Title: The Annoying Genius Conundrum
Fandom: Criminal Minds/The Big Bang Theory
Characters/Pairing: Sheldon Cooper, Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia - gen
Summary: Sequel to "The Behavioral Analysis Mutiny". Somehow, against all odds, Sheldon Cooper had become an accepted member of the team.
Author's Note: As an aside, would anyone be interested in reading the other side of the story where Leonard somehow rooms up with Reid?
Emily was hyperaware of a dark shadow hanging over her shoulder.
'What do you want, Sheldon?'
'I'm ready to go home now.'
Emily bit her lip. Ever since Doctor Cooper had joined the Behavioral Analysis Unit, Morgan had taken it upon himself to ride his motorcycle to work every day, which somehow meant that it fell to her to take the younger man home.
'I'm not finished with my paperwork,' she told him, leaving out the fact that she probably would have finished it hours ago if he didn't continually interrupt with tirades about absolutely everything.
'I've already finished mine,' he told her, the look on his face suggesting that he was about to go off on another tangent. 'I suspect that if every agent at the FBI had my intelligence, then the crime rate would drop significantly.'
'And if every FBI agent were like you, then we'd all wet our pants the moment we got within twenty feet of an armed serial killer.'
There was a pause.
'I'm conducting experiments in the processes of the amygdala – I'm confident that within the next few years, it will be possible to abolish fear altogether. Of course, this may also have some effect on other emotional responses.'
'Wouldn't it be easier just to turn yourself into a cyborg?' Emily said, realization dawning half a second too late. It was always the same – no matter how much she tried to keep the nerdiness under wraps, it always seemed to spring back with twice the force.
Evidently, Sheldon did not notice her horrified look. 'You might think that,' he agreed. 'But I wouldn't want to run the risk of being controlled by robot overlords, or accidentally letting a malicious artificial intelligence loose on the world.'
'Of course not,' Emily muttered. Because that would be so much worse than Sheldon Cooper as a regular human being. Relatively speaking, of course: "regular" wasn't a label she was quite ready to apply to him yet.
They'd barely started out of the bullpen when Sheldon said something that made her stop in her tracks. 'I need you to take me to see Green Lantern this weekend.'
'You can't catch the Metro?'
He stared at her, as if she'd grown a second head. 'No.'
Emily sighed. Driving him home was one thing, but taking him to the movies – that was something that she was going to need back-up for. 'Come with me,' she instructed. To her relief, he didn't argue.
'Where are we going?'
They were going to Garcia's office, because if there was one person on the planet that could counter his personality, it was Penelope Garcia. After just a couple of months of his tenure in the BAU, she had somehow managed to simultaneously put him in his place, and mother him like crazy. It was bizarre.
Emily knocked on the door, and Garcia swiveled in her chair.
'Hello, Penny,' Sheldon said sullenly.
'Hey there, snookums.' She came over and wrapped him in a hug, which startled him at first. He didn't pull away though, which was practically a freaking miracle.
Emily was startled when she, too, was pulled into a hug. 'What was that for?'
'Nothing – just giving my two favorite nerds a nice welcome.'
'Right. Do you want to come and see Green Lantern this weekend?'
'That would be awesomesauce,' Garcia said excitedly. 'Do I have to dress up?'
'"Awesomesauce" is not a word,' Sheldon told her. Garcia simply pinched his cheeks. Emily tried to contain her laughter. Dealing with Sheldon was almost worth it to see the two of them together.
'Okay, well, we'll see you tomorrow,' Emily said. 'Come on, Sheldon.'
'Can we stop at the comic book store?'
Emily rolled her eyes. 'Fine,' she said. She actually didn't mind the comic book store as much as she let on, but Sheldon was making the whole "pretending not to be a nerd" thing pretty damn difficult.
'For the record, I think Green Lantern sucks,' she said bluntly, as they walked down to the parking garage. It was an overstatement of her feelings on the franchise, but damned if it wasn't fun to rile him up about it.
He gave her a horrified look, as though she'd just kicked his puppy. 'Green Lantern does not suck,' he protested.
'I just think it's pretty poor writing to have a ring that can do just about anything.'
'It can't do "just about everything,"' Sheldon protested. 'It's vulnerable to the color yellow.'
'And that's another thing. I mean, sure, the Green Lantern Corp are a powerful law enforcement force that give rings of power to those who've earned it. Wouldn't they have at least made sure that they got rings that weren't vulnerable to yellow? And who's to say that their choices aren't completely wrong?'
Sheldon didn't answer, but Emily suspected that his mind was working on creating a logical and (in his mind) witty response from his stores of Green Lantern memories.
'I'll admit, it's an interesting philosophical quandary,' he said, which was as close to admitting defeat as Emily would ever get from him. 'But he doesn't suck. To suck implies that some kind of vacuum is in effect.'
'Maybe we should test it out in a vacuum and see if you suffocate,' Emily suggested.
Sheldon didn't seem perturbed by the thinly veiled threat, but then, Emily imagined that with his personality, he'd been getting them for a long time.
'Would you like to come inside?' Sheldon asked, when she dropped him at his apartment building. The look on his face made her seriously wonder if they'd actually recruited a serial killer into the FBI.
'Um…why?' she asked, not quite meaning to sound rude, but at the same time not fully understanding his motivations for asking the question.
'It has recently come to my attention that there is no-one in my life who could be considered a "friend" and I am attempting to rectify that fact.' Emily almost felt flattered, until he added. 'You weren't my first choice, admittedly, but as a colleague it presents what we might call a "friendship of opportunity."'
'Gee, I can't imagine why you don't have any friends,' she muttered.
'No, neither can I,' Sheldon said, thoughtfully. 'I suppose they're all intimidated by my vast intelligence.'
'Yeah, that's probably it.'
But, because it was probably a good idea to maintain at the very least, a civil friendship with her colleagues, Emily reluctantly followed him up to his apartment.
It was quintessential Sheldon. Everything seemed to have a perfect, practically obsessive order to it. Books arranged both alphabetically and by genre. The sofa at an exact right angle to the wall. She wondered if his closet was organized by the day of the week.
'Would you like some form of beverage?' he asked, in what was apparently his attempt at making her feel more comfortable.
'What do you have?'
'Water,' he answered. 'I don't drink alcohol or caffeine, and the milk is for use with cereal only.'
Of course. Like she should have been surprised. 'Water is fine,' she told him, accepting the glass when he handed it to her.
'This, I assume concludes our interaction for this evening,' Sheldon announced, once she'd finished her glass of water. 'I will see you tomorrow morning at eight a.m. Please try not to be late this time.'
A thought suddenly struck Emily. 'I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning,' she told him, which was actually true. 'I'll get Morgan to come pick you up. He's not far from here.'
Sheldon's look immediately turned to horror. 'But he'll be riding his motorcycle!'
Emily pretended to look concerned. 'Gee, Sheldon – it's either that, or catch the Metro.' She gave him a smile and a wave. 'See you tomorrow.'
She really hoped that Morgan would take some pictures.