~Wednesday – My room – Midday Sun
Procrastinating packing. Here in my room, placing my things in the trunk, and now I have come across the bottle of Felix Felicis.
Obviously I had to stop. Now way I could continue packing after finding that. I had put it out of my mind but now – now it is all come back to me. Everything it has come to stand for…
Funny, when I first held the vile – when it was first handed to me in class I swear it was warm. I remember – the golden fluid was as the sun itself. Not now. Now I hold it… the glass vial of Liquid Luck in my hand is cold and hard, just like my heart.
Just, frozen now. What should I do? I still want more than anything to give it to Lily, but I know I cannot.
I should spill it out – just forget it all together. It is truly my only option is it not? Surely I cannot pack it… Surely now I cannot pack at all.
Three more days. – Less than that. God help me.
~Thursday – My room – my empty room
I Disapparated to Spinners End last night. I did it while everyone was asleep of course but in the end I decided to leave most of my things there. I won't need much where I am going.
Its still morning. One more thing to do, I think.
~Thursday Night – My Room
It's done. I gave it to her. For a moment I had this horrific feeling that it was happening all over again. But she took it. It was all I could do, and… it's done.
I went to Tisiphone's room. She jumped in fear when she saw me. "Sev – get out of here – if Avery sees you – its too dangerous now - run."
She was right of course. "I know." I told her. "I know it is too dangerous. I understand that now. That's why I'm here." I shut the door behind me, cast Muffliato and made to give the vile of Felix Felicis to her. She knew instantly what it was.
"No Sev," she was saying before I had opened my hand. I tried to place it in her hand but she pushed it away. "No – no I can't accept such a thing - please- " Why was she protesting this way! For a second I thought – but then no – this wasn't going to happen the way Lily had rejected the potion… It couldn't be. Not again. Please not again…
"Please – take it," I begged her. I don't know what I had expected to happen when I offered it to her, but I wasn't prepared for that. She looked at me, and her eyes filled with tears… Why? She tried to speak but couldn't seem to manage it.
Finally she said to me, "I can't take it. You can't give it to me because I know what it m-" But couldn't let her finished – I placed my finger to her lips in terror – for I was sure I'd heard footsteps outside in the corridor. My paranoia was complete. By then I had come to understand just how right she had been. I finally understood the danger that we all faced. Muffliato or not I could not risk our conversation being overheard.
"You have to take this," I told her. I placed the vile in her hand and closed her fingers over it. I could still feel in her body that she meant to protest, but I told her again, "You have to take it. If it all gets to be too much, use the Liquid Luck and get out."
"No no no," she kept saying. She was shaking her head and crying.
"Listen to me, all of this madness will take our lives at some point." I told her, "You have to take it. It is going to come to that. You may think us in danger now, but things are going to get worse – and when they do, you have to run for it –"
-"What about you!" She grabbed my hand with her free hand and wouldn't let me finish – "What about you!" she kept saying it. She started carrying on – "I'll wait for you I'll wait for you at the tree where we snogged!"
I told her that wouldn't work. She started going on about how she would keep going there to look for me. She was being ridiculous. I told her so. I told her not to say such silly things. Obviously I could not go with her. Besides I knew she could not truly mean it. But after I explained that to her, she started crying again. Girls are so dramatic. She kept protesting and kept saying, "What about you?"
"Forget me," I told her. She was reluctant and kept crying. I pushed her hand away from my shoulder and forced it down to her other hand. "Keep your head down for a while – don't do anything – and when you see your first chance – run." At that I closed both of her hands over the vile, "Tisi, please, take this and run."
Finally she accepted. "Yes," she said. Then - still crying she begged me, "Sev, come tomorrow to the End-of-Term Feast, please?"
"All right," I told her, "I'll try." I let go of her hands.
"I'll see you tomorrow!" She called after me as I made to leave. I turned around, waved to her, and forced a smile.
