AN: My update rate as of late (hey I rhymed!) is starting to disturb me...I need a boyfriend...Seen as few cousin type ideas like this; loved the idea. Thought I'd try my own hand at it. Enjoy!
Still in the process of working out those ownership rights to Draco...but everyone else is J.K. Rowling's'.
~HERMIONE GRANGER'S HOUSE~~THREE DAYS BEFORE THE WEDDING~
Hermione took a deep breath and counted to ten...again.
It was three days before her wedding.
Her mother and Molly Weasley had decided that instead of the traditional day before, her and her groom were not allowed to meet the entire week before their wedding due to the...enthusiasm of their meetings.
Her gown had come in. And it was too small in the bust, too large in the waist, and too FAT in the arse.
She wasn't allowed to see her groom.
On top of that, Ginny Weasley, her maid of honour kept going missing; showing up hours later looking thoroughly shagged- the lucky bitch.
She wasn't allowed to kiss her groom.
She wasn't allowed to molest her groom into the ground.
Her cousins were here; her vile, rude, skanky cousins who thought they were God's gift to men. These were the cousins who spent their every childhood play date pondering about whether or not Hermione was in fact female. Then when they got a little older, they wondered about whether or not she'd remain a nerdy virginal librarian for the rest of her life. Seeing as Hermione had finally come into her looks, and filled out in all the right areas they could no longer tease her over her body. They did however, still sneer and smirk over her bookish nature, and her bossiness. They were currently sitting in her room, speculating about what her groom must look like.
And they were her fucking bridesmaids. Thanks a ton mum...
"Hey Hermy, is he a bookworm too?"
Hermione had to smile at that, thinking about her fiancé, who shared her love of books like no other. "Oh yeah, he definitely is. He even puts me to shame."
The cousins, Hestia and Hera, exchanged a look. Hermione's father's family was very into naming their children after Greek Gods.
Hera sneered. "He would have to be a super geek. Only some loserish Computer Programmer could afford a ring like that." She was pointing at Hermione's white gold ring, with emerald setting surrounded by blood red diamonds. "And only a total loser lacking fashion sense would get a ring with a big emerald and tiny diamonds. Anyone who's anyone knows the diamonds are always bigger!"
Hermione silently wondered if she'd ever even seen a diamond before for all her bitching.
Hestia spoke up. "He probably wears big fat glasses, and has big fuzzy hair just like Hermy here."
Hera nodded along. "Yeah. I'll bet he's every bit the pizza face we think he is too. Who else would marry Hermy? And he's probably fat, and has some big ugly mole on his penis or something. Right Hermy?"
Before Hermione could say anything, Hestia cut in. "Why are you asking her Hera? It's not like she's ever seen his cock, or anyone else's for that matter."
"Oh yeah, that's true. I mean what would the Saintly Virgin do if she saw a cock? Probably faint; if she even realized what it was."
"Jeez Hermy, would you even know what to do with a dick if you came across one?"
"Came? She wouldn't even know what was happening in that case. She'd probably think she had to take a piss. Besides, she would first have to work through the mechanics of fucking for her to even understand enough to get horny, let alone cum."
At this, Hermione couldn't help but laugh. Oh, if they only knew. That's right; she was marrying the Slytherin Sex God. And she was willing and able to defend that title at the drop of a hat. This however, gave her an idea. Hermione figured she had three days to kill anyway, why not get some kicks out of it while she had to wait around.
"Alright well since you lot think you're so clever, I'll make you a little deal. I'll give you my senior yearbook. If you can guess who from my year I'm marrying, based solely on looks I'll strip to my skivvies to recite my vows."
The cousins couldn't have grinned any bigger if they were put under a cheering charm.
Hermione continued. "However, if you're wrong, you have to try and hook up with the hottest older man you see at the wedding."
Again, grinning they looked at each other. It seemed to be a win-win situation. Of course they were going to guess correctly. It wasn't hard to tell what kind of freak show might want to marry Hermione right? There could only be so many people at that level of grotesque in one school.
Hera piped up. "Let's make it more interesting. We'll agree to your littler wager, but I want to up our end of the bargain. When we win, because you're obviously bluffing, you also have to introduce us to the hottest man of our choice, from your school album, deal?"
Hermione smirked at them, reminiscent of her fiancé (though they didn't know that). "Whatever you say."
Hermione opened her closet and got up on a small step stool. She shoved some boxes around, finally coming to the one labelled "Yearbooks". On top was her seventh year Hogwarts yearbook. Casting a silent spell, Hermione changed the image of the golden trio flying around in formation to an unmoving picture of her and her three friends. Above them she put in a banner titled "Chess Club Champions of St. Basiliska's." Hermione couldn't help adding a picture of a badly made Warthog costume, seemingly on a student with the headline "School Mascot: Hoggy the Warthog."
