A/N - Hey everyone! Starting the summer series. This should be about 5 or so chapters long, dealing with Santana's reasonings and decision behind her 'summer surgery'. I figured that a decision like this deserves a story, and I'm looking forward to keeping this in line with canon, but giving you all an idea of what happened during Brittana summer :)
It's not necessary to have read Must Be Felt to understand this. You may miss a few things (insider knowledge), but it's still totally understandable. And I suggest if you like this, then go read MBF.
Enjoy :) Review!
Chapter 1 - Strange Thoughts and Reasonings
"Such a cute little pussy pussy," Brittany's voice cooed from the bottom of her bed. Her words slid up my legs, brushed over the thin sheet that only partially covered my chest, and dove into my ears.
I'd started to wake when she shuffled. The bed shifted and it stirred me. And even though she continued to toss things off the bed, jostle the mattress, and make cutesy little noises, I kept my eyes squeezed shut. I needed my sleep. I wanted my sleep. It was summer and nothing was going to get in the way of me getting and a healthy ten hours of heavy, dream filled, sleep.
But the second she said, pussy pussy, I was wide awake. That word coming from Brittany's lips was enough to jolt me awake.
"So soft and warm. I'm gonna kiss you, you little pussy pussy." Brittany spoke softly and started to make little puckering noises. "And scratch here. I know you'll like that."
I groaned. I may not be a morning person, but it didn't take me long to figure out what she really was doing. "Britt, please don't call it that." My voice was crackly and full of sleep. It snapped in my throat and the last few words came out soft and almost inaudible.
"Why?" She responded, but didn't stop making little puckering noises.
"Because…" I pulled the disheveled sheets from my chest and stuff them into my face. My next words came out hushed and mumbled. "It sounds dirty."
"Tweety Bird says it all the time." Brittany stopped her kissing noises. "And Lord Tubbington likes it when I call him that."
The bed shifted again and her hand brushed across my stomach. Falling asleep in only undergarments, waking up to pussy pussy, and having Brittany touch just below my belly button was just enough to start that small twist between my legs.
Her hand continued to slip over my stomach and her head followed. She stopped moving when her cheek was flush against the skin between my belly button and the bottom of my rib cage.
She used her fingers to start tracing an imaginary line against my lap where my shorts should have ended…if I were wearing any. One finger started on the bed pinched between the sheets and my skin. It drifted up my leg, tickled over the peak of my thigh, and then trailed back down and paused in the dip between my closed thighs. Her finger crawled back up my other leg, teased over it, and then stopped on the outside of that same leg. She repeated the same thing with her middle finger and traced back.
"Tweety Bird doesn't know any better, because he doesn't have a vagina." My comeback was delayed. Her fingers had distracted me. Her middle finger was dipping into that crease between my legs again.
"Then they shouldn't show that on cartoons. I was wondering why my parents started acting funky when I kept calling him that." Even with the thin blanket smashed against my face, and my eyes tightly shut, I could see the pout on her lips. And I could feel her jaw clench as she tucked her lips into her mouth.
My stomach shook with the short breathy laugh that escaped my lungs. I could picture it now. Brittany running around her house chasing her cat with a squirt gun and asking him if he wanted to get wet. Brittany feeding her cat and asking if he likes eating. Brittany doing something similar to what she did this morning; asking if he wanted to get scratched or kissed. All of it sounding like something her parents would cringe at, but probably not correct her on. I'm not sure if that would have been because they didn't want her to lose her innocence, or because they didn't want to explain what she was actually saying.
But the thing is. Brittany knew exactly what she was saying. She knows about sex. In fact, Brittany is a pro at sex. She's had sex with dozens of guys, kissed almost the entire school, and more recently has started fucking me. If the Pierce's even got a brief wind of their daughter's knowledge and experience, they'd probably faint. And then they'd die. And then they'd wake up as zombies and faint again. And in between all of this fainting business, they'd tell my parents…And I'd die.