I'm not going tomorrow of course, but – I didn't know how to tell her. I couldn't bring myself to say it. Even in that instant as I knew what was happening, but I wouldn't – and still won't let myself think it. I just kept thinking how I needed to get back here and find where I left my favorite quill. I found it of course… I figured I should write… I have and now, that's it. It's done. It is all done now.
I can leave in the morning, just before dawn. Leave, and never look back. Just hours remain now… Dear God, I will never see this place in daylight again.
~Friday – My room – Just before dawn
Tisiphone is gone, her I have let go. Its over. I have done all I can for Tisiphone, and she is gone.
The moment I let go of her once and for all, my thoughts turned to Lily…. and they have not left her since. The other girl was a friend, but Lily is the love of my life. I will never see her again, but she will haunt my thoughts wherever I go from here... I miss her already more than I can bear. And I know how foolish that is…
I have to leave. The others will awake soon and – tonight we are all to take the train back to London, but I must leave now. It is over.
The shelter of the school is lost to me. I am truly alone.
~Mid July – Hogsmeade – Mist
It's been over a month. I do as I am told, though thankfully I am not told to do very much. Yet.
He has me tracking the fortunetellers. I am to report back on their predictions. And when there are no predictions to be made, I am to monitor all the talk and activity in The Hogshead.
I do as I'm told…
~Saturday –Hogsmeade – Clear Fall day.
She is getting married – to him. They say she is even already pregnant. My life is over.
I am married to my new life – to my new mission – to serve The Dark Lord. What else do I have? This is all I have and I will do my best to serve him well. This is my family, who took me in after all else had forsaken me. Horrible though they may be, this is all I have ever had.
I have no doubts now – I shut them out. I forsake everything I ever was. I am a Death Eater, just as I would be a Sin Eater. I am tainted and cursed - meant to take on the sins of others. I am meant for darkness. I am meant to destroy. I destroy all that is light, for the light left me ages ago. I am the void.
If only it were so simple. Even now I am to be torn - living neither in his world nor the ordinary world. I spy for him after all. Cut off from all humanity – Death Eaters and innocent humans alike. I see no one save him. I am half alive and half dead.
Half-life. Half-blood - split down the center. Two marks, one light - one dark. I betray. I lie. They were all right. I am as evil as they all once thought me to be.
I am a puppet. I am a slave, and yet I chose to live in bondage. I chose this, because I somehow, I always knew what would happen. The other world didn't want me. Why should I want it?
I have what I want now. I have all but disappeared. I exist between worlds, between the walls where no one can see me. I hear the whispers no one else can hear, and speak only to repeat the words of others. I am barely an echo now… as well it should be.
~The Loft – October – Already Cold.
Keep your head down and lie or
Stand fight and die
There is no choice.
~Snowing November Saturday
I'm on tonight at the Hogshead. Today, the thought crossed my mind. I thought about going to see Lily. Obviously I didn't. The very thought itself of it was a mortal Sin.
And this fool hearty work he has for me – tailing fortunetellers - we'll all end up dead or in Azkaban - of that I am certain. I need no prophecy to tell me that is our fate so why than does he? How can no one else see where this will all end?
I knew once – I knew darkness only lead to more darkness…but I continue. I chase the seers because that is my destiny. Just waiting for it now….
~The Loft – Early December –Hogsmeade Night
All these months I have felt cold, dead and emotionless. But today – I saw her! I saw her in Hogsmeade walking down the High Street. I don't know why she was there - wandering about like that but I saw her! She was here, and even though he was with him, it was the most wonderful sight I have seen since I can remember.
I felt things – this rush of sheer joy washed over me – and I was alive again. I hadn't realized how numb I'd been. But she was here, and my heart feels full of light still.
I don't ever want to forget the way I feel now. I don't want to go back to the way I was. This life that I live – it has taken over everything. This cursed life I live has killed off all that I ever was. I'd forgotten my old life – forgotten her. I thought that all a dream. But it wasn't. She was real to me once. She is real still – for there she was, walking the streets in the sunshine glowing radiant like an angel.
