A/N: WARNING this fanfic strays very much from the comedic nature of the show, but it isn't too dark or anything. Please don't hate on me Oh by the way, I absolutely don't own anything! (Except the OCs)

Also, I apologize for any historical inaccuracies, as well as any inaccuracies or inconsistencies pertaining to the show itself. I only started watching the show a couple weeks ago.


Pte. Joe Walker groaned as he rolled onto his side. His head was killing him. In fact, he was sore all over. He opened his eyes to see the sun setting beyond some building tops.

"Blimey, where am I?" He muttered to himself. He glanced down at his wrist watch, and noticed that his knuckles were all bruised and cut.

I must've gotten into a bit of a scrap, Walker thought, not all that surprised, it wouldn't be the first time.

He was disappointed to see that the glass over the face of his watch was cracked. He took great pride in that watch. He hadn't stolen it, or acquired it on the black market. It had been passed down from his father, and his father before him, and Walker wouldn't have sold it for anything.

Behind the cracked glass, Walker saw that it was almost 7 o'clock. And he was in uniform, which meant it was Wednesday. He was going to be late for parade if he didn't hurry!

Walked pulled himself to his feet, and took a moment to get his bearings. He was in an alley way between two buildings that he didn't recognise.

What was I doing passed out back here? Walker thought to himself. He tried to recall the events that had preceded his waking up, but his memory was all blurry. Had I been drinking? He thought. No. He wouldn't have gotten drunk before parade, and he didn't taste any booze in his mouth.

Through one end of the alley, he could see the water in the distance.

He grabbed his cap from the ground, headed towards the street, and followed the boardwalk until he reached the church hall. While he walked, he tried desperately to recall how he'd received these injuries, and how he had wound up passed out in an alley.

Not to mention the fact that his rifle was missing. How was he going to explain that one?

"Everyone present, Sergeant?" Captain Mainwaring asked, returning the Sergeant's salute as he joined his men in the main hall.

"Everyone except for Joe, I'm afraid." Wilson replied.

"Who?" Mainwaring asked.

"Oh, right, terribly sorry. Everyone except for Private Walker, sir." Wilson answered, managing to keep from rolling his eyes.

"That's better." The Captain told him. "Walker, eh? I should've known he'd be the one to skip tonight's lecture! It's on military courtesy, you know. Very well, we shall have to proceed without him. Tell the men to fall out."

"Right sir. Fall out please, yes, thank you." Wilson ordered. Mainwaring glared at his 2IC. Why couldn't he be more forceful, more militant?

"Listen up, men." Mainwaring said, returning his attention to the troops in front of him. "Sponge, Pike and Frazer, I want you three to go bring out some chairs. The rest of you, help them set up."

Just as the men got to work setting up for the Captain's lecture, the front door opened. Walker came in, head down and hands in his pockets.

"Walker!" Mainwaring barked. "Over here, double time!"

Walker glanced up. He looked deep in thought as he meandered over to Wilson and the Captain.

"What is the meaning of this? You're over twenty minutes late!" Mainwaring demanded.

" 'm sorry, sir." Walker mumbled, appearing exceedingly distracted.

"Well? I expect at least an explanation!"

Joe frowned, deepening the creases in his forehead. He honestly wished he could give the man an explanation.

"I – I was late because…" He began. Usually he was much more quick when making up a lie, but his headache seemed to be impeding his thought process.

"Have you been in a fight, Private?" The older man demanded. "You have a black eye and cut lip!"

Walker brought his hand up and felt his lip. There was blood on his fingers when he brought them away.


"And where is your rifle!" Mainwaring cried, suddenly noticing the disparate lack of a fire arm in the private's hand.

"I must've left it at home." Walker told him. Maybe it was the truth, but Walker could figure out why he would leave home without it on his way to parade. He prayed for his own sake that that's where it would be when he returned home that night.

"This conduct is absolutely unacceptable." Mainwaring said, turned red in the face. "See me in my office after parade." He ordered.

"Yes, Cap'n." Walker mumbled. Before going to sit down, he exchanged a glance with Wilson. The kindly Sergeant felt sorry for him, and turned to his CO.

"Sir, perhaps you shouldn't be too hard on Pte. Walker."

"Why not?" The Captain asked. "He needs someone to be hard on him, that's the only way he'll be straightened out!"

"He isn't himself tonight, that much is evident." Wilson said. "Perhaps he's had a difficult day."

"Well, whatever caused him to take leave of his senses, I will soon know about it. Take a seat, Wilson, I'm ready to start the lecture."

As Walker sat down, Frank Pike, in the row behind him, leaned forward.

"Where were you?" Pike asked.

"To be honest, Pikey, that's the strange thing about all this. I can't remember."

"What does that mean?" Pike said, frowning.

"I – I don't know." Walker said, genuinely perplexed. "I woke up in an alley somewhere on the other side of town. I've got these cuts on my hands, and face. I figure I was hit over the head or something, 'cuz I've got the most ruddy awful headache."

"That might be why you can't remember anything." Frank suggested. "Once I fell off my bike, and hit my head on a rock. And to this day, I can't remember where I was headed to when I fell!"

"Yeah, maybe that's it." Walker said absently.

"No talking!" Mainwaring ordered, taking his place on the stage in front of the troops. "Now this lecture is on military courtesy. It is essential that all home guards units…"

Walker couldn't pay attention for very long. As the Captain blabbered on about military courtesy, teaching the men things that they already knew, Walker searched his mind for any clue as to what might have happened in that alley.

But by the time the lecture was over, Walker hadn't learned anything new about what had happened to him, or about military courtesy for that matter.

A/N: That's chapter one. Thanks for reading! Please R/R!