I think there's something wrong with me.
I slowly pulled the knife across my cheek, opening up a thin cut. I moved the knife to my shoulder and opened a deep gash there.
My entire body was riddled with the same cuts and gashes, and there were some scars from cuts made not long ago. I looked like hell all the time; my skin was only a shade away from being stark white, under my blue eyes were deep bags from where the pain had caused me to be unable to sleep, and I was getting so thin I looked sick.
I dropped the bloodied knife onto my bed and turned my head to look in the mirror bolted to my crooked closet door. The open cuts crying dark blood contrasted greatly with my white skin, making me look even sicker. My pale blonde hair was disheveled and greasy but I didn't care, I just pulled on my orange parka and matching sweatpants before making my way for the door.
My parents were passed out drunk, my mom at the kitchen table and my dad on the couch. I could leave looking the way I do without them even noticing. Hell, even if they had been conscious, they wouldn't have cared and I still would've been able to leave looking like this.
I drug my feet going down the street, knowing exactly where I was going: my best friend's house. He would help me without yelling at me or telling me I needed to stop doing this to myself, and he would understand that I wasn't going to tell him why. I know this because he's done it before.
I rang the doorbell of the two story house in front of me and waited. I really hoped he was home today, though I had little doubt he wasn't. Regardless, I was still relieved and happy to see his spiked blonde hair, light blue eyes, and thin frame answering the door.
"Hello?" He smiled at me when he saw it was me at the door. "Hey Kenny."
I smiled a bit too. "Hi Butters."
Immediately, Butters pulled me into the house by the sleeve of my parka. He knew why I was there, it was the only reason I ever came over unannounced. He led me up to his room and pointed at the bed. "Sit over there; I'll go get the bandages."
I nodded and stripped off my parka and sweat pants. I felt sticky now that my blood was drying against my skin. The one on my right thigh was particularly bad since it was deep and long. As I sat there waiting, I got lost in thought.
At first I had retreated to Butters' house when my parents beat me a year ago because my other friends, Stan and Kyle, weren't exactly the best people to share shit like that to since they were bad at listening. I had figured Butters would listen and forgive me if I started to cry - which I did, quite a few times. He sat there and listened, and then would let me cry and hold me as he told me comforting words. There were even nights I fell asleep crying in his arms.
It had felt weird at first, crawling to and getting comfort from someone I had all but hated for years. But after a while it felt natural and like it was meant to happen. I loved that I had somewhere and someone to just be there for me without wanting anything in return, and it wasn't long after that that Butters became my best friend.
I looked over at him as he walked back into the room with gauze bandaging and disinfected in his hands. He sat next to me and started cleaning the cuts.
A few months ago, the beatings finally stopped but my parents began to get so drunk that they couldn't hit me. They just passed out and expected me to fend for myself. I was relieved when it stopped, but I was so afraid of losing the connection I had made with Butters that I began to mutilate myself just to have an excuse to see him all the time.
I think he knew that that was the reason I was always cut up but didn't say anything.
Butters tightened a gauze bandage around my arm and then slid off the bed to kneel next to my still bleeding thigh. He started disinfecting it and said softly, "Ken, I…I know you want to see me all the time, but you have to stop this."
My eyes widened slightly and fixed on the bit of his face I could see, now light red. "You actually…called me out on…this?" I gestured to the cuts.
He tied a knot in the bandages and then hung his head. "Y-Yes. I'm just so worried about you!" He looked up at me; there were tears in his eyes. "You don't have to continue doing this to yourself to see me! I wanna see you all the time, not just for this! We could go to the movies, or get something to eat! Anything! It's just," his hands rested above a cut on my knee, "you look so sick," a few tears fell and I felt my heart breaking with each tear that fell down his face, "and I feel like somehow it's my fault! Please Kenny," he grabbed my shoulders, ignoring the blood that got on his hands when he did, "stop this!" A second later, his lips were against mine.
I froze when he did, unsure of how to react. I felt something there that I hadn't felt with anyone I had ever fucked or dated before, and it scared me a little. Was this feeling the reason I had kept coming back after that first time? But, why was I feeling this for Butters? I figured if I would fall for a guy, it would be for Kyle or Stan, not Butters, not the person I had hated for years and only became so close to because I had taken advantage of him at first.
My hands rested on his hips and pulled him closer to me, deepening the kiss.
Suddenly I broke the kiss and pushed Butters away from me. No! No, I couldn't be feeling this for him! He can't love me!
More tears fell from his eyes and I felt like a serious jerk. He hung his head in what I assume was shame and muttered, "I…I'm sorry Ken… I d-didn't realize that th-that would be out o-of line…"
I stood up. "Butters, don't cry." I lifted his head up so I could look at his eyes and couldn't control myself. I kissed him again, feeling the same thing I felt a moment ago. I released him and stepped back. "Oh God…"
"Kenny?" He took a step towards me and then stopped when I stepped back again. "W-What's wrong?"
I shook my head and pulled my pants on. "This can't happen Butters, you can't love me."
"Why not?" His voice was rising, he was getting agitated.
Because I've hurt you so many times and regardless of what we feel, I don't deserve you. You could do so much better.
At least, that's what I wanted to say. Instead I pulled complete dick move and said, "Because I don't love you! I've never loved you like that and I never will!"
There was a moment of silence before Butters' shaking voice managed to get out, "Y-You're l-l-lying! You w-wouldn't have k-kissed m-m-me again if y-you d-d-didn't l-love me!"
I shook a bit at those words. He was right, I wouldn't have kissed him again if I didn't love him, but he could just do so much better. "I don't love you!"