Happy with her revised yearbook, Hermione stepped down from her stool. At the last minute she realized all the students were dressed in robes...and moving. Casting as deft spell she changed all the pictures to stills of them wearing typical school uniforms. She handed the book to her cousins and told them to have fun as she went downstairs.
As she left the room she grinned as she heard the shrieks behind her. "CHESS CLUB CHAMPIONS? Damn Hermy; don't go getting out of control there!"
When Hermione got downstairs she found nothing short of utter chaos.
Harry and Ginny were pressed into a corner with their tongues down each other's throats. Pansy, Daphne, Lavender, and Luna, the bridesmaids, were in varying states of disarray. Pansy was screaming into her fireplace; apparently Madame Malkin had made the grave error of making Pansy a bridesmaids' dress that was much too tight in the bust and hip area. She was currently getting taken to task over how the Parkinson's would never do business with her again if she didn't re-tailor the dress for her, free of charge. Daphne was yelling at a man in the doorway about how they needed flower arrangements for a wedding; the biggest wedding in history actually, not a fucking funeral. Lavender was still trying to convince the mums that while Hermione, the bride, may want them to wear emerald green bridesmaids' dresses, she shouldn't have to. Apparently it did nothing positive for her hair or complexion. Hermione's mum was calmly trying to explain to her that it's the bride's choice, and as her friend she just has to deal. Molly just looked ready to hex the girl's mouth shut until after the wedding reception. And there was neither hide nor hair of Luna's normally calm disposition; too bad for Blaise, who was the best man. She was currently yelling at him about how his tie was crooked, and he was a right bastard for not knowing how to tie one after seven years at Hogwarts. Luna also screamed something about hexing his tie to turn into a noose if he didn't have someone tie it properly for the wedding.
So okay. The wedding is in three days. Stupid cousins are being stupid. Maid of honour keeps trying to get herself off in dark corners with the Boy Who Lived. Bridesmaids are all loony. Best man has a crooked tie. Wedding dress doesn't fit. Someone thinks this is a funeral (which it very well may end up at this rate). And she couldn't ravish her husband-to-be until the wedding night. Fuck her bloody brilliant life.
Calling all of her insane wedding party to a halt Hermione cast the Muffliato and spoke. "All right everyone, I decided to have a little fun with the Wonder Sisters up there. I gave them my Hogwarts yearbook and told them to pick out my groom from it. They seemed rather interested in how much of a geeky pizza face bookworm he is. So I made them a little wager."
Ron winced, having made many a wager with Hermione before. "What are they going to have to do...?"
"Well, I told them if they won I'd strip down and recite my vows in my skivvies. If I win and they don't guess correctly, they must try to hook up with the hottest older man at the wedding reception. And they asked to make it more interesting; they want to meet the hottest student out of my year of their choosing. Any guesses who they'll choose?" Hermione smirked.
Pansy took one look at her and promptly fell over laughing, hitting her head on the coffee table on the way down. "Do you know you look exactly like a blood born Malfoy when you smirk like that?"
Harry shushed them. "Be quiet! They're coming down stairs!"
Hermione ended her spell and waited for them to come down as everyone went back to what they were doing, Pansy finishing up her floo call quickly while Madame Malkin apologized profusely.
Hestia and Hera came down the steps smirking. Although Blaise quietly commented to Hermione that they looked like they'd smelled sour milk. Seeing Blaise whispering in her ear they immediately stopped and stared at him, demanding Hermione introduce them.
There was no way Hermy was marrying that piece of godliness...
Blaise took it upon himself to make introductions. "Why hello! I'm Blaise Zabini; the best man."
Hestia leered at him creepily enough to make him take a step behind Hermione, slightly hiding himself from her view. "How ever did a geek like Hermy's boyfriend land a best man as yummy as you?"
Blaise raised an eyebrow. "Oh you know, school, clubs, this and that."
Hermione faintly heard Ron snort behind his hand to her left. She heard his whisper to Harry clearly however. "Death Eater club; wouldn't this little bint like to know about that piece of 'geekiness'?" Harry chortled.
"We've decided on two prospects that we think are perfect for you Hermy," Hera announced.
Hestia sneered. "There were only two we thought were anywhere in your league. Damn, if we knew you went to school with such hotties we would have applied, and gotten in. Who'd say no to faces like ours?"
Harry coincidentally took off his glasses, cleaning them as if they were the key to the universe. Ron started whistling, looking out the window at a tree. Blaise just sneered down at them, snorted and moved closer to Hermione, flinging his arm around her shoulders.
