Oh Dang!

Puck had never imagined he'd end up here. Kurt pursed his lips. They had the exact same problem. It was summer and even though both of them had nothing important weighing them down, they knew that something had to give.

They both weren't getting any.

Puck was sex deprived ever since he'd fallen hard for Lauren Zizes. And even though the kissing was great, his hand was getting a bit too much use. And if he dared look at Santana, he'd get punched out. He needed to get laid. And he needed to get laid by Lauren.

Which was about as likely as finding a squirrel with a caffeine addiction and a naturally pink tail. Puck had been dropping so many hints and sometimes when their make out sessions got heated up they were almost there, but she kept shutting him down.

A drastic statement needed to be made.

Kurt sighed heavily across the table. He wasn't any better off than Puck, except for the fact he was a virgin. He was ready to go and take the next step with Blaine, but he had already said it himself, he was about as sexy as a baby penguin. Which means while they had many strings of passionate kisses, they never got much farther. Because he couldn't get Blaine turned on enough to go any farther.

His sexiness factor had something to do with how he still had a baby face and a shy attitude to the whole sex thing. And the fact that he was much more of a romantic. He didn't know much, if anything, about sex between two guys, but he knew even less on how to get it started. It wasn't starting.

A drastic statement needed to be made.

They stared each other down before Puck gave in and began telling his story.

"It's Lauren. She won't give me any."

"I'd say it's Blaine, but actually it's me. I'm not sexy. I can't get my boyfriend of 5 months to hit the next base."

They both sighed collectively. The awkward silence filled the entire coffee shop. Kurt sipped awkwardly at his non-fat Mocha. And then, inspiration struck like lightning.

Kurt perked up. "How about we switch problems? I can work on you getting fucked by Lauren because what she needs is a little romance, right? And you're basically the sex god of McKinley high, you have to know something to make me sexier, right? Easy as pie."

"That's completely… brilliant! We need the right setting. And I have the perfect song for the right mood, we just have to get you drunk enough to sing it." Puck was grinning. Kurt was the best when it came to romance. If he couldn't tell Puck how to charm the pants off of Lauren, no one could. This might actually work.

And he had the perfect idea for Kurt. Kurt was subtle and cute when it came to his boyfriend. He always let Blaine come to him, Blaine text him first, Blaine kiss him first. This time he needed to be bold like he was with Puck and the rest of the boys. Flamboyant and sexy. And there was a song that was flamboyant, dirty, and totally not Kurt's style that would literally scream out the lust. And hell, Puck would help him sing it too. But Kurt wouldn't be bold unless he had enough alcohol in his system to get wasted.

"Drunk? So we're throwing a party? That's not romantic. Take her out away from the party halfway and serenade her by herself with candle light. I'd mention several types of exotic bird feathers, but…" Kurt took a long sip of his coffee. "I think my song choice will be highly appropriate and also highly not your style. You're going to have to suck it up."

Both of them groaned. Puck knew that he could rock almost any song, except for the one that Kurt would pick for him to sing to Lauren that was romantic and highly appropriate that would set the mood. And Kurt already knew that whatever song Puck had chosen would not only be a guy's song that'd sound stupid when sung in his range, but incredibly slutty.

"So, why don't we plan the party. My house. I'll get Carole and my Dad to go on their honeymoon late. I saved up some money from selling my decaying wardrobe, and if they stay in the local area it should be enough to cover everything." Kurt finished off his coffee with a gulp. Puck nodded.

"I'll supply alcohol. Let's get started."

Kurt had found the perfect song and he was more than ready to present it to Puck. Puck was far more nervous and he'd brought his football helmet and a pillow for Kurt's reaction. Luckily enough they were in a public park, so Puck would live at least.

"Puck! I have your song and sheet music. It's a girl's song, but I've adapted it so it's far more fitting to your vocal range." Kurt gave him a wide smile and he produced the sheet music.

Puck blanched. "You're kidding. No way am I ever going to sing this!"

Kurt gave him his famous 'bitch, please' glare, which effectively shut Puck up. "You are going to sing it to Lauren if you want to get rid of your blue ball syndrome. It's romantic, sexy, and it's sweet. You can't say you didn't woo her with this song. Because you have to sing it in a breathy soft voice, it's a major turn on for women."

"You know this how?" Puck was still incredulous. This song was just… he'd expected Aero smith or Motley Crue or U2 or something older that would be sexy and rock. Not this… Not that it wasn't old. It was just not anything he expected. "You're a guy."

