A/N: So, I wrote this baby a while ago, like last year. I never posted it because I considered making it a full length story. I kinda just want to share it and see the reaction to it first though.
Disclaimer: Twilight not mine. Rockin' that caveman speech ;)
This was it. I'd finally had it.
What purpose did my life have?
Who would even care if I wasn't here?
Anything that would tie me to this world I didn't have.
I'm an orphan kid. I have absolutely no idea who my parents are, if they wanted me, if they didn't. No idea.
Family is out, and with that love and affection too. The orphanage isn't exactly sunshine and rainbows. No, it's everyone for themselves.
Some kids in that place are just downright atrocious. I know from experience that life can be a real bitch. A real slap to the face. Absolute hell.
I know that sometimes you can feel so down about yourself that you just want to make someone else feel bad too. Treat someone else like crap because why should you be the only unhappy sucker?
Despite that, I'm never cruel to anyone without provocation. Well, I'm just never cruel to anyone in general. Other people however, like a certain bitch Lauren Mallory, take it upon themselves to leak hatred from every single pore. To people who already have enough things to deal with and who don't deserve it one bit.
Yes, I know from experience that life can be a real bitch.
I peek outside my door to see if the coast is clear. I really hope so because I don't want to deal with anything today. Today is the day it all ends.
Then again, maybe I should confront Lauren today. What did it matter; this would be my last chance. She wouldn't be able to hurt me anymore, because today was the day. So, running into her could be a good thing for once, right?
Shaking my head clear, I bolt to the stairs to get a clean getaway. I'm almost down the stairs and out the front door to another hell referred to as high school, when suddenly my clumsy feet trip over something.
Except it wasn't my clumsiness that knocked me down today.
My body painfully hits the floor with a loud smack. I think the evil hag might have broken my face…
I look up warily and sure enough Lauren is looking down at me with a victorious smirk and her hands poised on her hips. God I hate her….I want to rip her pretty blonde hair out.
"What's the rush Bella?" She manages to spit out my name like it's something as foul as a rotting corpse.
Slowly getting to my feet I can do nothing but stare at the floor.
I want to yell in her face and tell her to grow a heart. I want to tell her she's a mean spiteful bitch who enjoys torturing others because she was brutally raped by a group of boys at the young age of twelve. Worst of all, I want to tell her she deserved it, and liked it too.
I wince at that last thought. No one deserves that. But damn it all if she hasn't made me bitter.
Instead I keep my mouth shut and let her continue.
"Why so desperate to get to school? You're nobody. Who would want to see you?"
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
It's not true. It's not true…..of course it is.
"Hey Jessica! Get over here!"
Oh great, now she's bringing over her sidekick. Of course.
Jessica Stanley is the girl who lost her parents in some tragic car crash. She was brought to the orphanage when her other family didn't want her. She was nine at the time. I truly believe she was a nice girl before the whole thing happened. Now she's just Lauren's little lackey.
Jessica walks over to Lauren's side with an evil smirk of her own.
I don't mind though, this only reminds me why today has to be the day.
"Jessica, look at poor little Bella. Doesn't she look so pathetic? Don't you just want to smack her around a bit?"
"Why Lauren, that sounds like fun." They both take a moment to share a very pleased look.
I want to stand up for myself so badly. I should stand up for myself. But I don't.
I feel the impact from Lauren's hand hit me right across my left cheek. I don't have any time to recover before I feel my face being thrown to my left. Jessica managed to slap my right cheek immediately after Lauren smacked my left. Great timing Jess.
I keep my head down and my hands come up involuntarily to cover both my cheeks. They sting, badly. I know my pale face has two red hand prints on it.
I wait until they've walked away laughing to themselves.
When I'm sure that they're gone, I run to the door and hurriedly begin my walk to school.
It's not too far and I walk fast so I get there with some time to spare.
Phoenix is as sunny and bright as ever. The exact opposite of what my life is like.
When I get to the school I rush to my first class. I'm the first one there, which is the case most of the time.
I'm a senior this year, and we are only two months in. I turned seventeen recently, in September. I really hate having a late birthday. Everything is delayed.
I have to wait longer until I'm an adult. I have to wait longer until I'm free of the orphanage and of my tormentors.
Although when I really stop and think about it, which I do a lot, I have absolutely nowhere to go when I'm free to leave the orphanage.
That is a scary thought, but then I realize that I rather be anywhere than in that place.
Time passes slowly, and yet still manages to be a blur. It's lunch time. I don't feel like eating today. I never really feel like doing anything.
Today is different though. There is no reason to waste food.
I figure I might as well get it over with. I'm looking forward to this. I'm glad.
I head over to the place where I want to do this. I find it and open the restricted door. I would imagine that this door would be locked or something, but it's not. Lucky me.
I make my way up the stairs that lead to the other door, to my escape.
Opening the door I let the hot sun hit my face. I squint and cover my eyes with my hands.
No matter how hard I try, I cannot hate the sun. Even when my life is sad and all doom and gloom, I cannot hate the sun. I envy it, but I never hate it.
The sun is bright and wonderful. It's full of life and serves its purpose. But most importantly, what I envy most, it has a purpose.
I walk towards the edge of the school building, not the most original spot I admit, but who cares.