Back in my dusty loft, where I hide from the world in the attic of the inn – barely a crawlspace that I call home. There is no light up here where I lay in darkness every night alone. But I am not in darkness tonight. The light is still with me, it cannot leave me - today - I saw her eyes.
~Late December – Hogsmeade Night
Still at it. Still this continues.
"I need your eyes. Tell me what you see. Tell me what they say about me Severus," he says. What they say about him? They don't say anything about him. The bar patrons, the fortunetellers – they don't say anything about him – or anything – ever.
I'm spying on a pub. What am I to report back, that Ludo Bagman can't hold his liquor? Or that Fudge sometimes snogs another woman who is not his wife - that's an important subject. Right, maybe the Dark Lord can use that bit of information to hurt his next bid for office. What the fuck, if he wanted someone to keep him informed of all the latest gossip why did he not just go after Bertha Jorkins and get her to join him. Surely she is privy to far more dirt than I…
And yet, as stupid as all this is – I don't dare let on my feelings. I want no part of this. Yes Muggles are problematic to be around at times – but this is sick. If I had known back then that he was serious about his plans to spread fear and terror - if I had realized he had this sick Nazi plot in place I would never have gone along with it!
Yes, I know now just how stupid I was. I fucked up – I knew it the second his wand touched my skin. I regretted my decision that instant! I felt my very soul violated by the act, but it was done and I knew it could not ever be undone.
What could I do? I couldn't exactly go back to the school and ask for help. They say The Dark Lord fears only Dumbledore. But I couldn't very well go to him for help. It's not that I fear him, and it wasn't for lack of respect that I did not turn to him - but he certainly never took me seriously.
He never took me seriously. He didn't listen to me when I told him about Potter and his crew sneaking out, stealing from the kitchens or tormenting students and such. He never punished them when they were guilty. He never did anything to stop them. Would this be any different?
He never looked out for me before. Was I to run to him and beg protection for myself from a horrible man that I went to willingly, when he wouldn't protect me from a group of boys who attacked me with out provocation?
Should I run now? How could I? I am more afraid to run now then I was those last few months of school. I'm worried about my friends. Not so much Mulciber, Avery, and Wilkes. They can take care of themselves – unfortunately - for I fear the consequences of their continued existence far more then I fear mine. I am far more afraid for the other two. She is afraid, that I know, and Evan… I don't even know.
I'm worried about everyone I left on the outside. I'm worried about my parents. My mother is a witch after all. She will not be hard for him to track down. He will find them. Whatever happened when I was younger - I don't care anymore. I don't want anything bad to happen to them. If he becomes unhinged again… He went after Alecto Carrow's mother – her aunt - just the other day for her failure, and Alecto is a true believer. She has no qualms about doing what ever it takes to further his cause. I cannot risk failure. I cannot risk any harm coming to my family, especially my mother.
This is a disaster. My one hope is that this is such a disorganized mess. His plans for a new world order are ridiculous and he will fail. I can only hope it will fail sooner rather then later.
~ Some freezing night in December
He has given me a new mission. Infiltrate the school. Take on the Defense Against the Dark Arts post.
I don't understand it. He is obsessed with that post. No idea how I will manage such a thing. At least it isn't some horrible command. Seems fairly innocuous in fact. I'll do it of can I suppose… But for now, I am to keep watch on all the seers. Stupid.
~January Middle of the night - snowstorm
Really, really drunk. I don't drink any more. I haven't for months but… this blizzard has nearly shut down Hogsmeade. Nothing to do. Dead of winder.
Cold, blustery wind – dead. Memories plagued me. Started drinking. Kept snowing. Kept drinking. More snow… more memories … no sound but the violent wind to block out my thoughts.
Really drunk so I – did something. I'm not sure, how I feel, or if I do feel, but – that is behind me now. It's done. I think it the right thing to have done. I will live with it just fine and now I need not think on it ever again. Given the placement – I shall not see it to think on it again.
