Note: I tried to write this in a way that would portray Gintama's usual insanity. I hope I did not fail you, for then I'd have to go through seppuku, per Hijikata's rules. I made a reference to a certain anime here, as well. Let me know if I made it obvious enough.
(7/29/11: glaring typos mostly corrected, format fix'd, and added "aru" to a sentence.)
I am Hideaki Sorachi. I've always been Hideaki Sorachi. Gintama belongs to me, SO HARD.
The Smooth-Jazz Verdict
Mumbles fled from his lips as he carefully leafed through the new JUMP. Gintoki was lounging on the couch, shoe-sheathed feet rumpling and staining a cushion, his perfectly arranged messy kimono trailing on the floor, as he pondered Luf** from One *****'s latest action. Kagura lounged on the other, a piece of pickled seaweed shoved between her nimble lips as last night's rerun of Lady's 4 flashed before her eyes. She was perched like a captive child, her hands under her chin: propping her head up as her belly sunk into the couch. Her legs sashayed forward and back as the heroine sobbed dramatically. Further into the Odd Jobs' domain, Shinpachi scrubbed at the toilet bowl or did some other Shinpachi action. Someone lurked before the rice-paper and wood door, as their steady knock alerted the lazing characters. Gintoki continued reading, Kagura kept her eyes on the box with the moving figures. No one indicated that they'd heard anything. The rapping at the door grew louder and louder, until Shinpachi sighed and put his toilet bowl brush down or whatever Shinpachi item he held. As the slobs lounging sensed him pass, Gintoki quipped: "Tell them we're already subscribed.".
"If they're from The Edo News send them away like a gentle ship's descent after a soft, strong breeze, aru!", Kagura screeched, quickly returning to Lady's 4's dramatic scenes.
Shinpachi exhaled and remarked to the door, as he slid it open, "Excuse me, we already subscribe,". However, before him stood someone other than the usual newspaper salesmen, with their cheap suits and trembling, suffering auras of despair and disenchantment with life. Before Ginchan's Odd Jobs, rigidly standing, was a stiff power-suited woman with a perfectly straight bowl-shaped haircut, as though she spent every morning with a bottle of hair gel and a sturdy comb, and a sharp pair of scissors. She reached up to straightened her circle glasses, as light glinted off the right lens. Shinpachi froze.
"OI! The breeze is messing up my content JUMP reading, Patsuan! Send the starving salesman on his way and shut the door!", the silver-haired fiend yelled, after some pages fluttered, obscuring his view of Ori****'s massive cleavage, from Bl****.
The woman straightened somehow, more, in her royal blue power-suit. A grin appeared on her stoic face, as she looked inside and saw Kagura. Her eyes were obscured. "Sakata Gintoki, you're under arrest for encouraging truancy and child neglect. Shimura, Yato, you're now under my care.", she loudly boasted, her grin gaining malice and triumph: as she whipped a badge from her right pocket, displaying it to Gintoki's general direction and utilizing her left hand to whip back her hair from her face, releasing to the world her beady eyes and fully round glasses; and her magnificently wide and massive nori eyebrows. Gintoki paled in horror, and slid as much of his upper body as he could into the vending machine that suddenly popped up next to his couch, muttering for his time machine. Kagura switched to combat mode and aimed the dangerous end of her umbrella at the awkward woman, her thin eyebrows stabbing toward each other in rage. Shinpachi defrosted slowly, the word "DONDAKE" resounding loudly in his head. His face was contorted in shock.
"I knew you were a filthy slave trader," Okita snarked, suddenly appearing next to the sketchy woman.
"You're coming with me as well, underage shinsengumi.", the slick-haired, nori-eyebrowed lady spat. An amused chortle escaped from Hijikata, as he leaned on the balcony's railing, inhaling tobacco and nicotine.
"We've been watching you from Space, Sakata," she sneered, her large brows rigid and straight.
"I thought you people watched pirate kings and wily women with yellow vespas and guitars," the main character stated. He was currently tied to a rough chair, with stereotypical cheap rope, he lightly struggled against the rope, as he scrambled to find a way to free himself from his predicament.
"Yeah, where's T*kkun! T*KKUN! T*KKUN! HARU** NEVER LOVED YOU, YOU WERE THEIR SHINPACHI, ARU!", Kagura screamed from her place between a bound Shinpachi and a bound Okita. She was the only one not suspended from the ceiling by rope, instead bound in the same way as the lazy-eyed defendant. For some reason she chose not to break her bonds or the chair.
