Author's Notes: This is inspired from…somewhere. I think on You Tube, where someone made a comment that went something like 'Soundwave could have used the prisoners as hostages and he and Shockwave weren't as smart as they were in all the other series'. Thus this was born as to how exactly Soundwave and Shockwave lost those essential brain cells. Or are they memory chips?
This is utter IDIOCY. Crack. Humor. Mild G1 bashing, mostly due to Spike bringing Soundwave into the base in 'More than Meets the Eye.' But Soundwave loves the eighties.
He invented techno, I kid you not :)
World: Movie, with a slight G1 crossover.
Characters: Soundwave, Shockwave, Starscream, Megatron, Blaster, Moonracer, Firestar and Chromia.
Summary: Pre-Dark of the Moon. Soundwave wants revenge. Shockwave has double vision. Or, why these two traditionally intelligent and composed Decepticons act like angry idiots. Decepticon-centric.
Read on, faithful readers!
"You thought you could just waltz in here disguisedas a tape deck?"
Soundwave looked up from where he lay, which was under the Autobot Communication Officer's feet. His Autobot counterpart and archrival in an even greater extent than Bumblebee glared.
"Affirmative." Would lying here prevent any more damage? Blaster seemed to be in a rare bad mood. Perhaps because he had been forced to leave his console's streaming of Linkin Park's World Tour and rescue the Health and Human Services building from Soundwave.
"Does this look like an eighties TV show?" Blaster asked rhetorically. It was five thirty a.m. on this dustball, and the Autobot was not amused. Well, he had been up for a while, but Linkin Park was live.
"The eighties: superior. I started techno in 1988. The eighties are mine." Soundwave was extremely proud of this, and would begin working on a time machine as soon as the resources were available.
"I would think so, what with that ridiculous monotone of yours!" Blaster hauled Soundwave up and debated whether to offline the mech once and for all. He was finally bigger than him!
Then he had a thought. He was not EVIL!
"You owe me." Soundwave said finally, dropping his blue and white tape-deck colouring and reverting back to his silver Mercedes-Benz (SLS AMG) form. He loved his alt-mode.
The other mech was putting up no resistance, looking at Blaster rather pathetically with turbo-puppy optics. And Blaster was not one to kill a being when not fighting.
Blaster groaned and switched to English for the convenience of the humans who wanted to know why Blaster wasn't ripping Soundwave's face apart. Really, where did they get these ridiculous ideas from? Like an Autobot was capable of killing a Decepticon in that horrible way.
"That was an accident!" the red Autobot exclaimed, dropping Soundwave as he flailed his arms in defiance. The silver Mercedes-Benz landed on his backside with a jarring thud. Somehow, this caused something in his vocaliser to crackle, sputter and die out.
"Erasing my creations memories and personalities is not an accident." Soundwave said. "Ravage was unable to articulate anything. And Laserbeak is still deficient in transforming."
"You, your spawn and Megatron can-" Blaster began. "Wait. Say that again."
Soundwave repeated what he had said.
And realized it.
His beautiful, singsong monotone was gone. Gone gone gone! Soundwave nearly had a spark-attack.
"Souuuundwaavvee…" Blaster laughed, drawing out consonants and vowels randomly. "Your monotone is goneee."
"Hehe." Soundwave said, in a very evil and throaty way. Yes. This was certainly better than before.
"Can you blame me for being mad? Translating for those insane singing beings? Everyone else could understand them! They were just pretending not to!" Blaster had dropped the subject of Soundwave's voice and had decided to go back.
Soundwave nodded in sympathy, looking for a quick exit. "The Decepticons were the same."
For additional emphasis, he played back, "My tapes! You erased my tapes!"
Blaster sighed. "Fine. Get lost."
"But I need information."
Something had been lost in the time Megatron had sent him to the Autobot base and now, possibly when Blaster had been slamming his helm into the floor. He couldn't remember what he needed to find.
Quietly, he opened a channel to their campout in Africa.
"He and Starscream went for a walk," Shockwave said shortly. "What do you need? Have you been captured by the Autobots? Have you lost your face?"
"No!" Soundwave shouted, causing all the humans (and Blaster) to stare at him. "I mean, yes, I've lost my voice. Part of it. But that's not why I'm calling, my dead – I mean dear comrade."
"Is your processor functional?" Shockwave asked. "Have the Autobots dismembered you?"
"No, no. I am fine. But what was I supposed to retrieve?"
"I thought you were supposed to drive up in your convincingly expensive alt-mode disguised as an Autobot and place bombs."
Soundwave twitched, ignoring Blaster's curious looks.
"I needed information of some kind." Soundwave said. "Like on Cybertron."
"Oh! I see. Tech specs, the size and mass of the planet, I suppose?"
