Captain Blackadder was sleeping in his bed. Then a loud rumbling noise shook the whole room. He woke up annoyed. "It's not an earthquake, is it?" he asked himself. "Baldrick, it's very nice of you tidy this place up, but DO YOU THINK YOU COULD KEEP IT DOWN?"
"Sorry, did you say something, sir?" asked Baldrick, walking in.
"What are you doing?" asked Blackadder.
"Me and the Lieutenant are watching the tanks blasting Jerry back home," replied Baldrick.
Blackadder looked at his watch. "At five o'clock in the morning?" asked Blackadder. "This war is getting crazier than people eating dangerous stuff to prove how dangerous it was or people causing fires so other idiots know not to do it or peeing or pooing in public just to show to other people how disgusting it is." He got up and joined Baldrick and Lt. George outside.
"Hello, Cap!" greeted George. "Come to see our cool British tank clearing out the Fritz fire?"
"No, I'm just going to watch this boring event to get me to sleep," answered Blackadder huffily. "The sooner I get away from this place..."
"This gives me a cunning plan," Baldrick announced.
"All right, Baldrick, let's get this over with," sighed Blackadder.
"Well, we go over to the tanks, volunteer to drive them and we'll get away from the trenches," said Baldrick.
"I like that plan, Baldrick," smiled George happily. "I'll shove our nozzle right in the heart of Germany."
"Yes, George, but God won't forgive you if you did that, would He?" said Blackadder. "As for you, Baldrick, that plan is as successful as much as ants build their anthills – very little. However, I shall go over to General Melchett and see if there are other jobs I can do. As long as it's away from getting killed, I'll take any job, even sewage cleaning."
Captain Darling walked into the office, sat down and began his work.
"Well, thank you for noticing me," said a voice, which made Darling scribble the table with his pen. He looked up.
"Good lord! What are you doing here, Blackadder?" asked an angry Darling.
"What's my sweet little monkey poo-poo doing up so early out of his cradle?" teased Blackadder, putting on a lady's voice on.
"That's not funny, Blackadder! Neither were the earlier ninth mummy jokes you played on me!"
General Melchett walked on. "What's going on, Darling?"
"Blackadder here has just called me his 'sweet little monkey poo-poo', sir!" yelled Darling angrily.
"Well, you are sweet," laughed Melchett. "We wouldn't make you the host of the ladies' night, if you weren't. And if you didn't have the name for it." Darling growled. Then Melchett turned to Blackadder. "Hello, Blackadder. What can I do for you?"
"Well, sir, it's more like I can do some jobs for you," said Blackadder. "I'm feeling useless sitting at the trenches."
"Well, Blackadder, I could do with more barbers and hairdressers," replied Melchett.
Later, Blackadder, Baldrick and George were in a hairdresser's room.
"Right, everyone, this should keep us away from the trench more than the streets of London can keep mice away from cats," said Blackadder.
"Well, at least we're in somewhere much cleaner," said George.
"And not as smelly," added Baldrick.
"Well, I don't know much about smelly whenever and wherever you're around, Baldrick," said Blackadder. "But, anyway, to business..."
Soon a lot of soldiers were coming in and getting haircuts. Blackadder and George were cutting the hairs, while Baldrick was passing equipment for them. They all seemed to be doing very well, but when it came to lunchtime, there was a major with scruffy hair and with a huge beard who demanded a haircut and a shave straight away. Blackadder decided to give Baldrick a chance of cutting the hair, even though he never cut anything in his life. Even when he was born, his umbilical cord was snapped off for him by hand.
But ten minutes later, as Blackadder and George were having their lunch, Baldrick ran past them.
"Forgot something, Baldrick?" asked Blackadder.
Then he saw the major running toward them. He wasn't shaved at all and his hair looked like there was a hand pushing him down. "Come here, all of you!" he yelled from the hallway.
Blackadder and George got up and caught up with Baldrick. "What happened, Baldrick?" Blackadder demanded.
"I don't know, sir," replied Baldrick honestly.
The true story was after Baldrick sat the major down, he went to get the equipment, but the shelf fell on top of him and he was blinded by the liquids that fell on his glasses. He tried wiping them off, but he couldn't, not to mention they were his only pair.