For instance, if they'd been home last night, they would have walked in on something a little…pornographic. Brittany placing her legs over my shoulders. Me leaning my head into her, using my tongue to touch where she wanted to be touched, while her fingers helped me just a little since I wasn't allowed to use any hands.
"When are your parents picking you up?" I tried to derail my mind and keep myself from getting too turned on. We needed to get ready and a quickie between us would undoubtedly turn into a longie. And then turn into someone walking in on us.
"Tomorrow morning. Super early." Brittany said. She was now trailing her pinkie over my legs. All four of her other fingers had already had their chance. "So you're gonna have to help me pack stuff when we get back tonight."
"Yuck." I grumbled at the thought. I didn't want to come home late and do stuff. I wanted to come home, relax, watch TV, and then see how long it takes for one of us to touch the other. I wanted to crawl under a blanket on her couch and see if she slipped a hand inside my shorts. I didn't want to come back to her place, do manual labor, and then pass out on her couch because I was too tired. I wanted to spend this last day, before things changed, doing something that might convince me not to do something I'll probably end up regretting.
But who am I kidding? This decision has so many different flimsy justifications that there's no way I'm not going through with it. Not even one more erotic night with Brittany will change anything. I've tried to narrow it down, find something that explains why I decided this was my best option, but I can't.
It started out so sudden. With Quinn in the hall when I saw her reading Brittany's letter to me. That silly little letter that said so much…And all of these things in the letter, in those lyrics she copied down, were positive.
I just can't figure out how Brittany sees me so positively. How does she think I'm a nice person? Why doesn't she find someone who doesn't freak out after every other orgasm? She can have anyone in the school, and she stays single. Why? Why doesn't she have a real relationship with someone who is willing to offer her everything she needs? What we have is confusing. Both of us know it. We have both extremes.
The best friend extreme. We do everything together. We take all of our classes together. We've spent almost every day this summer doing something. We go shopping, I go watch her motocross races, we sunbathe in her backyard, we sneak out to parties, and then sneak back into her bedroom.
Then we have the sex extreme. We had sex at school in between those classes that we took together. And almost every day that we've spent together this summer, we've flirted, kissed, cuddled.
But there's no in between. There's no relationship that the sex justifies. I don't talk about it, and when she mentions something about it, I close up. We don't talk about my little freak outs, we don't talk about why we're doing what we're doing, and what it might mean.
We just do it.
And I'm terrified that Brittany's going to figure out what I already know. She deserves better. She's either on the verge of figuring it out, or has already figured it out and is trying to find a way and opportunity to let me down easy.
I'm terrified of losing her. I need her. I love her. I just need to figure out a way to make myself a little more confident. That's one of the reasons I'm doing this. And I think that's the only reason I can somewhat justify without confusing myself too much.
"Are you hungry Santana?" Brittany asked. Her hand stopped and rested on top of my thigh. "I have cereal. My mom bought Cheerios." She muttered into my bare abdomen. Brittany didn't like eating Cheerios, she just liked getting them because of cheer.
"Sure." I flipped the sheet off of my face.
She sat up, patted my stomach, and then leaped off the bed. Her body caught my attention. She was already wearing her swimsuit. When did she get up this morning, and how did I not hear her change?
My phone jarred the nightstand next to me. Two short vibrations, followed by one long vibration. It repeated. Two short, one long. Someone was calling. I reached for the phone. Quinn's name was displayed across the screen. "I'll be right out Britt." I said to her. I waited for her to leave the room before I answered.
"Hello?" I said through the phone, keeping my voice steady and calm, knowing that this conversation was probably going to ignite a few disastrous emotions.
"You're not really going through with this are you?" Quinn spat through the phone. I could tell she was annoyed. But it was a different type of annoyed. Not the same annoyed she gets when someone sits in her seat during lunch at school, or when Rachel makes some pathetic comment about Finnocence.
"Uhm. Yeah I am. It's tomorrow morning and it's a little late to change my mind." I tried to sound as annoyed as she did, but I could feel my voice shaking.
"I just don't understand why Britt can't help you." Quinn continued. "I have other things to do than babysit your boobs."