He stepped towards me again, this time I didn't move when he did. He rested his hands on my chest. "Liar…"
I started shaking, resisting the urge to tell him he was right and pull him into my arms. I hated lying to him and making him cry, but this couldn't happen. Butters had to be with someone else. I shoved him to the ground and then looked away when he looked up at me with heartbreak in his tear-filled eyes. "I'm not lying. I will never love you." I grabbed my parka and ran for the door before he could stop me.
Outside I shrugged my parka on and then walked for…well, I wasn't sure, I just started walking. A few tears fell down my face as I walked. I hated that I did that to Butters because I do love him, but I don't deserve him. He needed someone who could give him everything he wanted and more, someone he could be proud to say that he was with. I wiped the tears from my eyes. I wasn't that person.
I looked around where I was and saw I was standing in front of Stark's Pond. I looked down at the thin ice coating the pond and thought about carefully walking out into the center of the pond. All I'd have to do was stomp down and then ice would break, sending me plunging into the freezing cold water to drown.
I stepped forward and lightly walked on the ice towards the center of the pond.
"Ken!" I stopped and looked back over my shoulder to see Butters standing there. What was he doing here? "Stop! What're you doing?"
I looked forward again; the center of the pond was only a bit away. I could continue to walk and just die as planned…but I didn't move. I didn't want Butters to see me die even though he'd forget in the morning when I came back. "Go home Butters!"
"No!" There was the sound of straining ice and I whipped around to see Butters taking unsure steps on the thin ice.
My eyes widened and I yelled at him, "Butters stop! You don't know what you're doing, you could fall through!"
"So could you!" He yelled back and then took another step.
"STOP THIS AND GO HOME!" I screamed, terrified that he was going to fall through the ice.
"NO!" He screamed back. "Ken, whatever you're doing…I don't want you to get hurt! Please," he reached out for me, "come back with me. We can forget everything that happened earlier, but please just come back over here."
I shook my head. "No, you know we won't forget. Now get off the ice Butters, you'll get hurt."
"You can too." He kept walking towards me.
"Stop." He kept walking. "Butters, stop!" He still kept coming towards me. "Stop! Go back!" I heard something crack and looked down at where Butters was walking. Shit, the ice was cracking! "Butters stop, the ice is about to break!"
He finally stopped and looked down just as the ice began to spider web around him. He looked back at me with fear deep in his eyes. From where I was standing I could see him shaking with that same fear I could see in his eyes. He opened his mouth to say something just as the ice broke and he fell through.
"BUTTERS!" I ran towards him without thinking and fell through too.
Under the water I had to force my eyes to stay open as I swam towards the hole in the ice where he had fallen through. The water was stinging my exposed skin and beginning to do the same to my covered skin and the cuts across my body. Butters, where are you?
I swam deeper when I saw a flash of yellow hair below me and found him already passed out. Dammit! I grabbed his arm and swam up towards the now shattered ice floating on the surface of the pond.
I broke through the water and gasped for breath. I pulled Butters under my arm, being careful to keep his head above the water, and swam for the snow covered grass next to the pond.
I dragged Butters onto the snow and gently smacked his face to see if he would wake up. "Butters?" I checked for a pulse and found a shallow one. "Shit!" I started doing CPR, hoping to wake him up. "Butters, wake up!" I heard an ambulance in the distance heading towards us; someone must've seen what happened. "Damn it all!" I blew air into his mouth and then took his pulse again, no change. "Wake up! Dammit Butters!" Tears fell from my eyes. "Wake up!" A sob escaped me. "You were right! I love you, please wake up!"
It was then that the cold hit me and my body felt suddenly weak. I fell over next to Butters as black threatened me. I gripped onto the sleeve of his wet Hello Kitty jacket. "Please," I said weakly, "wake up…"
My eyes slipped closed and I passed out.
I woke up alone, nothing different about that, but this time I wasn't in my room, I was in a hospital room and in a hospital bed. What? I forced myself to sit up a bit, ignoring the aching pain that shot through me when I did. I didn't die? But…how?
I looked down at myself, all of my cuts were bandaged - the doctors who treated me probably thought they were from the ice - and I was wrapped in three blankets. I wondered how long I was out for.
Wait, what about Butters?
I looked at the other bed, expecting him to be there, but it was empty. I looked in the chair on the other side of my bed, thinking that maybe he was feeling better and just watching me as I slept, but no one was there. Where was he?
Then, as if on cue, the door opened. But the smile that was suddenly on my face dropped when I saw Stan step into the room. He isn't who I wanted to see. I sighed and ran one hand through my hair when he sat down. I had noticed his eyes were red and puffy. Was he crying? "Hey Stan."
"H-Hey Kenny…" He'd been crying alright, his shaking voice told me as much.
I looked back over him. "Why were you crying?"
I saw a lump form in his throat as he visibly tried to hold back a sob and I suddenly got a sinking feeling. What had happened? "Kenny…it…it's Butters, he…" He covered his face with one hand.
Butters? "What happened?" When he didn't answer me, I yelled, "Stan, what happened?"
"He…" He looked at me with tears flowing freely down his face. "He didn't make it."
My eyes widened and I fell back against the back of the hospital bed. What? Butters was…?
"The doctors said his heart was too weak." He let out a sob and then continued, "They tried everything, but…he couldn't be saved."
Butters was dead? But he was still alive when we got out of the pond! He couldn't have died! No, he…he can't be dead! I tangled my fingers into my hair as I bent my head down and began to sob. He can't be dead! Butters cannot be dead! He just can't be! I…I…
My legs pulled up against my chest as my sobs became heavier. "I never got to," another sob ripped from me, "to say goodbye!"
Stan's arms wrapped around me comfortingly. He was sobbing too. "I know."
And he never got to hear that I love him. That he was right and I was just saying that I didn't because I thought he could do better.
Why didn't he listen to me when I told him to stop?
…Why didn't I just tell him that I love him?