"Come on!" snapped the impatient Major. "The soldiers need me!"
"Coming, sir!" said Baldrick. He had to carry on, even though he couldn't see a thing.
But what no one could see what that a pigeon flew in and sat on the major's head to sleep; the major thought it was Baldrick doing his job. And Baldrick was doing his job, but on the pigeon's tail instead of the Major. After Baldrick put the aftershave on the pigeon's 'arse', the pigeon saw it and flew away, crying.
When Baldrick got to the hair-cutting part, he felt like his head had shrunk, so he just cut low like he was digging. The Major yelled in pain and got out of the chair. Baldrick ran for it...
...and now Blackadder and George all joined him.
They ran into a room and closed the doors behind them. They saw that they were in the tank room.
"Ah, Captain Blackadder," greeted an old officer. "I'm Colonel Tanks of the Tank Division. You see this tank?"
"You're only one tank, sir, even though your name is – "
"Not me, you moron!" snapped Tanks. "That tank!"
They looked at a big British Mark V tank, ready for action. "Its team was supposed to get ready for action for its battle today, but they're very ill. So I don't suppose you three would mind –"
"Not in a million years!" said George happily.
"Yeah, it looks fun," agreed Baldrick.
"Yes, it does," said Blackadder, "but I don't think we can – " His sentence was cut off when he turned around and saw the angry Major walking in. "Miss it!" he finished. "Come on, guys, let's go and blast those Germans back where they belong!" They ran for the tank.
"Come back here!" shouted the Major.
Tanks got in front of him. "You have no authority to be here, Major. You will leave this area at once!"
"Not until I get those three – "
"I gave you an order, Major! Now piss off and go to the toilet if you going to piss off!" yelled Tanks.
The Major angrily obeyed.
In Paris, Blackadder's tank was having a few problems. No, not a few problems; every problem a tank could ever have!
"Whoops! Sorry, don't worry, I'll get the hang of this," Blackadder said.
"But you said that nineteen times already, sir!" Baldrick reminded him.
"Yes, I'm progressing all the time, don't you think?" snapped Blackadder.
"He's right, Baldrick," said George. "He's making progress... more than me. I can't seem to fix the brake fluid."
"What? Baldrick, take the controls and stick to the road!" ordered Blackadder.
"Yes, sir," Baldrick replied. Blackadder amused he must have had cleaned his glasses by now, but Baldrick didn't have time!
Blackadder and George were studying the brake fluid. "I tried to replacing the pipe, but when I try putting the pipe back on, it's spitting worse than a tidal wave!"
"But this isn't as bad as that smelly spot where Baldrick lets the water come out of his hose pipe in his trousers," said Blackadder.
Then the ground shook and Blackadder and George bumped their heads. Blackadder ran to the controls and seized them. "Baldrick – or should I say 'Blind-rick' – Where the hell have you taken us?"
"On the road, like you said, sir," replied Baldrick.
Blackadder looked ahead. "We're not on the road! We're approaching a chocolate factory! A CHOCOLATE FACTORY?"
And he was right! The tank entered a chocolate factory and crashed. Outside the rest of the town, if anyone – probably the British tanks who have chased the German tanks away and won the battle – was around, they would have seen Paris getting covered up in chocolate. It looked like the chocolate was being fired up by the nozzle of a tank – because it was!
That night, Blackadder delivered a giant chocolate ball to a table where Melchett, Darling, Colonel Tanks, the Major who was wearing a maid's hat, Baldrick and George sat.
"That chocolate ball smells delicious, Blackadder," smiled Melchett.
"He's only giving you it so you will drop his charges for him," whispered Darling.
"I heard that, sweetie," said Blackadder in his female voice.
"George, do the honours, will you?" said Melchett.
"My pleasure, sir," smiled George, as he got up and started craving.
Blackadder was walking away down the corridor, sniggering. "My cunning plan's working. Once they're blown up, they'll be in a coma and I'll be on the next train to London quick than – " Then the whole corridor exploded and the room fell on top of him. " – that bomb could explode!" he finished.
Later, he and everyone were taken to the hospital and they were all in comas, except Blackadder. He may have got away with the problems he caused, as when everyone will wake up, they will never remember today's events, but, when they do, everything will be back to normal, including Blackadder staying put to die in the trenches.