The Caribbean midday sun shone down on the rocky island with full force. Ron Stoppable was happy to sneak inside the lair of Dr. Drakken. At least the place had AC.
"You know, Rufus, I've been in and out of this place so many times I almost feel I should get my own key."
Rufus sat perched on Ron's head, serving as a sentry for any traps. The tiny mammal squeaked an agreement.
"OK, Rufus. We can do this. We sneak in, get Drakken's latest toy and get out. And let's hope Shego doesn't see us. I don't want to meet her without Kim around."
Kim was home with a severely sprained ankle following a fall during cheer practice. When Wade had called in and told them that Drakken had began the construction of some sort of new death ray, Ron had volunteered to deal with it. Not on his own of course. He'd bring Rufus. What could possibly go wrong?
It was with considerable reluctance and after a stern talking to by her mother that Kim had agreed to stay at home and rest her injured foot.
The following day, Ron had landed on Dr. Drakken's island and now he crept cautiously along the corridor, eyes and ears open for any nasty surprises.
Soon they reached a big pool blocking the path.
Ron took off his backpack and looked around. No one seemed to be around. No cameras.
He got his swimming trunks out of the backpack and quickly changed to swimwear. Then he took out a pack of bacon, clenched it between his teeth. Before Ron jumped in the water he tossed his backpack across the pool.
"Ok, ready Rufus?" Ron said around the bacon package.
"Uh-uh!" The mole looked frightened and shook it's head.
"Oh, come on! It will be OK. Just hang on to my hair."
Ron slipped into the water. A moment later a triangular fin broke the surface of the water and slowly came closer.
"Shark! Shark!" Rufus squeaked in fear.
"I know, I know. He's picked my scent up."
Ron treaded water and ripped the pack of bacon open and dipped in the water, whisping it around.
"Heeere Sharky, Sharky! Uncle Ronnie's got you a treat!"
The fifteen foot predator was one of three Great White's that Drakken had used as guards. The crazy genius had let the two others free because they were expensive to feed when enemies were scarce. By now Ron and Kim had crossed the pool so many times that the shark, 'Sharky' as Ron called him, recognized them with it's sense of smell. When Ron began to bring him treats the massive beast had become quite friendly, as far as sharks could be friendly at all.
Kim and Rufus distrusted Sharky but Ron got along fine with him.
Rufus whimpered and closed his eyes as the huge shark rolled over, fang-festooned jaws wide open. Ron held out the bacon and Sharky expertly snatched it out of Ron's hand without so much as grazing Ron's skin.
As the shark swam by, Ron rubbed the rough, white underbelly.
"Who's a chubby boy? Yes, who's a chubby li'l shark?"
Rufus huffed and snarled indignantly at the display of affection Ron showed the deadly apex predator in the pool as Ron climbed out of the water.
"Don't be jellin' Rufus. You're my number one buddy and you know it."
"Not jellin'! Uh-uh!"
After changing back from his swim wear, Ron went up a set of stairs and carefully peeked around the landing. No one.
"You'd think he'd get around to post at least some henchmen here." Ron muttered to himself.
His musings were interrupted by Rufus squeaking and tugging at Ron's ear.
"Ow! What?" Ron looked around and saw the object to Rufus' attention.
It was a vending machine.
"Really, Drakken? Really?" Ron dnorted "Have we become so predictable that you try to make a few bucks off of me and KP? Well, that's not going to work."
"Aaaw!" Rufus whimpered mournfully as Ron began to make his way, ignoring the vending machine.
"For crying out loud, alright! Just one Snacky-Pack. OK, Rufus? Just one."
Rufus nodded happily.
"Uh...I've only got a dollar. Do you have any quarters, Rufus? OK. You don't."
Four Snacky-Packs later Ron could finally continue on his mission.
"This is where it gets tricky, Rufus. You have to sneak ahead and scout for me. And don't get caught."
They had come several floors up by now and were dangerously close to Drakken's lab/living area. And where Drakken was, Shego was likely nearby as well.
Ron sat back around the corner while Rufus scampered in advance. Moments later the hairless rodent returned and beckoned to Ron to follow.
"D'akken." Rufus whispered and pointed down the corridor.
"Shego? Any goons?" Ron whispered back.
"Nu-uh. D'akken only."
Crawling on all fours behind furniture and enigmatic machines Ron carefully made his way to the work bench where something decidedly death ray-looking sat.
Sneaking a peek over the edge of the bench he saw Dr. Drakken with his back turned, fiddling with some gizmo, singing to himself.
"This is my chance." Ron carefully got up and moved closer to the death ray and was just about to pick it up when Drakken turned around and caught Ron in the act.
"Never gonna give you up, never gonna...Kim Possible!...'s buffoonish sidekick?"
Drakken looked around. "Where is she?"
"Oh, KP? She's home. It's just me." Ron looked around as well. "Where's your green girlfriend?"