"Exactly. I find this song a turn on, because I like romance and if Lauren really wants to be wooed, this song is a wooer. Go ask Rachel or Mercedes their opinions on having a song like this sung to them. They'll respond it's sweet that a guy would sing it, sexy because of how you have to sing it, and romantic because it sets the mood and makes you want to kiss them."

"You have no life, dude." Puck decided that it was better than whatever he was trying now. Lauren was playing hard to get, well he'd whip out everything that he could get. She'd be so romanced that she couldn't breathe. And then she'd spread her legs. And bye bye blue ball syndrome!

Kurt tapped his foot. "I need my sheet music as well Puck. Or did you not prepare anything?"

Puck gulped, put on his helmet, and placed the pillow on his chest. Kurt gave him a look that said he'd better not be trying anything stupid. And then he did the stupidest thing he'd ever done. Puck handed Kurt the sheet music.

The great explosion came in three stages.

Kurt read the title, and blushing heavily, continued onto the first set of lyrics. He blanched, his face going white. Then it started to color as he continued, until it was a bright maroon.

The second stage came as he looked up at Puck. "S-seriously? But I c-can't sing this, let alone to Blaine!"

Puck nodded slowly. "You need to make a statement. This will either make him jealous, or make him horny. So either he fucks you senseless because you are suggesting that onstage or he fucks you senseless because you singing that onstage is sexy."

The third stage came.

"This will fail so epically. I can't rock this song. It'll be awkward and not sexy at all, not to mention my face will be so red that you could fry pancakes on it." Kurt mumbled, his face still red.

"No, because you'll be wasted drunk with no inhibitions." Puck corrected him. "And wearing something utterly and totally sexy."

The explosion came. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!"

Kurt kicked him in the nuts before following it up with a punch to the helmet and a round house kick to bring him all the way down to the ground. Puck whimpered.

"I'll teach you how to dance to it and tell you what you should wear and just how much you can drink!" Puck tried to defend himself from more kicks.

Kurt calmed down after a good stomping on Puck's chest. "I have to be bold. I suppose that's the best way to go."

So their songs were decided.

Puck was let into the Hudson-Hummel household earlier to help Kurt with his planning. The party had been decorated, the lights dim and the music soft and the alcohol securely in the fridge. Carole and Burt were in Westerville for the entire weekend, enjoying their honeymoon.

Finn grinned at him before pointing up the stairs to Kurt's room. "He's in there, freaking out over what to wear. I don't know why, everyone is supposed to dress sexy and he'll never pull that off so he might as well just go with casual."

Puck frowned. Of course. Kurt couldn't pull off sexy without major help from him. He strutted into the house and up the stairs like he owned the place. Nothing was quite better than feeling confident in himself after all. Confident is sexy. Maybe that's where Kurt needed his help.

Kurt was a skinny, unattractive, pasty person. His sexiness factor was low, and so was his self confidence. Was there a correlation?

Puck swung Kurt's door wide open to be greeted with a not very welcome sight. Kurt in boxer shorts, digging hopelessly through his closet.


"AGH!" Kurt swung around, trying to cover himself with a bright red sweater that Puck recognized from somewhere. "You could've knocked!"

Oh yeah, he wore that a while back when he was interrogated about the Glist. Puck stared at Kurt's arms, slender yet muscled. He could do something with that. Chest, not particularly impressive. Stomach… he could work with that. Legs, long. Sexy long. Legs would need to be accented. Face, still painfully lacking. Puck grimaced.

Kurt threw a shoe at him. "Stop staring at me!"

Puck examined his expression. Eyes lidded and bottom lip just slightly out. Maybe he could pull of a sort've Marilyn Monroe sexy. An old fashioned sexy.

Puck grinned. "I have the perfect idea."

Kurt just gave him a stricken look.

By the time the rest of the guests were arriving, Kurt had already downed his liquid courage. Puck was keeping strict watch on him and his behavior. Monitoring how much alcohol, and when. Too much at the wrong time and there was going to be nothing sexy happening at this party for him.

Blaine arrived with a large bottle of coke. "Thought you might need it." He smiled.

Puck was trying not to punch Mr. Dapper and Charming because hell that's exactly how things were going to go. Dapper and charming would be all he'd do without a little alcohol faze as well. But Blaine was already weary of the drinks from the last time he'd gotten wasted and ended up kissing Rachel.

Fail. But without a little sloppiness, Blaine would think he was taking advantage of Kurt. And Puck couldn't have that. Because that was not it at all. Kurt was just as sex deprived as Puck.

