A/N: So, uh, this story is probably gonna be five chapters. I was perfectly content with three, until one of my beloved reviewers suggested some fun ideas that I decided needed to be put in as well. So everyone can blame Polar Pig for any trauma incurred after this story is finished. (Love you lots, by the way! Thanks for the ideas!) Don't be afraid to throw things at me, guys; if you think you've seen one terrible cliche too many times in this fandom and I have stupidly forgotten to include it, tell me~ Let us vent our frustrations through this story!
On another note, I apologize for taking so long to update. Besides getting distracted by my other stories and school, I have to be honest; the ideas and plot notes for this story - and yes, goddammit, this thing actually has a plot - disturbed me. I mean, I thought the Sues were bad, and then somehow it just got worse. I cringe every time I think about the last two chapters.
Warnings: Some part of me died writing this chapter.
Disclaimer: I do not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn, TvTropes, Pokemon, the Void... (Why is this part growing every chapter?)
Pairings: (starts laughing maniacally and looks away) Just...prepare yourself.
Oh, and thanks to everyone who reviewed! If I haven't gotten around to replying to you yet, I'm sorry - I'll get there. Eventually. Just assume I've gone into a catatonic state (courtesy of all the crack in this story) until I do.
Darkness stretched out in all directions, offering no sense of time, of gravity, of life. There was no discernible light, no echoes, not even a damn place to sit down. That was the Void - a place borne from the ruins of Creativity and Originality.
"Ah shit - hey Sexy, do you mind kicking me over to my family?"
Bianchi twitched, attempting to turn around but only managing to twist her torso so she could see behind her; sure enough, Katou Julie was floating towards her with a wide smile. As soon as he got within range, she twisted backwards so that her feet met with his chest, using him as a launching pad and pushing the both of them in opposite directions.
"Thank yooouuuu!" Julie called out, propelling backwards as if he was swimming in honey.
"You better not be doing anything stupid, Julie!" Adelheid's voice snapped out, and Bianchi was able to spot the voluptuous girl floating about seven meters away. The Liquidation Committee member brushed by a scowling Lal Mirch - still in baby form - who was glaring over at Collonello contentedly napping about ten meters downwards.
"BOOOOSSSSSUU!" Levi-A-Than called out for what felt like the thousandth time since they had been trapped in the Void. Bianchi would have loved to hit him with some of her cooking, but the Void didn't exactly allow any of their weapons inside. This, however, didn't seem to stop Marmon from kicking him in the head, sending the infant spiralling more upwards.
"Varia-chan, there's no point trying to go up," Julie pointed out, reclining languidly as he passed under Fon's feet. "Face it - we're stuck here in this limbo."
I-Pin sniffled pathetically in Bianchi's arms. The Poison Scorpion held the little girl closer, trading a concerned look with a contemplative Fon. The holder of the Storm Pacifier glanced over at Verde, who was glaring up at the endlessness that was the Void. The mad scientist had seen fit to forcing Skull upwards earlier, but then they realized that after a certain distance, they could simply go no further; it still felt as if they were floating, they just weren't actually going anywhere.
"Well, it could be worse," Kusakabe pointed out, doing some kind of weird arm-flapping motion as he passed by the unconscious bodies of what remained of the Cavallone famiglia. His fellow prisoners gave him wide-eyed, disbelieving looks, prompting a scowl.
"Remember what happened to Lambo?"
As one, they all shuddered. I-Pin abruptly burst into tears.
There were just some fates worse than death.
Miura Haru can't really remember what her life had been like before she had come across Tsunako. It had been a shallow existence, of course, as she had needed Tsunako to show her what she could really be - a strong, independent woman who could do anything she put her mind to and had guys falling all over themselves for just a smile from her. (With noticeable stress on the 'men enamored with her' part, because - oddly enough - for being such a strong, independent woman, she still needed men's lust for every particle of her being to reaffirm her own importance.) She could kill like an experienced assassin, analyze like a genius, strut her stuff like a model - there was no limit to what she could do! Who needed things like a personality, a sense of humor, basic insecurities that made her human - one "witty" line and she had men eating out of her hands!
