6.21 Let It Bleed tag - One of Jensen's personal highlights from the Winchester brothers' adventures from the 2011 Comic Con Special Edition of TV Guide. "I knew the writers would have to do something with Ben and Lisa and give fans what they want in a way they didn't expect. I didn't suspect they'd erase their memories. I loved the way the scene was written and how it turned out." – JA

I agree…who else could show us Dean's pain in such subtle and heartfelt ways? So understated and yet so profoundly touching. Truly an episode that resonates more on further examination. This is simply a short jaunt inside Dean's head…

Best Intentions

I thought I was protecting them. I tried. But whatever I did turned out wrong. Whether I stayed or went, they were in danger. I should have known that something would come. Something always does.

"Ben, mark my words…you will never, ever shoot a gun."

I promised myself this wouldn't happen, that Ben wouldn't have the life I had, and yet, it spun out of control so fast. Before I knew it…

"Ben, grab the salt gun. I got to carry your mom out, so if anything comes at us, you shoot it."

He was older than I'd been. But then I was always older than my years.

I didn't want this for him. Now I know…my dad didn't want this for me either.

I was terrified of becoming my dad. I never realized it was already too late.

Try as I may to protect them, I couldn't.

And I couldn't live with leaving them. Would never abandon them.

I was torn.

Pulled between dreams and reality. Wedged between good and evil. Locked between right and wrong.

Being who Lisa wanted and what I was…a hunter…a killer.

Trying my damnedest to be who Ben thought I was. Who I hoped I could be.

"You know what I wanted, more than anything, was a guy that Ben could look up to…like a dad."

I tried…god, Lisa, I tried.

In the end I knew it was over. Knew before she told me to go. Knew what I needed to do.

Knew what was best for them.

That didn't make it any easier.

At the hospital Ben couldn't even look at me. I can't blame him.

What I did to him, what I said, is unforgivable…exactly what my dad did to me.

"Ben! Come on! Pull it together. You want your mom to die?"

Those are terrible words to put on a kid. Responsibility he never deserved. Guilt he did nothing to earn.

I hated myself for saying it, for pushing him into that role, for not stopping this before it went that far.

I lost control for a moment. But then I've been out of control for the past year. Yearning for something I couldn't have. Making them pay for my wanton desires.

In the end I only saw one way out of this mess.

I did what I could to make it right, to fix my mistake and protect them like I'd promised.

All I wanted was to return Ben to his innocence, to give them back their lives.

To take it all back and leave them as they were before…

It's the least I could do, after all that I'd done.

The End


June 2011

All standard disclaimers apply.

Dean continues to break my heart, surrendering his own desires to care for the people he loves. Wiping their memories may not be right or even practical, but it was done out of love, another sacrifice in a life full of sacrifice.

Thanks for reading, B.J.