"You're not babysitting anything Fabray." I used her last name. It was an attempt to keep things less personal and keep her suggestions less personal. "All you have to do is pick me up. Have Puckerfuck drop you off and drive my car to my place. I'm sure he'd be dying to spend some time with his baby mamma."
Bringing up the baby was good. It'd make her feel guilty. It'd bully her into feeling bad for taking my man.
"This is stupid Santana. I don't understand why you're doing this." Quinn demanded.
"It really doesn't matter does it? It's my decision." I was starting to get frustrated. How hard is it to just drive me home? She's done it before. She's picked both me and Britt up at parties and taken us home. "Can you do it or not?" My impatience was boiling.
"Whatever." Quinn hushed through the phone.
"Whatever what?" I snapped. My words came out louder than I had intended. I shot my eyes up to the door Brittany had just exited. Had she heard that? "If you don't do it, I'll just have Puck do it. I guess he's gonna find out about them sooner or later. Might as well clue him in on the upgrade."
"I don't want Puck, Santana. If I wanted him I'd be dating him." Her voice was monotone.
I didn't know how to respond. If I couldn't threaten her by using sex with Puckerman, then I had nothing. Quinn didn't have anything. She wasn't a Cheerio. She wasn't dating anyone. She was just…Quinn.
She was silent too, clearly waiting for me to say something.
"I'll…j-just," I was stumbling. I didn't know who else I'd ask. I guess I could ask Mercedes or Tina, but they'd be worse than Quinn. I'm not sure if I could handle the looks they'd give me.
"Fine," she said. One word. Finally. One word that caused my stomach to unknot just a little. Finally, someone kind of approved. Maybe my decision isn't so bad after all?
"Okay." I wanted to say thanks, but my throat stuffed the gratitude back down into my stomach. "Are you coming over to Britt's later?" I changed the subject, before she asked any more questions or changed her mind.
"What time?" Her voice was still bland and emotionless.
"What time is it?" I searched the room until my eyes rested on Brittany's alarm clock.
"Eleven." Quinn answered.
"One. I think that's what she told everyone else." I rubbed my hands into my eyes. Trying to wipe away the fact that I'd slept away my entire morning.
"Should I still bring fruit?" Quinn asked.
"Yeah." A yawn echoed from my mouth.
Our conversation had died. The fire it'd started with was dimmed and hidden.
"Bye." I said before she could.
"Bye." Quinn hung up the phone first.
I dropped my phone on the bed and shoved my palms into my eyes. Am I crazy? No, no I'm not. I'm fixing things.
A clap stung every other beat. A techno beat throbbed on every the sixteenth note. It was the perfect song to dance to.
Brittany's body pulsated in perfect rhythm with the beat. The tones were heavy.
And I just wanna dance with you.
She was wearing a navy blue tank top and short jean shorts. Nothing too indulgent. But with the way the tank top rode up her torso and the way her shorts dipped below the dimple in the small of her back, she didn't need to dress up like everyone else. She already looked sexy.
I wanted her to find me. I'd been sitting, sipping my drink, glancing at her, hoping that she'd spot me through the crowd.
Every time they turn the lights down. Just wanna go that extra mile for you.
She touched herself. Her hand pushed against her own hips, slid up, and groped up the side of her body. Her shirt rose with her hands. And as she twisted with the music, the muscles in her stomach swelled and contracted.
We can get down like there's no one around. We keep on rockin', keep on rockin.
And then she saw me. The glance was quick, but long enough to let me know that she was coming over. Her hand touched the guys chest she was dancing with and her fingers toyed over it like she was playing a piano. She leaned in, whispered something apologetic into his ear, and then turned towards me.
The center of attention. Even when we're up against the wall. You got me in a crazy position, if you're on a mission, you've got my permission.
She made it a point not to look at me again. She made eye contact with strangers, smiled at them. She even looked towards the bar, like she was thinking about heading that way and blowing me off. But her legs kept bringing her closer.