"Yeah! That's it." Soundwave sent the Cyclops Decepticon a warm telepathic hug, suddenly feeling extremely, inexplicably, goofy. "Thanks Shocky!"
"My name is not-" Cheerfully, Soundwave cut the communications link.
"So I need stuff-" Soundwave couldn't remember the technological term Shocky had used "on Cybertron. We're planning to bring Cybertron here."
Blaster laughed at the inanity of the idea. "What an inane idea. Bring Cybertron here. As if that wouldn't cause massive problems, the like of which haven't been seen since The Day After Tomorrow!"
"It's not funny," Soundwave sulked. "It's not my idea either. Please, Blaster my best buddy who killed my children?"
Let the telepathic idiot get himself laughed out of the Decepticons, Blaster thought. He accessed a terminal and pulled out all the remaining information on Cybertron. Saving it onto a USB (let the telepathic idiot try and work this, Blaster thought maliciously) he handed it to Soundwave, who actually hugged him in joy before transforming, revving his extremely throaty engine and driving into the sunrise.
Blaster sighed and turned back to his console, tapping a finger on the screen to the percussion of No More Sorrow.
He would write the report later.
Soundwave cackled in glee as he magically somehow arrived in Namibia, Africa. Speeding up, he transformed at the last moment and tackled Shockwave in a huge hug, attempting to send him to the ground. Since the mauve Decepticon was twice his size and nearly three times his mass, hitting him did not have Soundwave's desired effect. He did not move a centimeter.
"Soundwave." Shockwave not-too-gently extracted Soundwave from his torso and dumped him to the hardened soil. "Was your mission successful?"
"Ohh completely." Soundwave smirked, jumping up to touch one of Shockwave's antennae.
Shockwave's single optic narrowed and he grabbed the smaller Decepticon's arm in case he decided to touch his antennae again or run away. "Are you drunk?"
"No, no." Soundwave paused, then looked up at Shockwave. "Shockwave?"
Even with his extremely deep and menacing voice, Soundwave sounded terrified.
"Something's wrong with me." He paused. "I've been singing Owl City all the way here, mixed in with E Nomine. They do not go well together, but I just couldn't bring myself to care!"
"Perhaps I should examine your processor," Shockwave said neutrally, unsure if Soundwave's illogical behavior could turn violent. "To see if the Autobots have changed your programming in any way."
You mean completely slagged it, Shockwave corrected himself. Probably needs a total revamp if his processor and memory chips…as if I didn't have enough to do. Unfortunately, Soundwave had heard the cynical thought and began tugging at his arm, trying to get away.
"I am not going to hurt you," Shockwave grunted after being shot in the face with one of Soundwave's sonic cannons. "So calm down!"
"Lies, lies – lies!" Soundwave sang as Shockwave threw him into a rather large tree and knocked him unconscious.
Wa-wa-wa and 'next time Gadget' signaled the silver Mercedes-Benz had gone into stasis.
"It appears to be a concussion." Shockwave said to Megatron.
"A what?" Starscream rasped. "In Cybertronian, please. We're not even in America."
Shockwave quickly rattled off the Cybertronian translation and turned back to his leader.
"He needs a nice quiet recharge, a lot of energon and some intensive therapy. If he isn't treated successfully, we can expect continued illogical behavior, aggressive techniques and eventual offlining, due to a damaged processor or his own actions." Shockwave said calmly from his position on top of the silver Mercedes. They did have a glaring lack of containment.
"I am not sick!" he protested. "I want to get out and KILL! I want to KILL that whiny yellow Autobot who pulled my poor kitty's tail out! NO PRISONERS – ONLY TROPHIES!"
"I see." Megatron said, stroking his chin. "Well, I put that duty in charge of you, my dear fourth-in-command. And see to it the elephants do not come charging into our camp again. I can only shoot so many before authorities come to investigate."
"A compliment that has less and less meaning," Starscream said darkly, referring to Shockwave's rank. "Seeing as all four of us can die in about twenty minutes in extremely excruciating and humiliating ways."
"What?" all three mechs said in unison.
"Never mind. I'm leaving now to seduc – I mean reconnaissance with Laserbeak." With that, the Seeker walked out of their tent and transformed, kicking up a cloud of dust.
"Soundwave," Megatron ordered. "Get some recharge. I need you in optimal condition for tomorrow's mission."
"My lord," Shockwave said nervously. "I do not believe Soundwave will be able to handle any sort of task. Look." He pointed to the immobilized spymaster, who was cursing Starscream for seducing his precious child and the Autobots for animal abuse.
"Well, see that he is functional by sunrise." Megatron said, taking a sip of high-grade oil.
"Sir, that is impossible. He's got a very serious-"
"I am not sick!"