Hermione just grinned maliciously at them. "Alright, well since you chose two, then how about you two have to find two different men each to try and hook up with. Is that alright with you? Hook up with the two hottest older men at the wedding."
The girls grinned at each other. "Deal."
Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Well? Let's see my possible grooms; I have other things to do you know!"
Hestia took the book out from under her arm and opened the first bookmarked page. "Well the first prospect is uhm, Vincent Crabbe."
Hermione merely raised an eyebrow again. Blaise kept an impassive face, but she could tell by the grip on her shoulder that he was very close to falling over dead. And everyone else has consequentially fallen into a fit of coughs at the name.
Turning to the next bookmarked page, Hera announced the second name. "Gregory Goyle."
The entirety of the room was in the throes of what sounded like Bronchitis, while Hermione merely stood there with what Blaise would later tell her was the most vicious grin he had ever seen in his life, on her face. Blaise cleared his throat, as his fingers started to dig into her shoulder harder. Absentmindedly it occurred to her that she was probably bruising, but at this point she couldn't care less.
Hermione nodded. "Alright, and who am I supposed to introduce you to?"
They shuffled through the book looking for the name and portrait they had spent a full five minutes salivating over. Instead of speaking, they merely flipped the book around so Hermione could see for herself who she was to introduce them to.
Hermione and Blaise looked at the picture of the sexy, smirking blond. Blaise excused himself and ran to the bathroom, casting a silent Silencio when there. Everyone looked at him oddly, and then looked at Hermione as she spoke. "Alright, well since he's such a nice guy and I think everyone deserves to know him, I'll introduce you to Mr. Draco Malfoy no matter who wins or loses. Fair?"
At Hermione's words everyone stampeded up the stairs with clenched teeth, locking themselves in the first empty room they came to. Hera and Hestia looked at them oddly, but concentrated on their cousin.
Over the next few days, much happened. The least of it being that every time either Hera or Hestia walked into a room, everyone would burst into peals of laughter.
Madame Malkin had very apologetically re-tailored the wedding gown, and Pansy's bridesmaids' dress. Just to make sure there were no hard feelings she threw in a flower girl dress and a ring bearer's tux for free. Hermione was beyond relieved. Pansy was pleased with her bargaining- her words not Hermione's.
Daphne had finally convinced the stupid bloody flower bastard- again not Hermione's words- that the flower arrangements they needed were indeed for a wedding, not a funeral. And if he made another mistake, she'd be making the flower arrangements for his funeral after the groom and best man got through with him; that is if the bride left them anything after she was through with him.
Lavender had finally been told to take her complaints and shove them up her bony arse- those were Blaise' words- because no one cared about her or her opinion when it wasn't her wedding. Molly had covered her snicker with a cough, asking Arthur rather loudly if he knew that Lavender was only there because the groom had one too many groom's men and didn't want to let any of them go. So Lavender just sat around scowling at anything that moved.
Luna, the dear that she is had finally, finally, after many aggrieved hours, managed to teach the stupid tall Zabini asshole- again not Hermione's words- how to tie a tie perfectly. Who knew she was such a stickler for ties?
Didn't the bride have any words you ask? Why yes she did!
In fact, she had such forceful words that they were currently being bellowed into the landline of her house. "THEODORE TALON NOTT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY CAKE MELTED?"
Theo meekly tried to placate his best mate's fiancée without much luck. "Well you see Hermione, it was a thirteen tier ice cream cake right... well i guess you got unlucky with the thirteen? Ha ha, get it? well, you see, the bakers assitant is new and she well... kinda forgot to turn the freezer on and um... your cake melted."
Hermione now spoke with an eerie calm. "Theodore, you can tell that baker, that if he doesn't take the cost of my fucking cake out of his ignoramus assistant's pay check, and have an identical, perfect thirteen tier cake ready for tomorrow then I will see to it that he never works in this town again. Is that clear Theodore?"
"Crystal clear. God, and all those years we all thought you were this nice, docile little bookworm. Fuck if we weren't wrong."
"Being wrong every now and again is good for your egotistical health Theodore. Just ask my groom. Now get to work on getting me my cake! Now, Theodore!"
"Alright, alright woman! I'll get your bloody cake. God, crazy bitch scares the shit out of me calling me Theodore like that. You'd think you were my mother with that tone of voice. Alright, goodbye Hermione." And with that, Theo hung up.
Blaise piped up behind her. "Do you have an iota of a clue how scary you are sometimes?"
Hermione looked thoroughly harassed. "Well if I can't stop my stupid boyfriend, and future in-laws from spending a bloody fortune on this wedding, then I expect absolutely everything to be nothing short of perfection. I refuse to blow half the family fortune on a wedding that isn't the exact way it was instructed to be."