And now I shut it out, slink back to my crawl space to sleep…
~Thursday – February - Cold
I have come to realize something. It is not possible for Heaven to exist. Heaven for one is to be with another person. But that other person - forced to be with the one who desires them - would think themselves to be in Hell. So how than can Heaven exist?
There is no Heaven. There is no Hell. Nothing matters at all.
~February – Snowstorms
There is no end to it. No end to the winter no end to this horror. That poor Muggle girl they took her – it's all over the papers – I know it was them – us – the side I am on! How could they be so cruel!
She was a child! All of the others were adults – not that it makes matters any better – but she was a child! In my worst fears I never thought things would go this far.
I was a fool not to see this coming!
The disappearances, the deaths - the terror. The rumors of Inferi walking about freely! The rumors of out right torture - I do not doubt any of it. This is a war – and I am to blame…
I want out.
I want out! I hate myself. I am so ashamed of it -I sob still at the memory! I have wanted out since the moment he branded me - I hate it! I don't want to do this anymore! Please - let me go!
Should I run to Dumbledore? I keep thinking about doing it - Would he take me? I don't know… How could he – how could anyone?
I'm a Death Eater!
I'm a Death Eater! I am more cursed and tainted now than ever I was! I am a sick terrible - horrible person. I deserve death! I deserve death and torture for what I have been a part of!
We will all end up dead or in Azkaban. It cannot happen soon enough.
I want out... I want it, but no one ever gets out. "You can never leave," "Once a Death Eater you're always one." No one will take me in. Only death will set me free. But history has proven that time and time again - I am too much a coward to do it myself.
I am afraid to die – I am afraid to live - I don't know what to do…
~March for once I know – it is a Tuesday
I saw the Dark Lord today for the first time in months. I actually had information for him for a change, and I was desperate to leave this place… So I met him and told him what I had heard. A fortuneteller has had a vision that might possibly involve him. A woman spoke of "The most powerful Wizard Alive," that he could see the true value of life…
He seemed very interested in this and I really don't see why. She was drunk on cheep cooking sherry I don't see why he should care what she says but now he wants me to keep a closer eye on her he wants to hear "All the brilliant predictions made pertaining to me."
I'm afraid. I am so afraid that I have cursed this woman. What if she does not continue to make such predictions! What if the fates fall silent to her? He has killed people for less. I will keep watch over her. For her sake, I hope she continues her crazy clairvoyance… if need be, I suppose I can lie if such need arises…
~I think it still May
Out of sheer boredom I re-read this today. I don't know why I even keep it. Too many painful memories. I should burn it. I don't expect to live much longer any way.
~Night on a Thursday?
Dear God – what have done.
I should have died! I should have died long ago – either in school or in an accident! I could have done it myself! God knows how often I thought of it when I was younger why didn't I do it when I had the chance! I should have died - the others have been murdered or captured so why wasn't I?
That I lived and allowed this to happen is the greatest sin - if she dies – if they die it will be my fault. Why did I tell him! Why didn't think! I couldn't do the math and realize it had meant him – her son!
I should die right now on this spot - I should kill myself why am I still writing why am I not at least doing Sectumsempra - because that won't help anything! That won't stop what's coming and that won't make me hurt enough - nothing can if all my skin were torn off -there is no punishment on Earth or in Hell that can match what I have done –
Oh dear God what shall I do - what can I do! I can turn myself in - if I turn myself in then they will surely die - along with how many others because I will be asked to name names and I know they are not all guilty because half of them are not even themselves anymore because he has his hand up their asses making them think and speak through Imperious! And because I know what else must have happened by now –
No. There will be more blood on my hands if I turn myself in. I wish I could turn myself in! I should be in prison! I deserve more than anyone to be punished by Dementors – but there again that won't solve this
I'd run to Dumbledore, but he never trusted me. Were I to beg him and offer my life he would not take it because he always took their side and even though it is there side he'd let them die to spite me I know it…
I have to do something. I don't care what I have to do I'll do anything!
