Major Alex Louis Armstrong sat at his desk, bored. Well, not bored - being a man of his stature and excellent, he was merely contemplating the world, his mind lost in thought. This philosophical hobby had been passed down through generations of Armstrongs!
Specifically, he was contemplating an incident that had happened earlier in the day. Armstrong was strolling through the town's market, observing the vendors (and the ladies) that were there. He saw one lady struggling with her basket, overflowing with fruits and vegetables. He was there just in time, scooping it out of the air just before it hit the ground, dropping not a single item.
"There you go, ma'am, saved by strength and speed passed down the Armstrong line for generations!" he said proudly, posing with his muscles flexed for her.
"Er, whatever," she crinkled her nose at him, gave him a questionable look, and walked away, disapprovingly shaking her head.
"Wait!" Armstrong called after her, ripping his shirt off and revealing his sparkle-adorned ripped body, "I have muscles!"
And this left Armstrong, at his desk, wondering what had gone wrong, and what had made the girl act the way that she did. Was it possible... that girls did not react to his body in the same way that they did when his ancestors were alive?
He imagined what it would look like, for girls to respond how he wished they did. The vision arose in his head, of the cool, damp air, a forest closing in on them, not in a claustrophobic way but pushing them and their love together, the sunlight streaming through the leaves as if the world had its own sparkles.
They would be lying, the two of them, in the middle of a lush green, with only themselves in the world, no other worries. "I know what you are," she'd say, tracing a finger in a simple pattern on his chest.
"Say it," he'd reply, eyes narrowed with a sly and romantic grin. "Say it out loud." And then he'd wink, get up and stand directly under one of the aforementioned sunbeams.
"Amazing!" she'd giggle, and he would rip his shirt off, revealing his smaller but much more proportionally ripped body, covered in sparkles, and it would seem as though his skin were made of diamonds (or sparkly body lotion), and she would applaud, jump into his arms, and he would carry her all over the forest, just him and her, two little spider monkeys, in love.