Companion to Hindsight, Backtrack and Misstep. Crossposted on LJ

Can be read alone but reading Misstep first is highly suggested

Rating: pg-13 for language

Warning: angst

Pairing: Sheppard/McKay onesided

Spoiler: extremely mild for Trinity

Note: still no beta

Dislcaimer: Still don't own


You made him go to the infirmary despite his protests. His weak, not quite angry enough, protests. Usually that means something really is wrong and he just doesn't want his work to be too interrupted. This time it meant nothing was wrong, he just didn't want to argue with you. Rodney McKay always wants to argue with you. Or at least he did. Not so much anymore and you're really starting to miss it.

You leave the infirmary before he does because Beckett wants to do a basic check up, Rodney missed his last one, and you no longer have an excuse to stay. Before it would have been for the banter; you'd claim to be there for moral support and he'd argue that he wasn't four anymore and by the time the banter ebbed the check up would be over and Rodney would be grateful, in his own little way, for the distraction.

Not today. Today you have to walk away while the quack stabs your Rodney (and yeah, denial time is over, you've admitted, at least to yourself that he's always been yours as far as you were concerned) with a big needle. You don't hear the sounds of a scuffle behind you, which means Rodney doesn't have any fight in him today. Hasn't in quite sometime.

You're willing to take the blame for a lot of that. The rest is probably his own guilt for what happened. You'd be willing to help him bare that, if you could deal with your own pride. You told him that he'd have to earn your trust back. A trust he'd never lost and you're ready to ride that pony right into the ground because while Rodney may have loudly announced how proud and enamored he was with himself, you're certainly more stubborn.

You could, in theory, tell him you're sorry. And then what, oh great leader? You'll embrace and then, if things feel just right you'll admit… and then he'll say… And everyone will live happily ever after? Hardly. Declarations of love don't end the story, you know that.

Back down the 'To Love and To Hold' road huh? Not very fucking likely. You've been there and done that. It's nowhere, it's old hat.


A/N: My notes are longer than the installation. Huh. The last two sentences are from a song, kudos and maybe a special fic for whoever can tell me what song. Review please.