I have to – I will do everything I can that is within my power to protect them – they are all that matters. James – even James I would gladly die to save him – and her son! Her son – Dear God he is an infant! Take my life! Take it! Let them live - let her live - please God let them all live!
If I beg him – if I offer him anything – he will help he has to I know it
~May - Night
He swears he will…
Not sure what is – what town Hogsmeade am I –
I have never been so afraid in my life… God help them – how dare I –
It's a boy. They named him Harry.
~January it's a Tuesday
I still play part. I still play dead. One false more and it all falls apart. I am not afraid to die, but I have never been more afraid in my life. I don't dare write much, I don't dare undo the seals on this book. I do as he says. I do nothing, I see no one. I am more alone now than ever I was, and I can't do anything to help. I hate feeling helpless but its better this way. I have no right to… I can only stay silent and pray that silence will be enough.
The world is over. There is nothing left to me but to serve him – he who is all that is left to me.
There is no time now –
All I am – all I have said and done - all I have brought upon – I should have died but I didn't.
Keep your head down and lie or
Stand, fight and die – in vain.
There is no choice – there never was.
I finally understand that now – I understand everything now – that it is too late. Even now I cannot stop crying to see straight to write but I know and this last act must be done...
All those times I was afraid, I wanted to be fearless and I wasn't. It doesn't matter. Even now I am afraid I will fail… but courage has nothing to do with being unafraid.
Bravery has nothing to do with dying. I could have died but I didn't. That I live now – that I can use what I know of the other side to our sides advantage that is all that matters. I will stay silent until the moment comes – and when it does, we will stop this – all of this - forever.
Everyone is gone, anyone I cared about and it is I who is to blame for it. I am to blame for so many things….
All of my sins do I fully see now. I should have given my life once before in another form but did not do so for my stupidity. In truth that was never a possibility, I was not meant for such things and yet still, it was wrong, and I am sorry.
One last sacrifice for one final sin.
I bury this book in the Earth, and to that, know that I still live inside… this that I bury as my sacrifice… poor substitute that it is…
If you meant it, then I am sorry. But this is all I can give, and all I can do to explain. There is no time. There is nothing remaining in me to offer other than this shadow of my past. I shed my past now, as one sheds a skin. When the moment comes, I will be ready. My old life is over - I die to live another life. But this next life will not be my own.
My life belongs to him now.
"If it keeps on raining, levee's going to break.
When the levee breaks I'll have no place to stay
Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good…"
For years I was unsure if I should write this account, but now I know that it must be done. All this is quite difficult to relate. I am thoroughly ashamed of my past, and there is so much that I would gladly take back. As painful as is to write, to read, and to remember, it must be done. Only through examining our past mistakes and transgressions, can we come to truly understand what transpired. Only through that understanding can we make certain that none of this will ever happen again.
It is quite simple to say, those of us who willingly became Death Eaters were wrong. We were of course, but what others must understand is that no one is born into evil. We are all defined by choices, yes, but choices for some are not so easy. Choices for most, are far more limited than we like to believe.
Not a day goes by that I don't regret taking the Dark Mark. Were I to go back now, knowing what I know, I would have never followed Avery down that path. All of those times I could have turned back. All of those times, I could have done the right thing… All of that precious time I once had, and I never told him how much I loved him.
I loved Severus from the moment I set eyes on him and he never knew…
He was right. I had been with many boys before him. I behaved in the same wild manner with them as I did with him. But it pains me now to know he so often thought me unfaithful when we were together. From the moment we first shared that kiss I never once went back to any of my former flings. I was completely, hopelessly in love with him, and only him. I would have told him I loved him, but what good would it have done? It hurts, to hold the man you love, when the emblem of the woman he loves is emblazoned so boldly on his arm.
