a/n: Okay since Samcedes is one of my crack!ships and Chord isn't coming back next season, (should I have said 'spoiler alert'? please don't hurt me.) I had to finish this one-shot before the season started and I got too depressed to finish it. I hope you enjoy it. As with all of my stories that aren't actually Puckleberry stories, there's only been like two, Puckleberry will of course show up in this story but Samcedes is the focus. I've never written for Sam or Mercedes but I really wanted to. I hope I didn't totally fuck this up. The title of this story comes from the Stephen Lynch song of the same name and I've loved that song since high school. It was so inappropriately funny to me so I had to use it here. Sorry. I hope you like it and review it! I don't own Gleeā€¦


Mercedes' dad was one big scary dude. Like seriously, he looked like he could beat Dwayne Johnson in a wrestling match with an arm and a leg tied behind his back. He was pretty sure that the guy could throw him like a football if he wanted to. Sam really just wanted to be alone with his girlfriend at her house but it seemed like Mr. Jones was always home. He didn't know what to do and he just wanted a little help.

Maybe asking Puck for advice wasn't the best idea in the world though.

The mohawked asshole was laughing at him. Practically falling off of the weight bench because he was laughing so hard. Sam punched him in the side to make him stop but it just seemed to spur him on.

"Dude it's not funny. I was asking for your help, not so you could get an ab workout laughing at me. Why do you gotta be such an ass sometimes?" Puck, to his credit, made an effort to stop laughing so hard but it was half-hearted at best.

"Come on man, are you forgetting that Rachel has two dads? I'm not exactly the person you wanna talk to if you're looking for sympathy. Besides, Mercedes' dad is cool. He taught me and Finn how to play football when we were kids. I don't know what you're so worried about." Puck's laid back attitude about the situation made Sam groan. He brushed his sweat-drenched hair out of his eyes and moved to spot Puck on the bench press.

"Okay, for one thing, when the guy taught you and Finn how to play football, you were little kids! Mercedes is my girlfriend, which pretty much guarantees that he hates me. We're never alone. If we go to my house, my brother and sister are always around. Her house is always empty but the second we try to do anything, her dad pops out of nowhere like a cock-blocking ninja." Sam helped Puck get the bar back on the rack but regretted not just letting it drop on his friend because the son of bitch started laughing again once he sat up. Once Puck caught Sam's stern facial expression though, he shrugged his shoulders and cleared his throat.

"So just mess around at school," he offered, as though that suggestion was actually helpful. "That's what me and Rachel do whenever her dads are gonna be home. Gotta tell you man, the dressing room in the auditorium? It's got a couch in it that's fucking perfect for, well, for fucking." Sam growled again and picked up two twenty pound free weights. If he didn't know Puck and Rachel as a couple, he'd never believe that Rachel would 'mess around' at school. But, he'd accidentally walked in on them in the choir room storage closet once and saw way more of his friends than he'd ever wanted to see.

"Mercedes would never go for that. Besides, you've heard her voice in Glee. We'd totally get caught." Puck snickered again but, at least that time, it wasn't because he was making fun of Sam.

"Hey man, it's the price we pay for dating the two loudest chicks in Glee, in the whole damn school. Rachel's totally worth it though. And you're like, in love with Aretha so you'll figure it out. I'm gonna hit the showers. Rach kinda hates when I smell like the weight room."

Sam chuckled as Puck walked away. The guy liked to make fun of him for being so into Mercedes, but he knew his friend was in the exact same spot with the tiny diva. But he still had a problem to work through. Sam decided to do a few more reps before hitting the showers too.


Mercedes was standing with Rachel outside the weight room. When Puck walked out, Rachel's face lit up like her name had just been announced for a Tony Award. Puck only nodded at Mercedes before grabbing Rachel up in a kiss that would've grossed her out at any other time. But right then, it just reminded her that she had a man that could and would do the exact same thing.

"Quit it Noah," Rachel half-heartedly chastised her boyfriend. Mercedes rolled her eyes playfully at the couple and laughed. Puck turned towards her with a smug grin and shrugged, completely unapologetic.

"Sam said he'd be out in a second. You want us to wait with you?" Rachel had already told her of the surprise she had for Puck waiting at her house so she shook her head.

"Oh you two go ahead. Puck, if you knew what was coming your way, you'd thank me and drive the both of you back to Rachel's house as fast as possible." She watched as Puck looked down at Rachel with disbelief. That look was short-lived however because as soon as Rachel's eyes confirmed what Mercedes had said, he was pulling her down the hallway mumbling about how she was the best girlfriend ever. Mercedes could only giggle to herself and return to leaning against the lockers as she waited for her own boyfriend, for whom she had a surprise of her own.

When the door opened and Sam stepped into the hallway, she smiled. His hair was still wet from his shower and tangled from the towel he'd used to dry it. He'd apparently thrown his shirt on before he was completely dry because some water droplets had soaked through the soft gray cotton fabric. Mercedes smiled up at him, wanting to press her mouth to his in the middle of the hallway.

"I have a surprise for us," she whispered once he was closer to her. Sam's eyes lit up just a little bit more and he grinned.

"You're gonna quit hitting me and rolling your eyes every time I do an impression?" Mercedes playfully hit his shoulder and rolled her eyes dramatically while Sam just slid his hand into hers.

"Easy there baby, let's not get crazy. There's this dental convention in Cincinnati this weekend. My mom and dad left this afternoon. So, I have the house to myself. I figured you could come over, keep me company. What do you think?" She couldn't help laughing when his returning smile reached his eyes with no effort at all. Mercedes knew that her boyfriend was borderline terrified of her father, and that they rarely got a chance to be alone. The few times that they'd been able to have sex only made her want him more but they could hardly ever find the time.

