Still not the fixer upper. Crossposted to LJ

Companion to Hindsight and Backtrack. Can be read alone though (I wouldn't suggest it)

Note: this wasn't supposed to turn into a series, but now that it has… well I'm not complaining personally.

Rating: pg-13 for language

Pairing: McKay/Sheppard onesidedness

Warnings: mild injury, some swearing, angst

Spoiler: for Trinity

Disclaimer: Do Not Own.


Your first mission back out with the team and no one wants to look you in the face. You aren't surprised, but you were kinda hoping at least Teyla would send a glance in your direction.

Ronon is keeping extra close and you suspect it's on Sheppard's orders. You imagine that he would have said something like 'make sure he doesn't do anything stupid' but in reality you know it's more likely he said 'make sure he doesn't blow anything else up'.

It was just 5/6ths of an uninhabited solar system, you tell yourself. You know you fucked up and you knew the backlash was going to be bad, but you had never, NEVER expected this. And for so long…

It's been weeks and he hasn't come to the labs unless Radek has called. Radek has been calling because you refuse to. If John Sheppard doesn't want to get over his unfair godly expectations of you, then it's his own problem.

Actually you're just scared that you'll call and he won't answer. Or worse, if it's an emergency and he refuses to come. Now that would be a problem. But you've been trying not to dwell on the worst case scenarios.

It wouldn't be so hard for you to say that you're sorry, except wait, you already have. And he said no. He said no. Where are you supposed to go from there? Earn back his trust, sure, but no one said how. You can plead down on your knees all you want but that wouldn't be enough, you know it wouldn't be enough. You ran simulations on it.

There's no where left to go and no way to turn back. How exactly are you supposed to function in such a hostile environment? You'd ask someone, but the only person you could ask at this point is Radek and you're having a hard time believing that he'd give you an honest answer.

Your foot finds the only hole in the ground in the entire field and you fall, sprawled on the grass. You have to make a concentrated effort not to cry and it's not from the pain in your foot.

Sheppard half-jogs toward you, a weird look on his face. He doesn't meet your eyes when he says "you ok?" and you don't meet his when you answer "yeah, just a misstep."


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