"Haru-chan?" Kyoko asked, brown eyes wide as she peered at her friend. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at school?"
"What are you talking about, Kyoko-chan?" Haru asked mistily. "I've always gone to Namimori. You've just never noticed because I've been hiding my radiance in the shadows!" Suddenly, Haru became furious, gesturing wildly at a confused Kyoko. "No, you noticed, didn't you, you little bitch? Did you think just because I was unpopular you could get away with tormenting me?"
"Wh-What?" Kyoko asked, wide-eyed.
"Well not anymore! I won't be bullied by you any longer, Sasagawa Kyoko!"
"Haru-chan, wait, listen to me-"
"I'll tell everyone what a bitch you really are! I'll punch your face in! I'll steal Tsuna away from you, then Hibari, then Yamamoto, then Gokudera-"
"Haru-chan, what are you talking about?"
"-Then we'll get married and have lots of kids and they'll be the next super-powered generation and you'll just be an ugly old hag dying alone in some alleyway and-"
"Kyoko, move!" Hana instructed. "She's obviously infected!"
Hana grabbed her friend's wrist, pulling her along and away from the madly raving girl. Kyoko followed but couldn't help but look back; Haru was still ranting into empty air. "But Hana-chan! Haru-chan is-"
"We have to wait for Sawada and the others to come back! She can't be saved yet, Kyoko!" Hana pointed out, slamming the door to the school's rooftop closed and propping a chair up against it. Right now the rooftop served as their homebase, as the student body had entered some kind of weird trance after Tsunako had taken off with her newfound harem.
"How did she get to Haru-chan?" Kyoko asked, distressed. "She goes to another school!"
"I suppose we should assume she's infected all of Namimori..." Hana mused.
They really were outnumbered. While for the most part everyone was ineffectual, there were still a few questionably-coherent individuals walking about that could do some serious damage to their health and sanity. Hana had gone to check on the Disciplinary Committee but instead found not even the barest traces of Kusakabe and the others. It was simply like they didn't exist; where had all of Hibari's men gone?
"Sawada and the others better hurry up - I just want to go home and pretend none of this ever happened..." Hana muttered to herself.
"Do you mean Tsuna? As in my idiotic student?"
Both girls turned abruptly, surprised to find a well-dressed man lounging about on their school rooftop smoking a cigarette. For his part, Reborn just looked slightly dazed; he had no idea how he ended up where he was, or even how the hell he was again an adult.
"Kurokawa Hana and Sasagawa Kyoko?" Reborn mused to himself, striding towards the pair. Both girls backed up, wary of the stranger's growing proximity. "What is going on?"
"And who the hell are you?" Hana demanded.
"Are you sure that Master of yours can help?" Enma asked again, voice colored with doubt.
He certainly didn't have much faith in Mukuro's abilities; he'd much rather br searching for Tsuna. The Kokuyou illusionist reminded him too much of Daemon Spade for Enma's liking.
"Master has seen a lot of horrible things," Fran dismissed blandly. "And even if he doesn't know how to kill them, he ranks higher than us on the character popularity chart, so we can just dump the problem on him."
"...You're kind of an asshole, you know that?" Enma pointed out.
Lussuria cocked his head. "I'm not sure you should break the Fourth Wall like that..."
"It's fine, you perverted peacock," Fran replied. "I break it all the time; its perfectly in-character."
PokéFan, clutching to Enma's arm (despite his best attempts to pry her off), pouted at the three males. "How could you think I'd leave my Enma for some creepy criminal? Enma and I are meant to be together!"
Enma made a moan akin to a dying animal as Fran calmly replied, "I suppose Master can be seen as attractive, particularly to those who find fruits sexually stimulating."
Both PokéFan and Lussuria gave him looks torn between disgust and horror. (Although Lussuria hardly had any right to judge any fruitophile, seeing as he'd claimed himself as a necrophile before.) Enma still seemed content to make small, whimpering noises.
"Things could be worse," Fran told the redhead in a complete deadpan.
"Easy for you to say, you don't have one of these things attached to your arm crowing about your eternal love," Enma muttered. PokéFan looked up at him, hurt and teary-eyed, although the action went ignored by her object of affection.
