title: come on, pull yourself up

summary: jade west is a strong girl, but she has a weak heart.

inspiration: she moves in her own way by the kooks & tire swing by kimya dawson & let it die by feist

author's note: well, this is just me trying to tap into jade west. she's such a cliched, confusing, complicated character. (three c's!) and so I just came up with this little guy. she may put up a strong suit, but she's just like all of us when she's heartbroken. this could be about anyone, by the way. if you like bade, jandre, rade, jinjin (LAWLSILOVETHATNAME), or even jade/oc, the beauty of this is you can imagine it as however you want. it's just supposed to be something people can relate to. i'm thinking that if people like it I can try and continue it. i'm a horrible updater but I like this a lot.

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she doesn't know what to do without him. she spends her nights in bed, the covers over her head. she's lost the light, she thinks. she hates the crisp scent of fall breezing through the window. her mother is baking pumpkin pie, but she can't seem to get up and smile. she wants to play pretend – no, she wants to be happy again. she wants to tell him that she's still desperately in love with him, even if she can't say the words.

she's just not sure if she'll be able to handle life. after so much effort to love, she's not sure if she can function. jade west is a strong girl, but she has a weak heart. she just wants to laugh and live and maybe she'll learn to love again, but the days leave her shoulders labored.

she wants to live, but she wants to die too. the tempting shine of the razor, the thoughts of the rush of jumping, the jump rope in her closet – they call to her. the thoughts of never leaving the covers whisper lustily as she tries to sleep at night.

he used to tell her that she was worth anything. he would kiss her and love her, and she would smile around him. he made love to her under his sheets, his breathing heavy and her heart felt light when he touched her. his hands on her hips made her head spin, his lips on her neck made her knees wobble.

jade west had never felt such love and affection for any person. she hadn't ever felt so happy with him, her lips were always twisted into smiles and her eyes were always filled with something she couldn't place. maybe if she thought about it, she would realize it was utter bliss. things to her were games, a chase to numb her everyday life. jade had a rough start, but she was ready to end it with him by her side.

the sheets cling to her body, and she remembers being a young girl, wishing that she could sleep forever. at what cost would it be to end it all? if she ended her life, would he even care? would her mother be happy at the thought of one less mouth to feed?

she remembered the way she woke up in the morning, covers over her head and he looked at her with his sleepy eyes and his half turned smile. it was the happiest moment of her life. they just looked at each other, their hair messy and their clothing strewn across the room. he mouthed i love you. she nestled into his chest and fell asleep again.

she had never let her barriers down unless she was with him, and now, she was in the same place, under the covers on the left side, because she preferred that side and he compromised. she wondered exactly how many times he had compromised for her. she was demanding, there was no doubt about that fact. she just wondered how many times he had sat down and wondered why he bothered with her.

during the day, it was scary, how many people she thought were him. she would be walking and she'd find his face in the crowd. she'd try to catch up, but she would only end up with empty hands or confusion when she realized she had found a random stranger.

nowadays, he had left her head dizzy for an entirely different reason. it killed her that he left her all those days ago. sometimes she would go on his profile page and just look through for a telltale sign that he missed her too. she wanted something, a wall post, a status, a picture. she needed to know that she wasn't the only one who was devoid of happiness without their relationship. but alas, he seemed to be busier than ever, attending more parties and meeting new people.

she wants to go back to the days where he was content at staring at the stars with her. she wants his gaze to be on her as she laughs – because right now, she needs one of his crappy jokes like she needs the ability to breathe. she needs him to trace his fingers on her cheeks when she cries, to make her get out of her bed – the bed with the bunny comforter that he kissed her deeply under. jade west wants to go back to the better days when she was happy. when the call of death wasn't so enticing and the rush of being with him was enough. she wants to be able to live – but only to live with him.

why is it so hard for her to get back on track? why did he have to leave her to rot away? she digs herself deeper under the covers, as if she can conjure his face under them if she looks deep enough. she wants to be able to reach out and touch his cheek, feel the way his cheeks lift when he smiles at her. she wants him to tell her she's beautiful, and that she can be with him forever – if she wanted to. she's not one for cliches, but all she wants – all she's wanted, was for someone to love her wholeheartedly. she wants him to hold her hand through the mess and the storms that make her shiver. she wants him to rub his hands together on cold nights and share his warmth with her. she wants to grow old with him, because she doesn't mind if he sees her withering body, she just wants him to come back.

jade west doesn't think she will ever be able to love someone like this again.