Penname: a collaboration by annaharding and biblepam

Title: A Series of Unfortunate Events

Summary: Will Carlisle get what he feels is due him with a cutie in a bar or will a series of unfortunate events allow fate to give him what he's really due?

Disclaimer: This is a collaboration by annaharding and biblepam. We own nothing – not the characters, not the plot line, not the title. But we do each own a warped sense of humor. Remember – this is FICTION. We don't condone any of the stuff we wrote about. – Rated M because we probably crossed that line.

Contest : Die, Daddy C, Die!

This starts after chapter 82.

Carlisle was pissed. No matter how much he tried to help Edward achieve greatness in his life, the stupid kid never appreciated it. Edward would never realize his potential as a soccer player until he rid himself of all distractions. But Edward wasn't cooperating. He was stuck on that Swan bitch.

Carlisle felt the need to go blow off some steam and get rid of the stupid headache he seemed to always have these days. Knowing that he didn't want the town of Forks seeing their Chief of Staff drunk, he drove himself a ways out of town, to a little dive he knew. He'd never seen any of the Forks inhabitants there.

After ordering a whiskey and shots, he sat back and looked around the bar. There weren't many people there, just a few drunks slumped over the other end of the bar, some motorcycle riders playing darts, and few floozy looking broads watching them. Suddenly, the bathroom door opened and a somewhat good looking female exited. She sauntered over to the bar, looked Carlisle over, and gave him a smirk before turning towards the bartender. "Hey, little lady," Carlisle said, giving her his classic smirk. "Haven't seen you in here before." The girl turned to stare at him. "That's because I've never been in here before," she replied, blushing and looking down. The blush made Carlisle's pants tighten. She looked young, as young as Edward's Bella, but she couldn't be that young, otherwise how could she be in a bar? She also had long brown hair and doe eyes, like Bella Swan. Suddenly, Carlisle thought about all the shit that Swan bitch was creating in his life – in Edward's life – and he was overcome with the need to wreck her. But she wasn't there, so he decided to take out some of his tension with this chick.

"Give me two more whiskeys and 4 shots," he yelled at the bartender. "Come on, Toots, have a couple drinks with me." Carlisle pulled her over to a booth, and proceeded to ply her with alcohol. Every time she tried to say something to him, he shut her up by giving her another shot. After an hour of straight drinking, she was lolling around, almost passed out. Carlisle half-carried her out the back door and propped her up against a garbage can. Pulling his dick out of his pants, he pulled her pants down and shoved into her. "Please, stop," the girl mumbled, but Carlisle only saw Bella in his mind, and pushed faster and harder. When he came, he pulled out, tucked himself back in his pants, and said, "Thanks, now you have a nice night, girlie." He sauntered off, not even caring that she had fallen to the ground and was crying, only thinking about how he wished it was that Swan bitch that he had just fucked over. "No one fucks with Carlisle Cullen and gets away with it," he spat out as he walked away.

After Carlisle left, the girl pulled out her cell phone, and hit a number. "Sissy, help, please come and get me," she sobbed into the phone, and gave out her location. After about 20 minutes a car pulled up near the alley and a tiny figure jumped out of the driver's side. "Allyson, what the hell happened to you? And what the hell are you doing at a bar?" Alice ran over to the fallen girl, and brushed her hair from Allyson's face.

"I'm sorry, Sissy. I'm so stupid. I just came here hoping to see Quil Atera. You know he comes here a lot with his motorcycle gang. I don't know what happened. This guy kept buying me drinks, and I was too scared to tell him I'm only 17. No one else at the bar knew me, and I never got carded since the man was buying all my drinks." Allyson broke down and started crying even harder.

"Who was the man – did you get his name?" Alice asked. "Daddy is gonna kill him!"

"He mumbled something about no one fucking with Carlisle Cullen," Allyson said. "At least I think that's what he said."

Alice sat back on her heels. She knew her father would take care of this – after, all he was the top prosecuting attorney of Forks county. But she needed to make sure that asshole Carlisle didn't wiggle out of it. From what she knew of Edward's father, he was a slippery, slimy son-of-a-bitch.

"Come on, sweetie, we gotta get you home, and tell Daddy about this."

"Oh, no," Allyson moaned. "He's gonna ground me for sure."

