This was written while I pulled an all-nighter. So basically it was finished at an ungodly hour in the morning, which is probably why it's such a cracky fic. I'm sorry if this offends you, and I'm not sure if this should ever be read by anyone. Ever.
Read on, if you must, but I will warn you: it is insane. I hope you find some sort of amusement from it.
Rated T for gratuitous use of the word ass, a stupid plot, randomness, breaking walls of the fourth variety, references that hardly anyone will get, adorable VenVen's, and general insanity.
Why Terra Wears Those Pants
One day, during an unspecific moment of time in the Land of Departure, Terra and Ven were sitting in Ven's room, playing a simple game of cards. This was before, or even possibly after, the events of Birth By Sleep, or maybe the events of Birth By Sleep never happened.
Maybe Master Xehanort got killed in a tragic boating accident, thus meaning that his grand body theft scheme (the biggest form of identity fraud) on Terra never happened. And maybe Vanitas got lost in Radiant Garden and was promptly mauled by wild dogs.
Maybe all of the darkness got purified by an unknown eighth Princess of Heart named Miranda or Evelyn or Anya Hi'kari Elizabeth Way, and maybe they went off to go live happily ever after.
Or maybe Vanitas never existed at all, and Master Xehanort dumped Ventus (who, from this point on, shall be called VenVen for the sake of adorableness) off on Master Eraqus because he discovered his inability to care for children.
Either way, the events of Birth By Sleep have not happened, and VenVen and Terra were playing cards. Because real friends/brothers play Go Fish together.
"Hey, Terra, got any fours?" VenVen asked, looking up from his cards, concealing his catlike smile. Yes, somehow, the boy managed to contort his lips into a shape vaguely resembling a 3.
And it was adorable.
However, Terra was not shot with VenVen's Moe-Moe rays of cuteness, and shook his head. "Nice try, Ven, but no. Go fish."
The catlike smile vanished, and VenVen lowered his cards, revealing an equally adorable pout as he took another card. Oh, look, a four! Sweet! He grinned happily and set his pair off to the side.
They continued for a few more rounds, the silence only being broken by questions and 'go fishes.' That is, until VenVen looked down at the floor, and noticed Terra's giant pants.
"Hey, Terra," he said, garnering the attention of his brother-friend. (brend? Frother? Bro? ...actually, could they be called soul brothers? Adopted brother? Blood brothers! for the sake of a reference that most of the audience will probably not get?) "Why do you wear those doofy pants?"
Terra frowned. "They're not doofy!" He protested, slightly offended at the boy's insult in his fashion – well, Aqua's, since she was the one who picked them out for him – taste. 'But...what kind of word is doofy?' He wondered.
VenVen shook his head. "No, they're pret-ty doofy."
We shall now take a moment to examine VenVen's pants. Notice how they are too long to be shorts, and how they are too short to be pants.
What do you call pants that fall somewhere near the calves? Oh yes, I remember – you call them capris.
In a bout of unnoticed hypocrisy about doofy pants, VenVen continued. "Seriously, just look at them." He poked the fabric with his finger. "It's so big and stiff."
...they both stared awkwardly at each other for a few minutes. The inneuendo-filled statement hit VenVen in the face, and both his and Terra's jaw dropped.
Once they both slightly recovered, Terra looked away. "Ven, don't ever say that again. Ever."
"I don't want to." In an effort to change the conversation to a slightly less awkward topic, the short blond added, "so, how did you get these doofy pants, anyways?"
"Well, it's actually a pretty interesting story..."
And now, my friends, is the moment you've all been waiting for.
0 X 0 X 0 X
However, since this is the main part of the story, it shall not be italicized, since reading italics for a long period of time can get very grating.
"Hey," VenVen interjected, "aren't we supposed to be in a flashback? Because I really want to know how Terra got those doofy pants." He pouted, and the author just barely held onto consciousness and didn't faint from the Moe-Moe rays.
So, since I can never say no to VenVen, we shall continue on with the flashback. And end with the breaking of the fourth wall.
"You heard her, Terra! Put down the sledgehammer!" VenVen called.
Terra sighed and did as he was told.
0 X 0 X 0 X
Now, for the real flashback. For real this time. Seriously.
