A/N: I've made a new resolution to write at least one fanfic for every one of my favorite fandoms. I decided KHR would get hit with my parody fic, mostly because this archive is starting to get bombarded with Sue-fic. (Have any of you seen what has become of the Yu Yu Hakusho archive? It's practically a cesspit of Sues! I don't want to lose KHR too, dammit!) Usually there'd be several dozen of these kinds of parodies in any given archive, but KHR seems to be a bit new; I've only seen one other. Obviously you guys need more love in the Sue-Bashing arena.
Warnings: It's a parody. If you take it seriously, get a life.
Disclamer: I don't own Katekyo Hitman Reborn. I'm not even sure I own Tsunako, really; she's like everything horribly cliche personified. Also, much is derived from the website TvTropes.
"Insert emotional/nonsensical song lyrics here that have little to do with anything in this story."
Sawada Tsunayoshi was many things: dame-Tsuna, the poor boy who couldn't do anything right; Vongola Decimo, heir to the Vongola crime family; constant victim to nearly all of his Guardians; possibly the only sane man left in Namimori...and Japan...and possibly the world. He's also the only child of Sawada Iemitsu and Nana - a fact he had been dead certain of.
Which was why the current situation was incomprehensible.
"What's wrong, Tsuna-nii-chan?"
Tsuna flinched involuntarily, Hyper Intuition flaring to life with a war cry. Eyes tried to avoid the searching gaze of the person sitting at his dining room table, the person's golden irises roving up and down his form in concern. Soft, slightly-wavy golden-brown hair flew down to a slim waist, framing the delicate features of milky-white skin and full pink lips. She was wearing Namimori Middle School's girl's uniform, with a few...additions. Like fishnet tights and finger-less gloves. Overall, she looked like a schoolgirl with horrendously bad fashion taste.
"Who are you?" Tsuna asked warily. This, in his mind, was a very fair question; he had enough strange people living at his house that seeing another one pop up wasn't as surprising as it really should have been.
The girl blinked up at him, and for a moment, Tsuna could see a universe shattering in that gaze as she demurely looked down at the table. Tsuna took a step back on instinct.
"What are you talking about, Tsu-kun?" his mother asked from where she was washing up dishes. "She's your little sister, Tsunako!"
"Dame-Tsuna, don't you recognize your own family members?" Reborn scoffed from his place at the table. This startled Tsuna, as mere seconds before, no one had been there. Tsuna couldn't repress a little shriek of terror at the sight of his home tutor - as an adult.
"Reborn! What happened?"
The hitman merely tipped his fedora down, shadowing his eyes as he gave a predatory smirk. "Well, the author couldn't have a baby in her OC's harem, now could she?"
"Reborn-sensei was my first lover," Tsunako explained, seemingly moving on from her moment of angst. "We first met when we had the same hit, before he became an Arcobaleno."
"But - what?"
"Time-travel, dame-Tsuna," Reborn reminded waspishly, "Duh."
Tsuna could only gape in response. Adult!Reborn didn't seem to care, sipping at his coffee while occasionally giving Tsunako a very intense stare. Tsunako stood up gracefully - because despite being Tsuna's sister, they were complete opposites in everything and she was obviously completely flawless - and gave her mom a quick peck on the cheek.
"Come on, Tsuna-nii-chan, we're going to be late!" the girl pointed out cheerfully, grabbing her still-dumbfound brother's arm and dragging him out the door, picking up their backpacks on the way.
It didn't even occur to Tsuna that he hadn't seen Lambo, I-pin, or Bianchi at all until they got to the school gates. He was going to ask about their whereabouts, but upon remembering that he was going to ask his supposed long-lost sister who had an adult Reborn in her...harem...he decided silence was the best way to go. He also wanted to put some distance between him and the girl but the vice-like grip she was keeping on his arm prevented him from doing just that.
"Oh, and guess what, Tsuna-nii-chan! I'm in your class! I skipped a grade because I'm so smart!" Tsunako said with a wide grin, looking back at her brother with bright eyes. Tsuna's attention was still very much concentrated on freeing himself from her grip, so he made no reply - though that didn't seem to deter the girl at all. "And I can't wait to meet the rest of the Guardians!"
"You know about that?" Tsuna shrieked. Tsunako cast him a look with definite feelings of 'of course I do, you daft idiot!' and 'what am I going to do with you, my silly big brother?' Needless to say, Tsuna felt cold shivers run down his spine as her golden eyes - how the hell were they related? - began to swirl into a mesh of different colors.
