Dear Fanfiction Writers,

First things first. I am not attracted to Matt or Near.

At all.

Let me explain: Matt is good for video-game tips, not relationships. And you need your heads examined if you think I'd ever fall for Near. I'd rather be boiled alive in hot chocolate (come to think of it, I'd like that more than the way I actually ended up going) than get romantically involved with that loser. We'd kill each other.

And as for pairing me with your lousy original characters- setting all other considerations such as character consistency aside, I would be a fucking awful boyfriend (Mafia and kidnappings, anyone?). Send them after someone who will appreciate their 'sexiness' (i.e. NOT ME).

Sincerely, Mello.

P.S. That said, anytime you want to fill your stories with descriptions of my sexiness, go right ahead. We all know I'm the best dressed man in the series.

Saw these in the Harry Potter Fandom first... And then I got bored at work and started jotting these down. I'm going to try to do one for every character.

Review! (please...)