Blaise smirked with mirth dancing in his eyes. "Trust me, you could shop like Lavender Brown for the rest of you days, and you wouldn't put a single dent in the family fortune. This wedding isn't doing a thing to it. Take my word on that. Besides, your groom told me I'm supposed to argue with you and shut you up if you start harping about the money again. And I'd really like to not spend my day arguing with you, so kindly shut up." And with that he was gone to annoy someone else.
Hermione just glared after him. "Stupid no good Slytherins...can't believe I agreed to marry that bastard...going to have to deal with stupid no good Slytherins every bloody day...ARGH!" And with one last growl, she stomped off.
Only to be caught by the arm and dragged off by the mums and bridesmaids to check last minute fittings and arrangements. As she looked back, she saw Zabini snickering at her state, wiggling his fingers at her in a wave. Giving him the two finger salute, she turned back around to face the rest of the day before her wedding tomorrow.
She couldn't wait. Her cousins wouldn't know what hit them.
~HERMIONE GRANGER'S HOUSE~~DAY OF THE WEDDING~
Hera and Hestia had been tailing Hermione the entire day, finishing each other`s sentences. And most of those sentences were something along the lines of:
"So who're you marrying?"
"Or Mr. Goyle?'
Hermione merely spent her time ignoring them as she got ready to walk down the aisle. And they spent their time trying their damndest to figure out why people kept laughing at them whenever they walked into a room. Even that bridesmaid no one liked, what was her name...Purple Something? Even Purple laughed when they walked into the room.
Pretty soon, Hermione and her bridal party were all ready to go.
The bridesmaids were all in their emerald, knee-length halter dresses. They had matching nails and silver stilettos to complete the look. Each of them also had a bouquet of pure white roses to carry.
Ginny was in her maid of honour dress. It was similar to everyone else's in that it was also emerald however instead of knee-length it was floor length with a slit running up to her left thigh. Her nails were done the same as the bridesmaids and she wore the same stilettos. She carried no flowers as she would be handed Hermione's bouquet at the altar.
All the girls had their hair flowing free in corkscrew curls. And they were all wearing black chokers with hanging emerald pendants, along with the matching earrings.
Hermione was a vision in her wedding gown. It was floor length with a ten foot train- Narcissa had drawn the line at a minimum of ten feet on the train. It was like something out of a fairytale; a white princess gown. It had a tight, strapless bodice, which was encrusted with alternating diamonds and emeralds, so she shone as she walked. Then at the waist the dress flowed out and around her in layers upon layers of lace, mesh, and silk.
Long ago, when they had first started dating, she had introduced Draco to the Disney Masterpiece Collection. While watching Cinderella, she had commented that she'd always wanted a princess gown for her wedding. Apparently Draco had taken her literally; the thing even had a hoop under the skirt so it was like an authentic princess gown. She'd tried to say no to Narcissa, really she had. But Draco had told his mother to get Hermione a gown that a 17th century princess would wear, and she never refused her son anything. Bloody mama's boy...
Hermione's nails were done in white with silver tips. And on each nail there was an emerald snake. She hadn't asked for that, nor realized it was being done until after it was complete. Draco seemed to like going behind her back and reminding her she was marrying a Slytherin. Granted, she couldn't exactly place all the blame on him; she chose the bridesmaid dresses after all.
Hermione also wore white, strappy stilettos. She refused to be head and shoulders below Draco on today of all days. When she'd told him that, he'd just laughed at her and informed her she could be on top tonight if she didn't want to be below him. That wasn't what she had been talking about. But you know, take what you get and all that. Right?
Lastly, her hair was pinned up in what looked to be a bun made up entirely of ringlets and candy curls, all held together by pearl pins. Placed precariously on her head was a small diamond tiara, to which her veil was attached. She was also wearing a heavy diamond choker that filled up her neckline down to her cleavage, and dangly diamond earrings to match.
When she finally came down from her room, the women- sans Hera and Hestia- swarmed her with compliments; even Lavender. The men however, reacted differently.
Her misty-eyed father picked her up like she was a little girl and twirled her around one last time before she was a married woman.
Harry gaped at her. That's it. He simply...gawked at her.
Ron choked on the apple he'd been eating. He turned to Harry and spoke. "Harry...mate...I...I broke up...with...that...didn't I?"
Harry just nodded dumbly, muttering "Idiot."
Ron gave him a confirmation nod, took another look at Hermione, and then went and slammed his head into the door frame a few times. Then coming back like nothing happened, he asked if they were ready to go.
~IN THE LIMO~
Hera cackled. "Can't wait to see your face when I hit it up with that Draco Malfoy chap, and you're left high and dry with your boring old geek."