Fran stared at him. "...I have an idea."
"I don't want any part in it," Enma replied instantly.
"Don't be a spoilsport, Cozart-kun," Lussuria cooed.
To be honest, Fran didn't give a damn about what Enma wanted. Right now, what Fran wanted was to be red of this girl-thing and as long as she was attached to Enma like a tumor, they couldn't continue to look for his master. And while he was sure he could ditch Enma if he really wanted to, he wasn't quite sure he could get rid of the girl-thing that easily. I mean, she named herself after pokemon; it wasn't too far-fetched to believe she had some of their powers. (Right? Right.)
"Sapphire-san, you have to give up on him," Fran started, turning to the girl-thing. ('Sapphire' being the only part of her name that he could remember.) "You see, he's actually been keeping a terrible secret from everyone."
"A terrible secret?" PokéFan echoed, caught up in the moment of (faux-)mystery.
Fran nodded. "You see, Cozart Enma is not the great-great-grandson of Cozart Shimon," he paused for dramatic effect - although how he could possibly have that when all of this was being said in a droll tone was anyone's guess.
"Is that the correct number of 'great's?" Lussuria mused to himself, obviously concerned about the semantics than whatever show Fran was single-handedly putting on.
Fran ignored him, continuing on, "He is actually Cozart Emma - Shimon's great-great-granddaughter. She'd been raised as a boy since she was little, as her famiglia believed only a boy could be heir to the family. She's had to dress and act like a boy all her life. And now that her revenge against the Vongola has been resolved, she is now free to be the woman she really is."
"What?" PokéFan cried out, releasing Enma's arm instantly and recoiling.
Enma was a lot less excited. "...what."
Fran nodded sagely, expression perfectly bland. "She's never told anyone, since she's been ashamed of her body ever since she shacked up with the rest of her famiglia. I mean, every girl in that family has an impressive rack - and what does she have to compare with that? A face guys like to kick in? A scrawny body?"
Why did Enma suddenly feel insulted? "Are you saying I'm an ugly girl?"
"I'm just saying you don't have a lot to offer a guy," Fran said. "Isn't that why you stick to the 10th Vongola boss? He's the only one who could like a flat-chested, short-legged, smashed-faced girl like you?"
Enma flushed. "Tsuna-kun doesn't judge girls on how they look - he sees a person's inner beauty!"
Lussuria wondered if he should intervene in the kids' squabble; he wasn't entirely convinced it was an act anymore. PokéFan just looked horrified that she'd apparently flirted with another female - to think! She'd been a part of- of- YURI!
"Wait a second!" PokéFan intervened desperately. "I saw Enma during the battle with Vongola! When he was fighting Sawada Tsuyoshi!"
"Who?" Enma asked, confused.
"Sawada Tsuyoshi, the 10th boss!" PokéFan said irritably.
"...you mean Sawada Tsunayoshi?" Lussuria asked gently.
PokéFan blinked. "What?"
"His name," Enma started coolly, "Is Sawada Tsunayoshi."
"Yeah, well, whatever - him. And Enma totally had his shirt off - and his chest was flat!"
Fran shrugged, "I told you she's flat-chested."
"Flat like a man! Even the most flat-chested girls have some bulge!" PokéFan pointed out irately.
"It was an illusion," Enma (suprisingly) jumped in. "An...Earth illusion. We have those. I use them all the time."
PokéFan scowled. "Well, if you use them all the time, then how does he know about it?" she pointed to Fran.
"He's an illusionist, he could tell," Enma said.
PokéFan frowned, unconvinced. Enma tentatively added, "And he's my...penpal."
Fran nodded. "Yeah, there's a new inter-famiglia penpal program."
"To promote mafia peace!" Lussuria added cheerfully.
"But why would you tell him about your, er, real identity?" PokéFan demanded.
Fran blinked slowly, as if she was acting particularly dense about something very obvious. "Because...we're dating. She's my girlfriend."
"You just insulted her a few minutes ago!"
Fran shrugged, "Maybe that's how we show affection? You don't know us. I like flat-chested, short-legged, face-smashed older women. They're my type."
