"Damn it." The words flew out of my mouth before I could filter them, not that I would have, they were warranted. I just took a long overdue trip down what I like to call 'I can't believe my life has fucking come to this' lane. Yes, there is such a place. It's a sad fucked up little place, but it exists. Let me tell you, it was not a happy ride, it was more like a wrong turn and a 'how the hell did I even get here!' kind of place. The doughnut maker was nice though…sure beats the muffin man on his perfect little Drury Lane…fuck him. Back to my point though, it wasn't a pretty little eye-opener. I believe the word I'm looking for begins with a 'p' though, hmmm… pressure… pompous…purgatory…oh wait, I know…pathetic! But was it true? Yes. Why? Keep reading.
My fun little road trip ended up with me outside of Quil's house, yes Quil's house, don't you dare fucking laugh at me, with my plate of gigantic homemade double chocolate chip cookies in hand. So yes, my life has come to me hanging out with a sixteen year old, and not just any sixteen year old, the one and only Quil Aterea. So yeah, you could say my life is all kinds of fucked up right now. Le fucking sigh. I hesitated by my truck while thinking about my sad little life. Man the hell up, Swan. And with that I put my poker face back on and marched up to the door with all the confidence I could manage to find.
He was there before I even got to the top step of the porch, holding the door open with a goofy grin on his face…and I thought I was bad. He grabbed me into a hug and pulled me into the house so fast the world tilted. He is just lucky I was paying more attention to the cookies in my hand than thinking of ways I would punish him for that little stunt. It would be epic, oh the things you can do with cast iron skillets….
After Quil's touchy-feely moment I quickly placed the cookies down before I dropped them, or more likely, Quil did something to cause me to drop them, which would piss me off. Though, I think he enjoys testing my limits, or at least toeing my lines. That or he likes to see the impossible color my face turns when I'm yelling. Bastard.
Speak of the devil, I turned to look for Quil and there he was, already lounging lazily on the couch with a smug grin on his face. Or, at least, he had one until he remembered it was my turn to pick the movie. He was looking slightly scared, though he was trying hard to hide it. *Evil Laughter* It was tempting to punish him, but he was already scarred enough. The look on his face was fucking hilarious though. Okay, so I might have made him watch a chick flick marathon with me last month…so what? He deserved it for being an idiot. It's not like he didn't cry during The Notebook either. Anyways, I contemplated for a minute before I took pity on him and picked out the second Lord of the Rings movie. I settled in for a bit and waited patiently for my favorite part. I don't think there was any drool this time. What? I have a thing for elves. Hmmm…Haldir….
We watched the movie in companionable silence, occasionally shifting to get more comfortable. How I managed to end up curled into him, I still haven't figured out. We don't have any romantic feelings towards one another. In fact, we have not even been friends long. Our friendship was formed more out of convenience and sheer loneliness than out of any real desire to get to know each other beforehand. We had both lost the last friend we had to that asshole stalker Sam Uley. I swear the man hid in the bushes. No, our friendship was made from mutual anger and survival. We did what we did to survive and nothing anyone says is going to change that. It works for us.
Not that I don't enjoy hanging out with Quil, quite the opposite actually. His twisted sense of humor is just what I need to get a laugh out of me. And Quil? Well, I think he just needs the quiet and calm reassurance that I give. He knows that I would not, physically cannot, leave him. The poor guy has watched guy after guy fall for Sam Uley's bullshit, get roped into whatever story he twisted. He watched as his two best friends drifted off and closed up. He took it silently when they told him they couldn't be his friends anymore. So I think it makes sense that all he wants is a sense of security.
The day I ran into him was the day my life re-ended. Jacob Black had sucked every drop of life I had left into the cold depths of his oblivious anger. I call it oblivious because I doubt he saw my expression, he didn't hear my heart break. I loved him, not the way he wanted, but I loved him. I had walked away with all the dignity I could muster until I was out of sight. That's when I had run, I went as far and fast as I could. I hadn't thought before taking off and I certainly wasn't expecting to run into a tall stocky native on my path to nowhere. He caught me as I staggered back. He took one look at my tear-streaked face and angry eyes and said the only thing I wasn't expecting at that point.
"You too, huh?" He had such an empty expression that I didn't think, didn't care. I just hugged him, I threw myself at him and held him for dear life. He didn't seem to care about my tear streaked face and muddy clothes either. He slowly wrapped his arms around me and I saw the same sadness in his eyes that I knew was in mine. Those swirling black depths reflected every emotion, every hurt, every fear held in mine. He knew. He knew how I felt, how lost I was. I spoke before I knew my lips had parted and that whispered word was the beginning of something beautiful.
"Yah." With that one word, we became allies united in our hatred of Sam Uley. He held me close and swept me into his arms. Then he started walking. I didn't protest, if I remember correctly. I just let him take me. At that point, I just didn't have any fight left. Even now I haven't figured out how we ended up at his house watching a movie like we had always been doing it, like we weren't broken.
That was how our friendship began. With one common everyday word and a hug. Of course, we had been acquaintances before, but we hadn't spoken to each other, not really. I had watched that look in his eyes from a distance. He had been ignored too, he was dying inside along with me. Quil would acknowledge me and I would nod back. But, it was the day that Jacob black ruined any chance he ever had at redeeming himself that our paths crossed. That was the day we became friends. It was the first time we spoke, I mean, actually spoke. It was the day after his life had been shattered in the same ways as mine. It was the day fate threw as at each other.