I fell in love with Severus the first moment I saw him on step onto the Hogwarts Express. He walked past me with out noticing how I stood transfixed in his presence. He took the compartment next to mine, with Lily. I wished the entire train ride for the courage to, at the very least introduce myself but, I had just lost my sister and I was still quite shaken.
My sister had left for Hogwarts two years earlier. We were always so close to one another. We were practically twins, but she died of a sudden illness shortly after returning home for the summer holidays. I'd always imagined my first trip on the train, how she would be there to hold my hand. I was always so sure she would be there to guide me through my first year. As I sat watching Severus and Lily talk and laugh, I felt her absence that much more. I remember thinking that had Meg been there, she surely would have introduced us, and so I let my grief get the better of me.
I couldn't believe my luck when I had been given another chance just hours later when we all lined up to be sorted in The Great Hall. I stood just behind him in the queue of students, I still couldn't find the courage to speak to him but I stood behind him taking him in all the same. His sweet face, his beautiful long black hair... Oh yes I sat there all those years listening to the nose jokes, and the greasy hair taunts. They were terribly exaggerated and I fear he took those cruel comments to heart. He was in truth, a very striking young man…
I couldn't take my eyes off of him. For such a young boy there was already such a sadness and loss in his eyes. I suppose, that is why I fell so hard for him. I sensed a kindred spirit with whom I could share my heart. I always felt so out of place, and he seemed to feel the same. I was so grateful to be standing with him in those fearful moments we spent waiting to be sorted.
I had almost worked up the courage to ask him his name when Minerva McGonagall called for him to be sorted. She said his name. I remember repeating that name to myself several times before I finally remembered where we were. I looked up in time to see him sorted. I had just watched my cousin be sorted into Slytherin. My whole family before me, save for my sister in Ravenclaw were all Slytherins. So there was of course a great pressure for me to continue the family legacy, but all that mattered little to me until the instant I saw Severus Snape sorted into Slytherin.
The hat took ages it seemed, when my time came. I was terrified but in the end my wish was granted, and I was sorted with him into Slytherin.
Of course it didn't take long for me to understand where I truly stood. I could tell after our first day that he was deeply in love with Lily Evans. But she seemed so kind so on our forth day I decided to put prejudice aside and ask her if she loved Severus. She laughed sweetly at my prying question. She said that she thought of him as her brother. We both giggled together as little girls do. Then she asked me, "Do you?" I told her the truth, and begged her not to tell anyone. She never did. She was such a nice girl.
I fully understood why he loved her so very much. I accepted it, but I always hoped he would one day come around. I never gave up the hope that he, like Romeo to Roselyn would cease to love her from afar, but of course that never happened. Instead I spent most of my time with my cousin and his friends. He would come around sometimes. I was always so thrilled when he did, but he never stayed with us long. No one knew where he would disappear to, but I knew. He would always sneak off to see what Lily and the other Gryffindor kids were doing.
I had all but given up hope. Then in our last year he started spending time with us again. Lily and James became a couple. It took all the courage I had, but I took my chance asked him to my room. He came of course, night after night he came to me, but I knew he was never really there with me.
He was always so distant and so tense when we were together. I knew why this was of course, but I never let on for fear of exacerbating his distress. I knew his thoughts were of her. I knew his heart and his soul were always with her, but that it was me whom he saw when he looked out from those sad eyes. That is why I took to blindfolding him. I thought that if he could not see, he could better imagine that I was Lily.
I did it for his sake. To a naïve teenage girl, it seemed at the time, to be the least I could do for him. It all seemed so unfair. Night after night I was able to be with the one I loved when he himself could not.
I continued this practice when I designed his mask, or at least I tried. Wilkes did not include the blinders I had designed for it. Even then, especially then I wanted to obscure his vision. I did not want him to see the horror we had brought him to. We were all such bad kids in school. We were for so long, nothing more than naïve children rebelling until we found our proper place. But when Avery brought us to him, I knew it we had crossed the line. I was scared, but I knew there was no turning back. Worse, I knew Severus was only there because of us. He was innocent, and I foolishly thought, that if he did not see the evil we would commit, he would remain safe.