Lussuria nodded sagely. "He's always had a very specific type."
Enma looked physically ill, even as he added, "Yeah, we were just about to meet up for some...alone time. Before you came. You should go. I need to...be alone...with my boyfriend."
"So then why is he here too?" PokéFan asked, pointing to Lussuria and clearly grasping at straws.
Lussuria sparkled, "I'm the chaperone!"
"That's a poor choice," Enma muttered.
PokéFan fell to her knees with a whimper. "What's up with this? I feel so weak all of a sudden..."
The three males shared a look, before Enma turned back to her and, with a very straight face, said, "I am desperately in love with...with..."
"Fran," Lussuria supplied helpfully.
"Yes, him," Enma agreed. "I am desperately in love with Fran. Irrevocably in love with him, with every particle of my female being."
PokéFan screamed. "That's not possible! Shut up! I don't want to hear this!"
"He makes my fair maiden heart quiver-"
"-with need. We even have matching promise rings, and on my birthday he took me to watch the fireworks-"
Lussuria and Fran, off to the side, watched the entire scene with morbid fascination. "Cozart-kun seems to be enjoying himself," Lussuria mused.
"And," Enma began ominously, "He even took my virginity."
PokéFan was sobbing hysterically, hands over her ears and shaking her head violently. "It's not possible, it's not possible, it's not possible!" she cried.
"I still remember what it felt like to have him-"
"NOOOOOOOO!" PokéFan raged - before black print began to appear all over her skin, blotting out her pale complexion almost completely. No part of her was spared - her eyes, her hair, the tips of her fingers; the same two words stained over and over again until she became completely obsidian. She froze, silent and completely void of distinguishable features; she smelled of ash, and slowly, her form began to crumble away into nothing.
The words? 'Crack Pairing'.
Tsuna was panicking. At this point he'd usually be quivering to himself, muttering about how everything was hopeless and how he was going to diediediedie, hopefully just enough to irk Reborn into shooting him with a Hyper Dying Will bullet. Or, in more recent cases, downing a few HDW pills himself and saving himself the pain of being killed and revived. Unfortunately for Tsuna, not only were his pills mysteriously gone (he fully blamed Tsunako, in the privacy of his own head), Reborn was also missing from their mismatched party and was probably nowhere near sane enough to shoot him anyway.
Remarkably, Tsuna was keeping his composure in his current predicament. Sure, he was still using Mukuro as his own human shield (occasionally enacting small acts of violence on the older boy when he looked to be Going Under), but other than the occasional cry of terror, he was holding up pretty well. Hell, as long as he didn't look in Yamamoto's and Gokudera's direction for any length of time, he may even escape this interaction unscathed!
"Takeshi-chan, we should go on a date~!" Gokudera suggested cheerfully.
It was a nice dream while it lasted, Tsuna mused, still refusing to look in their direction but too afraid to make any sudden moves, lest Tsunako's attention move back to him. She seemed perfectly content to eyesex the sporadically-twitching Mukuro at the moment.
"Hahaha, did you really use the '-chan' suffix, Gokudera? How unlike you!" Yamamoto pointed out with a smile. "Does this mean you really like me?"
"I've always loved you, Takeshi-chan!"
Tsuna grabbed Mukuro's arm. "Mukuro, what do we do now? I feel like we just broke Gokudera-kun for good!"
"...her eyes are like pools of crimson, the color of blood on a rose sprouting from a poisoned apple..." Mukuro murmured dreamily, staring into Tsunako's - you guessed it - red eyes.
Tsuna smacked him again. "Please stop faltering!"
Mukuro rubbed his red cheek, scowling fiercely but reserving his ire for the petite girl nearby rather than the hysterical boy attached to him. (It wouldn't do to kill Sawada Tsunayoshi now - as one of the Immune, he'd prove valuable later.) The illusionist glanced over at Yamamoto, who was currently contending with a cuddly Gokudera.
"I have to say," Mukuro noted aloud. "Gokudera Hayato never really struck me as the girly-uke type."