"She's not my girlfriend!" Drakken shouted. "She's just my henchwoman! There is nothing between us! I don't even really like her!"
"Whoa! Sorry, dude. I didn't know you were so sensitive." Ron held his hands up defensively at Dr. Drakken's outburst of denial. "Anyway, now I know she's not around. You'd never dare to call her henchwoman so she could hear you."
"Hrrmph! What do you want anyway?"
"Oh just the usual. Thwart your plan. So...I'll just take this and be on my way, all right?"
The blue-skinned villain lunged for the death ray.
"Oh no, you don't! It's mine!"
Villain and Heroic Sidekick tugged at the death ray between them while Rufus watched the struggle.
"Give me the ray-thingy or I'll..." Ron said, trying to sound as menacing as he could.
"Or you'll do what?" Drakken replied, attempting to call what he hoped was a bluff.
Ron hadn't really thought about that. He had to wing it. Letting go of the ray projector Ron assumed a combative stance and raised his fist.
"I'll...punch you really hard! On the arm!"
Dr. Drakken gasped and recoiled.
"You can't do that! That would be mean!"
"When a man fights an evil genius he can be forced to do things he normally wouldn't." Ron put on his best dangerous growl. "Dark, terrible things..."
Drakken half turned away and muttered to himself, sounding awfully smug.
"Wait until I tell Shego this. My evil genius drove the buffoon to threaten me with unspeakable acts of violence. That'll show her how truly dangerous I am..."
"Uh...Dr. D? I'm still here. You're talking out loud."
"Blast!" Drakken turned back to Ron, glaring at him. "And don't call me Dr. D! Only Shego gets to do that."
"Ok, I get it. Boyfriend-girlfriend thing. I'm cool with that."
"She's not my..." Drakken began before he interrupted himself. "Look, sidekick-guy, I have a proposal for you."
Ron's eyes narrowed. What manner of trickery was this?
"We can solve this without violence. How about a game of wits?"
Drakken stopped to ponder this.
"Here's the deal: If I can't guess your name you can get the death ray."
"Dude! That's no contest! You never remember my name."
"Ah-hah! But I may forget names, well your name at any rate. But I'm an expert at guessing games!" The smug look had returned.
Ron looked to Rufus for some kind of advice but the mole rat merely shrugged.
"And if you do guess my name?"
"I get to keep the ray."
"You know me and KP will be back for you next week, don't you?"
"By then both Shego and the henchmen will be back from vacation!"
Now it was Ron's turn to shrug. He didn't really like fighting anyway. It was just something that came with the sidekick job.
"Deal, I guess."
"All right! here goes..."
Ron held his breath. Had he been tricked? Drakken seemed very confident.
The mad genius squinted as if he was trying to discern Ron's name by just looking at him.
"Uh...no. OK, the gizmo is mine!" Ron reached for the death ray,
"Not so fast!"
"Hey! No fair! You didn't guess my name!"
"I meant to say, I get... um... five tries."
"You're just making that up!"
"Would I?" Drakken pretended to look offended.
"All right. One out of five." Ron was getting annoyed already.
"Oh goody. Second try then. Hmm... Luther Macintyre."
"Dude! That's Scottish. I'm Jewish. Third try."
"Jewish hunh? OK...Moshe Dayan!"
Ron's face said it all.
"Wrong? OK. Joseph Conrad."
"That's an author, not a sidekick."
"How would you know?"
"It was on a test last week and stop stalling for time!"
"Give me a clue. Please?"
Ron sighed and Rufus moaned in exasperation.
"I'll give you two, will that shut you up?"
"My first name is really short and my last name sort of has a meaning to it. Clues enough for you?"
This time Drakken was silent for a long, long time. His brow furrowed and his eyes narrowed. Ron was getting nervous. Drakken wasn't really dumb, he just was unfocused.
"R...rrron. First name, Ron."
""Uh-oh." Ron thought.
"This might turn kind of bad in a hurry..."
"Lovable. Ron Lovable!"
"Bzzt! It's cute, but it's wrong!" Ron shouted in relief while thinking. "That came way too close for comfort!"
Ron yanked the death ray from the work bench before Drakken could come up with any new objections and hurriedly made his way to the main exit, leaving a fuming and frustrated scientist behind.
Dr. Drakken paced back and forth, so angry he could barely think straight.
Why was that buffoon's name so hard to remember? He turned the radio on to listen to some music and soothe his nerves. Soft reggae from some radio station in Haiti began to play.
"Haiti?" Drakken thought. "Meaning to the name...short first name..."
He snapped his fingers. That was it! He might have lost the death ray, but he would get the last word!
Dr. Drakken sprinted to the balcony, to get a view of the blond buffoon as he loaded the death ray into the small motorboat he'd used to reach Drakken's island.
At the top of his voice, the blue-skinned villain shouted:
"YOU THINK YOU'RE ALL THAT, ROB ZOMBIE! BUT YOU'RE NOT!