"Well, it only makes sense that I know, Tsuna-nii-chan," Tsunako said impishly. "Since I'm your Shadow Guardian!"
Tsuna didn't even want to ask. In fact, he decided to go back to his task of trying to free himself from her grip with renewed vigor - the more distance he could put between them, the better. From the way Reborn had been acting, it was clear the insanity was contagious.
Like my life isn't insane enough! Tsuna cried mentally.
"Herbivores," a familiar voice growled. "You are blocking the school gates. Move, or I will bite you to death."
Tsuna couldn't decide whether he should be terrified or relieved. There was something oddly comforting in the solidarity of Hibari's insatiable lust for violence - and ohgod, he was starting to regard Hibari's Reign of Terror as sane! He really was desperate!
"Hibari-san!" Tsuna managed out of a dry throat, trying to convey with nothing but his eyes that the girl attached to him was obviously Not Of Namimori and that she should be Taken Care Of. Preferably Hibari would also take care of Adult!Reborn, because honestly, Tsuna really didn't have it in him for his tutor's out-of-character romanticism.
"Oh! It's Kyou-chan!" Tsunako gasped in pleasant surprise, releasing Tsuna and pivoting to attach herself to the arm of one of the most dangerous - if not the most dangerous (Mukuro and Reborn are damn terrifying too!) - men in Namimori. Tsuna was witness to Hibari staring at the girl as realization finally dawned in dark eyes.
"Tsunako-chan?" Hibari asked, apparently taken off guard.
Tsunako giggled, nodding her head as she cuddled the prefect's arm. "That's right, Kyou-chan~! I was finally freed from Vendicare!"
Tsuna was struck speechless as Hibari enveloped the girl in his arms with a bright smile. His mind had automatically blanked out in defense mode, but apparently that wasn't enough as it kicked back into gear when Hibari stuttered out something like "I've missed you, omnivore," while blushing a light pink.
Tsuna backed away, wondering if he could run fast enough and just forget this ever happened. In fact, he was currently trying to mind-bleach himself just to destroy the disturbing mental image of Hibari smiling and blushing.
"I still remember my last night in Namimori, Kyou-chan. You...you made it special," Tsunako said, and on cue dreamy little bubbles and sparkles flew around the two. Hibari held her closer, a loving look on his face as he gazed into Tsunako's aquamarine eyes.
There will never be enough mind bleach, Tsuna cried, still backing away.
"Eh? Where are you going, Tsuna-nii-chan? We have to walk to homeroom together!" Tsunako pointed out brightly. She tiptoed to place a chaste kiss on Hibari's cheek - the prefect going a darker shade of red in response - before twirling back to Tsuna's side to reclaim his arm. Tsuna couldn't say anything as he was literally dragged away, not that he had anything to say; his mind had decided 'static' was the best setting right now, purely out of fear.
"See you later, Kyou-chan~!" Tsunako called back.
Tsuna let himself be dragged - mostly because he was trying to will himself into unconsciousness - through the school corridors, blocking out the startled-turned-adoring looks as his peers caught sight of his 'sister'. Whispers sprang up, peppered with both infatuation and envy as eyes roved up and down Tsunako's slender, curves-in-all-the-right-places form, took in her blemish-less face, her large, color-changing eyes, her trendy, cut-throat style!
"I don't remember the classroom being this far," Tsuna noted brokenly.
They did manage to reach their classroom with minimum difficulty, despite the girls glaring at Tsunako with atypical jealousy as the boys practically salivated themselves at the sight of her. Tsuna regained his footing so he could at least walk into the classroom under his own power, though it didn't deter Tsunako from reattaching herself to his arm.
"Tenth! Good morning!" Gokudera shouted, jumping to his feet and rushing to his beloved boss without pause. "I apologize for not walking you to school today, I ran into my sister this morning and-" the dynamite-lover abruptly cut off as he finally noticed what was attached to the brunette.
"Who the hell are you?" Gokudera demanded at once, fury sweeping over his visage. "And how dare you touch the Tenth so casually!"
"Well, how rude!" Tsunako snapped, affronted. "I'm his little sister! And I guess you're supposed to be Tsuna-nii-chan's Storm Guardian and right-hand man? You aren't a very good one, if you didn't even know about me..."
