Ways To Wash A Window

Some ways I imagined Team Mustang slacking off.


A/N: Fullmetal Alchemist..MINE! Okay not really. But I can dream..

Colonel Roy Mustang

Tap. Tap. Taptaptap. Tap. Tap. Taptaptap. Tap. Tap. Taptaptap. Tap. Tap. Taptaptap. Tap. Tap-

"OH MY GATE! MAKE IT STOP!" Colonel Mustang ripped the pen from Hawkeye's hands and chunked it out the window, but not before setting it ablaze. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"

Riza smirked devilishly. Dumping a stack of paperwork on his desk that would put the Sears Tower to shame, she commanded, "Finish it by noon. Not. A. Minute. Later." With that, she stormed out of the room. She didn't even have to bother with explaining the punishment for tardiness.

Roy's imagination filled in the words left unsaid, causing a rather unmanly shriek to tumble from his lips.

"Well, best get started, then," Mustang huffed, annoyed. Sure, give him a rival army, he'd torch em up before you could say snickerdoodle. But PAPERWORK, on the other hand...

Roy pulled the first paper from the mammoth pile, albeit grudgingly. The paper got read, followed by a few "What does this have to do with ME!" "Whyyyyyyyyyy Gate, Whyyyyy?" And some hairloss..nevertheless the document was read and Roy reached for his pen to sign it. When his hand didn't meet plastic, he looked up, only to stop himself.


He bent forward, rummaging through his desk to find another writing utensil. Victorious, he rose up, a lopsided grin adorning his face, until he noticed something.

There was a singe mark.

On his window.

His miraculously, cleaned, shining to perfection window.

A little angry mark burrowed itself in the Colonel's shining black hair as he assessed the situation. He belived himself to have three options in this time of crisis.

1)- Curl up in the corner and cry.

2)- Be a little less than insane for a while and return to his paperwork.

3)- Go beserk and clean his window, no matter the cost.

Contemplating his list, Roy paced back in forth in front of the monstriosity in question. Slowly, a smile crept its way onto the Colonel's face. Yes...

Suddenly he ran from his office, returning only to kick down his wooden door revealing his outfit. He appearantly donned Viking armor, his weapons of choice being a bottle of WOW! ITS WINDOW CLEANER! And a very..very..VERY evil looking toaster.

Because toasters, they just want to burn the world..

Laughing maniacally, Roy pulled a piece of toasted bread from the bread slot on his mental toaster and ate it in a mousy fashion. Tossing aforementioned toaster out into the hallway, He screamed,



"Ow.." Roy rubbed his head where it had made contact with the window. He had used all of his awesometastic Viking powers and the little mark STILL stood proudly, mocking Roy Mustang and everything the man stood for.

He glared at the spot on his window. "You. Will. Pay," he growled menancingly before retreating to the hallway again.

*Moments later...*

Roy returned with a Pokemon card in hand.

"SQUIRTLE, I. CHOOSE. YOU!" He screamed, chunking the card at the spot on his window. Unfortuneatly, no epic Pokemon sprang from the card and cleaned the offensive mark off the window.

*Take Three*

Throwing a cat at the window made matters worse when it bounced back and scratched the Colonel in the place where the sun don't shine.

*Take Four*

Don't EVER, and I mean EVER, throw Havoc at anything. He doesn't fly far.

*Take We Lost Count After 5,678*

Mustang banged his head onto the spot, weeping.

"Why." Donk.

"Won't." Donk.

"You." Donk.

"Come." Donk.


Resorting to option one, Roy curled up into a tiny ball and screamed his worries to a bookshelf.


Havoc watched his superior writhe in the corner, his look a mix of "Oh hell, what's teh number for the men in the white coats" to "Hey he might give me some money or a cig if I hang around..."

Suddenly, a very loud gunshot echoed through the room, taking Havoc's hair along with it. See, Hawkeye intended to shoot the door down, but Roy kinda took care of the door issue with his whole Viking thing..

Riza set her scope on Havoc. "Where the hell is Mustang?" She hissed at him, her eyes begging him to contradict her.

"O-over in the corner," Havoc said through a sob. MY HAIR! MY LUSHIOUS LOCKS! I'LL NEVER GET A GIRL NOWW...

Hawkeye waltzed over to Mustang, ignoring his stance or the tears that streamed down his face as he yelled something about "MINISKIRTS, ONLY MINISKIRTS FOR ME!"

Crouching down so she could be face to face with the Colonel, Hawkeye growled, "You. Didn't. Do. Your. Paperwork."

Edward and Alphonse slowly made their way down the abandoned hallway, destination Colonel Crazysauce's office, report written and in hand.

Suddenly, Ed felt this huge breeze slam him against the wall next to Alphonse. He opened his eyes to see..

"I'M SORRY RIZA! IM SORRY! PLEASE PUT OUT THE FIRE ON MY ASS!" Roy screamed as he flailed, running full speed ahead and dodging bullets.

"NOT A CHANCE!" Hawkeye snarled, grazing his neck expertly with an unsigned document, leaving a rather nasty papercut. "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T LISTEN TO WOMEN!"

Edward blinked.

"Brother...? What was..?"

"Don't ask Alphonse, don't even ask."

Yay for crack fic! Chapter Two was sposed to be written tonight but dear Gate I am tired. So yes. Cheese.