Ginny perked up at those words. "Old? That reminds me, I forgot to ask you earlier Mione, but did you get together you something old, new, borrowed, and blue?"
Hermione replied. "Well this tiara is old; it's been in his family for generations, worn by every Ma-" Hermione paused, catching her slip up. She was about to say Malfoy and that would ruin her ultimate plan to humiliate her beloved cousins. She quickly recovered, "-worn by ever bride since the beginning of his line. The dress and the diamonds are new. I didn't manage to get something borrowed. And given the circumstances, I thought it prudent for me to have something green rather than blue, and that's my green and black lingerie that I have on."
Hestia looked genuinely curious at this. "What is it you and green? Dear god, that seems to be the main colour of the wedding!"
Luna answered her shortly. "School colours. He's doing his side in red; Hermione's Gryffindor colours. She's doing her side in green; his Slytherin colours. Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff were blue and yellow respectively."
Hera grinned at that. "Oh well then that means we win the bet! Although it is really quite scary that the two of you are geeky enough to use your school house colours for your wedding theme. Those two chaps we chose for you; they were both in the Slytherin section of the yearbook! We were wondering what that meant anyway; but we win!"
Molly smiled condescendingly at them. "That remains to be seen girls."
Pansy merely rolled her eyes at the two girls. "Well, as you need something borrowed, here. It works better with your outfit anyway." She took off her favourite diamond anklet and put it on Hermione.
"Oh, thank you so much Pansy!"
"Yeah, yeah; I know I'm great. Just remember to give it back to me after the wedding or it won't be 'something borrowed' and you'll have bad luck for ten years."
Daphne snorted. "Yeah right Pans; you just want your bloody anklet back."
Pansy smirked. "So?"
This time Ginny answered her. "You're incorrigible, you know that?"
"It's the Slytherin way Gin, just ask Hermione."
Hermione nodded. "Oh yeah, most definitely the Slytherin way. Ambition and cunning; yeah right."
~OUTSIDE THE CHURCH DOORS~~AS THE BRIDAL MARCH STARTS PLAYING~
Just like Hermione was hoping, Hera and Hestia were paying little attention to the processions going on in front of them, so they missed the first few sets of bridesmaids and groom's men going in.
Hermione ignored her bitching cousins to watch as the two sets she had requested to go first went in. Hera and Hestia didn't notice a thing.
Vincent Crabbe and Luna Lovegood.
Gregory Goyle and Lavender Brown.
Theodore Nott and Daphne Greengrass.
As Theo and Daphne started up the aisle, Hermione asked the girls if they'd like a peek at the inside. Together, all the girls took a peek in, seeing Crabbe and Goyle at the altar.
Hera looked on gleefully and spoke to Hermione. "Aha! So we were right! It is one of them! Which one now? Come on, we want to know. Which one are you marrying?"
Hermione merely grinned at the fact that they failed to notice the stark white blond hair peeking out from behind Crabbe's form. "Me? Oh well, I'm marrying the sexiest one of course!"
The girls looked at Hermione like she was absolutely mad, and went to take their places next to their escorts.
Draco had been informed via Blaise that he was to stand right next to his first groom's man on the left, so as to be hidden from view of the church doors. He was to stay put until Blaise came. At which point Blaise would stand before Crabbe, and Draco would come up to stand in front of Blaise, at his rightful place. Since they were standing at an angle from the altar, Hera and Hestia wouldn't be able to see him from where they would be standing, until he stepped up. Draco had thought the entire thing a laugh riot, so he had readily agreed.
Marcus Flint and Pansy Parkinson went next.
Naturally the nicest two saps out of the groom's men got stuck with Hermione's cousins.
Ronald Weasley and Hera Granger.
Harry Potter and Hestia Granger.
Both of whom were trying to push up against their escorts in an exceedingly inappropriate manner. Harry and Ron were glad to be rid of them at the end of the aisle.
Next were Blaise Zabini and Ginerva Weasley.
Then the ring bearer and flower girl went up arm in arm. Little Teddy Lupin and Victoire Weasley made every one of the guests awe in adoration at them.
Then finally Hermione and her father.
As she walked up the aisle, she saw Blaise reach his place, and Draco step up in front of him. Her cousins weren't paying attention of course. They were probably trying to figure out between the two of them, whether Hermione was marrying Crabbe or Goyle. Boy, were they in for a surprise.
