To the Noble Maidens of Camelot, King Uther Pendragon issues the following proclamation:

My lady, I will give you everything you desire and everything you never knew you desired, if you will become my Current and Forseeable Queen.

Allow me to tantalize you with a glimpse of the romantic evenings in store.

First, we will sit down in my luxurious dining hall for the most delectable foods in all the land. My chefs will select each morsel to ensure that it is fit for a Queen. After my best tasters have ensured that the morsels are not poisoned, I will feed you the extravagant delicacies, making sure to leave my leather gloves on so that my hand does not become sticky. This will become important later on in the evening.

For desert, we will have perfectly ripened strawberries freshly plucked from the royal gardens. The taste will linger on your lips for the rest of the night. If you are allergic to strawberries, the King will have his chefs create a strawberry-free dessert especially for you. The King does not wish your porcelain visage to be marred by a rash, or death.

We will then enjoy the warm glow of a bonfire. You may wonder where we will get enough sorcerers for these bonfires. Let the King worry about that. In an alternate scenario, your perfect ears may be too delicate to enjoy this entertainment. If this is the case, the King will shield you from any discomfort, while admiring your womanly constitution. If you wish to cling to my strong, masculine arms, this would be a good time to do so.

A trail of rose petals will lead us up the seven flights of stairs to the King-size bed in our royal bedchamber. The bed will be made with the softest crimson velvet and gold accents. There will also be scented candles. The velvet will be like sand compared to your skin. However, it is the only fabric invented at this time that can absorb the King's passion.

My lady, do not trouble yourself with thoughts about where that sweet music is coming from. The minstrels are discreet.

I will proceed to subjugate you till the morn, but in a tender way that is suitable to a refined lady such as yourself. During this time, the guards will not answer your cries. The only answer will be from the King. You will appreciate that my hands did not become sticky during supper.

At this time, you will also learn why the kingdom is called Camelot.

You may notice during the evening that I sometimes look distant. It is not you, my lady, it is me. At times, I cannot help thinking of my Once and Former Queen. You will find this romantic and endearing. When I shed a single crystalline tear for my lost Queen, please do not hesitate to kiss it away. This will remind the King that you are all the Queen he needs.


When Gaius finished reading the proclamation, he handed it back to Uther wordlessly.

"Well?" said the king.

"It might be..."

Gaius paused, mouth open. Uther stared back at him. They might have sat there for an hour if Sir Leon hadn't cleared his throat.

"...A bit long to post as a sign."

Uther sighed. "Yes, I thought so too. Perhaps a billboard?"

"I'll be sure it's filed with the proper authorities, sire."

When he got back to his chamber, Gaius accidentally dropped the proclamation into the fireplace.

"Dear me," he said, shaking his head.

Author's Notes: Inspired by Smoove B, the smoovest player to play the game. Be sure to tune in to chapter 2, entitled :'(