Hello everyone! So this is my first Durarara fanfic as well as it being my first boyxboy fic ever! So I apologize if it isn't that great and there's OOCness abound. XD This is totally new territory for me, but I'm excited to experiment with writing in this area. Enjoy the story~!
Disclaimer: I do not own Durarara, because if I did, it would just be Shizaya all the time.
He wasn't sure how long he had been sitting there, the memories haunting his mind.
His hands clenched into fists, his eyes staring silently at the ground. He could almost see Shizuo back on that day…the day they finally cast aside their hate for each other and became lovers. He almost laughed as he remembered how cutely Shizuo had blushed as he confessed.
I kinda like you.
But even as he opened his mouth, no sound came out of it. He couldn't laugh. There wasn't anything funny about this.
So do you wanna, you know, go out sometime?
His body trembled, unused to the feeling of being vulnerable and weak.
I'd love to, Shizu-chan~
He could almost see Shizuo in front of him, smiling that smile of his as he pulled out a cigarette. Hey flea. He reached out, as if to touch him, but smiled bitterly when he realized that he wouldn't touch anything. After all, Shizuo wasn't there.
Shizuo was gone.
"Izaya?" the concerned voice of his friend broke him from his trance. Izaya looked up at Shinra, the doctor's dark grey eyes worried. Izaya thought he looked a little strange out of his lab coat as Shinra was adorned in an all black suit, same as Izaya although Izaya had made sure his suit had his signature fur trim. Shizuo would probably laugh at him and his obsession with fur if Shizuo could see him right now. "They're about to take the body to the cemetery. Don't you want to look at least once?"
Shinra's words somehow made something in Izaya snap, making him realize that this indeed was all real. It wasn't a dream, or a nightmare, like he had been hoping.
This was reality.
Shizuo really was gone.
Izaya could only numbly nod, afraid that if he spoke he wouldn't be able to hold back the tears. He followed Shinra up to the front of the church, refusing to look at everyone else who was there. There weren't a lot of people, just their close friends. Kadota and his gang, Kida with his two friends, Shinra and Celty, Tom who was Shizuo's boss, and of course, Kasuka. All of them had their eyes on Izaya as he made his way down the center aisle, stopping as he got to the altar stage where a coffin was laid out on a table.
And there he was, looking like he was only peacefully sleeping with his arms folded over his chest, dressed a nice suit that was an upgrade from his usual bartender apparel.
As Izaya stared at the familiar face, reaching out to touch his soft blonde hair, he couldn't hold it back anymore. The tears fell freely from his eyes as he cried out, punching Shizuo in the chest. "You stupid protozoan liar!" he screamed, hitting the corpse repeatedly. "You lied to me!"
Kasuka made a move to stop him but was held back by Shinra who shook his head. Shinra's eyes went back to his friend, a sad look entering them. He motioned to the other shocked people to exit the church and allow Izaya some private time.
"You said you wouldn't leave me!" Izaya cried out, the tears blinding him as they fell down his face and his mind flashing back to that night.
"Hm?" Izaya looked up from his work, a shocked look entering his face as he turned to his boyfriend. "What did you just say?"
"Oi flea, you weren't listening to me!" Shizuo growled, getting up from the couch and marching up to his boyfriend to pull him up by the collar of his shirt.
"Ne, Shizu-chan, say that again!" Izaya asked, his eyes shining. Did he just say what he thought he said?
A blush dusted Shizuo's cheeks as his grip on Izaya's shirt slackened some. He mumbled something under his breath.
"Shizu-chan, I can't hear you~" Izaya teased.
"Dammit flea, I said I love y—" Shizuo was cut off when Izaya leaned forward and pressed their lips together. The blonde responded, wrapping his arms around Izaya's waist to pull him closer. The two broke away moments later, catching their breaths as they stared at each other happily.
"I love you too, Shizu-chan," Izaya smiled, wrapping his arms tighter around the blonde's neck.
"Silly flea," Shizuo mumbled, but he smiled as well. They two stood like that in silence for a while, content with just being in each other's arms.
"Ne, Shizu-chan," Izaya said, breaking the silence. He pressed the side of his face against Shizuo's chest, clutching a bit of Shizuo's shirt in his hands. "You won't ever leave me, right?"
"Of course I won't," Shizuo snorted, burying his face into Izaya's raven locks. "You're stuck with me, flea."
Izaya smiled as he murmured, "Promise?"
Shizuo reached to grab Izaya's chin so that he could seriously look into his scarlet eyes. "I promise," he said quietly, his hazel eyes staring straight into Izaya's. Izaya could only smile wider, looking up at Shizuo who bent down and captured his lips once again.
"You promised…" Izaya sobbed as his punches became weaker before stopping completely.
But the Shizuo in the casket didn't say anything.
Because the dead couldn't talk.
"Hello? Izaya? It's Shinra. I just wanted to check up on you because everyone's worried about you. We haven't seen you since…the funeral. You should come over to mine and Celty's place sometime. It does not good to just dwell on the dead. Ow! What was that for, Celty? … Anyway, just call me sometime so I know you're okay, alright?"
