Full Summary: For some reason fate (the author) keeps sending boys Sui's way, and for some other reason, sparks keep flying between them. But have you ever seen a cat carrying a fire extinguisher? I haven't, but I'm sure I could find it on YouTube. Yoruichi is on a mission to be Sui's one and only, but for a hyper paranoid super ninja, Sui is really bad at picking up on not so subtle hints from her Yoruichi-sama, forcing everyone's favorite talking cat to get creative.
This is a crackfic, a parody of a genre of fics, and a joke. It is also a series of pairing executions. And possibly character deaths. It is not targeted at any character, pairing, fic, genre, person, entity, eldritch abomination, or mega-corporation. So yeah. You've been warned. Please don't set Cthulhu on me.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.
Rice cracker halfway to his mouth, Omaeda froze like a deer in headlights. Like a fat deer in headlights. Like a fat deer in headlights about to be hit by Jakuhō Raikōben. He finished shoving his snack into his mouth (why waste a perfectly good cracker?) and chewed, considering his options.
Option 1. Flee.
If he shunpo'd the hell out of his office right that second, he might make it halfway down the hall before the captain noticed.
Crunch, crunch, went the cracker.
Crunch, crunch, went his bones as he imagined what would happen after Sui-feng saw him running.
Option 2. Pretend to be busy. Very busy.
Omaeda brushed some crumbs off of a stack of untouched paperwork. Chances were good his captain would notice the ratio of finished to unfinished reports. Pretending to be busy, therefore, also a bad idea.
And that left Option 3. Go across the hall and face the angry, short, angry Chinese, angry-
The corpulent deer in the headlights of the oncoming Jakuhō Raikōben looked up. "H-hai, c-captain?" he stammered. Even though he was sitting and she was standing, even though he was taller than her when he was sitting and she was standing, he still had to look up.
It was a good thing Marenoshin Omaeda fired the physics tutor for being useless. Obviously the senile sage hadn't known jack about how the world actually worked. Maybe that was a thing among "scientists," because Mayuri was like that too…
Omaeda was in the middle of picking his nose when he heard his captain's dulcet tones,
The startled fat man jumped, jamming his pinky farther up his nostril than he'd intended. Ouch. Out of habit, he started to cower behind his desk, but then he remembered a funny little thing: last time he saw Sui, she was limping out of Fourth covered in bandages and with only one arm. And now that he thought about it, she didn't even seem as loud and demanding and terrifying as she normally did.
There was no need to be scared of her. No need at all. And that was why he was trying to hide behind a piece of furniture half his size. Steeling up his courage, the lieutenant peeked over the edge of his desk at his one-armed commander.
Two armed commander.
Omaeda blinked. Nope, the arm was still there. He wasn't seeing things. Omaeda blinked again and then stared at the new appendage. Where had that come from?
"Stop squinting, it makes you look even uglier," Sui barked.
No, wait, she didn't bark. She just said it. Omaeda frowned. He didn't normally have dreams like this, but maybe today was an exception. A thought crossed his mind. He'd always wanted to go streaking past the captain-commander's office… Omaeda pinched himself. Not dreaming. Right. No streaking.
"I'd like you to procure these items," Sui said. She held out a piece of paper to her lieutenant, who took it gingerly.
"World… of… war-craft?" Omaeda read out loud. "Burning Crusade, Wrath of the… Lick King, and Cataclysm."
Suddenly Sui was in his face making hushing noises, looking from side to side and waving her hands around. "Don't say it so loud!"
"Captain, what do you want this trash for?" Omaeda asked.
Sui backed away out of his face, but kept glancing around like the paranoid ninja she was. "Mayuri wouldn't regrow my arm unless I promised to…" Sui made a strangled noise. "With him."
Omaeda's face went pale. Even he wasn't so dense that he couldn't see the implications. "But, but, the other captains…"
In a loud whisper, Sui spelled it out, "They won't invite me to the Starcraft LAN parties anymore if they knew. They'll think I'm as bad as Mayuri." And then a spark of the normal Sui came back, "Don't. Tell. Anyone. About this."
"Snap out of your ridiculous flashback." Sui-feng's steel gray eyes narrowed dangerously. "And get your feet out of my face."
