Companion piece to Hindsight. Can be read alone. Crossposted on LJ.
*cough* this uh… isn't the fix it/make up story that people were requesting. But one day my muse will get his butt back into gear… one day.
Mature language, slashy themes
Spoilers for Trinity.
Disclaimer: Ha! I WISH.
The silence is tearing you apart. You want to scream, grab him by the shoulders and ask what the fucks the matter with him. You want to go down on your knees and beg him to forget what you said, ask him to start over.
The lift stops, he gets out, and the urges are gone. The only thing left now is the ache. Alright yeah, you were pissed when he blew up that solar system (only 5/6ths, a very Rodney sounding part of your mind sneers); you were ready to strangle him when you realized that he'd abused your trust to get what he wanted. But more that, and you're pretty sure that this was the main reason everyone else is mad too, you're upset that he failed.
"Despite what you all may think, I'm not Superman."
He'd said that to you once and you'd joked that you'd not once believed it. It was a pretty good joke at the time, but now you're seeing that yeah, you kinda did think of him as Superman. He'd never screwed up before, always came through in the end. Saved everyone's lives and… this time you lost some one. You lost one man out of how many after all this time to one of Rodney's mistakes? His only mistake worth counting apparently, because you don't remember any others. You lost one, and it could have been…
Rodney had always come through before and he'd always… well he'd never really gotten any credit for it, had he? Everyone thanked 'Sheppard and his team', no one ever said 'good job, McKay' or 'well done, Rodney,' except you. And you aren't saying those things anymore.
You set your head on the wall and you sigh, because it's that or start weeping and you sure as hell aren't going to do that. Not until you're alone in your room at least. You and he haven't really spoken in over a week. And it's killing you.
And if it's killing you, imagine what it's doing to him. Your little buddy. Your pal. Your… well, we aren't going into that right now.
Despite the tension and the fact that everyone, including you, seems to hate him, Rodney's refused to seek out the councilor. You're pretty sure that's not a good idea, but there isn't anything you can do about it right now except give him a choice between the psych-eval or being off the team. You're not going to threaten him with that because it's just as terrifying a thought to you as it probably is to him.
The transporter stops on your floor and it takes a moment for you to realize that it's time for you to get off and when you do you almost stumble. There's no one in this hall so you take a moment to breathe before you start walking again.
He's been loosing weight and if you're going to be perfectly honest (and really, there's no point in lying to yourself inside your own head) so are you. He had to see Beckett twice since Doranda for non-mission related incident, hypoglycemic reaction both times. You may not have been there with him but you are certainly keeping tabs.
You open the door to your room, step inside and think the door shut and locked. Normally you'd take a second to appreciate the almost eager way the door responded to you, but not today. You don't think on the lights, just stare out into the open space, feeling as dark and empty as the room.
You want your Rodney back. But it's too late to backtrack now.
Review Please. Also, Read Hindsight first.