"You're not very serious, are you?" Aqua, who had just appeared out of nowhere since she is a character in this fic, asked.
0 X 0 X 0 X
Okay, that time I was just kidding. This time, for real. Really real.
For realz, yo.
"Get on with it!" The three yelled impatiently.
0 X 0 X 0 X
Once a year, on some vague, random world – oh, let's make it Radiant Garden for the sake of familiarity – a festival is held. Now, for what purpose exactly, nobody really knows, but at this point in time the meaning has been forgotten, so the festival is simply held for the sake of having a festival. Because that makes sense.
And every year, Master Eraqus took Terra and Aqua out to the festival for two reasons: to get their armor polished, and so they can get out of the Land of Departure. Living on a world with a population of four gets very tiring, very fast.
However, VenVen was never allowed to go. If you remember what was said earlier, the reason may vary. It may be because Master Xehanort is still out there, prowling the shadows for some delicious little Ven—I mean, uh...hunting around for some...ingredients. For ice cream. Yes. Because old men like ice cream, not at all for any reason involving luring innocent little moeblobs away into their hypothetical white vans.
Back to the story!
He would whine and complain and throw a temper tantrum and sulk because that is what little children do, and Master Eraqus would pull some stupid explanation out of his ass every year.
One year, Aqua got fed up with VenVen's bullshit and told him that he had to be 16 in order to go. That finally shut him up, and so they left to go to Radiant Garden.
And this year, Terra had finally gotten over the strange qualities puberty had bestowed upon him. His gangly, long limbs were starting to finally match his body, and after years of training, his muscles were finally starting to develop.
He also managed to get rid of the acne covering 90% of his body, and cut his hair in a more flattering style for his face.
Basically, puberty turned a fairly cute kid into an ugly ass teenager, but at the end he was transformed into an attractive young adult.
After Master Eraqus took them to get their armor polished (and no, you immature children, not as an innuendo. Their armor was disgusting and by disgusting I mean caked with mud and dirt and the occasional worm), he let them go off and run free. After all, they were almost adults, and he should give them free reign for once in their lives.
And since they were young adults, he had also made sure to get their armor readjusted to fit their bodies better. Aqua's chest was enlarged as to not squish her – ahem, well endowed chest, and Terra's armor was tweaked to match his height.
Actually, their armor was completely redone (and painted two shades lighter, no less!) and those were only a few things changed.
"So, Terra," Aqua said, taking off her helmet but leaving the rest of her armor on. Probably so she could breathe.
It is a little known fact that the Keyblade armor is actually very, very stuffy. And hot. And it gets very hard to breathe in, but that's not much of a big deal in space. However, in the Kingdom Hearts universe, there is apparently oxygen in space, so who knows.
Ah, logic and physics. Who needs them, when you're an attractive bishonen/girl with a giant housekey for a weapon?
When Aqua was choked by the narration (which I do apologize for), Terra quirked an eyebrow at her. "Yeah, Aqua?"
While Aqua's usual armor was a diluted mix of gray and blues, whenever it got polished, it gleamed with beautiful shades of silvers and blues, like the full moon reflecting off of the ocean's waves. Her armor made her look like a celestial being – silver and flowing and light, but ready to kick ass on a moment's notice. Like the badass she is.
"I was planning on checking out some of the booths. Do you want to come with me?" She asked.
Terra took off his helmet as well, and glared slightly at it. It was one of the few days of the year where Radiant Garden's weather wasn't perfect (it was a few degrees higher – warm, but only slightly uncomfortable), and in a suit of mostly armor, that translated to sweltering.
Which translated to sweat. Which translated to his hair getting ruined.
It is actually a very well-known that that all Square Enix characters adore their hair, and will go to great lengths to keep it looking perfect. However, it is a lesser known fact that the reason why many generic bishonen Square Enix villains turn evil is because someone tampered with their hair products.
"Nah. I think I'm just going to walk around for a bit. Maybe get some food."
Aqua seemed to be slightly upset by his words, but Terra isn't exactly the most observant person, and thus, he didn't notice. "Oh, alright. Terra, if you need to find me, I'll be over by the Moogle shops, alright?"