Once there I stop and look over the edge. Pretty big drop. I see some nice cars that will really cushion my landing. I snort and roll my eyes at myself. Such dark humor.
I stand there and really take a moment to remember everything. Suicide is not an easy thing to do, even when you feel like you have all the reasons in the world to do it.
I take a deep breath and remember.
I remember all of Lauren and Jessica's bullying. The wretched, horrible things that they did and said to me over the years.
"Bella, you're not very pretty are you? No wonder your parents didn't want you. You must have been an ugly baby."
"Hey Bella! Why do you bother doing homework? Do you actually believe you have a chance to do something with your life? Aww, does our little Bella think she's going to go to college?"
"Nobody loves you. No one cares if you die and disappear from the planet."
I see in my head Lauren and Jessica hitting me senseless. I remember the pain and the blood. All the blood…
I remember the bruises and how I had to cover them all up the best I could.
I remember the threats.
"Now Bella, you won't say a word to anyone about this. You hear me? Or me and Jessica will do to you much worse. Got it?"
I remember the feeling of absolute helplessness and worthlessness.
The emptying feeling of hopelessness and despair.
I remember how I have no memory of any real family. I remember how much I crave affection.
How much I wish someone would love me…
I remember what those desperate feelings cost me.
"Hey gorgeous, why are you all alone? Why don't you hang out with me?"
I remember the intriguing blue eyes and wickedly dashing smile.
"You're very beautiful. I'm sure you hear that a lot."
I remember the dirty blonde hair that always seemed to smell so nice…
"Would you like to watch a movie with me? It could be a real good time."
I remember how it was an amazing time. How he was a perfect gentlemen, and how he treated me better than anyone had my entire life. I remember how I felt like my life couldn't get any better and how when he was stroking my hair or kissing me I felt wanted for once.
I remember his sweet words that made me blush silly.
I remember all the stupid and childish fantasies I had of us eloping.
I remember the beginning of the end of my delusion.
"I want you Bella, all of you. I want us to be together. You want us to be together too, don't you?"
"I love you Bella. We're gonna be together forever baby."
His hands are everywhere. I want them everywhere. This feels amazing. I never want this to end. Love me, take me, and have me. I'm yours…
I remember the physical pain that seemed meaningless and unimportant compared to the significance of what we were doing. Surely this meant something to him too, he loves me.
I remember how careless he had been with me.
I remember how quickly he had changed after it was all done.
"That was fun babe, we'll have to do that again sometime."
I remember how he forgot my existence.
I remember how he didn't approach me anymore and how he suddenly had this red head wrapped all over him.
I remember how hard I cried and how I cried almost endlessly about giving something that I thought special to him.
And now standing here staring death in the face, I remember why I want to do this so badly.
Because I have no one in this world.
Because I am no one in this world.
Because quite frankly, this world sucks.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I lift one foot and start to lean forward. I feel a smile on my face for the first time since he left me.
I stop abruptly when I hear the door behind me close. I almost fall over but manage to stay in one piece on top of the building, for now.
First I want to know who was rude enough to interrupt me.
I turn around and there's a boy standing there with a brown paper bag in his hand. He's looking right at me with slightly widened eyes. He seems to have realized what I was about to do.
I hope he's really uncomfortable and leaves me.
As always, no such luck.
"Uh…would you like to have lunch with me? I always pack too much."
I stare at him blankly, because, seriously?
"I have ham sandwiches today." He shakes the bag with a small smile on his face.
"I also packed orange juice, and I think I snuck an apple in here…" I watch him dig in the crumpled bag and check. "..ah-ha! I did pack an apple." He looks up at me with a happy smile…over an apple…
Wasn't there something I was supposed to do? Oh yeah, kill myself.
Yet I find myself giving him my best "huh?" face.
At my puzzled expression he explains, "Everyone should die happy, or at least with a full stomach."
My jaw drops, and there's this voice in the back of my head that tells me I should yell at him and tell him to mind his own damn business. As usual though, I ignore my inner voice. The difference this time is that I'm glad I do.
Despite this being an extremely awkward situation, I want to laugh. Badly. I feel giddy at wanting such a thing that I haven't wanted in ages, not even with…James…
So I let the rare and precious emotion overtake me. And I laugh.
I explode into laughter and feel as if I have to take a seat or I'll fall over.
I step closer to him and fall to the roof ungracefully. I can feel tears running down my face as I clutch my stomach. Tears of laughter!
I never thought I would experience this glorious sensation, not to this extent. I didn't even mind that I could barely breathe in between gasps of air, or that I kinda had to pee.
When I finally calmed down the boy had managed to sit down across from me and was smiling at my laughter.
When I caught sight of his smile however, the little breath I had left my lungs. He was grinning crookedly at me, and he was beautiful…
So...Whatcha think? Ok, so if you've read my only other Twilight Fic I know what you're thinking. No. I'm not obsessed with suicide. I've never entertained the idea of killing myself nor do I know anyone personally who has. So forgive me if you know more about suicide and disagree with Bella's point of view.
Moving on, the line that Edward says about dying with a full stomach isn't mine. Read a little excerpt off a website called "Love gives me hope". If you don't know what the hell I'm going on about it's where people write small excerpts about something that well...gave them hope. Anywho, I just might make this a full story. That is if people show enough interest. Maybe if I got at least ten reviews..for once? :)