I remember when Luci fell. He fell, in part, because of me, Gabriel. We had loved each other as more than brothers. He was my lover and I was his.
Nothing ever came between us until Dad created mankind. Lucifer and I were acknowledged lovers and often made love. He was also very possessive and couldn't stand it if I showed love for anyone but him.
I was too much in love with him to ever really notice how dangerous he could be. He never hurt me while we were together, but anyone who showed even the slightest interest in me suddenly vanished and was never seen again. I didn't know he was doing it.
When Dad created humans, we were given their baby souls to care for. I got one, which was incredibly beautiful and pure. Luci immediately saw my love for the soul, even before I realized I loved it.
I took care of the soul for one hundred years, each day growing fonder and fonder. Lucifer's jealousy grew. Finally, he attacked the soul I loved as a mother loves her child. The soul that would become Sam Winchester.
Sensing something wrong while I was away, I returned to find my lover standing over the cradle in which Sam Winchester's soul lay. Reacting with a mother's instinct, I threw him away none too gently and grabbed the baby soul.
Lucifer recovered and stood, holding a blade I hadn't seen and glaring at Sam so hatefully that I finally saw through my love for him, saw how dangerous he was. When I did, I let out a gasp and fled with the baby.
I took him to Castiel, another of my brothers who had been given Dean Winchester's soul to raise. Cassie promised to keep him safe while I went to confront Lucifer.
Lucifer was still in a rage when I reappeared. When I told him we were over, he grew angrier and screamed things I never thought him capable of. He told me of the angels he murdered to make sure I stayed safe. That's what he called it! He called his possessiveness of me love and protection instead of what it really was. In our thousands of years of existence, he had murdered hundreds if they had even smiled at me while we talked. He was that greedy and that jealous. The only one he couldn't kill that I loved was Dad.
It didn't matter the type of bond I had with anyone. Luci wanted me to only love him.
When, in disgust I repeated that we were over, he grew angrier and threw me into the wall, starting a long drawn out fight. I didn't fight as well as I could, because I didn't want to hurt him, while he didn't care how bad he hurt me. It was stupid, because he won. He didn't stop until I was barely alive.
He raped me then. Just ripped my pants down and shoved inside me. Held me down as he fucked into me as hard as he could. I fell unconscious from the pain and didn't wake up till he was long gone. I remember struggling to sit up and the shame and tears as my blood mixed with his seed flowed out of me.
I prayed to Castiel and Michael and they both came at once. I remember Michael asking if Lucifer had done it and feeling greater shame as I nodded yes. Castiel, being a more sensitive angel held me in his arms, trying to calm me. He cried with me, horrified at my blood and fragileness. Together, they healed me. Healed my body, not my soul. It was beyond anyone's help.
Once Michael had gotten the full story out of me, he went to Dad and told him of Lucifer's crimes. Dad decided to banish him from heaven and Michael was the one who gave him the boot. I watched from afar as my former lover and brother turned his back on Heaven and left without a backward glance.
Even after all this time, I've never been able to heal. Until now. The soul I raised is now a man. A man who loves me and holds me close when I have flashbacks. He doesn't push me into anything and never gives up, even when I feel like it. Sam Winchester, thank you for sticking with me. I love you and always have.