"Don't worry about that!" Alice said. "We can't let that asshole just go around sticking his dick into underage girls, even if you didn't mind. Daddy says that's rape."

Allyson wiped her eyes. "At least I wasn't a virgin. But I did beg him to stop, because I'm still sore from all that treatment I had to go through to get rid of these herpes sores. Even though his dick was small – really, nearly non-existant - it still made them itch."

Alice drove Allyson home, and helped her into the house. "Daddy," she yelled. "Allyson has something to tell you!" Alice left her sister and father "discussing" what happened. She knew her father was used to Allyson's promiscuous ways, but that still didn't make it right. And maybe, just maybe, she could help get him off Edward's back. She'd seen how Carlisle bullied his son.

Alice drove to the Cullen mansion, thinking up all sorts of nefarious plots. She figured that Daddy would push the "rape" charge – lord knows he had tried to stop his wayward 17 year old from having sex, to no avail - but to know she had been with Carlisle Cullen, a man who "claimed" to be an upstanding town citizen? Alice knew that that would be more than her father could handle. She stealthily let herself into a side patio door, finding herself in a large den. She could hear someone clomping around upstairs, and heard Carlisle growling to himself. Then she heard the sound of a shower turning on, so she quickly got to work. She looked around to see what she could use as incriminating props and saw some photos lying on the desk top. She picked them up, took an astonished look, and thought "BINGO!"

They were pictures of Bella Swan, in compromising positions. Now, what was Carlisle Cullen doing with these? She would swear he was up to no good. Now, wouldn't Chief Swan be interested in this little find? She gave it one more second of thought, then turned to the computer. Quickly scanning them to the computer, she created a new folder and labeled it "Porn". She downloaded the pictures to the folder, then quickly added the web addresses of some porn sites. No one needed to know 'why' she knew these addresses by heart, but a lesbian didn't have many options in small-town Forks. She also added some web addresses of sites she had stumbled on but backed away from – for good reason.

She finished quickly, then closed the folder. Taking all the original photos with her, she left through the same door she came in through and drove back to her house.

She walked in to hear her sister begging her father not to ground her for the six months that he was threatening. Alice shook her head – you'd think Allyson would learn not to argue with Daddy by now. It only made him grouchier.

"Daddy, I've got something that will make you SO happy," Alice told her father. "It's a prosecutor's dream come true! You'll be able to take down one of Fork's prominent shitheads!"

Alice quickly outlined her plan, then left her father setting up the deal. As she walked out the door, she heard him on the phone. "Chief Swan, this is Paul Brandon. I think there's something you should know."

Alice got back into her car and drove around, looking for Edward and Bella. When she finally found them, sitting on the swing on the Swan's front porch, she ran up to them, and pulled at their arms. "Come on," she urged. "You gotta see this! Something BIG is gonna go down tonight, and you're gonna love it!"

Protesting loudly, Bella and Edward were herded into Alice's car. She quickly drove back towards Edward's house, all the while telling the two in the back seat to calm down. "You'll see soon enough. Just hold your horses – things are getting organized."

Edward huffed and slumped down in the seat in annoyance. Bella put her hand over his and said, "Remember, you were just saying you wanted a little action. Now you've got it."

As Alice pulled up to the Cullen's mansion, Bella sat up and looked hard outside. "What's going on? Isn't that my dad's cruiser? Why is he here?"

"Just stay here and listen, but don't get involved." Alice quickly admonished. "The adults should have it all under control."

They all watched as Charlie marched up to the front door. He banged his fist on the panel, not bothering to use the knocker.

"Carlisle Cullen, open up! This is the police," Charlie bellowed. "I have a warrant for your arrest."

"What the fuck…?" Carlisle snarled, throwing open the door. He stopped, mesmerized by all the flashing lights and multitude of cars out in his driveway. He saw the Chief's cruiser, another police car, some old scrappy cars with flashes of lights coming from in front of them, and one big black Mercedes with a license plate reading "ProsAtny" framed by bright lights. He looked up to see the town's #1 prosecuting attorney, Paul Brandon, standing in front of the car, with his arm around a girl who looked vaguely familiar. Staring, Carlisle saw a teenaged girl, wearing a Forks High hoodie, and no make-up. Squinting his eyes to focus better, he recognized her as the bitch he had fucked at the dive bar just hours before. Uh oh, this didn't look too good. Before he could even organize his thoughts to turn this attention away from him, he heard the Chief growl.

