Title: Azimio's Gaydar
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Azimio, Karofsky, mentions Klaine, other ND members
Warning: Improbable technology
Spoilers: Season 2
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee at all. No money is being made.
Author Notes: This is a fill for the glee_fluff_meme, and I thought it would be funny and something a little different from my norm.
Word Count: 1000
Summary: Azimio owns a brand new Gaydar 3000, with lights and sounds and digital display, and decides to bring it to school to test it out. After a few surprises in the glee club, he accidentally turns it on his best friend.
Gerald Azimio was a man who liked to know everything he could about the people around him. He was suspicious that way.
Also, don't call him Gerald. It was Azimio, Z or nothing. Definitely not Gerry. Christ.
Anyway, it was this need to know about the people around him that led Azimio to buy an authentic "Gaydar 3000". What, it wasn't like you could really tell on your own. Only people like Santana Lopez had a good enough gaydar to be able to tell every time, and Azimio couldn't go running to the ex-cheerleader whenever he wanted. That girl knew how to cut a bitch.
The Gaydar 3000 was pretty simple. It looked like a PDA or one of those smart phones his mother wouldn't let him have. Anyway, the instructions said just point it at a target, hit the button, and within three seconds it would light up and make a sound if your target had "homosexual tendencies", whatever the hell that meant.
To check that it was working, Azimio took the device and pointed it at himself, waiting those few breaths before the Gaydar made a soft plunking noise, the screen dark except for one word – "Straight."
Hell, yeah, he was straight. Like a normal freaking person.
Now he just had to go to school and point it at all those kids in the glee club. Maybe he should try Hummel and that boyfriend of his first, just to make sure it was working. Yeah, that sounded like a good idea.
Azimio found the boys standing next to the shorter one's locker before school, flirting or something nasty. At least they weren't kissing.
Anyway, Azimio pressed the button and before the three seconds were up, it flashed and squawked and the words "Gay (Homosexual)" showed up on the screen.
"Sweet, it works!"
Beside him, Dave looked over Azimio's shoulder and asked, "What works?"
"Hey, dude," he greeted his friend. "Look what I got! An authentic Gaydar 3000. No more sneaky gays at our school."
Dave looked a little uncomfortable, probably because he hated sneaky gays just as much as Azimio did, and said, "Cool. Maybe … uh, maybe you should check out the glee club. You know, to make sure it's working."
"That's the plan," Azimio grinned, turning to see who else was in the hallway. Hmm. There was that Rachel chick Finn was supposedly dating. Perfect.
He aimed the Gaydar, pressed the button and half a second later, the device made that plunking, "Straight" noise. "Damn. Not a lesbo. The way she and Quinn Fabray go at it sometimes gave me so much hope!"
"Ha, ha. Yeah," Dave agreed, turning Azimio by one shoulder and pointing. "Hey, look. There's Puckerman. See what it says about him."
Grinning, Azimio agreed, pointing, aiming, waiting way longer than usual until the Gaydar finally made a garbled noise, flashed twice, and said "Pansexual."
"Pan-sexual?" Azimio asked. "What the fuck is that?"
Dave raised his eyebrows, looking Puck up and down like it was the first time he was seeing the kid, but then he said, "I think it means into older chicks. Like moms."
"Oh yeah," Azimio nodded. "That must be what it means."
As the day went on, Azimio tried his Gaydar out on lots of people. Most of the kids in the glee club, including Finn Hudson, were "Straight" as were most of the other kids in Azimio's classes and all the teachers he tried.
Brittany Pierce came up, "Bisexual" and when Azimio turned the Gaydar on her friend Santana during lunch, the thing went nuts, eventually saying, "Gay (Homosexual)".
"Jesus Christ," Azimio asked the device, hitting it a few times in his hand and then getting the same result. "But…"
Gerald Azimio was very confused. He'd slept with Santana Lopez in freshman year and she'd told him it was really awesome. Now she was a big old dyke? What the hell? No wonder she had such good gaydar. She was gay!
Azimio hit the thing again and accidentally pressed the button when it was aiming at Karofsky across the table. Dave wasn't paying attention, and when Azimio didn't hear that plunk but a squawk, his gasp caught the guy's attention. The results were clear. David Karofsky, who had been Azimio's best friend since they were eight years old and both got sent to the principal's office, was freaking gay?
Dave gave Azimio a pleading look and shook his head, like he was begging him not to say anything. He knew? He freaking knew he was gay and had never said anything? What the freaking hell?
Azimio caught his friend after lunch and pulled him back away from everyone so he could hiss, "What's going on, Dave? How long have you known?"
"Dunno," Karofsky shrugged. "Awhile. You gonna punch my face in now, or what?"
Stashing the Gaydar in his pocket, Azimio clenched his jaw and looked at his friend, sheepish hands in his pockets like he thought he deserved to get socked in the face. Maybe he did, for being a disgusting homo. All Azimio knew was that he couldn't be the one to do it. "Nah, man. Just…don't, I don't know, be hitting on me or something."
"Like you'd be my type," Dave scoffed, laughing a little in relief. "Don't tell anyone?"
Azimio sighed and nodded before asking, "So you can't just … decide not to be?"
"I tried," Karofsky insisted, leading the way as the followed the crowd out of the cafeteria and toward their lockers. "I seriously tried, like, forever. I don't think it's gonna happen."
As they walked down the hall together, Azimio noticed the longing way Dave looked at Kurt and his boyfriend and then the assessing glance he gave Puck and wondered why he didn't see any of this before. It's not like he would have cared that much.
It was just – Azimio liked knowing as much as he could about the people around him, including his best friend.