Title: The One Where There's Only One Left
Started: In June…or maybe even May…I miss my laptop. :(
Finished: 7/30/11 4:04 a.m.
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or its respective characters.
URGENT A/N: I started this story ages ago, and even though I got a lot done, the laptop that I started it on is…dead. So when I get that copy of it back, you *might* see some changes to this story. But I'm sick of waiting, so I'm posting the rewrite.
Blaine growled impatiently as he pawed through the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, his hands shaking in desperation. Where the hell is it?
Burt and Carole were out for the night, and Finn was locked up in his bedroom blasting the stereo while playing Halo, demanding firmly not to be disturbed. So Kurt and Blaine decided to take advantage of this rare opportunity for privacy, and makeshift soundproofing. Things were going really well too; Kurt was squirming with need as Blaine prepared him, releasing strangled whimpers into the pillow. He grinned down at his slender, writhing body, deliberately brushing his fingers against the countertenor's prostate over and over again, causing him to whine in tortured pleasure. He finally had mercy when Kurt sat up and nipped at Blaine's jaw, running a pale hand over his cheek.
"Please…" He whispered on a moan, his voice high and needy.
Blaine released a suddenly submissive growl and reached over to the open drawer of the nightstand. When he couldn't find what he needed his head came up in horror. He jumped off his lover and hastily dug through the whole drawer, only to find that yes, they were out of condoms.
He swore that his heart had stopped for a second. Sure, he had spent all this time teasing his boyfriend and drawing out his pleasure, but damnit, Blaine was throbbing against the painful confines of his pants at watching him. He fell into the mattress with a moan of dismay. Kurt just giggled and patted at the nape of his neck, reminding Blaine that there were some 'just in case of emergency' condoms he and Finn kept in their shared bathroom. The soloist almost wept with relief, giving the paler boy a hasty kiss on the lips and a murmured 'be right back' before making a beeline into the bathroom.
That was ten minutes ago, and Blaine was still digging through the damn bathroom in a completely fruitless search. He was about ready to start climbing the walls with frustration when suddenly the opposite door opened. He froze for a moment, and looked up to see Finn standing there. The taller male's eyes widened when he realized he wasn't alone. He slammed the door shut and leaned against it.
"Blaine! What are you doing in here? Why aren't you wearing a shirt?"
Blaine blushed and looked down at his less-than-forgiving jeans and crowded against the sink, glaring accusingly at Finn. "W-wha…me? Why aren't you wearing pants?"
Finn looked down at himself, clad in only his white boxers and a long-sleeved red shirt. He scrambled, tugging uselessly at the bottom hem to cover himself. "I-it's my bathroom! I'm allowed to go without pants! What happened to the counter?"
Blaine scratched the back of his ear in embarrassment, struggling to come up with a good explanation. "I-I was just looking for…" He looked back at Finn, only now noticing that he was trying to cross his long legs with a painful wince. Other than obvious embarrassment there was an underlying flush to his cheeks, his pupils were dilated as his eyes kept nervously shifting to the door at his back, and his hair was horribly askew. The light bulb went on in Blaine's head.
He half-smiled and braced a hand on the sink. "You're not alone in there, are you Finn?"
The older teen's eyes widened and he tugged harder on his shirt. "Uh…I-I—" He saw the knowing smirk on Blaine's face and swallowed. "No," he whispered, keeping his eyes trained on the floor.
The soloist just laughed. "Relax, I won't keep you, I promise. Actually, since I assume we're looking for the same thing, maybe you can help me."
Finn only blinked.
Blaine sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Kurt said something about your…emergency supplies? And if you help me find them we can both get back to…what we were doing."
Finn only looked more confused for a minute, before his eyes lit with clarity, and he glanced at the door behind Blaine.
"Oh. Uh…sure. Sure, yeah."
He looked a little uncomfortable, (and who wouldn't, helping your stepbrother's boyfriend find the rubbers) but like any red-blooded teenage boy, good sex was something of a priority. So, trying as discreetly as possible to keep himself covered he walked to the bathroom counter and opened the top drawer. There, in the middle of the drawer all by itself like the Holy Grail, was a single, small yellow package.