Terra nodded briskly, and turned around. As he started to walk away, Aqua noticed something that she had never noticed before.
She noticed the true, main subject of this story.
Namely, Terra's ass. She had never noticed it before that moment, mainly because for most of his life it simply didn't exist. It was the last, lovingly created, special gift that puberty had given Terra.
And it was the best one, without a doubt.
Now, normally, she would have never noticed his – magnificent – ass, but upon his armor polishing-and-lightening, his armor went from the soft goldenrods and reddish-browns of the earth to blazing gold and a red not unlike the color of clay. Which is still reddish-brown, but put in a more eloquent way.
If she was some sort of ethereal being of the moon, he was the being of the sun. And they would join together in holy matrimony and together they would create Ven.
Because that makes sense. Somehow.
Anyways, if it hadn't been for the sudden change in color, she would have never noticed. And now, that same red-clay color was the color of the fabric that clung to every last curve his body. Usually, that body part was covered by armor, but unfortunately for him, he lacked the leotard aspect (heh, asspect) of Ven's armor, leaving that derriere of his fully exposed. Combined with the fact that the color practically screamed 'LOOK AT ME GODDAMN YOU' louder than a lonely, 13 year old girl who Daddy didn't hug enough, it was pretty hard not to notice.
Now, while Aqua thought of Terra more like a brother, even she had to admit that he had a nice ass. In fact, it was the best ass she had ever seen.
It was one of the only asses she had ever seen, but the point remains.
Even if it vaguely reminded her of a baboon's ass. But only vaguely, and the idea wasn't enough to make her stop thinking about how amazing that ass is.
Even the author has to admit that, no matter how much she dislikes Terra, she does have to admit that his ass is not that bad. In fact, it is a rather nice ass. I mean, just look at DAT ASS.
As Aqua watched Terra walk away, she couldn't help but let a faint smile ghost across her lips. Before long, others would notice Terra and his – ahem, attribute (or should I say asstribute, heheh?), and by then the poor boy would come running to her for protection.
Even if he was an adult, he was a little naïve, and even if he was older than her, Aqua couldn't help but feel a little protective over him.
The main subject of this story – oh, and Terra, too, of course – sauntered off into the rest of the town. Terra took his unsuspecting, innocent time browsing shops, and even going into one bakery to get a cupcake.
Terra was a manly man. And just like all manly men, he loved getting cupcakes with pink frosting, sprinkles, and a plastic, cheap pony ring made in China (or the Land of Dragons, I guess) decorating the top. And he loved to sit down at once of the tables outside and eat his cupcake, blissfully unaware of the small children making fun of him as he slipped the pony ring onto his pinky finger.
("Mommy! Mommy! Look at that weird man over there with a pony ring on his finger! He's silly!"
"No, honey, he's not silly. A true man isn't afraid to wear pony rings on his fingers.")
May I take a moment to remind you that he so happened to slip the pretty pony ring onto his pink finger. His pinky finger covered in layers of badass, awesome armor.
And remember, if you were to do something that upset Terra – say, you hurt one of his friends or perhaps you stole his pretty pony ring – he would whip out that giant housekey of his and shove it so far up your ass it'd come out of your mouth.
Think about that for a moment. Imagine that for a moment.
I'll let you take you time.
Got that picture of a Keyblade sticking out of your throat firmly burned into your mind?
Now, let's continue.
Terra loved his pretty pony ring so much that he decided to get a few more. And two cupcakes later (two cupcakes that he had given away to two boys, because all of that frosting would just go to his ass and he really didn't want that), Terra was the proud owner of three very pretty pony rings.
There was a cute, bouncy pink pony, and pretty purple pony, and an awesome blue pony. He loved them all, in the way that only true men can love cute little ponies.
And not in the sexual way, you sick freaks. Admit it. I know you were thinking about that. You perverts.
He stepped out of the bakery and started down the street, happily admiring his newfound pony rings. He was so absorbed in his rings that he was completely oblivious to the stares directed at him.
Or rather, directed at his ass.
