Heaven...isn't exactly what people think it is.
The priest in church always said that Heaven was this amazing place where your soul goes to for being good during your life. Well, I've been to Heaven four times, this time being my fourth, and I can honestly say that he was wrong. And that pissed me off every time I came here.
It wasn't just the fact that the place was overrun with Mormons, or that for some reason Saddam Hussein was running a "chocolate chip factory" on Cloud Nine, it was just the fact that it wasn't what we were taught that really made me mad at that damn priest. Sure, it was pure, the ground was made of clouds, and above me was a crystal clear blue sky that stretched for miles, but it wasn't everything we were taught.
God wasn't some mystical human-shaped being, He was...well, I guess He would be called a mutant, or a Chimera - it depended on who you talked to. The Archangels weren't pure beings with no sin tainting their souls; hell, Archangel Michael was addicted to sniffing dry erase markers! And every time I saw someone who wasn't a Mormon, they were bashing the Mormons and saying that their "crazy asses shouldn't be allowed in such a pure place." All I could do was sigh and wait out the time until my soul returned to my body on Earth once again.
I sat down on a small cloud and just stared at the clear sky above me. Some days I wondered if I would be better off just talking God into letting me stay here. I glanced over as I heard a Christian yelling at a smiling Mormon about something or another and just sighed. Screw this place, I'd rather be in Hell, (maybe I could convince God to at least send me to Hell as a Fallen Angel every time I came here), at least there I could be spared the yelling Christians.
How many hours have past since I died? I wondered. Time was different in Heaven, it moved at a far slower rate than time on Earth, which was what kept everyone's souls from aging but once every thousand years in this place - Archangel Michael told me that one night when we were sharing some weed, (I told you, the Archangels aren't without sin, though I'm not entirely sure how he got the weed).
"Kenneth?" I looked back at the familiar voice. Speaking of the Archangels, standing behind me was Archangel Gabriel.
"Hey Gabriel," I greeted with an absent wave. "What brings you over to me tonight?"
The Archangel sat down next to me and stared up at the sky as well. "God is concerned at your absence lately. It has been nearly a year since your last visit and our records indicate that you've died one-hundred and fifty-seven times since then."
I chuckled and leaned back on the cloud to just lay there and stare at the sky. "Well, this time I died before I could 'sin.'"
"And the sin you committed before you died before this?"
I smirked delightedly. "I got drunk and fucked the neighbor's wife until she passed out."
"And what killed you?"
"Her husband," I laughed. I didn't think it was a big deal, but a shotgun blast to the skull hurts like hell I must say.
Gabriel sighed and looked at me seriously. "Kenneth, this is no laughing matter. God's seriously considering simply barring your soul from Heaven permanently even though you only stay for a few hours at a time."
"Because you've only been here four times throughout all your seventeen years. He gave you this blessing of immortality for a reason."
"Blessing?" I shot back up and glared at the Archangel. "My immortality isn't a 'blessing,' it's a goddamn curse!"
Gabriel shushed me when people began to look over at us. "Don't curse the Lord's name here Kenneth."
I raised my middle finger. "Fuck you Gabriel! This immortality is a curse! No one ever remembers me dying even if I'm shot, or stabbed, or burned in front of their very eyes! Tell me how my friends never remembering my death or even believing me is a goddamn blessing! And why God gave me this curse anyway!"
He sighed and shook his head. "You're destined for greatness Kenneth, just trust me on that matter." He stood and faced me. "I'll have to report this conversation to Him, you realize this? Your curses will be noted for His decision to bar your soul."
I shrugged. "I don't care." I pulled my knees to my chest and rested my chin on them. "I just wanna go back to South Park, where I belong."
He sighed again and nodded. "It's time for you to go back anyway."
I looked at him as he waved and my vision turned black.
When I opened my eyes again, I was laying in my bed in the same orange parka as usual. I sat up and looked out the window my bed was next to. It was snowing; I hated snow, it reminded me too much of that place that's not exactly what we were taught it was. And that pissed me off.