Blaine made a mad reach for it, but when he and Finn realized that they were holding it at the same time they dropped it like it was on fire. They stared at each other for a minute, then looked down at the condom.
"Okay…we're both mature young men. We can work this out," the younger teen said diplomatically.
"Right," Finn agreed. He shrugged and gestured down at the package. "Well clearly Rachel and I should get it."
Blaine's eyebrows furrowed. "How do you figure?"
"Well, you and Kurt were both virgins, right? So you can afford to step out without a raincoat," he argued forcibly.
"I'm not having sex without protection Finn; especially not after talking with Burt. He trusts me to keep Kurt safe."
Finn wouldn't argue that one. Burt Hummel didn't trust very easily, particularly when it involved his son. And besides the physical punishment for betraying his trust, it just felt…really crummy to disappoint a guy as awesome as Burt.
"Well, we still should get to use it because if we have sex without one Rachel could get pregnant! And one of those was already hard enough on my mom; I don't want her to have to deal with it again! Especially for a kid I actually fathered!"
"Enough, okay, Finn? It's just a matter of who's…doing it tonight, and who's going without," Blaine said painfully.
"Okay," Finn said, eagerly holding up his fist. "Let's rock-paper-scissors for it!"
Blaine sighed again, holding his hand up over his eyes. "As a gentleman, I can't play with you Finn; I have an unfair advantage."
The taller boy faltered, his mouth pursing in confusion.
"You always do paper-paper-scissors," he explained.
"Damnit! What are we gonna do then—"
"Finn," came a familiar sing-song voice. "What's taking so long?"
Suddenly the door behind Finn opened, and Rachel stepped into the bathroom. "I've been wa—Oh God, Blaine!"
She squealed and hid behind the shower curtain while Blaine's eyes widened at the brief sight of her. Rachel was wearing a sheer cherry-red teddy over a crimson push-up bra and thong panties. And strappy black stilettos.
"What are you doing here," she demanded, leaving her head exposed above the curtain while Finn bit his lip in fear and looked between his girlfriend and the other boy.
Blaine blinked and glared back. "Why is everyone asking me that? What does it look li—"
"Blaine what's going o— Finn? Rachel?"
Kurt suddenly appeared behind Blaine, shirtless, and in very tight black jeans. His eyes shifted around the bathroom, completely aghast. Blaine groaned in embarrassment and buried his face in his palms. Finn slapped his hand to his forehead before Rachel reached out to swat at his arm. "Finn!" She shrilled. "You said we were alone!"
"Alone? Finn, how did she even get in?"
Everybody began talking at once, and honestly Blaine was so revved up between hormones and irritation he was starting to get a headache. He held up two fingers to his mouth and let out a high whistle that succeeded in getting the attention of the room. There was a beat of awkward silence while he gathered what he wanted to say.
"Now, there's nothing wrong here," he spoke slowly, peacefully, looking between everyone's faces in turn. "Finn and I were just having a discussion. And once we settle the matter we can all calmly go back to our respective rooms."
"What's the matter," Kurt asked, one hand on his slender hip.
Blaine sighed and pointed down to the nearly-forgotten yellow package. "Apparently the emergency box of condoms has dwindled down to one."
"Emergency box," Rachel asked, her voice becoming dangerously high. Finn held up his hands in surrender.
"It's just a box than Kurt and I bought, in case we run out of our own supplies."
Her jaw fell, some of her hair catching on her sticky lip gloss. "You managed to convince Finn to buy prophylactics together?"
"Okay, first of all Rachel, never say 'prophylactics' again, please," Kurt pleaded, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Second, the whole reason we bought it was to avoid situations like this! A fat lot of good it did, but trust me, the purchase itself wasn't a comfortable one."
"It didn't help that you were getting those aromatherapy candles and Sensually Scented bubble bath," Finn mumbled.
"Hey! I am a man that enjoys his bubble baths, and I won't apologize for it, especially to some dimwitted pharmacist!"
"We were buying rubbers together Kurt! With all that other stuff it's not her fault she got the wrong idea!"
"You called me bro within earshot of the cash register!"
"Alright, alright!" Blaine interrupted. "The point is, there's only one left now. And we were trying to figure out how to decide which of us should get to use it."