It didn't work of course. Would that he had not heard those words that night, would that we had kept to our studies and not snuck out all those times… Had I known those nights were those walks to Hogsmeade would eventually lead, I am certain neither he nor I, nor even Evan would have continued… but the time for those choices are long since past.
I have committed so many sins. I have spent these long years since those times doing all that I could to make amends. So many foolish acts I look back upon now. In my youth I was so distressed. Why I became a serpent I cannot say. I was ashamed of my Animagus form even then. I told no one save Severus, and he, bless his soul, never once let on that he was repulsed by me. Never once did he betray my trust. I have not transformed since those years, and yet still I can remember how it was. I was always so cold in serpent form, but gliding across his skin, feeling so intensely the beat of his heart, I always felt warmth in mine.
We reptiles can be so cold and violent, but that is only a small part of what we are. We are predators yes, but we too desire love. So often we serpents are seen as aggressors, but there is a delicate, graceful manner in which we can move, and caress that which we love. We are seen as low, but being so closely rooted to the Earth, we posses a strong sense of intuition that others do not. We have a deep understanding of all that we touch. When I crept across him, I sensed his kind, loving, albeit deeply wounded heart as no one else ever did. No one knew him for what he truly was. That innocent boy with sad eyes who stood beside me in The Great Hall all those years ago that I saw, that I still see what no one else ever saw. They looked at him and saw dirty hair and a green robe. He was judged so unfairly. He never had a chance.
I fear now – knowing how he has always suffered such intense guilt for his actions, how he must be punishing himself for his mistakes after what happened to James and Lily. I know that He Who Must Not Be Named acted on the intelligence gleamed from a fortuneteller. I know he had Severus watching the fortunetellers. I fear now the anguish he must suffer, for surely he blames himself. I can only imagine all to well, all the many years he has spent punishing himself and attempting to atone. It must have been so awful for him. I know. I too have faced the same torment.
It should have been me who died in Godric's Hollow that night. It should have been me, Tisiphone, the Death Eater named after a fury who died, and not an innocent young mother. That vile of Felix Felicis was always meant for her. I knew all to well what that glass vile represented to Severus, and that is why I refused it so adamantly. All of his hard work and sacrifice was meant for her and not me. But in the end, I had to accept it. Still, the knowledge Lily died and I lived because of that vile which was meant for her, haunts me every moment of every day.
I did exactly what he told me to do. I waited. The war became too terrible, Evan had already died and I knew it was only a matter of time before they asked me to fight and kill as they had him. I drank the Felix Felicis Severus had given me. That night there was a meeting. Every single Death Eater, save Severus was there. I couldn't believe it. A fight broke out between a few of the masked Death Eaters, and it quickly became a full-scale brawl between almost everyone in attendance.
I knew it would be my only chance, and I was not about to squander what Severus had sacrificed for me. My wand was out, and before I even knew what I was doing, I had cast Obliviate - on every single Death Eater. Even now I know the odds of such a thing to be imposible, but my Memory Charm had worked on all of them, including He Who Must Not Be Named. Not one of them noticed. They all just went back to fighting. You Know Who himself turned to break it up. At that, I ran and never looked back.
The Memory Charm was entirely succseful. I know this, because the moment I escaped the mark on my arm had faded. It still seems impossible, but it happened. Though I still feel the shame of it as if it were still upon me, my Dark Mark is gone. God bless Horace and Severus. I know the price of my freedom. It was unfairly given to me when so many others were forced to suffer.
I did exactly as I promised. I waited for him, at our tree in the forest. I went back nearly every day after I fled, but he never came. One day however, I returned to find a record lying at the roots of the tree. A wizard passing by would certainly over look it as a piece of Muggle rubbish. I however, recognized it instantly. The black and white image of a man, whom we always said was no mere Muggle, was none other David Bowie. The record was Heroes, my favorite, as Severus of course knew. We listened it together so often, and I knew it instantly to be a sign from him.
