Not meant to be funny exactly… just a regular terrible harry potter slash fic. All mistaks on purpose. Sometimes. Please do NOT enjoy ;)
Dude Looks Like A Lady
Harry was in the cupboard under the stairs. When he'd left Hogwarts for the summer, all those days ago, his most beloved and precious and not at all weird 'family' told him he couldn't have his own room anymore.
Dudley had started to collect comics and they were piled up around the house. And Harry who was weird, who was strange and abnormal and freakish was moved back into the cupboard under the stairs where no one could hear him cry.
Sitting in the dark, tears pooled in Harry's humungous glistening eyes. His eyes were a little too big and girlish for his tiny face, glistening emerald jewels surrounded by long curly dark black eyelashes. His eyesbrows were delicately arched over his hooded eyes. The eyelid had a natural dusting of pink, as did his cheeks, sunken as they were with hunger.
His 'family' – Harry almost vomited with rage at the word – was feeding him only mouldy cheese and mouldy bread crusts. Harry ate them off of the floor, because he knew he had to survive, Draco would come for him.
He lay back and held a tiny delicate finger to his lips, remembering how Draco had caught him and Blaise kissing and flown into a rage. How he missed his friends in Slytherin. Griffindors were so lame and boring wimps and stupid as well. He only got respect in slytherin.
But only if he wanted to… Harry giggled as he remembered Sev disciplining him, and ran his hands over his emaciated rib cage. He could play a tune on those ribs. A spider ran over him and started crying again.
Whatsssss wrrrong masssssssssssterrr of deeathssss and snakesss and shadowssss?
Harry turned his luminous eyes and saw a snake sitting next to him. The snake rose up and looked him in one killing curse green eye.
"You are beauuuutifulllsss you wan to stay with me yesss?"
I will curl round your neeeccccck and turn into a necklace and if anyone threatens my massster I will killssss them with my venom.
"That would be really cool." Said Harry, letting the snake climb his arm and settle in her place. He giggled as she ticked him playfully. She was a little tight around his neck, but he kind of liked it. Ohh what would Sev say, "Naught boy"? Harry new he would.
Weeks passed and Harry was near death, he hadn't left the cupboard at all except for his daily beating from the dursleys. They would all hit him and kick him and call him useless and lazy. Petunia the skinny giraffe horse would ht him with plates and a broom, Dudley hit him with rolled up comics and meaty fists, but Vernon like to hit him with a hammer or a chair. They'd all laugh.
But one day harry started laughing too and theyall stopped. and since then no one had fed him except to sweep old bits of ham and wraps and other flat food under the door. Only his magic had sustained him.
It was late one night he heard the giggling. Nasty foul, eggy smell giggling. It was Vernon dursely creeping down the stairs, he was completey naked! Harry screamed and screamed but vernin waslked past, got a snack and went back to bed. All the wile naked. Harry closed his eyes and felt imaginary hands all over him.
He had to die for this! They all had to die! Maybe voldemort was right with all this muggle killing they were all evil and fat and stupid, unlike Harry the magnificent!
Harry screamed and the house disappeared ina wall of flame, he floated incandescent in a globe of invisible light. Completley naked. He was beautiful, long eyelashes, pouty lips, anorexic, his long black hair swirling around him.
He opend his eyes and the house was gone. He appareted to nocturne Alley and walked unashamed of his nudity down the street. All bowed their heads as he passed.
For this was someone who was truly insane" they thought.
They know their master," harry thought.
Harry wen to the clothing shop called Rottopik (Heeeheee do you see what I did there? Hee hee I love hot topic, as you will soon see, shhhhh!") and the shop people gasped when they saw him.
"Your that Harry Potter guy, right?"
"WH tar you doing here?
"My muggle family abused me," said Harry, "I was locked ina cupboard."
"we will never tell a soul," they said as one and everyone become best friends straight away.
"What should I buy?" asked harry and the girl and gay guy got really excited with sparkly eyes like in an anime.
"OMG you need to get some underwear!" they handed him some thongs and he tried them all on. They drew quite a crowd. Then they decided he couldn't just wear thongs but he wasn't a boxer or tight wighty type so they gave him lacy knickers to put on, he though he looked so cute and they gave him some bras too and then he bought some heels and dresses, but he needed clothes to wear to school, because Ron would hate him if he dressed like this.
