I just recently discovered 'My Immortal' and, being the overly-opinionated bitch that I am, just had to make a commentary.
The story itself belongs to Tara Gilesbie, not me. The characters that she raped and FUBAR'd belong to JK Rowling.
I only own my commentary.

Let the torture-ahem- story, begin!
_

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way

That must make it a real sonovabitch to try and fill out paperwork…

and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears

Does anyone have any earthly idea what 'limpid tears' are?

and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).

I would bet a lot of money that if Amy ever read this she would promptly commit suicide for being dragged into it.

I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.

Whoa there, sweetie. If you want to screw him so bad, I think you should actually be happier that you're NOT related.
Can we say 'three-headed babies', anyone?

I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin.

What other skin color does pale come in?

I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England (Scotland…) where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black.

You're goth and you wear mostly black? How original! My best friend is goth and she wears nothing but pink! Thank you for clarifying the color of your goffickness!

I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.

Contrary to popular belief, these clothes DO exist. It's just that they shouldn't ever be worn.
(Except the combat boots, I love my commies)

I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.

I think that's called 'sleet', hon. And as long as there is a solar system, there will still be a Sun.

A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

Is this different than 'flipping people off'? Cuz I will SO use that as an excuse the next time I get caught flipping the bird at school!
"Were you flipping the populars off?:
"No ma'am, I was simply putting up my middle finger at them!"

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was….

The Grim Reaper coming to carry you to an early death? The Winchesters, wielding Dead Man's Blood and silver bullets?

Draco Malfoy!

Damn!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

Draco, DRACO MOTHERFUCKING MALFOY being shy? Bitch, I have no words.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

And I'm sure that Draco prayed thanks to all the Gods he could think of.

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

Chapter 3: Chapter 3

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

The next day I woke up in my bedroom.

Why your bedroom? Why not a tree outside your one-night-stand's yard? BE CREATIVE, TERA!
And another thing… Aren't vampires nocturnal? Am I the only one who's seen Dracula, here?

It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin

This surpasses facepalm. *Headdesk* ;lkja;dslfja;d

and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony

What other color does ebony come in, pray tell?

and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt

For some reason I just got the image of an MCR shirt the size of a King-Size bed.

which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress,

'Instead' would imply that you changed your mind about it.

a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on.

And the award for Repetitive Repetition goes to Tara wins the award for Repetitive Repetition.

I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears,

Pretty damn hard to put earring into un-pierced ears, ain't it?

and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)

Ay-ay-ay they invented e-mail and PM'ing for a REASON.

woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks

I've never tried flipping something with the aide of pink streaks before. How does that work?

and opened her forest-green eyes.

In that order, huh?
That's nothing. I usually get up and pee before I even open my eyes. One time I didn't open them until after I made breakfast!

She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

Ya gotta wonder if she actually said "Oh em eff gee".

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room

Waitwaitwait… I thought that Slytherins think that Muggles are like… The lowest form of existence. So why would they like Muggle bands?

and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

Bitchy much?

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

Nope, you don't like him at all *Rolls eyes*

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

Good Charlotte ARE? Shouldn't that be IS? Or did I just have a defunct English teacher or something?

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

We get that you like My Chemical Romance! Geez.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

Chapter 4: Chapter 4

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels.

Is it just me, or did that read as two different shoes?

Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.

I'm sorry, but I have to get serious for a second. The nonchalant 'cutting' reference here makes me so angry I don't even know what to say about it.

I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway.

Why can't she apply this logic every other fucking time she puts on makeup?

I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.

Draco is a member of a maniacal Pure-Blood family. A car is a Muggle invention, as are these bands. WTF

He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

I actually like guys in eyeliner, but I was thrown into fits of hysterics whilst trying to imagine Draco in this get-up!

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.

How do you do 'depressed' with an exclamation mark…?

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson.

That's one effed up mix-tape…

We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood
They're all so happy you've arrived
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom
She sets you free into this life."
sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).

Obviously you don't, because they actually makes SENSE.

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung,

*Sang

filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked

Telling your date that you think someone who isn't them is hot is generally a bad idea, genius.

as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

We got a smart one right here! *rolls eyes*

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

How do you really do that in a Mosh pit?

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

What'd Hilary ever do to her?

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into…

The Highway to Hell? A gateway to a nether-dimension in which you don't exist?

the Forbidden Forest!

Damn!

Well, that's the end of the first four chapters! Only forty more to go -.-
Why am I such a masochist?