I lifted it from the ground and found the earth beneath to be slightly disturbed. I dug and after a few moments, I found his journal, and nothing else. I had no idea what to make of it at first, but all too soon I realized that he had left it for me because he never meant to come back.
I cried for weeks. I debated even longer the merits of reading the book. He was always so secretive. I couldn't bear to invade his privacy in such a way. Finally I came to accept that he had left it for a reason. Perhaps I would even find some explanation inside, but I didn't.
To read it was agony. I felt such guilt at doing so, and such sadness for him. I knew he was hurt, but I had no idea the full extent of his suffering. As I feared, his journal offered no answers, and his words only filled me with more guilt and sadness. It took years for me to fully understand. With Severus, there were no simple answers.
I never put much stock into his final entries. By then he seemed so far from reason, and in my distress could not accept the things that he wrote. So easy had it been for me to accept all the entries in which he accused me of terrible evil, for I believed myself to be guilty of it. It took years for me to accept that in the end he had tried to understand me. Reading his final entry I think he may have been trying to convey things to me, things he was far to afraid to express outright should his journal fall into the wrong hands.
Still, all this has provided me little closure. My only solace these many years has been my work. After The War, I fled the world we knew. I ran in fear, guilt and shame to the outskirts of the world. I live now as moderately as possible in a small cottage hidden deep in a forest. I have been in hiding. All of the Death Eaters who got away, my family among them, they are still out there. I am afraid of them. I am afraid that they will find me one day and come to remember me.
Still, I have not given into that fear completely. I emerge from my protections and solitude from time to time in order to help as many people as I can. I have dedicated myself to healing. I have been discretely using my potion making skills to help Wizards and Muggles alike. That is all I can do.
I know what he has done for her son, and I can only hope my efforts will be in equal measure to his sacrifice. It is all that I can do.
I write this account now, for I fear what history will reflect of him. Though I cannot release our words yet, when the moment comes, the world will know who we were, how he saved me, and how he surely saved countless others.
He wanted so much to give me a gift on my birthday, to repay me for that silly coat. He worried over what he would give me. Though he did not mean it as such or even notice the date, he gave me that vile three days before my birthday. I gave him a coat and he saved my life. I helped lead him down that dark path. I got away, and he never even had a chance.
Judge me all you will for I am guilty. He will certainly be accused for many evil deeds. He is guilty, as is everyone of making many mistakes. Yes, his actions caused terrible things to happen, but before one can judge those actions, one must fully accept what led him to such deeds. There are those who will say he chose wrong. He did, but he had far less of a choice than most care to see. They see only what they want to see. They see a simplified version of the truth where people are separated cleanly into good an evil. That is too easy. Life and truth are never so simple.
The truth is that Severus was put into an imposible position. The world failed him. In the end he was left with no place else to turn.
His family did not care for him, as all children deserve to be cared for. The school only failed him further as well all know. I failed him too. I should have given him my love. I should have been open with him. I should have told him the truth. Perhaps if he had known love, none of this would ever have happened.
I should have tried. Despite my knowing he would never reciprocate, I should have told him I loved him, and now it is too late. I last saw him just a few days before graduation. I never even got to say good-bye. I should have tried.
The world is what we make of it. We are defined by our choices, but do not be so quick to judge the choices made by others that you do not like or understand. Do not see the world for black and white, but for its beautiful shades of gray. Be patient and try to understand before you draw lines in the sand.
If you see an injustice, if you see a child picked on, if you see anything you feel is wrong, please stand up. Do not be afraid to fight for what you believe in. Above all else, do not be afraid to love. You will be hurt, and you will be rejected at some point but that kind of hurt only helps us to grow and better understand others. Do not be afraid to love. Only through devotion to each other and to the world at large can we hope for a better life.
I know what Severus has done. He is a hero. And I can only hope that when the moment comes, we will all be as strong, and as brave as was he…