are rather dull." Mordred snickered.

"They show no respect for true love and happily ever after. No respect for anyone or anything! They should keep our feelings into account."

Morgan: "Playing the victim weally doesn't become you. Why do you act as if you are some innocent, impwisoned maiden?"

Frik: "Only you are entitled to play that part in our film, my love." He kissed her hand.

Morgan gave Frik her sweetest smug expression in approval, drawing him closer.

Mordred thought he was going to be sick seeing them together again.

Merlin: "Frik, I believe you were supposed to be impartial. As this meeting's moderator."

"Why yes master Merlin, I have vowed to be impartial," Frik got back to his feet. "by standards of the film, set by the Lady of the Lake.

Mab's face darkened, she could see where this discussion was going. To an angry crowd shouting at her.

Mab: "Frik, in our film right and wrong don't really seem to matter as long as it's in Merlin's favour."

Arthur and Merlin: "That is not true! "

Merlin: "I care a great deal about ethics."

She twirled a lock of hair around her fingers: "Yet some representations given in the film are highly illogical. Painting a fight for survival as evil and one for revenge good."

Mordred jumped up: "How true auntie. Why Merlin gets all the glory!"

Frik softly: "Temper, Mordred."

Mab: "Yes, stay calm now. I will tell you when."

Frik: "Do you want to talk about poetic justice?"

Vortigern: "About what?"

Mab:" It is very plausible that many of these fics were written because the fans detect a sense of injustice towards certain characters."

Merlin: "I do not see why they would want to change the story. It is a standard fantasy plot- true love, dark powers, monsters and all that-. In the end good triumphs over evil."

A voice from the back of the room: "What good? What justice?" There were many bewildered faces looking around to see who spoke. "Merlin cheated to get his happily ever after. You used magic for it when you had already killed its mistress."

"What about us?" Arthur cried from the other side of the room. Everyone now looked at him. He stepped up to the screen.

"We, knights, are supposed to be the most important characters." Morgan sighed. "Yet I appear a weak king, hardly worth any psychological depth."

Sir Lancelot: "This is true, my lord. Many of us have been completely ignored."

Arthur: "Don't get me started on you! Our chivalric ideals were wasted on you. You took my wife from me."

All knights of Round Table started shouting and discussing amongst each other.

Vortigern rose from his seat. He put his hands on the hilt of his sword.

His stature silenced the younger, more squeamish knights.

Vortigern: "You are and always will be most uninteresting characters in our story. Real warriors would not be pleading for some respect as you do. We take control of the story!

I do not see why you have bothered coming to this meeting in the first place." He arched an eyebrow. "You have little to no role in the fan fics either.

If you continue to interrupt this meeting with empty questions, we " he gestured towards his army "will force you to leave."

Ambrosia: "And take your ridiculously large table with you."

"Aha!" Frik said, delighted to find a chance to speak. "Good, good. Now we are getting somewhere."

Vortigern tilted his head towards the puny excited gnome, his eyes moved to look on Mab.

"Servants." she whispered at his questioning gaze.

He nodded in agreement and stumped Frik in the stomach for being annoying.

Frik soon recovered: "Most of us are tired of being called back from the dead. Most of us have given up on counting how many times we have died and reappeared." he declared, reclaiming control of the situation and some dignity.

Merlin nodded feverishly.

Frik: "The lady Nimue made an excellent point: fan fiction meddles too much in our private affairs."

Mordred: "And the film does not? Excuse my boldness, lords and ladies, but I remember some rather explicit scenes."

Merlin: "Hush, Mordred most of those occurred before you were born."

Frik retook his speech: "Especially Queen Mab seems to be suffering from a lack of clothes in most fics. Not that she seems very troubled by this… "

Morgan only now looked at Mab, vague recognition appeared on her face "Hey… you killed me."

Mab shrugged, not wanting to waste time on her.

Morgan looked back at her beloved Frik. Hoping he would be able to bring this meeting to a good end. His presence was enough to make her forget about her own tragic fate.

Nimue, proud but with tears in her eyes. "Something must be done about these horrifying fanfictions.

Merlin: "We should vote."

Arthur carefully: "Might I just point out that I am king."

Mab snapped at him: "I am a faerie goddess, my vote is worth more than that of petty humans."

Frik: "We can't afford giving anyone a veto."

Mab: "Oh now I am afraid you can't afford losing your ears and tongue either."

Merlin: "It's no use threatening here! We remain as we are in the film."

Mab grinned at Frik: "Weak and powerless."

Frik's smile widened to cheshire proportions: "Dead."

Mordred jumped up from his seat again. "I will avenge you, auntie!"

Mab in a soothing voice: "You can avenge me on that insolent gnome when he is done making a fool of himself with this little show.

I may be forgotten at the end, but I am still here. None of you can change that."

Silence returned as people started to feel uncomfortable.

The most interesting event now was taking place at the table of the ladies Guinevere, Elissa, Elaine and Igraine.

They were discussing hair decorations and treatments of different fabrics.

Amongst them were sitting: Vortigern's soothsayer, two architects and father abbot. They were listening to these women, truly fascinated by what they had to say, and eating all the biscuits.

Nimue was moving her chair towards them, in the vain hope to get a biscuit without Merlin noticing that she was leaving him.