"Carlisle Cullen, you are under arrest for statutory rape and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. And I also have a warrant to search your house, as I hear you have certain pornographic pictures of MY daughter in your house, one of which I have been given a copy of," Charlie continued, waving a photograph in Carlisle's face.

"Wha…" Carlisle managed to get out before Charlie's deputy came up and slapped handcuffs on one of his wrists.

"Jackpot!" he heard Charlie yell. "Not only are my daughter's pictures on your computer, you have a whole series of porn sites and pictures here. I'll have to add possession of child pornography to the list of charges."

That was the final straw for Carlisle. No stupid cop was going to take him in, on such stupid charges. He twisted his arm out of Deputy Mark's hold, and took off running. He heard everyone taking off after him, and saw in his peripheral vision flashes going off. Shit, they had even alerted reporters. Well, Carlisle wasn't going down without taking someone with him. He headed towards the school gym, figuring Edward would be there, training. That little shit should pay, too.

He ran in to the gym, and looked around. Various pieces of equipment were lying around, but no Edward. Suddenly, the overhead lights came on. A dozen people pushed into the gym, moving towards him, but stopped when Carlisle pulled out a gun.

"You stupid shits. You really think I'm going to just 'calmly' get arrested? Not gonna happen."

Carlisle saw Edward step through the gym door, and saw that his son had Bella Swan tucked in behind him.

"Edward, you are SUCH a disappointment! You could have been great. You could have been somebody. You could have dominated the soccer world as the Real Volturi goalie!"

"Well, that's not going to happen now." Carlisle's blood went cold as he heard Aro Volturi's voice. "We can't sign anyone who's got such a mess of a father. It wouldn't be good for our reputation if it got out that the father of one of our players was a registered sex offender."

"What are YOU doing here, now?" Carlisle sputtered.

"I came to clarify more contract items with you, but I see I shouldn't have wasted my time," Aro calmly replied. "I will take my leave of you now." And he turned and walked out the door.

Carlisle's eyes took in all the town's citizens, staring at him, drawn in by all the flashing lights and the pack of reporters.

"You raped my little girl!" he heard Paul Brandon yell at him.

"You're a sick bastard, having these pictures of my daughter on your computer!" Charlie joined in.

"And you're a monster who abuses his son!" Carlisle's head whipped towards that speaker. It was Bella.

"You little bitch," Carlisle spat at her. "You're the reason all this shit happened. Distracting Edward…"

"Now you just shut up, Dad!" Edward took a step towards his father, shielding Bella even more.

"You! You're telling ME to shut up? You just wait, you ungrateful shit." Carlisle started turning red from anger. Just then he got hit in the stomach with a soccer ball. Then another one hit him lower, right in the balls. He bent over, wheezing. Suddenly, he was being pelted with soccer balls. They whipped at his head, at his legs, at his stomach, but mostly at his balls. He fell to the floor, and the soccer balls continued to rain down on him, until he was buried.

"Uh oh – sorry. I tripped." Everyone turned to look at Allyson. She was sprawled against the handle of a large piece of machinery.

"Oh, that's our new soccer ball kicking machine. Your fall must have turned it on, and cranked it up to the highest level," Coach Clapp offered.

Everyone turned back to look at the pile of balls. They all moved gingerly towards it, looking to see if Carlisle was moving. Edward got there first and moved the balls away. Allyson stepped in and peered in closely at the figure lying on the floor.

"Are those his balls coming out from his ass?" she asked in astonishment. Everyone leaned in for a look. Carlisle had been hit so hard with the soccer balls that his privates were jammed in and were sticking out through his back entry.

"Ew – they're swelling up!" Alice chimed in. The crowd leaned in closer, and, sure enough, Carlisle's balls were growing larger and larger. The crowd quickly backed away, eyes wide. Just then, they heard a loud "POP!" and saw the mess that had been Carlisle explode all over the gym.

"Shit, that's gonna be hard to clean up," Coach Clapp muttered.

Now that the drama was all over, the crowd dispersed. But as Edward escorted Bella out the door, he could swear he heard little voices singing "Ding, Dong, the jerk is dead…"