"I know just the thing" said -
Harry stood in the mirror and looked at his reflection, "you look so hotttt" said his reflected and he simirked, "I know."
He was wearing tight leather trousers that he couldn't bend in that showed EVERYTHING not to mention he didn't wear underwear. He also wore thight high leather boots with a six inch heel. His shirt was tight enough to show her erect pink nippls. His shirt was pure silk, emerald to match his eyes.
He looked into his own eyes and saw for the first time how beautiful her was. He loved feeling sexay. The shirt has ruffles down the front, but he had ripped the front open to show of his skinny bird chest, draped in weird necklases, including th e wone luna gave him when he firs tmet her. It had dragon teeth and unicron horn and a pendant of a dragon cuddling a werewolf cudding a boy with a sky on his head with emerald green eyes with pearks in his hair. He loved it,
He had also gone and got a load of tattoos like his whole body was covered in them, because they were so popular now, right? He even had the dark mark on his stomach and voldemort written on his lower back.
Just to be ironic.
He had vines up his arms and neck and down his chest and shoulder sna d snakes all down his legs. They all moved too. He also got his nepples pierced, his belly button, his ears several time each, his nose, eyebrow, lips, and tongue. He waggled his tongue. He looked so hot. Maybe he should get it slit likea snakes too? Hmmm.
Harry applied his make up and went to the club the cute guy had asked him to go to earlier. He slipped in past the crowds and went to the bar, where he ordered firewhiskey.
"How old are you, kid?"
"I'm Harry Potter."
"Okay." Said the man as he passed the drink over. "You wanna come to my place tonight."
Harry looked at his shining head and hairy hands, "No. Way. Stupefy!"
Everyone cheered him as he poured his drink over the man and ordered another. He felt so cool. A hot guy came over, but Harry was too shy.
"Do you want to dance?"
"I can't dance!" Harry began to cry, because life was so unfair.
"I'll teach you " omg this guy ws so sexy.
"Okay!" harry giggled and let himself be led away.
The dance floor was packed, the man slid his leg between ahrrys, it was awkward, "Just grind back against me!" the man told him and Harry did, it was loads of fun but he started to get a little 'problem' (hee hee! What could this problem beeee?) the man tried to take harry's virginity right there and then when he noticed, but t3o boys stopped him.
"Potter, what are you doing here!" shouted Malfoy, "didn't know you were a cocksucker!"
Blaise poked his head out from behind draco where he as grinding against him, "Cock-suckkkerrrr!"
Harry ran away crying. He'd had a crush on Malfoy for years but the blonde angel only like that whore blacise!
He escaped into an alleyway, where Snape found him crying, "Potter? Is that you? Suddenly covere din tattoos and piercing you look like my dead love lily – your mother. Could it be possible I am your father?"
They went to his house and did a test, but it was not so. They did another test of another sort and Snape said, "Everything looks clear, now, let's fuck, Potter!"
But in the end, Harry just went down on him, because he was saving himself for the right man and to be honest even though this greasy beak-nosed teacher was hot in an disgusting old man way, he was not someone harry wanted to be boning until he reached that age too.
When Harry turned up at the Hogwarts express with Snape everyone stopped what they wre doing and looked at them, not one pair of eyes did anything but stair at The New Harry. He could see on their faces they wrre wildy attracted to him.
Ron and Hermione came over to him, but he ignored them like a prissy bitch because even though they'd sent letters they hadn't come looking for him when he didn't reply – treacherous fuckers!
When he got on the train he got on the bit reserved for pureblood slytherins and everyone looked at him. Blaise sat by him and touched his leg, "Hey lover," he purred, "You should've come home with me and Drakie poo plops."
"Don't call me that." Said Draco, sitting in his lap, "Why do you look like someone's stamped on your heart, potter? Someone stamp on your heart?"
Harry ran from the carriage, but the twins stopped him,
"Harry." They said together, fencing him in.
Okay" said harry and off they went.
A/NNNNN!: TBC? 20 reviews if yyou want me to continue this! No FLAMERRRRRRSSS! I DON'T care if you don't like gay butt sechssss alright?
Sasuke: Yeah! Go away haters!
Itachi: Stay away from my wife!
Sesshoumaru: Stay away from MY Queen!
REAL A/N: I dunno why I wrote this. Forgive me. I think this has been building a while. I will one day make this funny, I swear. Right now I am just venting my frustrations by writing the generic fic most people write.