Puck didn't feel guilty at all, handing Blaine a glass of Sunny D and Rum. That combination was the holy god of mixed drinks, and Blaine had been nursing it for the past ten minutes waiting for Kurt to come downstairs and join the party.

"I know he takes forever to get ready, but this isn't like him. He hates being late." Blaine murmured, taking another sip.

Puck raised an eyebrow. "I know my man, Kurt, and I think he's just being a princess and getting spruced up." He countered, taking a swig of his coke. Plain coke. Lauren was so not worth this. That better be the best sex he'd ever had for this. Free flowing alcohol and he wasn't drinking any? Kurt better have had the right plan here.

Otherwise he'd end up stuck in a pickle.

"So what's with the coke? You were downing booze last time." Blaine said, making some sort of small talk.

"I have a lady to woo. As soon as she gets here, I'll whisk her away to the basement and go some romancing. Can't get drunk for that."

"Kurt threw this party for you then. So you could hook up with a girl? Because this sort of party isn't his style." Blaine took another gulp. He was nearing the bottom. Puck poured a bit more of the rum and Sunny D into his glass while he was watching the staircase for Kurt.

Anytime now Kurt would make his appearance and start in on the sex appeal. But Puck decided that Kurt's liquid courage wasn't quite enough right now. He needed a push in the right direction.

Where the fuck r u? - P

Kurt wasted no time in replying.

This is a horrid idea. I hate you for this. I'm going to make a fool out of myself, and I don't look sexy! - K

Puck grunted. Kurt couldn't back out now, not when the time was right. He needed to boost his confidence and get him going. One easy way to do that.

Send me a pic of yourself. I'll be the judge of how sexy you are. ;D - P

Puck stared as Kurt sent a picture back. The outfit did exactly what Puck had thought it would, and it was sexy. Noah Puckerman knew how to apperciate something sexy, regardless of gender. He was the king of sexy.

You are da sexy beast. - P

Puck, you are one creepy mother fucker. - K

At least the alcohol had certainly loosened up his tongue. Puck grinned. "Princess Kurt will be downstairs momentarily."

Blaine gave him a look that crossed between 'How the hell do you know that?' and 'Keep your filthy hands off my boyfriend', the latter being a good sign. Overprotective. Blaine would be getting jealous tonight. And then Kurt would be getting laid.

If things worked out well enough.

Rachel slid up next to the two of them, obviously well wasted. The pounding music was accompanied by her slurring voice. "I want to sing karaoke now!"

Puck grinned. "Nope. Karaoke starts later."

She punched him lightly in his arm before wandering off back to Finn, who also had Quinn hanging off his arm. The two girls didn't waste any time before they got into a cat fight. Puck left it to Finn to break up, seeing Tina and Mercedes open the door for his special guest.

Sorry Kurt, you took too long. Lauren was already here and ready for the wooing.

"Hey Puckerman. You got any Rum?" Lauren brushed right past him into the bar where Blaine was perched on one of the stools. Puck hadn't prepared for what would happen if she got drunk. Damn. He had no idea what to do.

K, help me! The lady is getting wasted before the tramp can sex her up. - P

The response was instantaneous.

P, I will be down to help, un peu. - K

Wtf does that mean? - P

Retard. - K

Puck watched the stairs as Kurt bounded down silently, his legs making two to three steps at a time. Blaine as soon as he caught a good sight of his boy, withheld a longing growl in his throat. Puck could hear the happy rumbling.

Puck withheld a grin. Kurt had outdone himself.

Kurt was wearing a large button down white shirt that was unbuttoned down to his chest so that you could see his peachy collarbones. The fabric was almost see through and it left nearly nothing to the imagination. A loosely knitted shawl like scarf was draped around his shoulders, and he was wearing skin tight white skinny jeans. He looked like some kind of angel.

His hair was ruffled and it dangled daringly in his glasz eyes. As soon as he was near enough, Blaine caught his elbow and pulled him in for a chaste kiss.

"Missed you." Blaine murmured against his lips.

As much as Puck liked to watch Kurt turn red and get some, he needed Kurt to help him with his romancing. Now. Lauren was an angry girl drunk. Angry girl drunk meant no sex. Lauren needed to be romanced.

But Kurt gave Puck a look that said, there would be no romancing unless she was distracted from the booze first. And Lauren was already slurping down her first glass.

So Puck sent him an urgent text message.