As Draco stepped up however, all thoughts of her cousins flew from Hermione's mind. He looked like pure sex on legs. Draco was wearing a pure white tuxedo, with a bright red vest, tie, cummerbund, and red rose boutonniere. Even his dress shoes were white. His hair was left in her favourite style; loose, and hanging in his eyes. As if she would have it any other way. The second they had started dating, she had stolen all his hair gel, and given it to Ron and Harry; they needed it a lot more than he did, and he looked hotter without it. He wore his silver Rolex on one wrist and the platinum chain link bracelet she had gotten him for his last birthday on the other.
His groom's men were all dressed the same as he was, but with the colours reversed. His red was their white and his white was their red. The only difference on Blaise was that his boutonniere was green to match the maid of honour's dress.
The only conscious thought Hermione managed to make to keep from salivating was, 'We would have been better off getting married on Christmas. The lot of us look like we belong in Santa's work shop. Red, green, silver and white as far as the eye can see.'
As Hermione and her father reached the end of the aisle, her father lifted her veil, kissed her on the cheek and glaringly handed her hand over to Draco.
As Headmaster Dumbledore begun speaking, Draco and Hermione only had eyes for each other, disregarding everyone else.
Then they heard Dumbledore say, "Now for the vows; the groom will go first."
Hera and Hestia were right now disinterested. They would pay attention for Hermione's vows; the ones she'd have to strip for.
Since they had worked on their vows together, they both went with each other. And they had agreed to keep them as short as possible. Three paragraph vows generally became nothing but empty words after the fifth sentence; they'd both told their mothers. Suffice to say, no one left that conversation in a good mood.
Draco grinned down at his beautiful bride. "Granger; yes I plan to call you Granger after we're married, because that's who you'll always be to me. I'll never be able to put into words how grateful I am that you gave me a second chance to prove to you I could be my own man; a man that you could grow to love. I'm so very sorry for all those years I was a prat to you in school, and while I know you've forgiven me, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself. So whether you like it or not, I plan to spend the rest of our lives making it up you; treating you like the princess you truly are. Not just today, in this dress; the one you are every day; the one I love more than anything in this world and the next."
The three most important mums at the wedding were all sitting in the front row. The lot of them were bawling into their rather embarrassed husbands' chests. Hermione's father however, looked like he would rather be joining his wife in her state, rather than trying to calm her down.
As Hermione opened her mouth Draco cut in with a smirk. "And may I just say that you look bloody effing brilliant; whoever did this is getting a massive tip."
At least he had the decorum to censor himself in a church.
Glaring up at her wayward almost-husband Hermione spoke her vows. "Draco Malfoy." At this everyone turned at the choked sound they heard near the back of the bridal procession. Hera and Hestia Granger were looking a bit on the...green side? But you know it could always be the dresses reflecting green tinted light onto their faces. I mean what would they have to feel sick about? Oh yeah...that.
Hermione raised a brow at her gaping cousins and turned back to Draco with an innocent smile. "Draco Malfoy, I hope you realize you're still an absolute prat, just like back in school. However, I'm also glad that I decided to ignore my friends and listen to my conscience; thereby giving you another chance. Today, I cannot fathom what my life would be like without you in it; I need you even more than I need books, or so Ronald says anyway. Regardless of the things the "Golden Trio" got up to, I always thought my life was missing something; a spark of excitement if you will. You brought me that excitement and I love you more than I ever thought possible for showing me what life can really be like; that it isn't all about magic stones, overgrown snakes, escaped convicts, fiery goblets, phoenix orders, nose-less snake-men, exams and books."
Those who knew what her last sentence referred to heartily laughed. Everyone else was rather confused, but assumed it must be some kind of inside joke.
Chuckling, Dumbledore opened his mouth, looked at the couple, and instead of the traditional "you may now kiss the bride," ended up having to say "With the power vested in me by the Ministry, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Mr. Malfoy, you may continue kissing your bride.
Ten seconds went by when Blaise spoke up, tapping Draco on the shoulder. "Hey mate, I know the man said you could continue...but some of us are getting kind of hungry."
On that note Ron's stomach grumbled, and his ear turned bright red.
Finally breaking apart, Hermione went to run down the aisle. And she would have succeeded, except Draco swept her up in his arms and ran down the aisle himself. Later when Hermione's muggle relatives would ask how he managed to not get caught in the train, he'd just grin at them. "Magic."
Draco and Hermione had just finished their first dance as Mr. And Mrs. Draco Malfoy, to Whitney Houston's "Count on Me."
Together they sauntered over to Hera and Hestia. The girls had seemed to be trying to avoid them. Wonder why.
Hermione grinned maliciously at her cousins. "I believe I owe the two of you an introduction to one Mr. Draco Malfoy. Now where is he? Oh he's right here; attached to the arm around my waist! Would you imagine the coincidence? Well alright. Love, this is Hera and Hestia Granger, my horrid cousins I told you about. Hera, Hestia, this is Draco Malfoy; your hottie of choice, and coincidentally your new cousin-in-law. Imagine that!"
