Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter J.K Rowling does.
Thanks goes to MariusDarkwolf for editing this chapter.
I know this one shot was uploaded before in my HHR oneshot story but today I kind of pissed of my brother and he in his infinite wisdom saw fit to log onto my account and delete that story.
You see a lot of stories based on the Reptilia challenge so thought that I would take a crack at it. So here is a one shot loosely based on it about how Harry met his Guardian Angel.
Cheers rose all around him. He had finally defeated the greatest dark lord ever. He lowered his wand and a small smile broke across his face as he saw his best friend Hermione run towards him, smiling and with tears streaming down her face. His other best friend meanwhile just pointed his wand towards him and screamed out loud "Reducto."
And the only thought to go through Harry's mind was "Oh shit."
He kept his eyes closed and wondered if he was going to end up in the same train station as before but for some reason the ground felt different, it felt like carpet. Slowly he creaked open his eyes and saw that he was currently laying on the floor of what appeared to be a waiting room of some sorts. Slowly Harry got up and looked around the room. The walls were nice white color with a few framed pictures decorating it. There were a few plush chairs scattered around the room with a large coffee table covered with an assortment of magazines. At what appeared to be the back of the room was an old lady sitting behind a large desk knitting something.
Harry strode towards her wondering where on earth he was when she suddenly said "You are not on earth."
Harry gave her a curious look and wondered how the hell did she know that, she replied suddenly "I can read your mind."
Harry started freaking out a bit and began wondering if she also knew what color underwear he was wearing to which she replied again with a smirk on her face "You are not wearing any Mr. Commando. Go through the door on the right there is someone waiting for you."
A totally freaked out Harry Potter quickly walked past her towards the door mentioned with a hand covering his genitals. He looked at the large ornate wooden door in front of him and opened it stepping into a large plush office. The floor was covered in a lush red carpet and the walls were of high quality marble. Sadly though when Harry noticed the only occupant of the room, that person was not as plush as the office.
Behind a superb looking oak desk sat a rather fat man, he was balding and did not look like he had shaved in days. His clothes were stained and appeared to have been worn for a few days. In short the man looked like a hobo.
As Harry walked towards the man, the man looked up from what he was doing and saw him coming towards him.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" the man exclaimed.
Shocked Harry froze in front of the desk and looked at the man questioningly before asking "What do you mean? Where is here? What am I doing here? Who are you?"
The man looked up at him like he was a mad man and said "shut up and sit down boy."
Slightly scared Harry sat down in one of the chairs and looked at the man inquiringly.
"You know how much trouble you get me into. I know you don't even remember me from all the other times you died and came here, so I am going to have to do the introductions again, my name is David and I am your guardian angel."
Harry looked at him in shock, he had died before, this was news to him and how the hell did that happen.
"I died before? How?" asked Harry
David took out what appeared to be a half eaten burger from his desk drawer and began eating before he answered Harry "Oh yeah, you died loads of times. Once you died when you tried to shave your balls and cut yourself. Another time you rather stupidly pointed your wand at yourself and just said Avada Kadavra."
Harry just sat back in shock and horror before he asked "What now? I mean what is going to happen to me?"
The man waved his hand in a don't know manner splattering Harry in some tomato sauce. "No idea. I don't really care because you are the worse human I have ever had to be a guardian angel to."
This confused Harry, what did he do wrong, "What did I do wrong to become the worse. I mean I defeated Voldemort."
David shrugged and wiped his hand on his clothes before replying "So what, anyone can defeat a dark lord. You see Harry, your problem is that you are still a virgin. And I am sorry to say that you are going to be one of the laughing stock up here. I mean you were famous down there and you could have had any girl in the world but no you had to be a stuck up little pansy. I'm sure that a lump of excrement gets more ass than you."
"But life is not all about shagging. I mean I was with Ginny I kissed her a few times."
David gave a laugh and said "Oh that whore, yeah I'm sorry to say this Harry but she was just using you, also whenever you were kissing her you were tasting cock."
Harry paled at this and quickly changed the subject "what do you mean using me?"
"Oh she was just using you for the money, she, her brother Ron, her mother ad that old bloke Dumbdoor or something."
"Yeah that's the bloke; I am rather forgetful with names. Also you had a real soul mate, why didn't you go with her?"
"A soul mate. Who?"
"Oh I don't know, just some girl with a weird name. it was Herm…umm…Hermany Granger or something. Yeah it was some Granger girl."
"Yeah that's the one. Quite a hard name she has there but any way there you had a young nubile fresh woman who would do anything for you and you just did fuck all."
"Yeah you were such a retard. You know I think if you ever had to act in a porno. You would go to the woman's house to fix her boiler and she would be there in her stockings and underwear waiting for you to take her but sadly you would just fix her boiler and go home."
Harry just sat there unable to think properly as David carried on rambling about. After about a minute Harry came out of his shock and said "So you are saying, the Weasley's and Dumbledore used me and Hermione is my soul mate?"
"Yes that is exactly what I am saying."
Harry sat back and slumped down "So now what, I'm dead. What use is all this information going to do for me?"
David gave him a smile and said "Ah ha, you see I know someone who knows someone who robbed someone. So I can now send you back in time."
Harry got up at what he had just said "Really?"
"Yes. I am going to send you back in time to around your third year but there are some things that you must do when you are down there."
Eager to hear what new found knowledge David had, Harry leaned forward to listen clearly.
"You need to get laid. Have a threesome, have an orgy. Get some STD's. Steal some shit. Get a tattoo. Do something good for fucks sake. I do not want to be the laughed at by the other guardian angels just because you are a prude, I mean even Gandhi got laid. So the next time that I see you will be when you are an old wrinkled man, you got that."
Harry nodded at this and began saying a mantra in his head 'have sex with Hermione, make her yours.'
David looked at him before saying "Well what the fuck are you still doing here. Go, get out I got shit to do."
Harry stood up and nodded at him still saying his mantra in his head. He then ran towards the door that David had pointed out to and jump through it where he was enveloped in a bright white light before his world turned to darkness again.
Harry's Guardian Angel is based of comedy actor David Koechner.
Please R&R and thank you for reading.