And when she reached me she didn't stop to say hello. She didn't stop to wait for me to respond. She just leaned right into my ear. "Spread you're legs." She leaned back and started to look around. The question from her lips didn't even faze her.
But it caused the spot below my stomach to ripple. A small precursor to the inevitable moan she's going to force from my lips.
I followed her command. Using the bar stool for support, I perched my feet on the second rung and spread my legs at the knee.
She left me sitting like that for a second. Waiting. Anticipating.
And then she turned back.
I just can't, control myself.
Her eyes flickered down to my spread legs. The stinging blue in her eyes locked on my increasingly dampening center. My dress had ridden up my legs and the tiny indigo fabric of my thong was visible between us. She then glanced back to examine the crowd. She was checking to see if they were watching, but not because she was worried about the fact. She wanted them looking at us. She wanted them to know what she was going to do to me. She wanted them to listen to me scream her name over the music. She wanted to watch me dig my nails into her back while she pushed her fingers deep into me.
Her body leaned back into mine and her face disappeared into the crook of my neck. She spoke into the sensitive skin. "Wider."
My knees spread wider the instant the word left her lips.
"Wake up silly!" The voice ripped me from her next action.
My eyes shot open and I jerked in response. Did she see? Hear? Is there something I need to hide? The sun blinded my sight and forced me to squeeze my eyes back shut. Tiny orange dots started to form on the inside of my eyelid, turning the blackness into a milky grey.
"Ow. My eyeballs." I swung my forearm over my eyes to further hide them from the beating sun. I used my other hand to pull the ear buds from my iPod out of my ears. The headphones fell and the music was replaced with a humid silence.
"Sorry. But people are almost here." Brittany said.
I made sure my arm was shading the sun before I peeked up at her. She was standing above me wearing a pink bikini top and faded jean shorts that were unbuttoned, revealing a matching pink bikini bottom. Great, after that little fantasy now she's walking around with her shorts undone. How the hell am I supposed to keep my hands to myself.
"Hello." An annoyingly familiar voice called toward us. I'd recognize that voice anywhere. It made me want to scrape forks across expensive china, run my shortened nails across a dusty chalkboard, and chew on cotton balls just so I'd be able to drown it out. "This looks like it should be fun."
That's how I'm going to keep my hands to myself.
I moved my arm back over and covered my eyes. Why the hell did I let Brittany be in charge of the guest list? All she did was tell Tina and Mercedes to invite people. And then voila…All the annoying glee losers were here.
"What'd you bring?" Brittany immediately questioned. I listened to her footsteps pat away across the grass. "Water…" Her voice was heavy and upset. "Rachel I have water in my toilet. This is useless."
I laughed, glad that even though Brittany didn't entirely loathe Rachel like I did, that she was still willing to speak her mind.
"This isn't toilet water Brittany. And now I'm glad that I brought fresh water. Goodness knows what I'd be drinking if I didn't." Rachel responded.
"Puck's bringing booze." Brittany stated without wavering. "Yum." She said yum, so plain and simple that again it caused me to laugh.
"Uhm. No thank you. I will not be peer pressured into anything. I am here for the barbecue and to support my boyfriend. Finn wanted to stop by, and seeing as how we are now officially a couple it's only natural that I join him." She tisked. "So, no thank you. I will drink my water."
"We weren't going to give you any beer dwarf. Shave you're beard and use it as extensions." I spoke loudly, not sure how far away everyone was.
"Have you ever thought about joining girl scouts?" Brittany questioned.
"What? No." Rachel sounded confused.
"Hot." Puckerman called through the backyard. "Brittany, you should wear a bikini every day." A few seconds passed before he continued. "Where's yours Rachel?"
Wait…What? He's not going to make some nasty crude comment about me? For goodness sake, I'm lying in the middle of the yard and practically naked in the skimpy bikini.
"There's no swimming pool." She ridiculed.
"Yeah so." He sounded lost. "What's that have to do with wearing something hot. Brittany's showing off her fine ass."
Okay, I need to get up now.
I sat up, wound the earphones around my iPod, and pushed myself up from the fuzzy green beach towel I'd been lying on.