Gokudera went completely still, both arms still wrapped around Yamamoto's arm. Silver hair shadowed his face, hiding his expressions - but something was obviously wrong. Soon enough, the bomber began to tremble from head-to-toe, and everyone save the trapped Yamamoto took a step back on instinct.
"Who the hell," Gokudera ground out, head turning to glare at Mukuro with complete hatred, "Are you calling girly?"
Tsunako visibly twitched. "Um, Hayato-kun, it's okay to be effeminate. I mean, it's very cute and-"
"Shut up, bitch, who said I was talking to you?" Gokudera screamed, releasing Yamamoto's arms and pivoting to glare over everyone assembled.
Before his eyes landed on Tsuna.
Almost immediately, the glare was turned into large, adoring eyes. "Tenth! You're here too?" Pause. "Actually, what are we doing here? Are we training? Where's Reborn-san?"
Puppy ears sprouted atop Gokudera's head as he lunged for Tsuna's hand, eyes bright and smile just as sunny. "Are you training us, Tenth? That's so awesome! We can all learn so much from-"
"Hayato-kun!" Tsunako interjected, looking confused at being-being cursed at by someone who had just started adoring her.
Gokudera gave her a sideways glare. "Who the hell are you?"
This time, everyone froze. Tsuna just stared, slack-jawed, at his self-proclaimed right-hand man. "G-Gokudera-kun? You...you really don't remember anything?"
"Remember what, Tenth? Have I forgotten something important?" Gokudera asked, looking ashamed he had forgotten something his boss obviously found crucial. Before he could start apologizing profusely - likely by bowing so far down his head reacquaints itself with the ground - Mukuro appeared behind him and swatted him with his trident - effectively knocking him unconscious.
"Don't call my delicate flower a 'bitch'!" Mukuro snapped, anger clear across his handsome features. He twirled his trident like a baton, striking a pose that left Tsunako breathless with desire. The way his violet hair shined in the sun, looking like a ribbon of night against the sunny backdrop was breathtaking. Their eyes locked together, riveted with passion and a darkness only the two of them could see and understand.
"Mukuro-kun," Tsunako sighed, eyes shimmering with tears of longing and fidelity. "I love you."
Ryohei and Hibari both froze, distraught at Tsunako's announcement. The girl they loved, the girl they would fight and die for, loved another! How could they go on, knowing they'd never get her love in return? How would they recover from this emotional tragedy?
"Mukuro!" Tsuna cried, looking far more devastated than the two whose failed love lives had apparently shattered their wills to live. "Stop! Think about Chrome-chan!"
Mukuro froze, the inner struggle clear as varying emotions flickered across his face. Tsunako moved a step forward, one hand outstretched in a dramatic pose that spoke of far too many soap operas to be healthy.
"Tsuna," Yamamoto said, eyes and voice equally serious. "We have to fight fire with fire."
Tsuna took a moment to think about that - before turning red. "I am not kissing Mukuro!"
Yamamoto blinked at him, confused. "Of course not. Why would you do that?" Before Tsuna could respond, the baseball player continued on calmly. "I mean it's time to get serious. We need to use our flames."
"But I don't have my pills on me and Reborn isn't here to shoot me!" Tsuna cried, not even thinking about how strange that claim would sound to normal people. He'd given up on normal a long time ago.
Yamamoto just smiled at him. "Tsuna...we don't need to follow the rules of Canon anymore."
Flames burst atop Tsuna's head. Everyone present stared at him, entranced by the abrupt power surge, even Tsunako - though she still looked calm. Tsuna was alarmed when flames burst from his shoulder blades and around his fists as well - but he was even more disturbed when he realized what they were.
"Why are my flames glittery?" he shrieked.
Yamamoto smiled enigmatically, "Welcome to Fanon."
A/N: I'm a bit sad I couldn't include as many excerpts from TvTropes as I would have liked. The only good thing is I finally got rid of PokéFan. She only deserved to live for one chapter! And next chapter you get to see what Chrome and the others are up to...the Resistance gets stronger! :)
And yes, I know; FranxGirl!Enma also made me weep. Even if it's fake-Girl!Enma.
I apologize if this chapter mentally harmed you. I also apologize for any future harm.
Be kind and drop a review!