There was another uncomfortable silence, and everyone either shifted on their feet or bit their lower lip.
"Alright, we'll compromise," Rachel finally said from her place behind the shower curtain. "We'll decide based on our last sexual encounters where…protection was necessary."
Blaine stared at her, wide-eyed. "I think I speak for all of us when I say I am not comfortable sharing that information, Rachel!" He fairly howled.
She glared back at him, her eyes equally wide. "You're not comfortable?" She all but shrieked, shoving back the shower curtain and pressing her hands to her hips. "I'm the one hardly wearing anything, I think you can—"
"Oh my god! Rachel!" Kurt shouted, and they turned back to see him clasping his hands together over his mouth. He was staring at Rachel and she looked down at herself before ducking her head and smiling sheepishly.
He rushed over to take her hands, almost knocking over his suddenly bewildered boyfriend. "You devilish little Jew-minx, you went back for it! I told you it was irresistible!" He briefly acknowledged the other boys, dismissively waving a hand at them as he explained, "I finally convinced her that Fredericks of Hollywood was the place for sexy lingerie!"
"Oh you were completely right Kurt! I swear, Finn…" she glanced at her boyfriend before leaning in and whispering something to Kurt that had his jaw hanging open. Blaine raised an eyebrow at Finn, but the older boy just scowled and blushed.
"Oh my," Kurt said with a scandalized smile. He turned to Blaine, completely straight-faced. "Oh Blaine, we have to let them use it! It would be sacrilege to let this gorgeous get up go to waste!"
"What?" Blaine nearly shouted in disbelief.
"Yes!" Finn shot his fist into the air in triumph, then looked smugly at the soloist.
Rachel tilted her head and smiled. "Oh Kurt, really?"
He nodded decisively and patted her hand. "Of course, Rachel! Blaine and I can manage without sex tonight!"
Blaine stared helplessly at his boyfriend, his stomach plummeting in disappointment and incredulity. He felt like a dog that suddenly had his bone taken away…no pun intended. Is this the same guy that fifteen minutes ago was saying 'I need you Blaine'? What the hell?
Rachel bit her lip thoughtfully and looked up at her friend with a wide smile. "No, Kurt. I think you should have it!"
"Oh no Rachel I coul—"
"Kurt I certainly haven't been overly considerate of your relationship in the past. But as the child of two dads, and one of your best friends, I should be more understanding. And this is how I'm going to start." She marched to the counter and plucked the condom from the sink. She cheerfully handed it to Kurt. "I insist! Take it in good health."
Blaine beamed at Rachel while Finn's face fell. His hands started trembling and he desperately hoped that Kurt wouldn't continue arguing about it.
Thankfully he only smiled and kissed her cheek. "Thanks Rachel! I owe you one! Your next sexy set of Frederick's is on me!"
He did an about-face and grinned wantonly at Blaine and pulled him back to the bedroom, a dumbstruck Finn standing there and looking ready to weep. "What just happened?"
Blaine just smiled pleasantly at him and shut the bathroom door. He continued grinning until he found Kurt back on the bed, completely naked again and waving the condom back and forth.
"Now where were we," he asked in a low, husky voice.
The older boy growled and hastily took off his pants, letting blue eyes rove over him in hunger.
He snatched the package from Kurt's hands and ripped it open with his teeth. "I can't believe you almost gave this away!"
"Reverse psychology," the countertenor informed him.
Blaine paused to stare at him in surprise as he climbed onto the bed. "Really? How'd you know it'd work?"
"I know Rachel." Kurt grinned and reached down, pulling at Blaine's ass then moaning when their bodies were flush against each other. "Believe me, I couldn't 'manage' without you tonight if I tried."
I'd love to hear whatever opinions you guys have on this one; it's mostly dialogue and it's a lot more 'humor' than I usually go for. Plus I was wondering if I should finish out the end scene when I come back in a week, what do you guys think? This was inspired by the condom scene in the Friends episode 'The One Where Dr. Ramoray Dies.' I've had this idea lurking for a long time, so I really hope you enjoyed it! Feedback a day keeps the doctor away…oh yes. I said it.