Summary: Connor doesn't exactly remember when he first learns about his mother.
A/N: This is my first Angel fic and probably the only one I will ever write. It's not the greatest thing so it might be a bit lacking in some areas. I hoped to convey Connor's longing for a mother figure since we never really know how he felt about Darla. In my fic, Connor finds out about Darla a little bit later. I think Holtz mostly focused on directing Connor's anger and hatred towards Angelus, and left the subject of Darla alone because she was already dead. Hence, all the ignorance about how Angelus' history (except for the gruesome details of his crimes). It's kind of short, but I hope whatever flaws it has doesn't deter you from a pleasurable reading experience.
Disclaimer: I do not own Angel or its characters, they belong to Joss Whedon.
Time passes differently on Quor'toth.
There is no day or night or minutes, hours and seconds. Connor doesn't exactly remember when he first learns about his mother. His father had always talked of Angelus and of God's Will, but never about Connor's mother. His real mother. In his mind, he sees a woman with kind eyes and a beautiful soul, a smile so radiant it makes his chest hurt every time he thinks of what that foul Angelus must have done to her.
It sickens him when he thinks of Angelus, of the blood that he never wanted running through his veins. It is through him that he is able to smell blood and fear, to crush an enemy with his bare hands, to be able to act and think like some kind of a vampire.A demon.All that Angelus has ever given him is the ability to kill and destroy and one day he will use these things against him just as his father would want, just as God willed.
Connor knows that there are some things that he has that Angelus can't have given him. A soul, a beating heart, humanity.
And he knows that these things must come from his mother. He can't be a monster if his mother had these things.
When he finally becomes old enough to learn the truth, everything suddenly becomes clear. His whole world is turned upside down and the ugly face of reality laughs at him as seeks out demons to kill, kill, kill because that's what he's made for.
Darla. Childe of the Master. Sire of the Scourge. Murderess.
"She killed herself to give birth to you," His father tells him after he had relegated the horrific tale of how he and his parents had met those long, long years ago.
She killed herself to give birth to you.
Those words echo when he faces Angelus for the first time, with only the thick bars separating them. Cordelia told him that Angelus loved to play mind games, to strike at weaknesses and twist half truths.
Half lies, half truths.
He knows it doesn't matter because he knows the truth. He knows that Angel is a facade, he knows that his mother is a demon who committed suicide before he was born, he knows that everything he's been told is lies.
He later encounters the ghost of his mother, and it was the one of the only times he's felt a peace of any sort. She is lovelier than he could have envisioned, only marred by the evil of her past. Her voice is sweet and her expression is forlorn, and his breath catches when she tells him of the connection they shared. For that brief time, he wishes that he and his mother were still one. To have something that he's never truly experienced, to be the object of such devotion and love.
Mother, he thinks to himself and it is the first time he's ever been able to think of it with pride and longing.
Then Cordelia points out the sick, twisted lie that he couldn't see and he is angry that he has been fooled again. That this false spectre has managed to get inside his heart and tell him sweet lies to distract him from the goal.
Your mother had no soul, he remembers Holtz telling him. The truth once again emerges and it is with this reason that he drags the girl to the other room, leading the sheep to her slaughter.
When Cordelia brings down the dagger, he can feel and taste the blood and see his mother's face.
She's a lie, he tells himself and he believes it.