Now is the time. Do it. For my sake. - P

Kurt nodded, the alcohol setting in enough that he was proud enough to get things done. He pushed Blaine away from him, to Blaine's obvious disappointment, and climbed onto the mini stage they had set up for karaoke.

He grabbed the mike and coughed loudly into it. Puck pressed pause on the music, ready to press play for Kurt's song as soon as needed.

"HEY BITCHES!" He screamed into the mike. The whole party sat to attention. "It's time for karaoke, and I'm going first! No complaints Rachel or I'll slap you and Finn! Hit it, Puck!"

Puck pressed play, grinning like the Cheshire cat. Lauren was watching intently, putting down her cup. Yes. Plan successful. Now, before they get bored…

The loud music blared throughout the room. No one recognized it but Puck. Blaine looked a bit speechless.

"Kurt Hummel, you know it is
I'm about to make a bitch drink a bucket a Jizz
One shot to the eye socket
One to the mouth
He in the ring with a king
When he go down south"

Everyone in the party had their jaws on the floor. Puck felt like a proud father. A very proud father.

"Don't cha wish your man had a dick like mine
Porn star status, two at time!"

Blaine had a stupefied look on his face. Because surely Kurt wasn't singing this song to him? Or this song to someone else?

"Hold up Chief,
Your Hubby's gone missing
He over here buck naked
One leg twitching"

Kurt had started to dance onstage, and everyone in the room was staring with wide eyes and maniacal expressions. Blaine had started growling, which meant Mr. Dapper and Charming was taking a break. Perfect.

Puck turned over to Lauren, who was holding her breath with an expression mixed between incredulous and amazed. Her booze forgotten. Thank sweet Kurt. Puck grabbed the cup and tossed it while she wasn't looking.

"I sprayed a load on your boyfriend,
Hit your ex,
Wipe him off with a rag,
Send him home half dressed"

Kurt was singing the entire thing with his Marilyn Monroe eyes pinned on Blaine. Oh yes, someone was getting laid tonight. Puck was extremely proud. This was Kurt, singing something this dirty, in front of the entire glee club. Yes, Kurt of the Broadway musicals was singing this song. This was a new level of naughty.

"He gone Bow Like Rihanna
When he Pon de Replay
I gave him something to remember
Till he old and wrinkly"

"Would you like to bring a friend
The answer is yes
Welcome to the buck naked WWF"

Blaine was building up a rumbling in his chest, while he watched. Jealousy. Puck grinned. Yes. The plan was working.

"One screaming OH YES
One taking a rest
Have a cup of Gatorade
Take a breath, who's NEXT?"

Kurt was shaking his hips and everyone was either quickly becoming horrified (Rachel and Finn), laughing their asses off (Mercedes, Tina, Brittany, Santana, and Quinn), or enthralled (Lauren, Blaine, Artie, Sam, and Mike).

"I switch ho's like sex positions
Get rough pin 'em down
Cuz they never listen"
"Hollering yelling 'I love your dick!'
Have a bite of watermelon
And chill for a bit!"

Kurt stared straight at Blaine and winked, throwing off his scarf into the audience. Puck knew this wasn't part of the plan, but damn Kurt could rock sexy if he lost his restraints. Puck wolf whistled. It was silenced by an overprotective glare from Blaine.

"Oh Dang! Let's Bang!
Oh Dang! Let's Bang!
Oh Dang! Let's Bang!
Oh Dang! Let's Bang!
Oh Dang! Let's Bang!
Oh Dang! Let's Bang!
Oh Dang! Let's Bang!
Oh Dang! Let's Bang!"

Kurt was working on the rest of the buttons on his white shirt, a smirk slipping onto his baby features. Blaine, his attention throughly back to Kurt, was openly gaping once again.

"This one goes out to all the haters
I've fucked more men then the Oakland Raiders
Not the neighborhood slut
Like you did last week
Because I turn nice boys into bedroom freaks!"

The last of the shirts buttons were undone and Kurt let it slip down, exposing his shoulders inch by inch. Puck couldn't stop grinning. This was the moment of truth. Where Kurt went all out. The pants were next.

"Heads knocking into walls
Like the special Olympics
Let me show you what a real bedroom pimp is
One getting head while the other two kiss
Hit 'em both so hard their girl friend's lisped!"

The shirt was still at his elbows when Kurt's finger reached for his zipper. Blaine was gaping like a guppy. Puck was proud. Very very proud. Liquid courage indeed. Go Kurt!

