I'm Not In Love
An NCIS FAnfiction
A WHN for the season 2 episode Plan B.
Hetty signed her signature with a flourish and closed the file with no small degree of satisfaction. It was always a relief when an operation was successfully concluded and there had been no loss of life or major injury. Except something kept nagging away at the back of her mind, a sense of unease that dug its claws into her consciousness and would not leave her in peace. There had been something about the look of devastation in his eyes that haunted her. Her team might be resilient, consummately professional, they might even kick ass – but they were only human, and they too had all the frailties associated with being alive, even if they tended to hide it rather better than most. Except for tonight. Tonight the mask had slipped to one side and she had seen the unguarded man, and it had worried her. Hetty had learned to listen to her feelings and to act upon them.
"It might be a good idea to make sure Mr Deeks is alright." Hetty cocked her head to one side, in a curiously bird-like movement. "The events of the past few days have been rather trying for him." He'd typed up his report and then left as quickly as possible, hardly saying a single word.
"Not just for Deeks - for all of us," Callen reminded her. One way or another, Ray Martindale and his wife Nicole had thrown some major spanners into the workings of what should have been a straightforward operation. But, in the end, it had all worked out alright: they'd got Sander's men, he was staying in jail and Ray had got away in one piece. Sure, Deeks had been forced to confront some things that would probably have been better left in the past, but he was tough: he cope with it. He didn't actually have much of a choice there, not if he wanted to remain sane. Callen knew all about drawing a line in the sand when it came to relationships and moving on. Only sometimes you needed a bit of help.
"Point taken, Mr Callen. But you did not have the emotional connotations to contend with." Hetty could remember the heartbreak only too clearly. Whille you could acknowledge the ineveitable, that did not make it any easier to deal with. And sometimes feeling crept up on you when you were least prepared to deal with them.
"Deeks will be fine. He's a big boy." Sam finished cramming his gym gear into his bag and stood, poised to leave and clearly not wanting to have to make a detour on his way home. Nicole had effectively commissioned a contract killing and the LAPD were holding her for questioning. There was no way Deeks could rekindle whatever sort of relationship they had once had. The guy just had to chalk that one down to experience. But maybe, now he thought about it, Hetty had a point. They could have a few beers together, maybe watch the game on tv? It wasn't like he had any actual plans, other than doing some laundry. And his shorts could probably last another day in any event. Sam looked across at Callen, who shrugged his shoulders, but before he could open his mouth, Kensi raised her head.
"He's my partner, so I guess it falls to me," she said with feigned nonchalance. This case had raised more than a few questions in her own mind, and she wouldn't mind getting some answers. Tonight was as good a time as any. "I am kind of worried about him."
"You sure? Sam and I could go grab some beers and join you?"
Kensi shook her head. "No, you go home. I'll drop by his apartment and make sure he's okay."
"If you're sure?" There was something about Kensi, not exactly in the words she spoke, but perhaps in what she did not say, that made Callen uneasy.
"Yeah. I'll make sure Deeks is alright. That's what partners are for."
Sam and Callen left together, glad to get out of the Mission for the evening. The operation was over, they'd written their reports and filed them away in the system. Mentally, they had already drawn a neat line underneath everything and moved on. Kensi wished she could do the same. Only that was the problem – she couldn't. She couldn't stop thinking about Deeks, thinking about watching him kiss Nicole and how she had felt as if the bottom had dropped out of her world. Which was complete nonsense, of course. It had just been a shock, that was all. Because she didn't feel anything for him. Nothing at all.
Deeks was her partner and that was all he was: and while he certainly meant more to Kensi than just a casual work colleague, he was absolutely nothing like a boyfriend or, God forbid, a lover. Any relationship they had was purely professional, and in any case, had been forced upon them. It wasn't as if she would have chosen him, had she been given a choice - which she most definitely had not been. No, they were partners and nothing more. Kensi knew she cared about Deeks, but that was only because he was her partner and she would have felt the same way about anyone else she was paired up with. Obviously. That went without saying. Working with a partner and developing a bond went with the job, it was part and parcel of what she did. They had a professional relationship, but it was nothing more. She felt nothing more for him than that. And, more than anything, Kensi knew she wasn't in love with Deeks. Because that would be ridiculous. He flirted with her as a matter of routine and she rebuffed him, with resigned expectation. That was the way it worked – the way they worked and it was the way it had always been right from the start. And in any case, Deeks flirted with everyone, it was just the way he was. Being charming was hard-wired into his system and it meant nothing. But sometimes it was hard to resist; sometimes he was very hard to resist. But Kensi knew the rules of the game and she stuck to them. Because it meant nothing at all to either of them. She wasn't about to make a fool of herself. Jack had done a great job on destroying her confidence when it came to love and there was no way she was going to expose herself to that sort of pain again.
Nicole, on the other hand, had meant something to Deeks. That had been obvious from the start and when he had kissed her… Kensi shook her head and stared up at his apartment window, wondering what she was doing sitting out here in her car, like some kind of stalker. There was a light on inside and she could see him quite clearly, leaning forward with his hands on the windowsill, staring out towards the infinite ocean. Kensi sat in her and watched him and wondered what it would be like to love Deeks – and to be loved back. And then she shook her head.
"Get a grip, Blye. You're not in love. You are definitely not in love, so don't forget it. It's just a silly phase you're going through." Maybe if she said it enough times, Kensi thought she might just start to believe it.
I had no plans to write this - until I heard the 10cc song "I'm not in love" this afternoon and slushy ploy bunny came scampering up and laid his little head on my lap. He looked so sweet that it was impossible to resist him - and this is the result. I hope you like it as much as he does.