Turning red, one of them managed to sputter. "But you said it was Vincent or Gregory!"
Hermione raised a brow. "No, you assumed it was Vince or Greg. They are, in fact groom's men."
"But-but-but you-but I asked you at the doors. I asked which one it was out of the blokes standing at the altar. And you said-"
"-I'm marrying the sexiest one. And I did marry the sexiest man at the altar. Draco was standing next to Vince; hidden from our view. I could just barely make out his hair from over Vince's head."
Hera and Hestia were at a loss for words. What could they possibly say? They just got their asses handed to them by the cousin they had spent their entire childhood treating like dirt. And not only that, the cousin they had spent the better part of twenty years calling variations of "ugly" just married the mortal Adonis. So suffice to say, they stayed silent.
If possible, Hermione's grin widened. "Now, I do believe you two have some older men to go hook up with."
With one last glare at Hermione, they started to look around the room for victims.
They both ended up looking the same direction. They began to walk over to where Draco's parents were conversing with Severus Snape.
Hermione looked at her new husband and snickered. "Blaise owes me twenty galleons. I told him Lucius and Snape were the two hottest men over forty here."
Draco looked like he's just swallowed a cockroach. "Bloody hell woman! You just married me not an hour ago, and you're standing here telling me you think my father and our old Potions Master are shaggable? You're despicable! I want a divorce!"
Hermione snorted at that. "Good luck with that. Your parents like me more than you do. They'd just threaten to disinherit you if you left me."
"...shut up and watch the show Granger."
As it was, the entirety of the bridal party was avidly watching the show. It's too bad no one thought to inform Lucius or Snape of the festivities. Oh well, all the better as far as entertainment value went.
As Hera and Hestia walked towards them, they inconspicuously- at least that's what they thought- pulled down their necklines, and hiked up their skirts. Seeing them coming, Narcissa excused herself so she could watch the show from the outside. She'd also decided it'd be more fun not to tell the men of their impending doom via attempted seduction.
Lucius and Snape were so deep in conversation about the properties of jellied rat eyeballs that they didn't notice the girls approach until they stood before them and cleared their throats.
Lucius raised an eyebrow at the girls, recognizing them as the cousins his new daughter-in-law had been harping about since they showed up. "May we help you ladies?"
Hera spoke in a deep purr, while Hestia merely stared seductively into Snape's eyes. "Oh yes. You could help us scratch an itch we can't seem to reach. A very uncomfortable itch, right between the legs."
Twitching at her voice, Lucius grabbed a glass of water off the table and offered it to her. "Now this young lady is why you mustn't smoke. It leads to you sounding like a man who's trying to sound like a woman."
As Hera sputtered for a second, Snape spoke dryly to his own...would attempted seductress be the right term? "Ms. Granger, if you continue to make that cock-eyed grimace of yours, your face will freeze that way. I hope you know that."
Jaw dropping she tried again. "Oh cum now sir, you know you want this. I could pleasure you in ways you can't even begin to imagine."
Continuing where her sister left off, Hera spoke for them both to Lucius and Severus. "Oh yes, you've never seen women like us. We'd fuck you into apologetic shock. We'll ride you so hard the bedsprings break."
Ignoring them completely Severus turned to Lucius. "I'm not sure what's more appalling; the fact that they think they know anything about pleasure or the fact that they seem to think themselves women. Or perhaps the fact that she just said apologetic shock rather than anaphylactic shock. Or just maybe, the fact that she seems to think we don't know that she's just using big words she's heard Ms. Granger say before. And I'm a hundred and ten percent sure that when Ms. Granger used them, it was in proper context."
Lucius spoke in a bored tone. "Well don't get ahead of yourself Severus. After all, anaphylactic shock is when you go into shock due to a severe allergic reaction. And I'm sure we'd manage to react badly to one of the many diseases I'm sure the two of them are carrying. Granted I have a feeling that even if they aren't disease ridden, just one night with the two of them would put the both of us off women for the rest of our lives. I guess you could call it an induced allergy?"
Snape smirked at that. "And then what ever would poor Narcissa do?"
Lucius rolled his eyes at his friend, and continued Snape's earlier tirade. "You know what I find the most appalling thing about this entire debacle? That these two are actually related-by blood- to Hermione Jean Granger- now Malfoy. Listening to them speak I'd have thought them related to Draco's old stuffed dragons. They seem to all have stuffing for brains in common. Compare that to Hermione Granger; said to be the smarted w-student of the age. For pity's sake Severus, she even broke your record for best marks scored in Europe!"