"L-Little sister?" Gokudera echoed, paling rapidly.
"No she's not!" Tsuna fervently denied. "I don't know who she is, but ever since she appeared everyone's been acting so weird-"
"Forgive me!" Gokudera interrupted, throwing himself to the floor in apology. "I had no idea! I really am a rotten right-hand man!"
"No, wait, Gokudera-kun-" Tsuna started before being abruptly cut off again.
"Don't say that, Hayato-kun!" Tsunako cried, tears welling up in her expressive violet eyes. "It's not your fault! Of course you don't know me! I've been in secret, intense training since I was barely two years old! As Tsuna-nii-chan's Shadow Guardian, I was kept hidden by the Ninth so that I could become the ultimate assassin!"
"Why does your background story keep changing?" Tsuna snapped.
As usual, he was ignored. "But I just wanted to be a normal girl! I wanted to have friends, I wanted to spend time with my family, I wanted to go to school and karaoke bars and paint my nails! But instead I had to catch my own food with my bare hands, and sleep in the snow with nothing but a thin blanket to keep me warm!" Tsunako threw herself into Gokudera's arms, sobbing hysterically. The boy held her gently, whispering sweet comforts into her ear as tears ran down his face in compassion.
Tsuna felt like crying too, but for a completely different reason, "Can class just start now?"
"Hi Tsuna! Hi Gokudera!"
Tsuna stared past the sobbing duo to lock eyes with Yamamoto, who had stepped in with his usual smile. Is Yamamoto going to start acting weird too? Tsuna wondered, keeping a cautious eye on the baseball player as he gave him a hesitant greeting.
"What happened?" Yamamoto asked, stepping around the now-sniffling pair to be at Tsuna's left. He just looked pleasantly confused by what was going on, as if finding all of the girls in the class glaring like stilted harpies and the guys suffering from blood loss due to constant nosebleeds, with a weeping Gokudera caught up in a girl's arms, was completely normal.
So, all in all, typical Yamamoto.
"I don't know," Tsuna replied hollowly. "I woke up to her in my house. She claims she's my sister, and mom said she was - but I know she's not! - and Reborn was an adult, and Hibari-san was blushing, and now Gokudera-kun is crying all over her, and she keeps changing her background story - I don't know what's going on!" he finished on a slightly more hysterical note.
"So who is she?" Yamamoto asked, still watching amicably as Gokudera and Tsunako separated, eyes slightly puffy and red but both looking overall pleased.
"She said her name is Tsunako," Tsuna answered.
Yamamoto's eyes suddenly went misty.
"It sounds to me as if she is a version of you, created for the sole purpose of pulling others into her web to either be romanced by them or so that they can feel sorry for her, as made obvious by her Tragic Past," Yamamoto deduced airily.
Tsuna was now staring at him, eyes ripped away from the sparkling pair still holding hands.
"Of course, she will have none of your flaws, as they are unattractive - leaving her as an empty shell, the embodiment of Physical Perfection but lacking any true character depth. Her only flaws will be her temper and her stubbornness, though these supposed 'flaws' will never hurt her in the long run. Her beauty is so great that it will be seen as a Curse for her, and her Kaleidoscope Eyes are obviously meant to show her emotions as they are,"
"Er," Tsuna cast a look at the girl. Sure enough - her eyes had once again changed. Emerald, this time.
"Our previously-established personalities change for her; that's why Hibari is acting like a schoolgirl and Reborn keeps giving her moony eyes. Gokudera is already changing. She appears to be a mix of several Types, such as Black Hole, Copy Cat, Relationship, Sympathetic, and Fixer Su-"
"What are you two talking about?" Tsunako interrupted cheerfully.
Yamamoto blinked, giving the girl a clueless smile. "Huh?"
Tsuna was too horrified to speak.
"Hayato-kun will be a great right-hand man for you, Tsuna-nii-chan!" Tsunako stated, giving the blushing bomber a wide smile. Gokudera stuttered out a "Thank you!" while shyly refusing to meet the girl's eyes.
"Wish Fulfillment," Yamamoto said, eyes once again glazing over.
"What?" Tsunako blinked.
"Nothing!" Tsuna cried, stomping on his friend's foot to snap him out of it. The baseball player came back to himself with nothing more than a confused smile.
