"I'm home! I-is anyone here?" Tweek cracked the door and whispered to what could have been a robbed, occupied, blood-filled house, entered and ransacked while he was gone.
"I'm here. I'm always here,"a voice answered,which Tweek cautiously followed. They went through this routine – Tweek hesitantly checking the near-empty house for murderers and monsters, with Craig reassuring him of the opposite – nearly every day, but Craig never tired of it. He treated it with his usual apathy, because how could he not, but he still took pleasure in Tweek's return home each evening.
"Craig, it was terrifying!" Tweek cried as he entered the kitchen. "No lights were on, and no one was in the driveway, and – and –"
"It's still light out, I don't need any lights," Craig answered, "and we only have one car, which you – " He paused, seeing Tweek's confused and frightened face. "What?"
"Your... your outfit!" Tweek shrieked. Craig was wearing an apron, one Tweek had gotten him years ago, that said "Kiss me, I'm an asshole" on it. And nothing else. Except for socks. "Are you possessed by naked demons?"
"No. If I were possessed by naked demons, I would be naked. I'm not naked. I'm wearing an apron. And socks."
Tweek stuttered a bit before blurting out the first paranoid concern he had, "What if flies get stuck in your anus?"
"Um." Craig paused. "I don't think I have to worry about that. But if you really are worried, I'll put on underwear for you."
"I-I mean, you don't have to," Tweek stammered to the floor as Craig walked past him towards their bedroom, "I'm really sorry, I just, I just worry, because if a flie goes up there, and then I put my penis there, and the fly gets pushed into your intestines and – ahhhh!"
Arms reaching from behind stifled his scream. He struggled to turn around and saw that it was just Craig, returning from his quest for underwear.
"All better," Craig informed Tweek, and gestured towards the living room. "Why don't you set up Red Racer, and we'll watch this week's episode. I'll be there soon."
Craig waited until he was alone before picking up the phone to call home. Mrs. Tucker picked up.
"Hi mom. He didn't like it."
"Didn't like what, sweetie?"
"That Cosmo magazine you sent me. I got bored and read it. It said I should surprise my man. But he got worried about flies in my asshole."
"Flies in your – Craig, have you been taking it up the butt again?"
"No, Mom. He keeps missing."
"Oh, okay," her voice wavered, distracted. "Well, uh, keep some underwear on just in case, okay, dear? If one of you trips and accidentally penetrates the other – that wouldn't be very good, dear."
"Okay, Mom. We're gonna go watch Red Racer now. Bye."
"Bye, honey. I – I love you."
"You too, Mom."
They hung up, and mother and son returned to their separate living rooms. Craig to Tweek and Mrs. Tucker to... someone, no, something else.
"It didn't work, Master. He put on underwear."
"Well, fuck that little bitch!" the walrus in the middle of the room slapped the floor with a flipper in frustration. "What kind of shit STOPS being naked? What an asshole." The Ambien Walrus roared angrily.
"W-what do you need them naked for, Master?" Mrs. Tucker asked hesitantly, quickly adding, "Not that I'm questioning your actions, just maybe if I know what you need I can help..."
The Ambien Walrus focused his beady eyes on her, judging her, finally divulging, "I can't tell you everything now. But I need Tweek pregnant. That is very important. Then, when the baby comes out his penis... All will be revealed."
Mrs. Tucker furrowed her eyebrows, before finally lighting up with a smile. "I think I have an idea..."
And the mother and the walrus laughed maniacally, and somewhere, a child began to cry.
TO BE CONTINUED