This Hetalia fanfic is just for fun I do not own the series or Monty python

It was just an average course of training for the allies or was it?

"Good evening class!" America said shouting

"Good evening." The rest groaned.

"Where are all the others, then?"

"They're not here."

"I can see that. What's the matter with them?"


China guessed what was wrong afterwards saying,

"Perhaps they've got the flu aru."

America started to shout,

"Huh! Flu, eh? They should eat more Fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self- defense. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against someone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit."

They all groaned as soon as they heard fresh fruit. Russia soon followed up by saying.

"You promised we wouldn't do fruit the week."

"What do you mean?"

France answered this time,

"Well we've done fruit for the last nine weeks."

"What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?"

"Can't we do something else for a change?" asked Russia.

"Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?" England asked softly.

America closed in on England yelling in his face.

"Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit aint good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my boy. When you're walking home tonight and some homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me!"

America turned around and then started instructing the class.

"Now, the passion fruit. When your assault lunges at you with a passion fruit.."

They all said at the same time,

"We've done the passion fruit."

"What?" America asked.

"We've done the passion fruit aru."

"We've done oranges, apples, grapefruit..."

"Whole and segments." France followed up Russia

"Pomegranates, greengages."

"Grapes, passion fruit."



"and Mangos in syrup aru."

America then asked them,

"How about cherries?"

They all said simultaneously,

"We've done them."

"Red AND black?"

"Yes." They answered

Knowing that they've done so many fruits America thought of another fruit they didn't do yet. Then he knew what to do.

"All right then. Bananas! We haven't done them have we?"

They groaned "No."

"Right! Bananas! How to defend yourself against somebody armed with a Banana!"

America threw a banana at China and China caught it.

"Now, It's quite simple to defend yourself against the banana fiend! FIRST you force him to drop the banana, next, you EAT the banana! Thus disarming him. You have now rendered him HELPLESS!"

France then asked, "Suppose he's got a bunch?"

"SHUT UP!" America shouted back.

"Suppose he's got a pointed stick?" England asked.

"SHUT UP!" he shouted again. "Right! Now you Mr. Watermelon!"

China sighed, "It's Wang."

"Wang! Mr. Wang, come at me with the banana. Come on! Attack me with it as hard as you like. Come on!"

China began just walking but America yelled at him again.

"NO! No! No! Put something into it for God's sake! Hold it like that!" America then lifted his arm above his head and made a fist. "Scream! Now come on! Come on attack me! Come on! Come on!"

China then screamed and tried to attack him with the banana only to be shot as soon as he got close.

"Now! Now I eat the banana!"

America began eating the banana while the others commented while pointing at China's body saying.

"You shot him! He's dead!"

"I have now eaten the banana! The deceased Mr. Watermelon is now disarmed!"

Russia was in shock and said,

"You shot him! You shot him dead!"

"Why he was attacking me with a banana!"

"Well you told him too." France answered back.

"Look I'm only doing my job! I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit!"

"And pointed sticks." England followed.


Russia then asked,

"Well, Supposed someone comes at you with a banana and you haven't got a gun?"

"Run for it!"

France then followed with

"You could stand and scream for help."

"Yeah you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe."

France then asked,

"A pineapple?"

America heard the name of the fruit and thought he was being attacked.


"No I just said: a pineapple."

"Oh Phew, I though my number was on that one."

"What, on the pineapple?"


"No I was just repeating it."

"Oh, Right! That's the banana then. Next the raspberry! There we are. Harmless looking thing isn't it? Now you Mr. Blueberry."

"Bonnefoy." France corrected.

"Bonnefoy. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it."


"Why not?"

"You'll shoot me."

"I won't"

"You shot Mr. Wang"

"That was self-defense. Now come on I promise I won't shoot you."

England then asked.

"You promise you'll tell us about pointed sticks?"

"SHUT UP!" America shouted back, "Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give me Hell."

France then requested,

"Throw the gun away."

"I haven't got a gun."

"You have." He answered back.

"Haven't!" Said America.

"You shot Mr. Wang with it."

America then realized what he was talking about.

"Oh that gun!"

"Throw it away." France requested.

"Oh all right!" America then put the gun down. "How to defend yourself against a raspberry without a gun!"

"You we gonna shoot me!"

"I wasn't!" America argued.

"You were!" France answered back.

"No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed."

France began to demonstrate and attack but then America pulled a lever and a 16-ton weight fell. America then said,

"Now, if anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him."

Then Russia asked,

"Suppose there isn't a 16 ton weight?"

"Well that's planning isn't it? Forethought."

"Well how many 16 ton weights are there?"

"Look, look, look, smarty pants. The 16-ton weight is just one way. JUST ONE WAY! of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others."

"Like what?"

"Shooting him."

"Well suppose you haven't got a gun or a 16 ton weight?"

"All right clever dick, all right! Come at me with raspberries come on, whole basket each!"

"No guns?"


"No 16-ton weight?"


England then popped in again,

"No pointed sticks?"


Russia continued,

"No rocks up in the ceiling?"


"You won't kill us?"

"I won't kill you."

"You promise?"

"I promise I won't kill you now are you going to attack me?"

Both said at the same time,

"All right."

"Right! Now, don't rush me this time. I'm gonna turn my back so you can stalk me. Right? Come up as quietly as you can right close up behind me, then. In with the raspberries, right? Start moving!"

Both England and Russia started moving in with the raspberry baskets just like America told them to do so. Then America instructed,

"Now the first thing to do when you're stalked by and ugly mob with raspberries is to release the tiger."

America then pulled a lever and released a tiger as Russia and England went running and screaming for their lives.

"The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe but also the redcurrants. Tigers however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well I'm ready for you. I've wired myself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it..."


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