"-injury which will not heal overnight. It could take weeks of earth time."
"Is that my problem?" Megatron swayed as he stood to refuel his barrel.
"Considering that he is your third in command? Yes."
Megatron sighed. "Fine. Then you can complete his mission."
Twelve human hours later, Shockwave found himself standing in the wake of devastation.
The oil company had been completely blown apart. Small fires littered the premises. Well, there had been a very big fire earlier, and this was all that was left. All because of a very strange thing.
Shockwave had missed.
He did not miss. He was the pinnacle of logic, the hyper-logical - the ubermech!
He hit everything perfectly, with unerring accuracy every single time.
He rubbed his optic to try and get the ash to fall out. Five human minutes ago, he had been extracting his helm from the ground. He hoped he hadn't gotten an injury similar to Soundwave's.
"HAHAHA!" Moonracer jeered from her position on the roof of a nearby building. "Won't be able to get any of your precious oil now, will you, Shockers!"
Really, these ridiculous nicknames had to end. Now. If not now, then very soon. Shockwave realized he was developing double vision, which was impossible since he had only one optic, but there were two Moonracers laughing at him…odd.
He took aim and fired at the one on the left.
And missed by nearly six meters.
Firestar and Chromia cackled from somewhere to his right.
"A thousand curses upon you and your foul kind!" Shockwave shouted. His not oft-used voice (he had only said a few sentences recently) trailed off and began to resemble a Cybertronian who was beginning purge his fuel tanks.
"Driller!" he choked out, hoping the semi-sentient creature was in hearing distance.
Thankfully, the black worm came out of the ground like a Graboid and cheerfully ate Moonracer. Firestar and Chromia began shooting both of them, but with THE DRILLER at his side, Shockwave knew he was invincible.
"Let's burrow!" Shockwave said, happy to mock Optimus's renowned saying. Obediently, THE DRILLER enveloped him (not ate, there is A DIFFERENCE). And tunneled underground, leaving two very confused Autobots.
"Oh Shocky, we can be dumb together. Until we need to go and kill some Autobots. Then there will be…no prisoners. Only trophies."
Soundwave was sitting in Shockwave's lap, content to paw at the pretty images only he could see. Shockwave was trying to see which Soundwave was the real one and throw him off.
"Mighty Megatron…" Starscream said from his corner. In his arms were five hatchlings, and apparently he was trying to shield them from the disturbing sight of the two concussed (and therefore insane) mechs. "This is not good for the hatchlings. Careful, fragile."
"Then do something about it!" Megatron snarled. "I rule over fools. Soft, weak fools who cannot kill."
"Well, technically, the Autobots are far more vicious than us." Starscream said. "Remember, you killed Jazz. During which battle the humans and Autobots managed to kill Boncrusher, Frenzy and Blackout. And you, sir."
Megatron hissed cruelly, remembering that horrible day.
"Then after that, they killed everyone except that funny looking mech, myself and you. And I think we killed three Autobots. At most."
"Ravage!" Soundwave wailed, jumping off of Shockwave. "Time to die, Autobots!"
"This time," Starscream continued. "I believe they will kill us all. So I shouldn't have to do anything about it. You do it and see if you can do something right."
"If you were not holding children," Megatron said. "I would kill you."
"He said 'of course, mighty Megatron'."
Megatron viewed his ramshackle troops. Shockwave still looked slightly charred and Soundwave appeared ready to blast a hole in something. Starscream had retreated to his corner, hatchlings in tow.
"What did you do?" the Seeker asked.
"A little high grade, some pressure to the helm…"
"You've probably made it worse."
Shockwave gurgled something.
"He said your 'cure' will eventually render him mute and will make myself an aggressive, vengeful Decepticon." Soundwave translated.
"Just what I need in a mech!" Megatron cheered. "I should have done this earlier."
"You need a spy! Not someone who's going to try and slaughter every Autobot he sees and or captures!" Starscream shrieked.
"You won't do that…will you?" Megatron obligingly asked. Not that he really cared.
"Hehe. Of course not." Soundwave's red optics glinted at the thought. He loved his evil laugh. "No killing, only spying." On Decepticons, he added mentally.
"See?" Megatron cheerfully smacked Starscream's helm. Soundwave smirked smugly. Starscream glared. "Now, Shockwave. I need you to go and steal a part of The Ark. We must put my greatest plan into action."
Shockwave and Driller obediently burrowed, vanishing from view.
"Soundwave." Megatron said. "I need you to go with Laserbeak and kill some nasty humans. Can you do that?"
Soundwave cackled and summoned his flying minion, then blasted into the sky.
"We're all going to die," Starscream said, twitching his wings. "Dead dead dead."
Megatron cuffed him.
Hope you all enjoyed! Please review on what you liked/didn't like!