"Izaya, it's Kadota. Just wanted to know if you'd like to hang out sometime. We could go get a bite to eat at Russia Sushi. Simon said he hasn't seen you in a while. Well, give me a call anytime."
"Izaya? It's Shinra again. I'm getting a little worried. We haven't heard from you in two weeks now. Are you doing alright? Celty's really worried about you so come over sometime, okay? Bye."
"Hello Iza-nii? We haven't heard from you in forever! Where are you? …worried… Yeah, Kurui and I are worried about you! Give us a call sometime, alright Iza-nii?"
"Izaya you bastard! It's Namie! Your door has been locked for the past couple weeks! Did you change the lock with me knowing? Fine, if you don't want me to come into work, I quit then! Don't keep yourself locked up all the time!"
"Izaya, as your unofficial doctor, I have to say it's unhealthy to keep staying in your apartment this long. Do I have to send Celty over to make sure you haven't died of starvation yet? Ouch! … Anyway, call me back soon!"
"Iza-nii! Kurui and I haven't heard from you in weeks! Mom and dad are worried about you too! …visit… Yeah! Will you come visit us anytime soon? Iza-nii! Answer the phone! … Iza-nii…we're really worried about you. Will you please call us? We want to know if you're alright…"
"Izaya, this is Kasuka. Shinra called me. My nii-san wouldn't want you to rot away like this. Stop being selfish and call your friends back sometime. You're not the only one who lost someone important."
Izaya threw his cell phone at the wall, watching it fall as the screen was cracked.
What did any of them know? They didn't know anything! They didn't know how much he hurt! How much he hated his home now! Everywhere he turned he saw him. Shizuo was everywhere but at the same time, he wasn't there at all. He hated all these memories stuck in his mind. He hated waking up and seeing Shizuo beside him, watching him sleep, only to have him disappear the next moment. He hated walking into his office, seeing Shizuo on his couch with a book on his lap as he turned to greet Izaya. He hated walking into his kitchen seeing Shizuo grabbing a bottle of milk out of the fridge. He hated going into his bathroom, seeing Shizuo standing there shirtless about to shower as he lewdly suggested they shower together. He hated it.
He hated how much he remembered everything.
Izaya curled up into a ball on his bed. His red eyes were dull as he had run out of the tears and life when he cried over Shizuo's lifeless body. He was paler, thinner, and felt so empty.
No one understood how much it hurt. How much he missed Shizuo.
Faintly, Izaya could hear the click of his front door opening. He supposed it could be a robber, and he should have done something, but he didn't care. The robber could take whatever the hell he wanted. And if he saw Izaya, the robber could go ahead and kill him. Izaya no longer cared about anything. That robber would be doing him a favor.
"My, you look so pitiful, Orihara-kun." Izaya twitched slightly at the familiar voice, knowing that, unfortunately, this was not a robber and this man wouldn't kill him.
"Shiki-san," Izaya murmured, almost shocked at how hoarse and frail he sounded. "What do you want?"
"I want my best information broker back," Shiki said simply, looking around the room with a frown on his face. "We haven't heard from you in weeks, Orihara-kun. I had no idea the death of your former enemy would affect you so greatly."
Izaya growled, Shiki treading into forbidden territory. But even his growl didn't seem threatening as it came out weakly. Shiki only smiled pitifully, "Tell me Orihara-kun, what could I do to make you work back to your full capacity? It would be a shame to give up a talented informant like you."
Izaya threw the nearest thing he could find at Shiki, which sadly was only one of his pillows. Shiki blocked it easily with his arm as he stared at the angry young man. "Bring him back then!" Izaya demanded, his red eyes glittering. "If you really want me to be my old self give me back my Shizu-chan!"
Izaya panted as he took in deep breaths. It had been a while since he had spoken so loudly and so long.
"Alright." Izaya stared up at Shiki in shock as the man turned to make his way out of the room. "We'll do what you want. But once I deliver, you better do your part too, Orihara-kun."
"Are you crazy?" Izaya screamed after him. "You can't bring back the dead!"
But as Shiki turned to look at Izaya, a small smirk on his face, Izaya couldn't help but shudder. "Watch me."
And with that, Shiki left.
It had been a week since Shiki's visit, and Izaya had tried to put some normalcy back in his life…or, well, as normal as his life used to be. He called his sisters and tiredly told them over and over that he was alright and that they shouldn't worry about him.
He called Shinra, who seemed happy to hear from him. Shinra still sounded worried over the phone though and would call Izaya up every other day to make sure he was still there.
Izaya even offered Namie her job back, which she took only because she "needed the money" and not because she was "the slightest bit worried about him".
He was getting his life back on track. Or so it seemed. When he was alone, there were times Izaya would fall back into his state of depression, staring at nothing in particular as the memories of Shizuo haunted his mind.
He sometimes wished he could just get amnesia and forget everything, but other times he was afraid of forgetting Shizuo completely. Sometimes he would wake up from his sleep gasping for breath, having had a nightmare about forgetting what Shizuo looked like completely. At those moments, Izaya let the memories comfort him. As much as it hurt to remember what he had lost, it hurt even more to think of the day he would no longer remember Shizuo.