For instance, two teenage girls sat outside one of Radiant Garden's many cafes (since Radiant Garden was a hipster wold, and thus, had many cafes and quiet places to recite poetry and bitch about life and wear fancy scarves and other hipster-ish activities), and enjoyed their cups of cold Starmunny frappuchinos.
Because only true hipsters drank Starmunny coffee at a mom-and-pop cafe.
One of the girls stopped mid-sip, as her eyes were instantly attracted to poor, unsuspecting, oblivious Terra and his poor, unsuspecting, oblivious ass.
It was as if Terra's ass was the most powerful magnet in the world, and the girl's eyes were some sort of metal. Maybe bobby pins, or maybe regular pins, or something else that was metal and could be attracted to magnets.
"Oh. My. Ansem." She breathed, her straw dropping straight out of her mouth. (Why did she say Ansem instead of God, you may ask? Well, the Kingdom Hearts universe does not have a god, but they do have Ansem the Wise. Ansem is a king, and he is apparently very wise, two qualities that Ansem supposedly shares with God.
I say supposedly because I have never met God, nor have I ever seen Him. All I know is that He supposedly embodies those traits, and you are supposed to refer to Him with a capital letter, even if you use a pronoun. So, following that logic, Ansem is also God, and should also be referred to with a capital letter.)
"Huh? What?" Her companion said ever-so-eloquently, eying the girl like she was some kind of idiot. Which, she probably was, but that's besides the point.
"L-look. Oh my Ansem, look at his butt, Becky."
Yes, the girl was named Becky. Why? Because, Becky's parents hated Becky. She was a mistake, and should have never been created.
Becky looked over, and just like her friend, her straw also dropped out of her mouth. "Whoa...that, is a nice ass."
"I so want a piece of that," said Becky's friend, unable to properly use her jaw and close her mouth all the way. Instead, it stayed slightly half-open, making her look like a complete idiot. Well, more of a complete idiot. Terra's ass had that effect on people.
"I want a piece of that. All night long." Becky purred, and she managed to tear her eyes away from the magnet that is Terra's ass to look at her friend with a coy smile.
There was no need to voice the question. They both knew exactly what they wanted to do – and they wanted to follow Terra, and attempt to get a piece of that ass.
Or maybe touch it. I wouldn't know. Horny, teenage girls stuck under the spell of a magnificent ass is not my forte.
So, as Terra continued to walk through town, he unknowingly acquired two fangirls, lusting after his amazing piece of ass. Literally. They followed him, but at a safe distance – oh, at about five feet away. He was too wrapped up in his pretty pony rings to notice, of course, so they were perfectly safe.
He continued to aimlessly stroll through town, but little did he know that, the farther and longer he walked, the more fangirls he picked up.
And before long, since I do not discriminate and neither does Terra's magnificent ass, he picked up a few fanboys. Indeed, it seemed that every single person even vaguely attracted to males within a 500 feet was attracted to Terra's ass, like the irresistible magnet it is.
To continue on with the strange metaphors, they were like flies, hungry, hungry, flies, attracted to the sweet smell—okay, ew, no. The sweet sight, of Terra's ass.
Within 15 more minutes, Terra had attracted a very large, very unnoticed harem.
20 minutes after that, it was safe to say that at least one completely heterosexual man turned gay for Terra's ass and at least one lesbian turned straight for him.
And finally, an hour after that, it seemed that Terra had attracted 3/4ths of the entire population of Radiant Garden. Mothers, fathers, and children (well...teenagers) alike, were following him around town.
And Terra was completely oblivious to all of them. Every last one of them.
Such was the power of ponies. They could make a man ignore his sizable, newly acquired yet completely unnoticed harem.
They buzzed all around him, like desperate flies trying to get close to that succulent, succulent honey (ass). Though, none of them were brave enough, due to that fact that no matter how almost-uncovered his ass was, the strangely attractive man was still covered in golden armor, and there was a good chance that he could kill them if they tried to touch him.
(Well, to the hopeless romantics out there, they hoped that Terra – who they referred to as Ass-Man – would take them away on his wonderful white steed, and they could ride off into the sunset as they finally got a piece of that ass.)
Becky (you remember Becky, of course you do!) was one such romantic. But this story is not about Becky and her hopeless fantasies – no, this is about the ass that she's attracted to.