"Th-tho-those eyebrows...", Shinpachi vacantly stated, as madness threatened to take hold. The yoruzuya crew and Sogo had been taken by miscellaneous shinsengumi with secondary character facial features, basically Shinpachis without the glasses and different hair colors and styles- to a compound somewhere in Edo.
Sweat streamed down Gintoki's face as the haughty "social worker" told him how much he was guilty of. In a chair behind him squirmed Kondo, tied up in the exact same fashion. She finished her tirade: "You and that filthy Gorilla are also guilty of employing underage children to do dangerous jobs, WHILE ENCOURAGING THEIR TRUANCY. HOW OLD IS THE FOOL NEXT TO CHINA GIRL? 16? SHINPACHI'S THE SAME AGE AND DON'T GET ME STARTED AGAIN ON THE ILLEGAL AMANTO WHOM IS A DANGEROUS YATO VARIETY." Kagura sprang from her chair and her rope, breaking both, leaping at the case worker and tearing her eyebrows clean off with her teeth, devouring them quickly.
"AT LEAST MY EYEBROWS AREN'T STALE NORI, ARU!", Kagura screeched as the woman clutched at where her eyebrows used to be, a horrified expression on her face. The orange-haired bottomless pit sat herself cross-legged on the floor and began picking her nose.
"Calm down, lady. Have some camus.", a hardboiled-judge offered. He lounged at an upscale bar set, in the other end of the room, as low-volume smooth jazz permeated him.
"WHAT KIND OF COURTROOM IS THIS?", glasses-boy yelled, outraged and shocked, fulfilling his duty as straight-man.
"It's a manly kind of courtroom, a smooth jazz kind of courtroom, camus. It's hardboiled.", honey dripped from the lounging man, as he took a sip from his glass of scotch on the rocks. The door to the room opened, and a short somebody entered the room, accompanied by a Madao.
"Ah, the defense has arrived, camus. Is the prosecution done, hardboiled?"
"I told you to get someone top-notch, Hasegawa! Not some random kid!", hissed the perm-headed man. Hasegawa scratched the back of his neck apologetically.
"My idiot clients are mostly innocent, mister." a familiar snotty voice blandly stated. Gintoki strained to get a better peek at the kid, freezing in a shocked manner once he noticed the terrible haircut the boy sported. In the background, Kagura and Okita began bickering while Shinpachi looked around, flabbergasted.
The low smooth jazz drifted to the boy, entering his soul completely, and rendering it... hardboiled. His demeanor changed immediately. "You have any bourbon?", he asked of the judge, as his face became dark.
"Camus. Of course I have bourbon, I'm a hardboiled type of man.", the judge smiled smoothly at the suave boy, understanding slipping through the two of them; as a bartender somehow handed him a bottle. Daigoro stepped up onto a bar stool next to the judge, as the aforementioned bartender slid him a glass full of shining ice and the hardboiled man poured him a smooth, hardboiled stream of bourbon, camus.
"THE BAKUFU GAVE ME SPECIAL LEGAL POWERS AS A SOCIAL WORKER, JUDGE, AND YOU JUST GAVE A CHILD ALCOHOL.", the formerly intensely-browed power-suit woman screeched, anger rampant in her voice. The smooth jazz suddenly ceased playing. The hardboiled man-judge turned to the outraged woman, impatience written in a manly way across his hardboiled face.
"SINCE WHEN DOES JAPAN HAVE THESE KIND OF LAWS!" an astounded Shinpachi asked.
"Shh, Pachi! You're making the writer look bad, aru!", Kagura quipped, pausing her argument with Okita.
"Is she also a fine Gorilla like Sorachi?", Kondo asked, excited.
"IDIOT! OBVIOUSLY she's a FLEA." Gintoki stated. Everyone in the room stared at him. "She's not Sorachi, but she's leeching off his creativity, so she's a flea.", he continued. Everyone nodded, this apparently making plenty of sense. The hardboiled man turned back to the social worker.
"Send the kids to school, camus. They seem pretty hardboiled to me, but a camus-infused education wouldn't do any ravishingly manly harm, camus.", was the judge's verdict as the smooth jazz started up again, ear-boilingly loud,while he and Daigoro sipped their respective alcohols in a hardboiled manner. Camus.
"Tune in next time, for the second installment of this rousing, dramatic story! Take it away, Taka-tin!", the flea ordered.
"Yus!", Taka-tin stated, as he began to dance.