Rachel, Finn, Puck, and Brittany were all standing in a small circle. All four of them looked to me as I approached. Rachel retracted, taking my presence serious now that I was actually standing. Finn's eyes glanced over my body. Now there's the look I'd been expecting from Puckerman the instant he walked in. Finn's eyes fumbled over my chest, stuttered at my bikini bottom, and slid over my legs. Brittany smiled. It was cute. The corner of her lips pinched and her eyes widened.
"Look what the cat dragged in." Puckerman finally did a once over down my body.
"No he didn't." Brittany rose an eyebrow.
I spoke up before she mentioned something about her cat. It's not that I didn't find that kind of stuff adorable, because I do, but I just didn't want people raising their eyebrows at her. I didn't want her calling it pussy in front of Puckerman. "Where's the beer?"
"Table." He pointed behind him at the small folding table Brittany had pulled out of her garage. A case of Blue Moon was sitting on the middle of it.
My heart leapt when I saw Quinn standing by that table. I figured I would have seen her walk in at least, and would have had the opportunity to think of something to distract myself from the conversation we had had earlier.
I fully intended to grab a beer and get tipsy this afternoon, but I won't have that luxury until Quinn stops pawing through her fruit tray and moves away from the table. And I know she's doing it on purpose. She knows I want to go over there and grab a beer.
Instead I took a spot inside the circle, in between Puckerman and Rachel, across from Brittany. Her chest caught my attention. It curved perfectly. I'm not at all surprised Puckerman called out how hot she was. Because, holy shit…My little fantasy did her plenty of justice, but this…
What has gotten into me lately? Why am I suddenly, uncontrollably, turned on by her? She doesn't even have to do anything to make me squirm.
Do I have the same affect on her? I can't…My boobs are a little smaller than hers. Not by much, but they are. I don't fill out my top as fully as she does hers. But that's going to change soon. Soon enough I'm going to turn her on, just like she turns me on. There, another reason. That makes sense, right? Yes.
"Hey?" Puckerman snapped and bumped into my shoulder.
My vision had focused on something near the ground. Nothing specific. But his bump pulled me back and caused my eyes to dart towards him. Thank goodness I hadn't been staring at her boobs.
"What?" I felt my face scowl. My forehead cringed into itself and my upper lip curled up.
"Do you want a beer?" He stepped back and towards the table with the alcohol, and with Quinn.
"Oh. Yeah. Grab me one." I looked over at Brittany to see if she wanted one too, but Puckerman had apparently already beat me to the punch.
"Gotcha. One for Brittany one for you," He pointed at me as he said you.
The rest of the Glee clubbers trickled in. Mike, Mercedes, Tina, and even Artie tagged along. I was a little surprised, slightly bummed, when Mike told Brittany and me that Matt had moved. He'd always been nice to me, and I guess I'd had a little thing with him when Brittany had her little fling with Kurt.
I decided to keep myself sober, so I sipped on one beer. Brittany did the same. Since she had a motocross match tonight, it probably wasn't a good idea to get wasted. And seeing as how I was driving…
Puckerman helped Brittany set up a slip n' slide, which turned out to be surprisingly fun. It also turned out that going two at once down the narrow blue tarp was an awful idea. Brittany had shot off the tarp within the first few feet, and I had tumbled off about halfway down.
The only one that didn't go down it was Quinn. She hung out and chatted with Mercedes for the most part. Sometimes she talked with Tina or said something to Mike. I'd been pretty successful avoiding her the entire afternoon, until she decided to use the bathroom at the same time as me.
I pulled open the bathroom door, only to run straight into her in the hallway.
"Excuse me." I tried to squeeze by her, but she grabbed my elbow.
"Santana hold on." Her hand let go of my arm the instant I stopped.
I didn't ask what, I didn't snap at her. I just stopped like she asked, and looked at her as if I were expecting something worthwhile. But she didn't say anything else. She was waiting for me to say something. What the hell?
"What?" I finally said, becoming extraordinarily uncomfortable with the silence.