The quartet were hushed (in other terms, Tsuna and Yamamoto were saved from Tsunako's curious stare) when their homeroom teacher entered. "Alright, everyone, sit down! I need to introduce a new student! She just returned from her study abroad in the United States."
Tsunako seemingly materialized at the front of the class, smiling brightly at her peers. Kyoko and Hana stared at her in polite confusion, whereas all the other girls practically had fire spitting from their eyes.
"Hey baby, what's your number?"
"Don't talk to the Tenth's sister like that, I'll kill you!" Gokudera snapped, dynamite in hand.
Tsunako ignored the ruckus with grace. "Konnichiwa! I am the super-kawaii Sawada Tsunako, Tsuna-nii-chan's imouto! Anou... Everyone ga suki desu! Honto! Dozo yoroshiku!"
Tsuna stared at her, lost. "Was...was that supposed to be Japanese?"
"Fanpanese," Yamamoto corrected, eyes blank.
"Stop doing that! She'll start to notice!"
Lunch couldn't have come sooner. Tsuna had practically attached himself as another limb to Yamamoto, pulling the taller boy out of the classroom before either Tsunako or Gokudera could deign to look in their direction. (Which was fine, as Tsunako had apparently made lunch plans with "Kyou-chan" and Gokudera was too busy tailing her like a lovesick puppy to notice their departure.) The roof seemed to be the safest place to go, as it had become their unofficial hangout spot.
Naturally, Tsuna had to use his Mafia Boss Powerz (which involved looking really sad and dejected, complete with puppy eyes directed at an oblivious Yamamoto) to gather other members of what he now termed The Resistance.
"So you're sure she isn't your sister?" Kurokawa Hana asked again, biting viciously into a yakisoba roll. Tsuna nodded miserably and tried to curl more into himself, wondering if he could just expire through the sheer mortification of being even remotely tied to Tsunako.
"She's a bit weird," Kyoko allowed softly, which translated into 'what the hell is up with her?' in the tongues of normal people. "When I went to buy my lunch, she was already starting to talk back to the cheerleaders. Which is odd, because we don't have cheerleaders..."
"Plot moves according to her whims, anything else be damned," Yamamoto said.
The two girls gave him a strange look but Tsuna just waved them off with a hollow, "He does that sometimes."
"Well, we obviously have to do something about her!" Hana huffed. "She's flirting with my future boyfriend! Ryohei should know better than to flex his muscles for other girls," she growled, an unholy light in her eyes.
"Hana-chan, you're breaking Canon with Knowledge of the Future that you shouldn't know," Kyoko pointed out serenely, handing her friend a bottle of apple juice.
"Sorry, I guess she's starting to get to me too," Hana said, taking a meditative sip from her beverage. She gave to two boys across from her a level look. "Do you guys know anyone that could, I don't know, get rid of her?"
Tsuna was about to point out that if the head of the Disciplinary Committee - a Committee that could hide bodies - wasn't capable of fighting against his alleged sister, what hope could they possibly have when his epiphany hit. He immediately paled at the thought of his next plan of action.
"I know someone," Tsuna whimpered, evil chuckles and purple pineapples dancing in his mind, "But he's in Kokuyou Land. What if she tries to stop me?"
Hana crushed the bottle in her hand, "We can handle her. It looks like Kyoko is immune and as long as she's around me, I should be able to remain sane."
Tsuna didn't look too thrilled about leaving the girls behind - especially after recalling the absence of his other housemates. What if Tsunako had gotten rid of Bianchi and the kids? Would she get rid of Kyoko and Hana too, if they didn't conform?
"Tsuna-kun, we'll be fine!" Kyoko assured him. "You need to go find help! Otherwise we'll never get Onii-chan, Gokudera-kun, or Hibari-san back!"
Tsuna grimaced but nodded in resolution. If he wanted any of his friends to survive this, he had to act fast; he couldn't dawdle out of fear. "Come on, Yamamoto - we have to go see Chrome."
"Now?" Yamamoto blinked. "Won't Hibari kill us for skipping school?"
"He's already lost," Hana hissed. "Get this Chrome now before we lose them all for good!"
End Chapter One
A/N: In case you hadn't figured it out, Yamamoto is channeling TvTropes. XD This 'story' should be fairly short, maybe just one or two chapters left. Depends on how much I can squeeze into the next chapter. Don't ask about the timeline; it's floating up there somewhere. (Poor timeline.)