However, as the flies got more and more desperate, they started inching closer and closer to Terra. Terra, the poor sap, didn't notice them at all.
And as they got closer, and as they also got more desperate, they started getting rowdier. They would occasionally brush up against him, or one of their breaths would tickle his neck.
At this point, they were nothing more than a collective hive-mind, a single entity split into the bodies of many different people (and the occasional talking animal), all focusing on one single, unified objective: getting a piece of Terra's ass.
The one, the stupid, stupid idiot who alerted Terra to their presence, was none other than our favorite new character, Becky. She was the one who made all of their plans come to a crashing halt, when she reached out to Terra's backside and ever so lovingly stroked it.
Now, excuse me, the author/narrator, for a moment while I go throw up for writing that sentence.
Alright, I'm back. Let's continue on with the story.
And by ever so lovingly stroked it, I mean she groped his ass. Hard. She groped it with the intensity of one thousand suns, all about to explode into a supernova. She groped it with many other highly inappropriate analogies, and that finally snapped Terra out of his trance and caused him to turn around.
Now, before I tell you what his reaction was, I want you to understand why exactly he did what he did. Don't judge him, and please don't think he is a wimp, or a sissy, or anything like that – he is not, and would kindly like to inform you that yes, he knows Ultima Cannon, and he will use it on you.
Imagine, if you will, Master Xehanort. No, not the Master Xehanort that may or may not have died in a tragic boating accident. No, I want you to think of the Master Xehanort who did all of those terrible, terrible things, thus setting off the plot for Kingdom Hearts. The Master Xehanort who stole Terra's body. The Master Xehanort that ripped VenVen's heart in two, creating Vanitas AKA the embodiment of hate and rage (who may or may not have been mauled by wild dogs and/or married off to a Suetiful eighth Princess of Heart).
Do you see him, staring at you with those disturbing, golden-orange eyes of his? Is he doing that strange hand gesture where it looks like he's beckoning you to come forward so he can lure you into his be-crush your skull in? If he is, good. If he isn't, then IMAGINE HARDER.
Now, imagine fifty – no, imagine one hundred of them. One hundred of them, surrounding you on all sides, watching you with that creepy smile he gave VenVen in the first official cutscene of Birth By Sleep. That creeper smile, like he's going to lure you into his bed and do terrible, terrible things to you.
There. I said it.
One hundred Master Xehanorts, beckoning you to their collective bed. All at the same time. And you know that, if you fall prey to them, you will never escape.
Oh, and did I mention that they're all stark naked? Because they are.
Are you terrified now? You should be fairly terrified by now. If not, then I presume you have some strange fetish for creepy old men voiced by Spock, and if you do, then I implore you to think of something else that would terrify you. Something that strikes fear into your very soul.
I hope that you all have picked something very terrifying. Something that would terrify Jack Skellington himself, and I can indeed make that reference, because at this very moment, he is in Halloween Town, doing his morning song and dance routine. Time passes differently in different worlds, by the way. It is a little-known fact.
Assuming that you did not run away during this moment, now you know how Terra felt at that moment, when he came face to face with his harem of adoring fans. He didn't know about the power of his ass, nor did he know that they all wanted a piece of it.
All he knew was that, out of nowhere, a whole bunch of people appeared, wanting to do very inappropriate things to him.
And someone had just touched him. They had just invaded his personal space. And that was not okay.
Terra had been taught at a very young age that, if anyone was to touch him in a way he did not approve of, or if they were to touch his 'special place' (he reasoned that his ass was close enough to count), he was to seek out an adult immediately.
Since he didn't know where Master Eraqus was (little did he know that Eraqus wasn't even on the world, and was off clubbing somewhere far, far away, surrounded by a horde of attractive young women), he decided to seek out the next adult he knew.
And by seek out, I mean run screaming and bawling straight to Aqua. He barreled through his harem, ran straight to the Moogle Shop district, where he found Aqua browsing some items. He took her by the arm, ignoring her protests, and threw her (and himself) into some random room. As soon as the door was shut behind them, he summoned his Keyblade and a beam of light shot out from the top, locking them inside.