It was a week later that Izaya heard from Shiki again.
"Hello Orihara-kun, how are you today?" Shiki greeted as he walked into Izaya's home without waiting for Izaya to allow him in.
"What do you want Shiki-san?" Izaya sighed, purposely ignoring his question.
"I have a present for you, Orihara-kun," Shiki replied as he sat down on the couch. He snapped his fingers and Izaya watched as one of Shiki's guards walked out of his apartment. When he came back, he wasn't alone, and when Izaya saw who it was his mouth fell open in silent shock as his eyes widened.
There he was, as if he had never been gone. The blonde hair, the tan skin, the tall toned body. Izaya almost ran to the man to hug and kiss him senseless and demand where the hell he had been. But as Izaya looked further, he saw the differences. This Shizuo had blue eyes while his Shizuo had hazel eyes. This Shizuo wore a white and blue kimono while his Shizuo never failed to wear his bartender garb. And this Shizuo was calm and quiet while his Shizuo was always loud and temperamental.
This was not his Shizuo. This was a fake. And honestly, Izaya shouldn't have expected much. He was right after all; you couldn't bring back the dead. No matter how much he wanted to.
"Shiki-san, what is this?" Izaya tried to keep his voice calm as he turned away from the fake, not wanting to look at him. Despite it not being his Shizuo, the eerie, uncanny duplicate stirred confused feelings deep within Izaya. He wasn't sure how he should feel towards this Shizuo look-alike.
"This is my present to you. You asked me to bring your dead lover back, and I did."
"This isn't Shizuo." Izaya growled, turning to look at Shiki angrily.
"You're right," Shiki nodded his head slightly. "But he looks like him."
"Take him back! I don't want him!"
"Orihara-kun, it's rude to return a present. You haven't even tried him out."
"I don't care! Take him back, Shiki-san! That is not my Shizu-chan!"
"But he could be."
Shiki's words made him stop. Izaya watched as Shiki stood up and stared down Izaya seriously, "Shizuo is dead, Orihara-kun. And you need to get over that. All I have done is offer you a replacement. Someone who could help you get over this by taking Heiwajima's place."
Izaya suddenly felt weak again as all the anger left him. He looked at the ground. "It's not the same, Shiki-san."
"Then it doesn't have to be," Shiki sighed. "He doesn't have to take over Heiwajima's place if you're so adamant about it. Either way, he's yours now, Orihara-kun."
Izaya looked back up, his eyes almost pleading with Shiki, but Shiki just shook his head. "Just try it, Orihara-kun. Who knows, perhaps while he cannot replace Heiwajima-san, he might be able to heal you at least."
And before Izaya could say anything else, Shiki motioned to his men and they left the place, leaving Izaya with the fake Shizuo. Izaya sighed, rubbing his temples to ease an oncoming migraine as he looked at the fake out of the corner of his eyes. The man just stood there silently, staring straight at Izaya. It made Izaya slighty nervous.
"What's your name?" Izaya inquired finally looking at the fake in the eyes, finding it was easy to ignore the similarities to Shizuo if he focused on the obvious difference in the eye color.
"Heiwajima Shi—" the fake started, but stopped when Izaya held up his hand. Dear god, even their voices sounded alike!
"No, what's your real name? Not the name of the man they told you to pretend to be." Izaya demanded, his eyes tightening as he thought of how they told this fake to be Shizuo.
The fake paused in thought, something so unlike Shizuo, before he spoke, "Tsugaru. My name's Tsugaru."
Izaya smiled bitterly, nodding to acknowledge the man. "Tsugaru, will you do me a favor?" The man nodded. "Will you just hug me?"
Tsugaru arched a brow in confusion for a moment, but nonetheless walked to Izaya and pulled him into his arms. Izaya gasped at the sudden movement but soon found comfort in the warmth of the man's arms. It wasn't the same as Shizuo, but it would have to do. And for the first time in a long while, Izaya cried. He sobbed into the man's chest, clutching the kimono in his hands.
And all Tsugaru could do was hold him tightly, wishing that he was man that Izaya so desperately wanted him to be. That way he could wipe away his tears and comfort him. Because while he didn't know much about this man, his heart ached to see his tears and his sadness.
Tsugaru wished so desperately that he could be Heiwajima Shizuo. Just so that he can make this man he found himself caring for to stop being so sad.
Why couldn't he be Heiwajima Shizuo? Why couldn't he be the man Izaya loved?
Why wasn't it possible to bring back the dead?
So hopefully I wasn't too OOC with anyone, especially Izaya. And I apologized that I really killed Shizuo off…I wanted to write something angsty and this popped in my head. At first I thought of somehow bringing Shizuo magically back to life, but then that just didn't seem right. And I wanted to explore more into the feelings Izaya would have if Shizuo were dead.
For now, this is a one shot, but I have some ideas of continuing it into a multi-chapter TsugaruxIzaya story. But I guess I'll see whether this is well-liked enough. XD
Thank you for reading and reviews/criticisms are always appreciated!