Snape chuckled darkly at that. "Well I'm sure their idiocy could explain why the new Mrs. Malfoy's so smart. All the genes to do with cranial activity ended up in Ms. Granger. Thank goodness our school got the smart one. If it had been these two, Draco probably would have done away with them by the second month of school, if I managed to not do so myself. And I highly doubt anyone would have stopped him."
The entire time the men had been going on their tangent, Hera and Hestia had been getting gradually redder, and redder. Out of embarrassment or anger, no one was sure. Although they were sure it was anger once Hermione walked up on Draco's arm and started simpering like a floozy.
"Oh my dears! I see you tried, and failed to seduce Lucius and Severus. I knew you would do just that! But I don't believe you've been properly introduced to them, so I'll do you the honours. This here is Lucius Abraxas Malfoy, my new father-in-law."
Hera made a strangled sound in the back of her throat.
Hermione continued on. "Oh and this here is Professor Severus Snape. He was our Chemistry teacher at St. Basiliska's."
Hestia made a last ditch attempt to save face. "Only you Hermy would be enough of a loser to invite your Professors."
Hermione's mouth quirked in a half-smile. "Actually, Draco invited him. Professor Snape is Draco's godfather. And really Hestia, I didn't see you complaining a minute ago about him. In fact, correct me if I'm wrong but weren't you just offering to "ride him so hard the bedsprings would break?""
Neville, who was standing nearby spoke up. "Blimey, whatever happened to nice sweet Hermione who wouldn't hurt a fly?"
Draco, who had until now been silently smirking like the Sex God he was, replied to Neville's question. "She fucked a Malfoy, and now she's evil like the rest of us."
(AN: The last two lines, that scene is from one of the Malfoy Madness Volumes, by LibraryBeauty. I love that line. Just had to use it!)
Hestia's jaw dropped. "But, but you just got married. How did you already shag? I can't imagine a man like that would be up for a quickie the first time you shagged."
Snape spoke to her as if she were one of his stupid little first years. "Ms. Granger, you are aware that one can engage in sexual intercourse without being married, correct? I would hope so considering you were just offering up your inadequate, underdeveloped bodies to Lucius and myself."
As Hestia glared at Snape, Hera spoke. "But Hermione would never go and have sex before marriage! Hell, she wouldn't even have sex after marriage. She'd have to get naked!"
Within two seconds of each other, at least a dozen people had shouted at the girl. "Fat lot you know! Do you have any idea how many times we've walked in on those two?"
"But she's Hermy! She doesn't even know how to have sex! Well alright I suppose she knows the basic, slide pole a into slot b of it. But she doesn't know how to have good sex!"
Harry raised a brow. "Not according to the noises these two make at night. I can't tell you how glad I was when they left my house. I finally got peace, and quiet, and sleep. And as far as getting naked goes, you clearly aren't very experienced if you don't know the joys of public sex blocked from view by a bird's skirt."
Ron continued. "Yeah, and with the positions I've managed to catch these two in, I won't be surprised if I get a call from Malfoy one day freaking out about how Hermione put herself in a bloody pretzel and got stuck. I can just see it now: "Weasel, she dislocated like five body parts! What do I do? I can't call the parents! Mine will laugh at me, and hers will be mad I was shagging her in kinky positions! And they won't believe she started it! Help me Weasel!""
There was a round of laughter at Ron's comment as Draco glared at him.
Hermione perked up at that. "Oh that reminds me! Theodore!"
Theo jumped up from his sitting position to stand before Hermione. "Yes mum-mam-Mione! Yes Mione?"
Smiling at him innocently she walked up to his nervous form. Then she burst into giggle and reached up to kiss his cheek lightly. "Thank you for getting me my cake Theodore!"
Sighing in relief at the fact that he wasn't in trouble he smiled down at her and told her it was no problem. He looked back up to see Draco glaring at Hermione, who had just noticed him herself. "What?"
"Kinky sex reminds you of Nott?" He deadpanned.
Hermione just licked her lips and smirked. "No. Kinky sex reminds me of my big, huge, yummy, ice cream...!"
At that Hera and Hestia stomped out of the reception hall steaming.
Hermione watched after them confused. "What the hell's their problem? I was just going to say cake..."
Ron twitched at that. "Yeah; Malfoy flavoured icing on top and all."
"RONALD!" Molly steamed at him.
AN: And that's all folks! Hope you liked. And before any one badgers me about it, yes you may find this similar to Wolf Blossom's "I'm Marrying Your Imaginary Boyfriend" (which I recommend EVERYONE read). That is because she and I were chatting about what she wanted her fic to be like, and this little baby popped into my mind. Hope you enjoyed!