The now-unwanted harem ran straight into the door, but even with their combined mass and fangirl/boy want-lust, they could not get past a door locked with a Keyblade.
Sometimes, the 'key' part of the Keyblade could come in very handy.
Once Aqua got over her initial shock, she turned on the other Keyblade Wielder, giving him an icy glare. "Terra!" She shouted angrily. "What was that for!"
Terra, the Great and Powerful Terra, the Stoic Solder, Stalwart as the Earth, the Wish-He-Was-A-Silent Hero, blubbered and cried out his entire story to Aqua. She listened, at first in confusion (because she couldn't understand what the hell he was trying to say), but then her attitude swiftly changed as she started to translate his blubbers into something actually coherent.
Aqua put a comforting hand on her friend's shoulders, murmuring soft words of comfort to him as she felt guilt wash up inside of her stomach. It was a rather unpleasant feeling, much like heartburn.
She knew that his ass was magnificent, but she never assumed it would cause something like this. And she certainly didn't assume it would bother him as much as it did.
There was only one thing she could do.
"Terra, I'll be back soon."
He looked up at her, eyes wide with shock and fear. "Why! Where are you going, Aqua! Don't leave me here! Not when..." he cast a horrified glance back at the door that was currently being pounded on. (This is one of the few moments that I will refrain from making an ass joke.) "Not when they're around."
"Don't worry, Terra. You'll be fine. Promise." With that, and a determined glint in her eyes, the kind that meant 'I'm going to do this and nothing can stop me,' Aqua flipped open a window in the back of the empty house, and slipped outside. Her next stop: Pants, Pants, and...Wait For It...MORE PANTS! (and belts, too!)
It is a little-known fact that the Leonhart family owned the store. It was also where they all shopped.
She picked out the biggest, plainest, lease-flattering pair of pants that she could find that she thought would fit Terra. However, she paired it with a tight-fitting shirt, because Terra had to retain at least some form of sex-appeal, if anyone was ever going to like him. He didn't have the most amazing personality, after all.
Oh, and she added straps. Because straps to Aqua was like belts to Leon; she just had to add them to everything.
Even her cereal. Who needs milk when you have straps?
She came back not long after, with clothes in tow. Terra, after Aqua explained to him about his magnificent ass, quickly changed into his new clothes, feeling better than ever. Together, they left their safe-haven, and Terra's large harem dispersed, no longer under the enchantment of that amazing ass.
(However, a few fans, Becky among them, stayed behind once they saw his abs. In fact, those fans have become some very influential figures today. Becky now runs the official Terra fanclub, and one boy, a Mr. Jason Dohring, has dedicated his life to being the best Terra imitator he can be. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, you know.)
After that day, Terra learned that he should never, ever, get his armor lightened, and he should only activate it in the most dire of circumstances lest he be mobbed by lusting fans.
0 X 0 X 0 X
"Pft-snerk...heh...heh...haha! Hahaha! HAHAHAHA!" VenVen doubled over in laughter, and ended up literally rolling on the floor laughing. "HAHAHA! OH MY KINGDOM HEARTS! HAHAHA!"
You know what's even cuter – no, at least 10 times cuter than a pouting VenVen? At least 20 times cuter than VenVen smiling like a kitty, or like a Moe anime girl? Or like Konata?
A laughing VenVen.
Sweet mother of Ansem, he just broke my cuteness radar. Shorted it out, faster than Isabella ever could.
Sorry, Izzy dear, but you have been surpassed by VenVen.
"Hey!" Terra frowned, which was decidedly much less cuter than the laughing boy on the floor. "It's not that funny!"
"BWA-snerk-HAHAHA! YEAH, IT IS!" VenVen replied, clutching his sides. "Oh, I can't breathe..." He muttered quietly in between hysterical fits of laughter.
And that, my friends (and VenVen...aww, he's just so cute. The most adorable thing in the universe, ever. I swear on my Roxas plushie, folks – honest to Ansem) is why Terra wears those pants.
0 X 0 X 0 X
Well, I hoped you liked it, if you even managed to finish it. This fic taught me how to spell magnificant, by the way. If you didn't like it, then I warned you - you shouldn't have read it.
Oh, and you should totally review. Do it for Becky.