"Yo we sticking to the script like Java
It's a pimp n' ho party at the copa cabanna
Gay game it's a gay thang, gay slang look who came
It's freezie on the treezie with my homie J Beezie
Lil MySpace bitches make it look so easy!"

Buttons and Zipper undone. Blaine with an obvious erection in his pants. Goodbye Blue Balls.

"Oh Dang! Let's Bang!
Oh Dang! Let's Bang!
Oh Dang! Let's Bang!
Oh Dang! Let's Bang!
Oh Dang! Let's Bang!
Oh Dang! Let's Bang!
Oh Dang! Let's Bang!
Oh Dang! Let's Bang!"

Kurt didn't sing the rest of the song, since his voice wasn't made for that sort of vocal range and the part he'd already done had made his voice rough. He did however grin and slid down offstage to where Blaine was sitting on the stool.

"Touch me?" Kurt begged, pulling Blaine with him up the stairs by his tie. As soon as they had left, the party exploded.

"There is no way that was Kurt up there! How wasted was he? He must have been so far gone."

"Oh man will he have a hangover!"

"That just made me question my sexuality."

"Get some, Hummel!"


Puck turned to Lauren, who was joining in with the cheers of "get some!" and grabbed her hand. She gave him a heavy glare. He gave her a sly smile.

"Now that Kurt and Blaine have left there's nothing entertaining. We all know Rachel is going to hog the mike. Come with me?" Puck pulled her a little. Her face stayed stony, but she followed him down into the basement where the music got blocked out.

Yet again, Kurt had out done himself. There were rose petals and candles in just the right places to give the room a romantic glow. Puck grabbed his guitar from where Kurt must have placed it and motioned for Lauren to sit down on the plush couch on the center of the room.

He started strumming the guitar, giving Lauren a playful look.

"Everything you are
Everything you'll be
Touches the current of love
So deep in me."

Puck knew that this song wasn't a song he'd ever do. It was Celine Dion for heaven's sake! But it was romantic and he had to sing it as sexy as he possibly could. Lauren didn't looked wooed enough yet.

"Every sigh in the night
Every tear that you cry
Seduces me."

Puck gave Lauren a roguish grin. Her eyes flashed dark with lust. He strummed at his guitar, feeling more confident.

"All that I am
All that I'll be
Means nothing at all
If you can't be with me"

He made sure his voice was breathy and sultry, because he knew being the big tough man didn't work on Lauren. He had to show a more vulnerable side. And he was enjoying watching her.

"Your most innocent kiss
Or your sweetest caress
Seduces me."

She had a hard time not licking her lips. Puck started to hum. Thank sweet Kurt.

"I don't care about tomorrow
I've given up on yesterday
Here and now is all that matters
Right here with you is where I'll stay"

Puck beckoned her closer, begging her to come join him as he sung.

"Everything in this world
Every voice in the night
Every little thing of beauty comes shining through in your eyes
And all that is you becomes part of me too
'Cause all you do seduces me"

She stood up, stalking closer. He let his eyes trail all over her body, the setting turning him on in all sorts of ways that he hadn't wanted or thought of before.

"And if I should die tomorrow
I'd go down with a smile on my face
I thank God I've ever known you
I fall down on my knees
For all the love we've made"

She pulled him close, so he could sing straight into her ear. Romantic. Sexy. Perfect!

"Every sigh in the night
Every tear that you cry
Seduces me… seduces me
All that you do… seduces me…"

Their lips collided. He peeled off his guitar and dropped it on the floor. Puck guided her to the couch and he grinned against her mouth. Oh yes. Goodbye, blue ball syndrome! Hallelujah!

Puck watched Kurt make coffee. He had a certain after glow. And Puck knew he had the same afterglow. Kurt plopped down at the table, handing Puck a cup of coffee in a mug with a cow on it.

"So how was it?" Puck asked first, taking a sip.

Kurt grinned. "We'll both be noticably limping during school today for starters."

"Damn, Hummel. You topped?" Puck had a vague idea how gay sex worked. Not that he'd ever done anything like that himself.

"I topped. And bottomed. I like to bottom more." Kurt took a sip. "Feels way better than I thought it would."

Puck grinned. "I got ridden. Best sex ever."

They never thought they'd end up here, but here they were. Puck held out his fist and Kurt bumped it against his, an accompanied grin.

A/N: No, I will not write you sex. Any of you. Ever. I don't have ninja abilities like that. But I hope you enjoyed this anyways! I adapted Oh Dang! Let's Bang for obvious reasons, and some parts just couldn't be adapted so, unfortunately I cut the really long ending out.