When she'd asked Rachel about it, the brunette had actually suggested 'one of her favorite janitor's closets' for them to use. At first, Mercedes had honestly thought her friend had finally gone insane. Having sex on school property, during school hours! It was crazy. But then she would get a glimpse of her own man and it was starting to seem like a good idea. So when she'd heard her parents talking about the dental convention, Mercedes conveniently suggested that they make a weekend vacation of it just to get them out of the house. She had needs!

"Okay," Sam started with a grin, "I'm pretty sure you just made me the happiest dude in like, ever." He cupped her face and gently pressed his lips to hers. But right when his tongue touched her lip, he pulled back. "Wait, your dad's not gonna mysteriously get sick and come home early or something is he? Because I might actually die if that happens, and not from blue balls. He would kill me, with his bare hands, and he would laugh while he was doing it." Mercedes leaned up and kissed him again, shaking her head a bit when she pulled away.

"He won't be coming home, I promise. You'll come, right?" Sam nodded his head and started to tug her down the hall.

"Maybe more than once," he replied with a cheeky grin. Mercedes rolled her eyes again but still leaned her head over on Sam's shoulder.

"I think you've been hanging around Puck too much. You're starting to sound like him. Just please tell me if I start to sound like Rachel. I love the girl to death but," she chuckled to herself, "she's a little crazy sometimes." Sam laughed and opened the door for her so they could go outside.

"Deal. I gotta stop by my house and grab some stuff but I'll be over there in about an hour. Cool?"

"Cool."


Sam parked in the Jones' driveway, right behind Mercedes' car, and grabbed his overnight bag. He wasn't completely sure that she'd let him stay all night but he needed to be prepared just in case. He'd packed a change of clothes and some movies but he was really hoping that the movies would be a last resort. Sam slung the bag on his shoulder and walked around to the passenger side so he could get the drink carrier from the Lima Bean out of the seat.

He rang the doorbell twice and waited. The door opened and he was greeted with Mercedes' smiling face. Sam held up the Lima Bean drink carrier and grinned at his girlfriend. "Caramel mocha frappuccino with an extra shot of espresso, just the way you like it." Mercedes took her drink out of the carrier and slurped on the straw, a satisfied moan slipping past her lips that caused a conspicuous bulge to appear in Sam's jeans.

"Trying to butter me up," she laughed. Sam chuckled as he moved in closer and swiped his tongue across her lips, tasting the coffee and her together.

"Is it working?" Mercedes took a step backwards towards the staircase and met his eyes.

"Maybe. But you should probably keep going just in case." She took another sip of her drink, knowing that he had yet to take his eyes off of her. But he hadn't moved away from his previous spot. "Sam, that means you need to come upstairs with me."

"Oh! Yeah, sorry. I was, uh, distracted." She laughed and crooked her finger at him.

"Let's get you distracted with other things then."

In her room, with Sam's lips on her neck, Mercedes couldn't help the utterly happy feeling she had. Of all the boys she'd ever pictured herself with, Sam had never really crossed her mind. But now that she had him, letting him go was the last thing on her mind. He was probably the sweetest boy she'd ever met. He made her feel like a queen. And when he kissed her, it felt like the entire world disappeared. Every time they were together, it was fun, not just perfect. She was pretty sure that she was in love with him. It scared her to death because she'd never wanted to be that girl. But Sam made her see that none of that mattered.

Later that night, Mercedes had her head on his chest listening as his heart slowed down. He'd made the joke earlier that he'd be coming more than once but the boy was good. Mercedes hadn't been sure she'd ever come down from that high. Sam's fingers were softly scratching up and down her arm in a soothing motion. She could tell that his other hand was slowly working the blanket down inch by inch and she wanted to laugh at him for being insatiable and horrible at subtlety. He took a deep inhale and made a 'hmm' sound. She didn't really know what that was supposed to mean.

"Hey Mercedes, can I ask you something?" That question didn't sound like the start of something good but she raised her head from his chest and looked at him.

"What," she questioned cautiously. Sam sat up on his elbows and smiled down at her. His hair was sticking up everywhere and he looked far too adorable than should be allowed after what they'd just done.

"Alright, don't take this the wrong way but," he paused a little too long for Mercedes' liking and she sat up too, grabbing the blanket to cover her chest.

"Spit it out," she ordered. He was startled by her tone of voice and knew immediately that she'd already let her brain take it the wrong way and he hadn't even said anything.

"Please calm down. I just wanted to know, well did you know that you, okay here it is. You smell like chocolate! Like seriously, a freaking candy bar that I just wanna eat and I can't figure out how you do that." That's when she burst out laughing. Sam breathed a small sigh of relief. At least she wasn't getting mad at him for being insensitive.

"Cocoa butter," she answered with a soft giggle, "I use cocoa butter." Sam leaned over and kissed her gently. But then he put his nose in the curve of her neck and noisily inhaled again which made her laugh and push him back on the bed.

"Are you gonna get rough with me now? Do I get to play with the cocoa butter? Am I gonna need a safe word?" He chuckled at his own joke but Mercedes just shook her head at him.

"Sam, if you don't shut up and kiss me, I'm going to tell everyone, including Puck and Kurt, that you like to be called 'my white chocolate chip' when we talk on the phone at night." When Sam laughed nervously only to be met with her 'I mean business' stare, he sat up and pressed his mouth to hers until the air in their lungs began to run short.

It was going to be a good night.

-fin-

Please review! Thank you!

Meagan (musicconsumes)