"Yes sir!" Omaeda said as he pulled his feet off his desk. Glancing down, he winced at the dirt left behind on the mother-of-pearl inlay. As subtly as he could – that is to say, with no subtlety at all, he pulled a gold thread embroidered handkerchief out of his sleeve and wiped at the ugly black smear on his desk.
"Where is this month's transfer report?"
Omaeda looked up again. His captain was scowling. Or at least, if that expression had been on anyone else's face, he would have called it a scowl. On her face, he called it 'business as usual.' "Transfer report?" he parroted back.
Sui's eye twitched. "Yes. The transfer report for this month. Where is it?"
For a moment, Omaeda considered telling his captain she should head to the Fourth to get her eye looked at. Or her blood pressure checked. She didn't look like she would have health problems, but if he, the great Marechiyo Omaeda, could have dangerously high blood pressure, then it could happen to anyone.
And then he thought about it again and decided that it was a bad idea. His captain was fiercely independent, and she'd hate it if he tried to take care of her, even if he was right and she did have potentially fatal blood pressure problems.
Sui's eye twitched again. "Where is it?" she repeated.
"Ah, transfer report," he said. Omaeda reached for the stack of untouched reports he'd been thinking about hiding behind, and started to shuffle through them. He was sure to make as much paper shuffling noise as he could because, in his experience, if you made more noise, people assumed you were being more productive.
"For a member of the Onmitsukidou, the amount of noise you are making is disgraceful," Sui said.
Omaeda winced and started shuffling as quietly as he could. He felt a bead of sweat start to form on his forehead and begin to trickle down his cheek. "Ah, it's here... somewhere," he muttered. Another bead of sweat began making its way down his face. "Somewhere... here!" he crowed, triumphantly clutching a piece of paper.
Sui snatched the report out of Omaeda's chubby fingers and rounded on her heel to face the door. "Even Matsumoto would get more work done than you," she said as she walked out.
Omaeda gave a great sigh of relief when the shoji finally slid shut. Gingerly, he wiped the sweat from his brow with his gold handkerchief. He wouldn't want the gold to tarnish. Did gold tarnish? Maybe his father shouldn't have fired that tutor after all. But the man had said the strangest things like, "It is physically impossible for your sword to turn into a giant wrecking ball because there is something called the Law of Conservation of Mass."
Lost in thought, Omaeda reached into his sleeve for another rice cracker. Food always helped him think. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.
CRUNCH. Tears sprung to Omaeda's eyes as he bit down on his tongue in surprise. He just couldn't win today...
The shoji slid back open violently to reveal a very angry Sui-feng, brandishing a piece of paper.
Omaeda resisted the urge to cower. She was angry even by her standards.
Sui-feng marched over to his mother-of-pearl inlay desk and slammed the transfer report down on it. Omaeda flinched. That was a really expensive desk. What if she cracked it?
"Why," Sui began, "is an arrancar transferring into my squad?"
"What?" Omaeda asked. He looked dumbly down at the piece of paper. He squinted at the name Sui was pointing at. "Ggio Vega? Who's that?"
"An arrancar. A dead arrancar," said Sui-Feng. "How does a dead arrancar end up in Seireitei anyway?"
Omaeda swallowed his half-chewed rice cracker. "Don't you know? All souls come to Soul Society when they die, including hollows. I thought everyone knew that," he said. "You just don't see them around much. Like the Americans."
"We have Americans in Soul Society?" Sui asked.
"Yes," said Omaeda. "Where did you think Tousen came from? Canada?"
"Oh," said Sui, too surprised by the course of the conversation to do much else.
Silence filled the room, interrupted only by Omaeda's loud chewing.
Sui-Feng shifted awkwardly from foot to foot, then turned around and left again.
Omaeda shook his head. His captain could be so clueless sometimes.
A/N: Well. This is my first Bleach fanfic, and it's my first fic in quite some time (I mostly gave up after middle school, but college changes people apparently). I probably wouldn't have written this except for the awesome and her story Locus of Control. I reviewed it, and then we started talking about the Yoru/Sui pairing, and now I'm writing fanfic. Weird.
Notice how I worked both Locus of Control and the concept of reviewing into that? Someone give me a cookie.