I think I know why. We have learned a lot from each other. I learned that having a mouth like a sailor was an accomplishment worth noting, videogames are essential to life, and that violence is always a solution. He taught me to pick myself up when I fall, and that there is nothing wrong with being a little battered before it's all said and done. He's helping me with my lousy coordination and I'm teaching him how to cook necessities like eggs and bacon. I'm teaching him how not to be me. We're good like that. I thought our little friendship was perfect within itself, but boy was I wrong.
It wasn't until Leah crashed into our lives that we knew what we were missing. She stormed into his house all windblown and wild one day and declared, and I quote,
"I can't believe you motherfuckers would leave me out of the 'I fucking hate that butt-muncher Sam Uley's fucking guts' little powwow we're having here. How dare you?" Her grey eyes sparked in delight and I knew she was playing. Not kidding, but playing.
"It's join of your own accord. We never said it was exclusive." Quil just smirked at her. I laughed at his face as she plopped down onto my lap and grabbed a cookie. From that point on we were inseparable.
Leah was the missing piece to our small puzzle and I don't know where we'd be without her. She taught me that being timid and weak isn't going to get me anywhere. She showed me how to exude confidence and boredom and how to put words in my eyes. She told me that there's nothing wrong with a broken heart, but there is something wrong with the way I was dealing with it. She told me that she loved Sam Uley until she broke her heart into tiny pieces. I told her I knew how she felt. She taught me how to pick myself back up and how to look at my relationship from an outsider's point of view. Without her I never would have realized that Edward Cullen was a controlling, possessive and manipulative asshole.
Leah taught me how to be strong when I didn't feel it and how to be brave when all I wanted to do was run. With Leah's help I was a new person. She told me that hiding behind my hair made me look pathetic and that if I got any thinner I would be anorexic. She nursed me back to health and beat me into shape until I was every bit as pretty as I wanted to be. She taught me how to look at myself without degrading myself and how to talk without agreeing to anything I didn't want to do. I swear that she's the woman that came up with the phrase, 'if you got it, flaunt it'. She did everything for me before making me do it myself. She taught me to be my own fucking person and I loved it.
The more time I spent with Leah, the more I realized she was drowning. She was trapped with no escape. She had to watch as the man she still somehow managed to somewhat love prance around like nothing ever happened, like he hadn't ripped out her heart and spat on it. She was getting over it, slowly, painfully. She had planned out their lives, their futures, and he had thrown it away. She covered the hurt with anger, white-hot rage. And then, she got over him. Not that he didn't still make her mad, by all rights she was still pissed the hell of at him, but she didn't love him any more. The longer she thought, the longer she realized she had only loved the ideas that came with Sam Uley. So one day, she might forgive him…today is not that day.
But her problems don't begin and end with Sam Uley. She has a father who treats her like a doll, too scared to let her see the world and too proud to see the fault in his reasoning. Leah is strong. Leah stands on her own. Leah is a burning fire, dangerous, rash, but constant. Her mother is a kind spirit, but she fawns too much over Seth to see her daughter sinking further into her shield. Not that I can't relate. My mother was too busy with her flighty fancies to parent a child. She ignored me so well that even I got to the point I thought it was normal. Sometimes I wonder how they can be so blind as to not see the suffering of someone they see every day, someone they've known since before birth. It amazes me.
Leah will never be good as new. But none of us ever will. We will never be ignorant of pain nor oblivious to the horrors of the world. We might not be broken, but nothing fits back together perfectly. There are little pieces of ourselves we will never get back, and new pieces that don't quite fit the space left behind. But we don't want perfect, we want human. And by definition, we are imperfect.
Now I bet you're wondering about our little group. How did the bitch, the clown, and the nerd get along without killing one another. It's actually very simple. We don't fit into those categories any more, and we probably never will again. But this should explain it better.
We all have our own exclusive parts within our little group. Leah is the one who was reckless and wild. She talks Quil and I into doing things we never would have done without her. She is the one to tell us when we are being whiny or pathetic. She tells us the cold hard truth no matter how much it would hurt, she is blunt and honest and she is the reason Quil and I aren't still sitting in his living room moping. She is the one who kicks our asses when we're wrong and who fights for us when she can. She got dealt a hard deal in life and she tried to make the best of it. She learned how to breathe under water.
Quil is the one who makes us laugh when we need it and who hugs us when we're upset. He is the one we come to when we need someone calm and collected. He is the one who can go from serious to silly with the snap of a finger. He makes us do stupid things we would all regret later but had fun doing. He is the one who would fight with us when we need to blow off some steam or watch a chick flick just to make us happy. He is our safe harbor and our constant. He knows just what to do to help and even though his friends deserting him forced him to grow up he still knows how to get down and dirty and how to have fun.
My role is harder to describe. Before Leah came along I was the silent comfort, the calm and quiet listener. Now I'm the one who puts Leah in her place and who wrestles with Quil. I'm the one who cooks but I'm not a caretaker. I got over trying to be older than I am. I'm the one who knows how to read and play people. One bat of my eyelashes and a little widening of my innocent eyes can get us places. I'm the one with the inside information about Forks Police Department. I make sure we don't get in trouble. I'm the one who let's others know that if you mess with my friends you mess with me. I don't take orders and I make my own decisions. I'm the one with the connections and I'm definitely the mastermind. I'm the one who will have screaming matches with you when your upset and who will knock your senses back into you. I don't back down and I don't give up. I'm a fighter. Just because I got dealt a raw deal doesn't mean I can stop living. I'm still on top and with my friends on my side I can do anything I want.
I have the most amazing friends in the world and I wouldn't give them up for anything. We all push each other to be the best and still push after. I don't know what would've happened without them. Together we survived.
Thanks for reading. Reviews are appreciated. This is my first story so I want to know if I should keep writing.