It's really hard for me to say this.
We've spent so many years together, but what have we earned? Mistrust, disbelief, hate. We've formed a rather weak bond, and I'm constantly wondering if it's already been broken. Has it? Has it really? Some nights, questions like that will keep me awake in the dark, silently praying it's not true.
Are you happy? Without me in your life? Do you wake up some mornings and think about how glad you are that I take little to no part in your life? I want to believe you don't, but maybe it's so. I sincerely hope that you think well of me.
But what have I given you that will urge you to remember? I've pushed you aside so many times, and ignored you. I even once pretended you didn't exist. I can understand fully if you hate me, that's reasonable to its finest degree, but, if I were to apologize right now, would you accept it?
Silly question. You probably would. You've always been sweet like that. Sweet like that syrup you love so much. But…I don't want you to forgive me. I don't want you to say it'll be okay. Because it's not. I don't deserve your forgiveness. I really don't. At what moment did I earn it? Even if you were to forgive me, you would probably just say it out of pity rather than love.
I guess…what I'm trying to say here is…I'm sorry. I'm sorry for tripping you on the school playground when we were six. Yeah, you remember that don't you? It was the day before the year let out? Remember? I tripped you to be funny, but it only scrapped your knees up really bad. You were crying in that soft voice of yours, and to this day, I regret it.
I'm also sorry for ignoring you when we entered middle school, pretending like you weren't there, like I didn't know you. That was wrong of me, it was. I'm still angry about that, and I've never really forgiven myself for it.
I'm sorry for making fun of you in eighth grade. Saying it was girly for your hair to be long, and how purple was a girly color for your eyes.
I'm sorry for forgetting your sixteenth birthday; out of all the ones I should've remembered, that should've been it. Sixteen is a great age; you learn how to drive, and mostly, that's when you start growing up and dating. But…you were probably already grown up.
I'm sorry for how I never stood up for you, not once, in all our years together. When the older students teased you, and made you cry. All I did was stare, not offering a hint of assistance when I would throw myself into total strangers' problems.
I'm sorry for how I treated your boyfriend, Gilbert. I knew he was a good guy at heart. I did. He's good for you. He'll take care of you. I've always known that. He's rough on the outside, but he's really caring on the inside. But you already know that don't you?
But…in the end, I think the thing I'm sorry the most for…is not being the big brother you needed.
I'm so, so sorry for not being there, ever. To be there to hold you when you had a bad dream, to tell you it's alright when you got a poor grade, or patch you up when you fell. I'm sorry I never told you 'I love you' when I really did. I'm sorry for cutting you out of my life when I found someone.
You're the greatest brother in the world. You're the greatest brother anyone could ask for. You're considerate and sweet, and I know you'll go far in life.
I love you Matthew, I love you. I'll say it as many times as I have to. I love you. I love you so much. You mean the world to me, even if it never seemed like it. I'll say it again for every time I never said it. I love you. I love you.
I love you more than anything, little brother. I just want you to know that. From the deepest depths of my heart, I love you.
Take care, Matthew. Go far in life, travel the world, never give up until you've done everything you've wanted. Love and nurture the people around you, and you will receive it in return. Live life, because you only have one shot.
And don't ever lose sight of what's important to you.
Thanks for being my brother, and for now and forever, I love you.
Alfred Fitzgerald Jones
Just a little drabble about how Alfred really feels about Matthew. I've been caught up in loving their bro-fics, and eventually I wrote this. I HIGHLY suggest listening to the song 'The Place Where Wishes Come True' from the Clannad OST while listening to this.
Because Himaruya never clearly out right said what the "F" in Alfred F. Jones stood for, I used Fitzgerald because I think it sounds cool. He may have mentioned what it COULD'VE been, but never confirmed anything. So leave me and my head canon alone.
Thanks for reading!~ Review if you've got time~