"Nothing." She retracted. I could tell she was biting her tongue. "I just…wanted to know what time to pick you up."
"Uh…" I was a little thrown by the question. I'd been anticipating another one of snotty remarks saying I was stupid for making this decision. But I sorted out my thoughts and found the proper answer. "Noon. He said it should be done by noon."
"Are you-" She started.
But I cut her off. If I heard are you sure, one more time I was going to flip the fuck out. "Yes!" I clenched my fists. "Yes Quinn, I am sure. I have been sure ever since I told you in the hallway. And if you keep asking me I'm going to pull all of your hair out."
Quinn's eyes were doe-like and startled.
"Are you going alone…?" She asked her question slowly.
My eyes closed in embarrassment. She hadn't even been asking the question I had assumed. Now I was going to be forced to explain myself. Great job Santana, way to go.
"Yeah." I crossed my arms, I wasn't sure what else to do with them.
"I'll just pick you up in the morning. I don't have plans that early anyway." She shuffled. "This kind of surgery is a big deal though. Changing your body isn't something you take lightly."
"You think I'm stupid pendeja? No. Sé lo que hago." The Spanish spit out in to cover up my anxiety. But I stopped myself, took a breath, and continued in English. "I know what I'm doing."
Quinn shook her head, but stopped when she realized what she was doing.
"Really? Hm." I was short with her, and shifted my weight to one leg. "Why don't you tell me your opinion, since you seem so adamant about giving it jefecita?"
"I don't have an opinion Santana." Quinn countered with an equal amount of attitude. "I'm just saying I don't understand why you're doing this. You get plenty of attention from guys."
Confidence -I couldn't tell her that though. She'd then corner me into another explanation that would lead into Brittany…I needed something else. Something true.
"Guys like me because I fuck good." The reason slipped off my tongue. "They approach me because of what they've heard. They don't take me on dates. I want someone to walk up to me for another reason."
Quinn didn't answer right away. I guess she wasn't expecting an honest answer. It wasn't my number one honest answer, but it still was another reason. It made sense. Perfect sense. It was enough to shut her up, and keep me from blurting something about not wanting to lose Brittany.
I tried to hold back the words, but they kept pouring out. "Puck didn't even look at me when he walked in. He didn't say anything." I looked down at my body, "Look at me, I'm practically naked." I paused again, straining to hold back the words, but they forced themselves through my clenched teeth. "It's because I haven't had sex with him for awhile." I stopped myself. I forced my throat to close. I need to get his attention, before someone notices what's going on between Britt and me.
I closed my eyes. So very very very relieved I hadn't said that last part.
"Hey guys." Brittany's voice slipped between Quinn and me. She stepped into the hallway. Her eyes were studying me, searching my own eyes, and trying to figure out what was going on. Why was I standing in the hallway with Quinn? Why did I look pissed off?
"Hey Britt Britt." It surprised me how soft my voice came out. "What's up?"
From the corner of my eye I could see Quinn shift between Brittany and me. I'd give anything to know what she was thinking. It had to be something about my decision. Was she wondering if I had told Britt? Had she noticed the softness in my voice? Had she noticed my eyes flicker down to Brittany's chest?
"Just looking for you. We need to hit the road soon. Everyone's heading out." Brittany's eyes darted over to Quinn.
I wasn't sure if Brittany was commenting and suggesting that Quinn leave, somehow standing up for me. Maybe she was, but I doubt it. I was the one who stood up for Brittany. I didn't need her standing up for me.
"Good luck Brittany." Quinn smiled and stepped past us. "Let me know how your race goes." Quinn kept her smile and headed for the door.
I watched her leave, and didn't turn to Brittany until she was outside and the door was shut.
"What's wrong?" Her question stung straight into my chest.
I couldn't lie to her. But I couldn't tell the truth. Not yet anyway. I wanted to get it over with, and then explain myself, because I know she'd stop me. "Quinn's just being nosey." I shot my hand out and linked my pinkie with hers. "How about we start getting you ready." I smiled at her.